To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

Exactly!
It's the basics to not comment on life choices unless specifically asked to or unless something really bad is happening (e.g. signs of friend being abused).
But no matter what I privately think I managed to never snipe at people and believe me, I have put my foot in my mouth many times!
If I can do it anybody can.

It's just rude and judgemental.

She sounds a right bore, constantly trying to justify her own life choices by putting yours down. She sounds very emotionally immature. It's clear she's nowhere near as happy as she makes out and is obsessed with the outward sheen on success and money and possessions.
Just laugh it off. You are happy in your life and she isn't. It's not your fault or problem. I would explain some of the reasons why I disliked the corporate world, she'll probably end up breaking down and saying she agrees with everything you say and wishes she could leave!

people change over time. You had common ground at one point but now you don’t.

her life is different to yours and she can’t relate to yours and doesn’t understand how you can be satisfied. Or maybe she would like a husband and children but it hasn’t happened so she is trying to hide a bit of envy but showing off her possessions.

It doesn’t really matter what her reasons are. That’s her personality and she is able to have a more selfish outlook because she only has to provide for herself.

You have to decide if she is someone who can still be your best friend as she is. if she doesn’t have the self awareness you need in a friend You may need to make new friends who have a lifestyle similar to yours and who you have things in common with now as a mother with children.

It’s quite interesting that those of us on here who also went after successful careers really don’t think she’s jealous.

I’ve since had children and I still really don’t think she’s jealous. She’s 28 FFS, earning near six figures and living her best life, still two years off 30. There’s plenty of time if she does decide to go down that road. She may not communicate her worries over the OP that well but I really don’t think there’s jealousy at the root of this.

No-one lies in the nursing home or on their deathbed saying " I wish I'd earned more, bought that designer dress, that fancy bag, spent more time in the office".

Also re this: ^

I won’t be lying in a nursing home precisely because I chased the high earnings!

It's really not interesting. People who have a similar lifestyle to the friend aren't exactly going to be screaming, "yeah she's jealous! I would be too". Nobody is going to do that.

What is interesting is the outright refusal from some people (who put themselves in the friends shoes) to acknowledge that she's rude.

The way people are actually praising the bitchy friend (her lifestyle sounds great, ooh wouldn't want to be like you, op) is bizarre.

Well, we’re only getting the OP’s slant on what the friend has said. It could be how the OP perceived it because she is the insecure one.

I think it’s interesting.

Oh yeah, just make fun of someone for struggling with fertility(!)

@Wednesdaysphiltrum Well, we’re only getting the OP’s slant on what the friend has said. It could be how the OP perceived it because she is the insecure one.

Yeah that's how mn works.

You don't start making up your own hypotheticals. That's not how a forum works. We take what the author says and less there is some clear suggestion of misunderstanding we reply based on the op

Otherwise what's the flipping point

OP: 'My dh hit me and called me a bitch'
MN 'hmmm. I'd like to hear his side of the story'

😑

It sounds like your realness and authenticity activate something in her so she comments on it or attacks it. I think comes from an insecurity her about her need to be 'something' rather than be herself. Whereas you on the other hand are being yourself and dont need status of a career to be ok with who who are, which is both alien and scary to her. Also your child takes a space in your life that perhaps she wants. Maybe she feels displaced slightly? I wonder what messaging she got about herself when she was a child. I think you can be friends with her just reframe what she says as a display of her feeling insecure and don't take it personally. If there is enough good elsewhere in the relationship, let it go. It's not about you.

Also the context is lost in some of the comments you've mentioned. Where they out of the blue or a just a little left field in relation to the conversation topic?

You hit the nail on the head with it being external validation.

But that is about her rather than you.

Have you tried putting the ball in her court or responding with comments such as "the love of my husband and for my kids is worth more than 90k".

It would be interesting to see how she responds when you point out just as icily that in fact you are happy with your lot.

And if she makes comments such as "just when you thought nappies were over ....." I'd respond with "you do realise making a babies is a choice. I chose to have sex and try for another."

If she continues and is tactless rather than deliberately unkind I'd have a word with her. Otherwise you may have to accept this friendship is over because she not bringing anything to your life

Her comments were pretty rude. It's also ok to be in your dressing gown if you are pregnant with morning sickness. I'm back at work and I'm def not as glam as I was pre-kids, not that I ever was that glam😂so I think it's a having kids thing. Both of your lives sound great in different ways. Do make sure you think about the future @pregnantbestie esp financially if you are a SAHM and think about all the implications. I have been a SAHM so it's something I've been through. Make sure you register for child benefit, even if you don't claim the money as he's a high earner because if hypothetically you are taking 11 to 13 years out of work, you don't want to miss 13 years of National Insurance contributions as it will impact your state pension later on. Also, pay into a private pension for you at a decent amount, it's hard to catch up on the lost years later on, esp as your earning potential will be much lower due to time out. Think about either getting a part-time job when the kids are at school, re-training or volunteering. You may not want to stay at home, and it's ok to change your mind or go ahead with your plan and wait til secondary. Volunteering can help fill the gap on your CV as well has helping your community and wider society, have an eye on building skills. Enjoy today but always think about the future too and don't make yourself vulnerable. It is hard to get back to work with a gap and requires starting at teh bottom again. Kids aren't little for long, but then they get bigger and more expensive, and you need to build a life for yourself then. I had a massive oh shit moment regarding my lack of pension and I'm scrambling to catch up now. Also, make sure your partner will share the load of house/kids with you, a lot of women end up staying at home longer as their partner doesn't help out.

Working in healthcare, the amount of times I have had to deal with patients who have children who “ cant be bothered to help help them/never visit them/stuffed them in an old peoples home” comments makes me laugh when people say kids will look after you in old age.

the love of my husband and for my kids is worth more than 90k but the OP isn’t necessarily suffering from not having 90k as she’s got a man bankrolling her!

The friend is saying she’d have an extra £90k if she worked in her old job instead of being a SAHM.

I totally agree, what OP's friend is doing is just as bad. My response was specifically directed at all the 'she doesn't know love, she can't possibly understand' stuff from the pp I was responding to, though, rather than a response to OP's situation.

It’s quite interesting that those of us on here who also went after successful careers really don’t think she’s jealous.

I also have a six figure “impressive” job, and I DO think the friend sounds, maybe not jealous exactly, but definitely annoyed that OP isn’t visibly jealous of her.

I also think the friend sounds like a rude cow, and OP should probably find herself busy a lot more and see the friend a lot less.

I think insecurity can make people lash out. It may be that she does want kids but it feels out of reach (especially if she’s not in a stable relationship or has some kind of health concern she’s not sharing) so she’s trying to put on a bold “I don’t want them anyway” act.

She could also just be socially inept, or a bit of a bitch, but I like to be charitable when possible.

'bankrolling her'? Where do you get off talking like that? The OP is saving her DP – the other parent of their children – the time and money he would otherwise spend on childcare and (I'm guessing; happy to be told I'm wrong) at least some of the work of running their household.

I see. And I therefore assume you also believe she's, what? Childcare and domestic 'rolling' him?

Maybe she just finds the whole kids thing a bit yuck?

I did, before I had one, and I definitely didn't like other peoples.

Having babies and dealing with your own bodily needs post-childbirth isn't exactly the height of glam is it? I can completely see that women who aren't mothers (and potentially think they never want to be) don't see it as a fun life choice.

came across this view on an earlier post... just because you've known someone for 20 years, doesn't mean you HAVE to keep them in your life if they turn into a toxic arsehole who doesnt bring niceness into your life... time doesn't equal you can be a dick or treat people like a verbal punch bag to make yourself feel better.

snip snip the toxic

Sounds as if she's jealous of your life and justifying her jealous feelings by making you feel like crap. Is she currently single? She may see you with your husband and children and crave that.

I have a friend who has a really good job, nice life, no children yet and I'm the opposite; work in a mediocre admin job that I dislike, have a DD and a partner, spend my weekends cleaning but I don't envy her life and am proud of how well she's done for herself.