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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

424 replies

pregnantbestie · 01/02/2024 21:31

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

OP posts:
storminaglassofwater · 02/02/2024 07:15

PutinSmellsPassItOn · 02/02/2024 07:10

She's jealous as hell. Poor cow is desperate for what you have.

I really don’t think she is. She doesn’t want to be still in a dressing gown in the afternoon. Their worlds are just miles apart atm.

storminaglassofwater · 02/02/2024 07:16

MrsJellybee · 02/02/2024 06:28

She is envious of everything you have and would swap with you in an instant.

You are deluded.

Iamnotalemming · 02/02/2024 07:22

Heronwatcher · 01/02/2024 22:00

Look, she sounds jealous. She’s probably having a massive crisis. Not that this excuses it, but surely you can understand. I’d keep my distance for a bit, not end the friendship but don’t confide in her about kid stuff etc. She’s not the person for that. She may well be someone who has a child a bit later in life, chances are she’ll change anyway, so just give her a bit of time.

Edited

This. Very well said.

Just cool it for a while. Long friendships go up and down particularly if you are on different paths but that doesn't have to mean the end of the friendship.

Congrats on your pregnancy.

Ulysees · 02/02/2024 07:23

@storminaglassofwater yes she's either jealous or questioning her own life. Otherwise why go on and on? The odd comment maybe. It's quite obvious. Sad really.

OldDisneyPrincess · 02/02/2024 07:39

I could have written this. I was you. We are no longer friends.

Easipeelerie · 02/02/2024 07:39

You wouldn’t dream of treating her like this so you shouldn’t accept being treated this way.
I would relegate the friendship down a rung and focus in people who don’t try to keep you down.

barkymcbark · 02/02/2024 07:41

Start blowing your own trumpet. I think we're brought up to see disagreeing with people as bad, it's not polite to do so, so when people like your friend make these comment we feel hurt but don't disagree. It's why the more forceful of us or the ones who have no filter are heard more. Next time blow your own trumpet.

I love the nappy years, they are so short I want to make the most of them

No I don't want to go back to earning 90k, I get so much more satisfaction looking after my dc

Of course it doesn't scare me that I'll have kids at 40, I'll have them for the rest of my life.

What makes you think I don't have a nice life now? I adore my family and I'm not fussed about spending money on me. Money isn't everything

Or course not all men fancy women in business suits, as long as my dh still fancies me I'm not fussed what the rest of the male population fancies - I bet there's a website for dressing gowns and puree

Notonthestairs · 02/02/2024 07:44

storminaglassofwater · 02/02/2024 07:13

And let’s be brutally honest here. While your decisions are your decisions and what you have done with your life is your own business I think that most posters on here would be a bit concerned if their dd went straight from uni to marriage and being a SAHm having never worked.

I agree. It’s a choice but not a great choice tbh. Children are not children for very long.

I have a 21 and a 23-year old. I’d be concerned if they went straight from school to marriage not having worked before. My dh makes a lot of money but I would not want to be without my own security or colleagues. You read on MN all the time about women not being able to leave their dh’s because of no money, dh illness or death, no pension or life outside their children. Every single one of them didn’t think it could happen to them.

Your friend doesn’t sound very nice but you sound a bit naive too.

Missing the point here. It's not a mother child relationship. They are friends. My close friends have made different choices to my own - I don't visit them and suggest they are living their lives wrong.

If they wanted opinion or advice then I might offer my thoughts. But they don't. So I enjoy our friendship, appreciate our differences and leave it at that.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 02/02/2024 07:48

She could be trying to convince herself she is better off without kids. Maybe her boyfriend has said he doesn't want them, maybe she doesn't feel like she can have both the big career and a family and is trying to persuade herself that she only wants the career?

Or maybe she's genuinely asking you, to see if your answers give her something she needs. "Aren't you bored at home" could be, "I can't imagine not going to work, tell me why its not boring". Both I and my friend work 3 days a week and the other 2 weekdays we're at home with toddlers. She is desperate to stay home permanently til the kids are older. I couldn't do it, by the end of mat leave I was ready to go back and find my 3 days work 4 days home a great balance. But I love my job, have a great boss, flexibility and a good salary. She doesn't. So when your friend is asking "if you earned 90k would you have wanted another?" She might be saying "would you give up what I have to do what you do?" because she's thinking about it.

Or she could be a cow.

KimberleyClark · 02/02/2024 07:49

Yet another thread about child free/childless friends/sisters/SILs being nasty and jealous. Seen quite a few lately.

MayThe4th · 02/02/2024 07:50

MrsJellybee · 02/02/2024 06:28

She is envious of everything you have and would swap with you in an instant.

Rubbish.

In fact having given it some thought I think it’s more likely that it’s the OP who is jealous and that the friends comments have touched a nerve.

Because just as people are saying that the friend wouldn’t say anything if she was happy with her choices, so someone who was happy with their choices wouldn’t be bothered by those kinds of comments. Why would they?

Personally I do think that we are leaving it too late to have children for a number of reasons. But the reality is that we live in a world which is so male dominated still that if a woman wants a career she needs to realistically build one before having children, because having children young puts her at a disadvantage from a societal point of view.

Yes. Having children younger means that they grow up sooner, that you have time to have grandchildren and a relationship with them, as things stand we are at risk of having a grandparentless generation and I think that’s immensely sad and is one of the reasons why I do believe that having children younger is better.

But from a societal point of view, having children younger means that you forgo the opportunity of a career if you decide to have children and be a SAHM/houswife instead. Because once the children are grown up to the extent that you’re thinking of going back to work you’ve been overtaken by several years’ worth of graduates and the chance to hae a real career if you want one has passed, and you will in fact find it difficult even to find work in the first instance.

I actually think that there are difficulties on both sides here.

As I said, I think that having childre younger is preferable, both for the parent in the longer term and for the children.

But having been a SAHM and having had my DS relatively young, (28), even though I had worked before having him, while I don’t regret having had time at home with him, if I had my choice again I would have gone back to work part time at least when he was much younger. Because having stayed at home absolutely did put me at a massive disadvantage when I did decide it was time to go back to work. And when I then got divorced I was in a position where I had no job to fall back on.

I am working now, but it took a long time and a lot of perseverance.

So in an age of still male domination, and high divorce rates, I would always advise any woman to retain her independence.

That doesn’t mean I would necessarily put it in the same way as the friend did. But we’re all a lot less mature and tactful in our mid twenties.

WimpoleHat · 02/02/2024 07:53

do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?

She’s insecure. And probably jealous. Turn it around - “do you think you’d want to spend 12 hours a day in an office if you had a man who loved you enough to marry you and wanted to build a family with you? Do you think you’d get such a thrill from shopping if you knew what the love that comes from having children is like….?” Or whatever. She’d be screaming “bitch!” from the rooftops. She’s not your friend. Let this one go.

JT69 · 02/02/2024 07:55

She is not your friend. Your lives have taken different paths and she should be as supportive of you as you are of her. I’ve been in the same boat as the SAHM (best time of my life ever!). Quietly drop this one.

Bananaramad · 02/02/2024 07:55

I wouldn't tell her it bothered me, I'd tell her she's so kind to be worrying about you, but she needn't worry you 100% sure you've made the right decisions / life choices for you. 😏

RadiatorHead · 02/02/2024 07:56

She’s not your friend, I’d ditch her. I had an ex-friend who I slowly came to the realisation was doing the same thing to me. As I said, we are ex-friends 😛

SoreAndTired1 · 02/02/2024 07:57

MayThe4th · 02/02/2024 02:57

She’s immature and tactless.

But I don’t buy this “she’s jealous” line that people trot out on here when someone behaves in a way they don’t like.

She wouldn’t want your life and it’s possible that she’s afraid that one day that will be her life if she is ever planning to have DC.

And let’s be brutally honest here. While your decisions are your decisions and what you have done with your life is your own business I think that most posters on here would be a bit concerned if their dd went straight from uni to marriage and being a SAHm having never worked.

It’s not something many would say, and I speak as someone who was a SAHM and never regretted it. But the reality is that getting into work for the first time in your 30’s/40’s depending on if/when you decide to go back to work is going to be bloody hard. And while that is the life you’ve chosen for yourself, the future will catch up with you soon enough and it’s possible that you may think differently then.

FWIW I’m not saying that your friend is in the right or that her comments aren’t rude. But i think that if someone posted a post here saying that their daughter had coke straight out of uni, decided that work wasn’t for them and they wanted to have babies instead many posters would agree that that wouldn’t be the life they’d want for their own daughters.

@MayThe4th And let’s be brutally honest here. While your decisions are your decisions and what you have done with your life is your own business I think that most posters on here would be a bit concerned if their dd went straight from uni to marriage and being a SAHm having never worked.

Did you not read the OP properly? OP did work! She gave it up to have children.

SoreAndTired1 · 02/02/2024 07:59

MayThe4th · 02/02/2024 07:50

Rubbish.

In fact having given it some thought I think it’s more likely that it’s the OP who is jealous and that the friends comments have touched a nerve.

Because just as people are saying that the friend wouldn’t say anything if she was happy with her choices, so someone who was happy with their choices wouldn’t be bothered by those kinds of comments. Why would they?

Personally I do think that we are leaving it too late to have children for a number of reasons. But the reality is that we live in a world which is so male dominated still that if a woman wants a career she needs to realistically build one before having children, because having children young puts her at a disadvantage from a societal point of view.

Yes. Having children younger means that they grow up sooner, that you have time to have grandchildren and a relationship with them, as things stand we are at risk of having a grandparentless generation and I think that’s immensely sad and is one of the reasons why I do believe that having children younger is better.

But from a societal point of view, having children younger means that you forgo the opportunity of a career if you decide to have children and be a SAHM/houswife instead. Because once the children are grown up to the extent that you’re thinking of going back to work you’ve been overtaken by several years’ worth of graduates and the chance to hae a real career if you want one has passed, and you will in fact find it difficult even to find work in the first instance.

I actually think that there are difficulties on both sides here.

As I said, I think that having childre younger is preferable, both for the parent in the longer term and for the children.

But having been a SAHM and having had my DS relatively young, (28), even though I had worked before having him, while I don’t regret having had time at home with him, if I had my choice again I would have gone back to work part time at least when he was much younger. Because having stayed at home absolutely did put me at a massive disadvantage when I did decide it was time to go back to work. And when I then got divorced I was in a position where I had no job to fall back on.

I am working now, but it took a long time and a lot of perseverance.

So in an age of still male domination, and high divorce rates, I would always advise any woman to retain her independence.

That doesn’t mean I would necessarily put it in the same way as the friend did. But we’re all a lot less mature and tactful in our mid twenties.

Show quote history

*In fact having given it some thought I think it’s more likely that it’s the OP who is jealous and that the friends comments have touched a nerve.

Because just as people are saying that the friend wouldn’t say anything if she was happy with her choices, so someone who was happy with their choices wouldn’t be bothered by those kinds of comments. Why would they?*

OP's friend goes on and on and on, constantly. OP has made ONE (1) post as she is wondering about her friend's obsession. That's all.

ZebraDanios · 02/02/2024 08:03

AlwaysRain · 01/02/2024 21:43

She sounds to be using smugness and arrogance to cover up a major low self-esteem problem. And BTW no man on earth gives two farts about her job - high paying, low paying, no paying, whatever it is, men don’t care about women’s jobs, at all. What does she think they’re going, “damn, her tits look great in that top and woo she can really bring home the bacon with that high paying job too!” No.

Apparently, statistically men are happiest when they earn 50% more than their partners. Men who are the sole breadwinners are less happy, but still happier that men whose partners out-earn them.

Make of that what you will!

itadak · 02/02/2024 08:05

Give it time. The friendship is going through a difficult period when all the things you had in common have changed. Your comments about how happy you are probably make her feel that you're getting at her. You have made several points about how you jettisoned "her" world for something better - it sounds smug and devalues women who work.
Maybe when the kids are older or if you run into problems in your life, (as we all do at some point), she'll be the friend you need. Or she might have kids and you'll once more share a similar lifestyle. Or when the baby years are over you find it's good to reconnect with an old friend over shared interests.
Also good for your kids to see that not all women are mummies. If she's a good person, stick with it.

Jl2014 · 02/02/2024 08:07

If it’s a friendship of 20 years why can’t you just talk to her about it?

Maybe she’s worried about you? Financial importance is vital for women. Relying on your husband may be hunky dory now but you are putting yourself in a very weak position for the future.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 02/02/2024 08:08

ZebraDanios · 02/02/2024 08:03

Apparently, statistically men are happiest when they earn 50% more than their partners. Men who are the sole breadwinners are less happy, but still happier that men whose partners out-earn them.

Make of that what you will!

Show quote history

My DH keeps telling me to earn more so he can stay home (he's joking, kind of). He genuinely doesn't care which of us brings in the money, providing we have enough of it between us to pay our bills and live a little.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/02/2024 08:09

You need to start calling her out. I know it’s harder said than done. An example:

“i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”.

you reply: “Are you putting me down on purpose or just insensitive?”

If she blows up/stops talking to you, then you have your answer - not a real friend.

If she is genuine she will be mortified.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 02/02/2024 08:11

BUT I do agree that are you sure you don’t want to build some kind of security for yourself? What if the relationship breaks down one day when you are late 30s and you wish you’d got on the career ladder. Maybe something to think about when your kids start school.

ZebraDanios · 02/02/2024 08:12

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 02/02/2024 08:08

My DH keeps telling me to earn more so he can stay home (he's joking, kind of). He genuinely doesn't care which of us brings in the money, providing we have enough of it between us to pay our bills and live a little.

Show quote history

But that’s how statistics work - if a study finds that a majority of people do or think x there will obviously be people to whom that doesn’t apply, but that doesn’t mean the entire premise is false. (My DH would be entirely happy to stay home too!)

Switchandflake · 02/02/2024 08:14

It does sound like she is insecure and using those comments to make herself feel better, though she might not realise how they come across.

If she were a newer acquaintance, I’d just pull a slow fade. However, as she is such an old friend and presumably one who has been very dear to you over the years, I’d be direct and honest with her. If the relationship will end over the competitive commentary anyway, then I would explain how you are feeling so that she has a chance to course-correct. If she values the relationship, she will make a change. If you have just grown too different over the years, she may decide to back off (which is maybe for the best for both of you). Sometimes people do just outgrow one another. Either way, you’ll at least have been honest with her and she won’t be left in the undignified position of wondering what happened.