To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

Lol. I am an immigrant. I guess we are all selfish.

The way the economy is now many British people may end up emigrating.

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I wouldn't say that she has "no backup" - we met at a private school, both went onto private secondary schools. Her university fees were fully paid by parents and they bought her a flat at university which she rents out

@AllHopeandRainbows

actually it may be the case that because OP’s friend has more time and energy to invest in her friendships than op that in her old age she has lots of friends around and so isn’t lonely!

I mean you see it on mumsnet all the time, women who have invested themselves so much in their husband and kids that when the kids grow up they find themselves very lonely

I think there's two sides to this and I'd be interested in her view tbh.

A job that pays well in case she one day she finds she needs money.

This sounds like a lot of sense to me

having kids is NO guarantee that you won’t be lonely in old age. Can’t believe people still think tbh.

I think being old and having kids who are no contact or don’t give a shit about you must be worse than not having children.

Double post.

She's not your friend.

Why would not having a job mean you had nothing that was your own identity?

My kids are at primary school. If I were in OP’s position and didn’t have to work, I’d be able to spend more time on my hobbies (and therefore get better at them), do some volunteering, join the village choir, socialise more, go to classes and learn new skills, take better care of my garden…all of which would bring far more joy and meaning to my life than my job does, as well as making me a more valuable member of my community.

I know I felt I lost myself a little when my kids were tiny, but going back to work didn’t alleviate that for me - it just meant there was even less time to do the things I’d enjoyed before I had kids…

As her comments sound pretty reasonable and conciliatory and most posters are going from what the OP has reported, maybe the OP is not remembering the other comments in quite the detail she has reported - I think both friends need to acknowledge each other have chosen a different path for now and lay off the competition. Just go do something low-maintenance childfree together like the cinema and recalibrate

Hi OP.

I am on a high paying job and think my career is very important. I also have 3 children and I am a bit older than you
I have friends who are SAHM. When they bring the subject I tell them I think it's important to have a paid job no matter how much your husband earns. Because I have seen many many women with changed circumstances and finding themselves into deep difficulties.
I never and would never make the sort of comments your so called friend does. I think it's not acceptable at all. I agree with other posters she is highly insecure. And also very toxic and frankly pretty horrible.
Please meet new friends who bring positivity into your life. I never felt above my friends SAHMs, we discuss choices, practicalities and many other things. And I respect their choice even if it's not mine and feel strongly against it in principle.
You sound like a very lovely person and deserve equal lovely friends x

I think she's just honestly different and liking her life and wondering how you could possibly like yours. She's curious.
And she speaks frankly due to being a close friend.

Is it more that you're just growing apart, having made different choices? Work v. stay at home parenting is a debate which continues to rage for many years - both sides thinking they are "lucky" and that the other is jealous of them.

It's tricky when close long term friends find themselves in different places. Open dialogue is the only way forward I think.

I’m a couple of decades older than you and have been through this on all sides. I was a high paid corporate solicitor - got comments from friends I was missing out on life with 80 hour work weeks. Fast forward ; disabled child and quit work completely unplanned to be SAHM : cue other comments , what a “waste” of my education and top flight work experience.

fast forward again - high paid consultant (nasty comments about missing out on kids)

fast forward again - taking a couple of years off to support dc through a levels and uni visits : comments that I’ll be “bored” and yet again what a “waste” of my high earning potential.

my advice is that you can’t win, you’re perceptive that she’s trying to reassure herself. And well done for calling her out on jt: her responses seem reasonable.

I agree it would be interesting to hear her side of things. I have a friend who talks smugly about her partner and kids and seem to pity me for not having kids and asks me if I’m going to regret my choices etc. I can honestly say they idea of her life fills me with panic and nothing in the world would make me want to swap with her. Perhaps OP has (even unwittingly?) made some smug comments and the friend is reacting to those. The tone of the posts is quite smug so it’s probably coming across in real life. And that text exchange is horrible on both sides. By the time things have got so angsty between people is it even worth trying to continue a friendship?

I'd call her out. Next time say 'are you struggling with your life choices because you make a lot of passive aggressive comments about my lifestyle choice. I love my life and whilst aspects of any life choice will have its downsides, I'm very very happy and fulfilled. I'm worried that you are not as happy as you present yourself as you do spend a lot of our conversation time criticising aspects of my life and trying to show off aspects of yours. This isn't normally what happy people do. Do you need some support?'

I would back way from this person. She is obviously not making you feel good about yourself or your choices.

@Lampan a friend you say? One of my closest friends doesn't have dc. I'd never even comment. Tbh as much as I adore my dss dsd and dgss you do nothing but worry with dcs. Doesn't matter what age they are. I don't blame anyone not having them.

I just can't understand why people are so invested in other people's choices. If they aren't doing anything illegal then why care? Imagine a world where we're all the same 🥱

It doesn't matter who is right or wrong here, if the friendship no longer brings something positive to your life OP, you don't have to continue it or you could relegate it to a lower priority in your life.

Personally I think the text responses she gives are simply appeasing and are not showing any insight into your concerns. She may "get it" but she hasn't made that apparent.

If you truly care for her friendship (I notice you call her 'one of your closest friends', not 'the closest', then you both need to work out a way for it to work in the future.

Prior to having children, I found my friends with children somewhat dull company at times, especially if their children were present. The focus then is no longer solely on you, as the children's needs always (and rightly) come first. I wasn't envious of them, until I struggled with conceiving myself in my 30s.

Maybe she's incredulous that you could be happy, rather than jealous? And as a parent I never want to be a full time SAHM. I wanted plenty of time with them but my work and life outside the home was still important to me and I was lucky to be able to continue my career working part time.

Each to their own but the idea of "just" being a mother has never appealed, and though I hope we will be on good terms forever, I don't see them as needing to be a major part of my life as I get older. Instead I endeavour to maintain and extend my friendships and interests / hobbies. (Mine are grown up but living at home).

I've known my closest friend for over 50 years and in all honesty none of those comments would have been in any conversation we've had.
They sound more like put downs to me.

Maybe she's a bit jealous that you've found someone that wanted to settle down and marry you, in turn giving you a beautiful family.

I don’t think thoughts like ‘men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees’ are normal, but then again my self esteem isn’t buried in the ground. while I don’t tink those comments are normal, neither do I think it’s normal to still be in your dressing gown at 4 PM.

There is middle ground here, surely?

While plenty of people have no inkling towards wanting to dress up in high heels to impress their man, if I went round to a friend’s and she was still in her dressing gown at 4 PM I’d wonder what was going on for her there. I certainly would be wondering if she was coping, because still being in a dressing gown at 4 PM doesn’t look as if she is, and I’d go so far as to wonder whether she was depressed.

Same here @MayThe4th. There is a middle ground, and dressing gown all day is not a good sign of anyone coping.

My kids are at primary school. If I were in OP’s position and didn’t have to work, I’d be able to spend more time on my hobbies (and therefore get better at them), do some volunteering, join the village choir, socialise more, go to classes and learn new skills, take better care of my garden…all of which would bring far more joy and meaning to my life than my job does, as well as making me a more valuable member of my community. if a poster posted here that her kids were now at school and her husband had decided he didn’t want to work because he wanted to spend time on his hobbies people would say he was a cocklodger and would be urging the OP to leave him.

As for the posters talking about the friend becoming a spinster/struggling to ttc/never having children, you do know that she’s only 28? I mean writing off someone because they haven’t had kids yet before the age of 30?

I think your answers might be making her more competitive too and it's a vicious cycle. She's pushing what's good about her life and in turn you're pushing what's good about yours. The reality is you're both missing out, life is a trade off! And you are probably both feeling bad as a result of the conversations. As time passes maybe you'll have more of a career (up to you!) And maybe she'll have children (up to her!) I think in the meantime change the subject to what you have in common. If she continues to bring up maybe ask her not to. If you're close it will be worth it!