To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

She sounds jealous, OP.

I do think you need to slap her down a bit, though. Her comments are very bitchy for a friend. I just can't imagine speaking to a friend that way and you really do not have to take it.

I think I'd just go full direct in a reply to a message next time she starts, with something like, 'Do we really have to compete over everything? Can we not just be happy for each other that we got what we wanted and are happy? I don't have to want your life and you don't have to want mine. We're very different people, can we just be happy for each other, please?'.

If you're not direct I just think this will carry on forever because the chip on her shoulder is only going to grow with time.

JUST SEEN UPDATE - Well done, OP. I really hope she thinks twice before doing it again and, if not, that you feel happier to say something.

Totally agree it’s a lot more attainable and common place to get married and have kids than it is to have a successful career earning 90k a year at the age of 28!!

She sounds like she’s not actually happy with her lot and she’s working that hard because she thinks it’s makes her look good to other people. You support her, she should support you too! I’d try and return those questions to her when she asks you in the future ie “are you not unfulfilled just focusing your entire life on work” “I’d die if all I had was work” “are you not worried you will die lonely and bored during your retirement” she will soon get the hint!

It's not attainable for everyone to have a partner and kids.

Probably less attainable at 28 because even if you have a partner, he's probably not willing to do that yet.

I'd just distance myself from this kind of energy, it's draining

Depends on your perspective. A six figure salary was just the norm in my peer group when I was that age (long time ago!) Looking in at someone having created a new life and taking on all the responsibility that came with that would have been much more mind-blowing and impressive to the 28 year-old me.

I think I was guilty of this before I had my own kids. It’s probably not intentional she just has no idea of what your life is like now. Don’t take it to heart. If she has kids one day she’ll probably apologise. I know I did when I realised what it was like myself.

@MayThe4th @storminaglassofwater I'd say a pregnant woman being in a dressing gown in the afternoon because she had napped when her toddler was napping is the definition of "coping very well" 😂

She sounds insecure and jealous!

I understand your point, but being undecided about kids can be a very alienating, isolating experience as a woman. I’m in that position now and I don’t feel like I can relate to my friends who are moms or know that they want to be, but I also don’t relate to my friends who know they never want kids. The only people I can talk to about the subject are my husband (who is similarly unsure but doesn’t hate himself for it the way I do) and my therapist. It’s very lonely.

She sounds like she has a lack of empathy. I get that she’s achieved a lot at her age. I mean £90k at 28 is pretty impressive. I don’t think she’s jealous as someone else said your average person is not going to be paid that much at 28 years old.
She might just be saying that as she thinks that her life choices is better to yours.
As a friend she should be supportive of you but also as your life is so different it might be harder to relate.
i used to have a friend who got married and had kids early and our friendship fizzled out. It wasn’t from lack of trying but for some reason she didn’t want to stay in touch and I suspect she was jealous of me as I had someone say that they can’t be friends with me as I have everything they wanted which was hurtful as it’s not a competition.
i wouldn’t dream of rubbing it in someone’s face for their life choices. Maybe you are both so different now that it’s time for you to see her occasionally and make new friends that are similiar to you.

@LuckySantangelo35 what a ridiculous comment. OP is very unlikely to spend all her time in her dressing gown . You know that right? If the " friend" is SO happy , why is she constantly pecking at the OP? Hmmm 🤔

Its sufficiently attainable to make it highly unlikely that a 28 year old woman with an excellent career and all her options ahead of her would be jealous of her SAHM friend.

If I had to call it, the friend believes her life to be so much better than the OPs, she's a little miffed that the OP isn't jealous of HER, so she's trying to provoke OP into acknowledging that she is. This isn't uncommon. People seem to have an odd need for others to be envious of their lives. A good example is this thread with SAHMs pushing the idea that a working 28 year old must be jealous of the OP. Its the same in reverse.

Oh, please. I've not had kids, through choice (sadly have never had the 6-fig salary either though!) and I've never said anything like these comments to any of my friends with kids.

@elledee412 you can talk to us 💐

She sounds hideous. She doesn know what's she's missing, I just hope she hasn't put negative ideas in your head. I would LOVE to be a full-time SAHM.

Sounds like she's quite toxic and quite odd in her view about what a sexy woman is etc, and as hard as it may be, it could be the time to go different ways. You don't need that in your life (which sounds really great, enjoy it!!!).

She sounds awful and really spiteful.

I'd be looking to make some new friends op!

Its sufficiently attainable to make it highly unlikely that a 28 year old woman with an excellent career and all her options ahead of her would be jealous of her SAHM friend.

Well no, because if it's not attainable for that person, then it doesn't matter about what's attainable for the average person.

If this specific friend has a boyfriend who doesn't want children now, then it's not attainable.

If she has PCOS, it's not attainable.

If it doesn't fit in with her career goals, it's not attainable.

Jealousy also isn't a simple or linear thing. It can manifest in different ways. For example, someone who struggled to have a baby might be 'jealous' of a 19 year old who got pregnant easily. It's not because they wanted to be pregnant at 19, but they envy a specific thing someone else has. In this example, fertility. With this friend it could be free time and relaxation. It could even be having a family even though she doesn't want that right now.

Not free time, that was the wrong wording. But relaxation at home and less pressure from the workplace.

Could be seeing someone else have a close extended family helping them with children and feeling like their family wouldn't do the same.

Could be a simple as seeing someone else happy and feeling your choice isn't special. I earn £90k why isn't my friend impressed? Why is she happy just being a sahm?

I’m American so I don’t know why I ended up here - Facebook kept suggesting it for some reason and my curiosity won out - but I’ve stuck around because I’m always so impressed by how supportive people tend to be here compared to a lot of American parenting forums 🩷

That's fab. Inbox me if you want. I've been to the US and Canada a fair bit and know a few Americans. I'm so glad you've found MN helpful. I know it can be awful sometimes but in the main it's good.

You're delusional. This person is mean but I doubt they are jealous! 28 successful and their whole life ahead of them, perhaps 38 and things might be different, but I doubt it

You're delusional. This person is mean but I doubt they are jealous! 28 successful and their whole life ahead of them, perhaps 38 and things might be different, but I doubt it

Sorry? Is there any need for the insult? You seem to be taking this very personally, there's no need to get angry because you disagree.

My point was you can't say she's 'not jealous' without being in someone's head. I didn't say she is, I'm saying it's possible.

She is insecure and mean.