To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

Eurgh she sounds insufferable and so patronising! The way she says “your little family”.
I wonder if when she’s retired, old and lonely she’ll still be so smug about her fancy high flying career she once had whilst you have family all around you 🤔

This thread is such a good case study in how differently people can interpret the same conversation! A few people have said the friend sounds patronising in the texts - I don't see that but I do read OP as incredibly so, and this part in particular as hugely smug:
of course he knows! But whilst we're still very much physically attracted to each other (how do you think we made Bean?!), I'd say we both value other things more about each other, like being good parents to our kids and supportive partners to each other

Reading that did make me completely rethink OP's telling of the original conversation. I think if this is the kind of thing OP is saying then the friend's comments are much more understandable- but ultimately that might mean the friendship has run its course.

I mean they're definitely 'off' comments..i can't imagine she also doesn't understand that

I noticed that. Little is often used to patronise. I remember a bloke saying his wife had a little job. She actually worked ft just wasn't a huge earner. He ended up being made redundant. Didn't wish that on them but I hope he appreciated her more after that. Thankfully he was an ex's friend so I only met the insufferable bore once.

I didn’t miss it, I don’t have those thoughts to begin with, so therefore don’t keep to myself.

I don’t think thoughts like ‘men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees’ are normal, but then again my self esteem isn’t buried in the ground.

Oh FGS. A family isn't any guarantee of not being lonely and you may not have them around you, judging by Stately Homes.

I wouldnt let a very long friendship die over this; I would just maintain some boundaries and schedule some childfree time with her. And not get into a game of oneupmanship.

I'd say something like:

"It sounds like you want me to say I am miserable in my life, Agnes - why is that? I am glad you are happy with your career - it would be nice if you could be happy for me, and stop all the little judgy comments."

Start doing it back to her! When she talks about a meeting, or working late or job issues say ‘fuck that’. When she says ‘aren’t you worried you’ll be looking after kids into your 40s? Say back ‘are you not worried about being a spinster with a Rolex and good job and not much else?

Really? I thought that was far better than ‘bean’ and the rest of your post is just awful and reflective of the nasty judgemental stuff that some of the posters on here have described being subjected to.

Sounds like a right bitch. I’d get that relationship in the bin pronto.

@ThePerfectDog the friend is a dick though, she can get a taste of her own medicine so who actually cares. I think these were suggestions raised in direct response to her comments.

Funny how some people conveniently forget how rude the friend has been. Everyone sees things through the lens of their own life.

@AllHopeandRainbows

lol how do you know op will have all her family around her??!
you do realise offspring grow up and can move away don’t you, they can even emigrate. Or no contact for the slightest thing.

having kids is NO guarantee that you won’t be lonely in old age. Can’t believe people still think tbh.

I know this isn’t your problem, but I felt sorry for her reading your post. Not because of anything you’ve done!

She has achieved so much, and has so much, but she’s still obviously massively insecure. No one would felt secure in themselves would act like this. It’s just very sad. If she’s not happy with all she has, will she ever be happy? Attaching so much importance to what men find sexy is really sad.

In terms of what I’d do m in your shoes, I think if you want to keep the friendship, you have to be straight with her. You’ve chosen different paths and she needs to stop comparing out loud.

I think her insecurities may be fed by feeling that she has no back up in comparison to you- no husband or parents to give her financial support- she had to work for everything herself. That is just life - people are given different starting points, different degrees of luck if we’re honest. It’s lucky to have parents who will just give you money, many don’t have that. But it doesn’t achieve anything to keep comparing.

This is very true!

@Moveoverdarlin

omg I can’t believe you just used the word spinster

do you have any idea how misogynistic that it?!

the 1950s are that way Hun 👈

You're two friends with different priorities in life at the moment. You don't have to lose a friend because of that. You're both sounding as smug as each other with your lives. Both have their good points, and their downsides. Just don't overthink things or seek the external validation you accuse her of needing. If she's been a good friend for this long, you should know if there's any malice in the comments she's making.

Hi OP,

I will go against the trend and say that I might have been your friend at your/her age.

In my late 20s I was extremely career driven, worked very hard and unmarried/unpartnered/no kids. I did not imagine that I would want to stay at home with little children and be “reliant on a man” for money and thought people who I knew that had gone in that direction were making an odd choice. In particular, I knew one person who went from 6-figure high stress role, to being SAHM, and I really didn’t understand and imagined she would be bored. I hope I wasn’t at insensitive as your friend. However I am sure I tried to ask things such as “don’t you want to go back to work”? I didn’t mean to offend anyone but imagine that this was possible.

Now in my 30s, I have a baby of my own, and he is my whole heart, and no job could compare to that. So I understand now, but did not before, if that makes sense.

I have looked back on the girls I knew growing up, and think that some degree of competition in areas that are important to you, (whether career/material goods/partner/kids) is very normal (and not necessarily indicating a horrible person overall). You are naturally compared to the people most like you, and you may benchmark/calibrate how you are doing in life compared to them.
You and your friend both sound like very high achieving women in your youth, so her priorities are not that surprising. I think a lot of women in her/my circumstances probably have this priority switch at some time between their late 20s and 30s.

So your friend might not understand your life choices yet because she is at a different stage or has different priorities. She might come around in the future.

It’s up to you to decide if you want to confront her. I think you should tell her she is being offensive, if you value her friendship, and I hope she is mortified and learns to be more understanding.

I would try not to be a bitch back though.

Sorry I didn’t read updates - sounds like you did and the message got across even if she’s defensive. Now you can say “see this is one of those comments” if she does it again

It wouldn’t be my way to deal with it personally because I’m not a dick regardless of how someone behaves towards me.

Not sure if from the latter part of your post you’re assuming I don’t have kids?

I think it’s really sad when the worst thing a woman can imagine is not having a man and some kids.

I’m a ‘spinster’ and endlessly thankful that I don’t have to live with or put up with a man in my life!

Yes. That part was cringe.

Fron the texts exchanges, it doesn’t read like she noticed how her comments could be interpreted. I wonder if she does this with other friends or just OP.

I am not saying the friend is not being unreasonable in this situation but I don't think suggesting saying things about kids to someone who might be struggling to conceive (sounds like you are wishing that on her) is very nice and is actually quite nasty. Just an opinion from someone who experienced struggles to conceive.

@LuckySantangelo35

well she has more chance of it than her “high flying career” friend who’s more interested in buying a new handbag than being kind to friends 🤷🏼‍♀️

@LuckySantangelo35

Also of course there are selfish people that move away and leave their elderly parents to die alone I suppose yes.

depends what you mean by “decent” job? There are plenty of jobs that don’t necessarily pay well but are really rewarding.