To think best friend's comments about her job vs my kids are rude?

[pregnantbestie]

One of my closest friends is trying to compete with me non-stop and humble brag with any excuse. We’ve been best friends since primary school (now 28) and I don’t want to lose her as a friend but I’m struggling with the constant attempts to compete. How do I address it without sounding btchy?

We did quite similar degrees and started out having similar careers (her in finance, me in law) but I realised that the corporate world and working 12hr days wasn’t for me, my boyfriend proposed around the same time and we decided to start a family with me being a SAHM. I love it, it’s the happiest I’ve been. No plans of going back to work, at least not until my youngest is close to secondary school. Financially we’re fine: we’re lucky enough to have both sets of parents helping out with costs like house deposit, nursery furniture etc and my husband earns just over 100K.

Meanwhile my friend loves the high paced environment, gets a buzz from the promotions and high pay, takes pride in her career in a male dominated field. I’m super happy for her, very proud of her and have always supported her. She is, however, someone who relies heavily on external validation ie she needs friends and family to say her boyfriend is lovely, how well she’s doing in her career, how nice the things she buys are, and if she doesn’t get that she will outright ask “do you think my boyfriend is nice?” “Do you think 90K at our age is a good salary?” etc. Since I’ve quit my job / got married / had a baby she’s made little comments like “so you’re not bored at home?” or if talking about our day “I’d shoot myself having to go to the playground every day”. I just saw those as passing comments, something not intended with malice, just her pointing out she’s got different preferences. Recently I told her I’m pregnant (first person aside from my mum and husband to know!) shortly after she’d received a promotion she was really after and suddenly the comments intensified: her response was “oh congrats, just when you thought your nappy years are nearly over you’re back in them hahahaha!” or “do you think you’d want to go back to work if you earned 90K though, instead of having a second?” or “does it scare you that you won’t be totally free from kids till your late 40s?” (ie when they move out) or “does it ever make you think what a nice life you’d have if you didn’t have to look after and buy things for kids?” or [shows a watch she bought] “do you wish you’d never had kids, kept earning and now you’d be buying yourself little treats here and there?” or “i think men find it sexy when you’re all dressed up in a dress and heels, in a high paying job, rather than in a dressing gown making purees”. All said in the last 5 days that she’s known about pregnancy (yes we chat a lot).

AIBU to think these comments are off? Or am I just being a hormonal pregnant lady?

@MayThe4th if a poster posted here that her kids were now at school and her husband had decided he didn’t want to work because he wanted to spend time on his hobbies people would say he was a cocklodger and would be urging the OP to leave him.

They would if OP’s husband wasn’t happy with the situation and OP had come here to ask whether she was being reasonable. But there’s no suggestion at all that that’s the case so surely it’s a moot point?

I’m responding to your assertion that OP will regret being a SAHM once her kids are older because she won’t have anything that gives her an identity. Maybe for some people their entire identity is bound up in their job, but many people have more to them than that.

Me: of course he knows! But whilst we're still very much physically attracted to each other (how do you think we made Bean?!), I'd say we both value other things more about each other, like being good parents to our kids and supportive partners to each other
Her: that's great

Mate….did you actually write this? 😬 I’m not surprised she sent a bit of an awkward reply. Your message sounds really defensive and strange.

Maybe back away from the friendship a bit. You’ve gone on different directions and neither seems particularly at ease with the other’s choices.

TBH the more I read of this thread the more I think the OP is upset because her friend has touched a nerve.

Not that she necessarily wants the high flying job or the sexy heels, but that she’s struggling with being a parent.

She only has one child and even now she’s still in a dressing gown at 4:00, that’s certainly not the idea of someone who is coping, and how much harder are things going to be when she has two. Anyone who has had more than one knows that having two kids is three times the work et. So if the OP is struggling to keep on top of things with one baby, then she does have a difficult road ahead.

I know!

especially the bit about making ‘bean’

🤮

I think there’s a big difference between not wanting children yourself and thinking that those who do are actually inferior to you.

I’m still close to friends who are childless - we meet up without the kids and talk about other stuff. But I’ve lost touch with another friend after he said during one of the lockdowns that the worst thing about Covid wasn’t the pressure on the NHS, or people’s mental health, or all the people dying alone, or anything like that…it was people being less productive at work because their kids were at home. Apparently the colleagues with kids just weren’t paying attention properly during meetings and sometimes you could even hear them in the background: that was literally his idea of the worst consequence of a global pandemic.

I doubt OP’s friend thinks in such extremes, but if OP has the sense that her friend thinks her life is somehow less because she has children, for me that would probably be a friendship that wasn’t worth maintaining.

😂😂 ”How do you think we made Bean?” is pure gold comedy stuff. I can just picture the friend slowly backing away because that is not only funny, but batshit crazy and also patronising as fuck.

@MayThe4th the fact that op may be struggling makes this worse because why the fuck would anyone treat their friend like that

That would touch a few nerves me

I agree.

It must be WEIRD as hell to see your dynamic, intelligent, well-educated best friend who had loads of success pack it in to stay in her PJs until 4pm. I’d be pushy if I was the best friend - cos no way does that sound like someone making the most of and living their best life. Best friend is probably worried. I would be if any of my friends did this. And the defensiveness from OP is bewildering

@Ulysees well yes, I would still consider her a friend. She has supported me through some upsetting times and ultimately that means more to me than my annoyance at her constantly talking about her family. I don’t think it makes her a bad person but I admit I sometimes avoid her in favour of friends who do not do this! I’m lucky I have enough friends that if one annoys me a little I can focus on others!

Best friend is probably worried. I would be if any of my friends did this. And the defensiveness from OP is bewildering

She's not worried, she's egotistical and insecure, and wants to feel superior in her lifestyle choices. You don't express worry for a friend by insulting and putting them down.

Like saying ' you should really have a family now, can't imagine how lonely you must be at Christmas' to a childfree friend is expressing genuine concern🤣

No, she'd say 'is probably better to get back to work a bit sooner, for financial security'.

OP isn't even defensive, she basically sat there and took all the insults without saying anything back

Being a career woman myself, I am really struggling to understand why a 28 year old living a good life and with good prospects really has to be jealous or bitter about. She has plenty of time to settle down and seems extremely sorted to me.

I think she should stop making the same old comments over and over again and I wonder OP what your usual response is to these comments, have you tried to shut them down and if so how does that go.

I also wonder if she is genuinely concerned about you being so reliant on a man at your young age, but even this should not be something she needs to keep bringing up in this fairly roundabout manner.

This really sums it up

People under the apparent ideal age of mid 30s can still want a partner and children. Or could have had a pregnant loss. Or might have an excellent career but also feel overwhelmed at times.

So yes, her friend could still want some aspects of OP's life. None of us know for certain. But none of the comments come across as concern, at least not in a kind and caring way.

TBH the more I read of this thread the more I think the OP is upset because her friend has touched a nerve.

I agree, would love to hear the friends side to this story, I suspect the OP has got exactly what she wanted from this thread though, validation on her life choices and comfort that posters are telling her the friend is extremely jealous of her.

This is what I say to my daughter.

There are people who, if you were in a swimming pool and struggling to get out, would help you out.

There are people who, if you were in a swimming pool and struggling to get out, would push you under so they could get themselves out.

Is she a friend who would help both of you to thrive- or would she push you down so she could get ahead? I think only you could answer that.

She just sounds like she’s being spiteful. She may actually disdain your choices (many of us may not approve of our friends choices but wouldn’t be horrible enough go talk to them like that). Maybe she is jealous that you have something that she wants and she’s kicking you because she can’t contain herself.

Whatever the reason she’s being really awful and you are under no obligation to absorb it. She definitely doesn’t sound happy, I’m pretty happy and can’t remember the last time I said something about anyone else in a mean way. Happy content people don’t behave like this. Whatever is bugging her may not even be about you but you aren’t a punching bag for whatever feelings she has.

If I was concerned about a friends financial security and I had known them 20 years I would just tell them. Not bang on about how they look like shit and men prefer women just like me.

No but people do reach a point where they wish they'd done more with their lives. My mother, when she saw me with my job, my own money, the excitement of a new venture - she wished she'd qualified as a teacher which was all she wanted to do. (But she didn't - because of us and my dad).
Her sister, my aunt, who is 90, wishes very much that she'd been encouraged to "be something" - instead of as a "girl" always being told she couldn't.
And my grandmother was seriously bright but would never have been allowed to be educated. When all the young men went to war she ran the family business - extremely successfully - but when her father died it was all left to her brother - who let it run into debt. She, meanwhile, was told to get married.
So let's not put women down if their choice isn't one we might make.

As PP have stated, she is jealous and she's really not your friend. I think she'd swap places with you in a heartbeat!

That old chestnut...well before they die they might be happy that they've had a stimulating career and achieved something on their own terms, and that they never had to rely on a husband to pay for everything! And they might be in a really lovely nursing home or in their own house because their pension enabled them to do so.

@AlwaysGinPlease

being home in your dressing gown in the afternoon cleaning up after people doesn’t sound that fabulous tbh. Hardly the stuff of dreams for her friend.

OPs friend is 28, successful in her career and earning loads of money - I think she’s ok.

I think this person is either deeply delusional/forgetful/heedless of how her comments sound, or she is a straight-up cunt.
You need an actual conversation, not a message exchange, to show you which one she is.
BTW why are people hand-wringing because the OP, pregnant and with a small child, has on one occasion been in a dressing gown in the afternoon?

Your choices are unsettling her for some reason. Most likely born of insecurity of not feeling as fulfilled in what she is doing and/or her relationship as she is making out. People who have to shout so loud about their great lives and choices are usually doubting them. Or they are just very narrow minded. Or just nasty. You're best placed to decide which applies to her. But this isn't about her, it's about how you choose to move forward. Lifelong friendships withstand being at different life stages. This one clearly isn't. I would move on with a slow fade.

Hard agree. When you're in love with your babies it can be hard to imagine anything more wonderful, but it doesn't mean that someone focussing on their career is some materialistic harridan in the way other posters seem to be suggesting

I knew that people would be jumping on to say 'she's jealous' but in all truth, I doubt it. For one it would probably be a lot more achievable for her to find a man and have children than it is to do what she's doing, so if she was so envious of yoir life, she could do the same. So, my theories are, she may be genuinely curious, as you're living a life so far removed from what she would choose she can't figure it out. Or, she isn't as nice as you thought, and is trying to rub your nose in what she believes to be her better more successful life.