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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave my husband, divorce him for his behaviour

165 replies

MrsQGinglass · 01/02/2024 20:14

So not to drip feed, my husband is a very work focused and runs his own business with people that rely on him for wages.

My darling Mum died last year, she had early onset Dementia, we cared for her at home until it become too hard and we as a family, decided that we would place Mum into a very nice care home.

After a couple of months the care home informed us that they thought Mum was on the end of life pathway, IE she was going to pass away in the next few weeks/months. I could see that she was going downhill.

When Mum could not walk or talk anymore as she was too weak, I went into the care home every night.

The care home called and said that Mum has near the end, and it was a matter of hours. I rushed to the care home, and met my Dad who was with Mum.
My Mum had other ideas and lasted another 6 days as she was young her body did not give up. I never left her room and only slept for half an hour at a time.

When I finally got home after my Mum had died, my Husband had gone to fucking work, all I wanted was to be comforted and to be frank looked after.

I cant move past the fact that he went to work and thought it was ok, his best friends mum died and my husband was in tears that he had let his friend down as he did not go to his Mum's funeral but I am meant to suck it up as I know what he is like and how he cant let his workers down but he can let me down.

AIBU to want to feel like this and that I cant move om.

OP posts:
Pacifybull · 01/02/2024 20:19

Gently, I don’t think your DH has done anything wrong by going to work. When my DH’s parents died, I went to work as normal. It wouldn’t occur to me not to. Did you ask him to stay with you?

SwordToFlamethrower · 01/02/2024 20:20

That's awful! What was he thinking?? What did he say? Did he actually ask you to suck it up?

Rosebyanothername19 · 01/02/2024 20:21

How long have you been harbouring this resentment?

Have you spoken to him about how it made you feel?

If he knew you would be coming home when you did and went to work anyway then I would have been absolutely livid and incredibly hurt too.

Fluffyfleece · 01/02/2024 20:24

I understand where you're coming from. My ex was the same.

You were intensely vulnerable and needed support at that time, I'm sorry about your mum 💐

MrsQGinglass · 01/02/2024 20:25

Pacifybull · 01/02/2024 20:19

Gently, I don’t think your DH has done anything wrong by going to work. When my DH’s parents died, I went to work as normal. It wouldn’t occur to me not to. Did you ask him to stay with you?

I had been away from home, for 6 days and was there every minute with her, her death was frankly horrific, she was only 69.

I had not slept and wanted to be comforted as my Dad was in pieces and I was the one being strong for the both of us and my Mum.

I could not just leave my husband when his parents died, I supported him and was there for him. I thought a partnership you are there for each through the good times and bad.

OP posts:
Bluenotgreen · 01/02/2024 20:26

Do you have DC? What was the situation whilst you were with your mum 24/7 for six days? Could DH go to work then, or was he with DC?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/02/2024 20:29

He's really let you down. I suppose what you need to do is tell him you feel let down and spell out to him what you need now- time
Cuddles kindness etc. if he then doesn't do this then I would be thinking what's the point of having a husband if they can't help
You in sad times.

So sorry about your mum xxx

Pacifybull · 01/02/2024 20:30

MrsQGinglass · 01/02/2024 20:25

I had been away from home, for 6 days and was there every minute with her, her death was frankly horrific, she was only 69.

I had not slept and wanted to be comforted as my Dad was in pieces and I was the one being strong for the both of us and my Mum.

I could not just leave my husband when his parents died, I supported him and was there for him. I thought a partnership you are there for each through the good times and bad.

I didn’t leave my husband when his parents died. I wasn’t there but of course I supported him. He was with his mum when she died, and had to fly back from abroad when his dad died. He was hundreds of miles away from our home, and wasn’t here. I, of course, had to work and look after our DC.

Likeagoodday · 01/02/2024 20:31

Did you ask him to stay?

My DH is a workaholic, I knew that before we married and had children, there have been times I’ve played second fiddle to work (serious illness/child birth!)and it’s hard, but the reason we have a such a nice life is because of the business.

MrsQGinglass · 01/02/2024 20:32

Bluenotgreen · 01/02/2024 20:26

Do you have DC? What was the situation whilst you were with your mum 24/7 for six days? Could DH go to work then, or was he with DC?

My DC, are older teenagers and can look after themselves or were staying with friends, my best friend was making sure they were ok, if they were at home.

OP posts:
notknowledgeable · 01/02/2024 20:33

Lots of jobs would not allow you time off for this

LizzieSiddal · 01/02/2024 20:33

He should have stayed with you at least for the first day you were back. I can’t believe he left you on your own after such an horrific week.

Im not sure I’d divorce him though, is he usually so thoughtless?

PinkyFlamingo · 01/02/2024 20:34

Pacifybull · 01/02/2024 20:19

Gently, I don’t think your DH has done anything wrong by going to work. When my DH’s parents died, I went to work as normal. It wouldn’t occur to me not to. Did you ask him to stay with you?

You went to work rather than being with your DH when his parents died? Seriously?

Jagoda · 01/02/2024 20:37

Sadly some people are just shit at dealing with death/bereavement.

I think divorce would be a huge overreaction if he’s otherwise a good husband, but you can separate for any reason you wish.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/02/2024 20:38

notknowledgeable · 01/02/2024 20:33

Lots of jobs would not allow you time off for this

Mine wouldn't. Being self-employed is different but normal jobs wouldn't allow it.

Bearsmumma · 01/02/2024 20:39

I’m sorry for you loss OP. I had similar when one of my parents died at a very similar age to your mums but suddenly. My DH went off to work leaving me at home with DC who was very young. At the time I was just going through the motions. He refused to come to the funeral or help with childcare and went to work (he didn’t have to go to work). It’s caused a lot of resentment from me to him. My DC are young (I was pregnant at the time) but often think if I wasn’t pregnant I would have left him. I felt so let down I’m not sure our relationship will ever properly recover from it. Sending a hug.

Howsoon23 · 01/02/2024 20:39

My DH was at work when my dad died - we all him and DC met at my mums house after he got back from work - he was working the next day i think from home it was fine

MrsQGinglass · 01/02/2024 20:39

notknowledgeable · 01/02/2024 20:33

Lots of jobs would not allow you time off for this

He runs his own business! He can take time off when he wants and to do things he wants to do, like his hobby.

OP posts:
MrsQGinglass · 01/02/2024 20:42

notknowledgeable · 01/02/2024 20:33

Lots of jobs would not allow you time off for this

Any job that I have worked, would let someone take the day off, either compassionate, holiday or unpaid. Perhaps I live in a different world.

OP posts:
MrsQGinglass · 01/02/2024 20:43

Howsoon23 · 01/02/2024 20:39

My DH was at work when my dad died - we all him and DC met at my mums house after he got back from work - he was working the next day i think from home it was fine

My Mum died at 3.30am, so I came home to an empty house.

OP posts:
Greensleevevssnotnose · 01/02/2024 20:43

My partner didn't take a day off when his mum or dad died, it's not a badge of honours or anything, just couldn't let clients down. Had a day for the funeral and back at it the following day. Different people cope in different ways. Maybe yours felt bringing in the money was the best support he could offer. Sorry you feel let down by him

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 01/02/2024 20:47

I think you need to talk to him about how you feel.

Maddy70 · 01/02/2024 20:47

When my own parent died i went to work because i needed to

Honestly . You need time to grieve by yourself and also he needs time to work and deal with things his own way. He would be there after work. Gently.. im.sorry life goes on businesses need to be run

adriftinadenofvipers · 01/02/2024 20:49

Have you talked to him about it?

You're grieving. Divorce would be a huge step unless he's a dreadful husband in other ways too, and this is only the tip of the iceberg.

My mum died even younger than yours many years ago now and I have no memory of what my husband did or didn't do.

Fluffyfleece · 01/02/2024 20:51

@MrsQGinglass ❤️

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