To leave my husband, divorce him for his behaviour

[MrsQGinglass]

So not to drip feed, my husband is a very work focused and runs his own business with people that rely on him for wages.

My darling Mum died last year, she had early onset Dementia, we cared for her at home until it become too hard and we as a family, decided that we would place Mum into a very nice care home.

After a couple of months the care home informed us that they thought Mum was on the end of life pathway, IE she was going to pass away in the next few weeks/months. I could see that she was going downhill.

When Mum could not walk or talk anymore as she was too weak, I went into the care home every night.

The care home called and said that Mum has near the end, and it was a matter of hours. I rushed to the care home, and met my Dad who was with Mum.
My Mum had other ideas and lasted another 6 days as she was young her body did not give up. I never left her room and only slept for half an hour at a time.

When I finally got home after my Mum had died, my Husband had gone to fucking work, all I wanted was to be comforted and to be frank looked after.

I cant move past the fact that he went to work and thought it was ok, his best friends mum died and my husband was in tears that he had let his friend down as he did not go to his Mum's funeral but I am meant to suck it up as I know what he is like and how he cant let his workers down but he can let me down.

AIBU to want to feel like this and that I cant move om.

Good for you.

Sometimes things work that way - if a person seems to be very capable they just get left to carry on with everything.

Best wishes going forward x

Last June ! and you have been bottling your resentment towards him all this time ?

Did you not say to him at the time what you wanted / needed / expected from him ?

You say you work full time - your employer gave you all that time off ? or was it taken from your annual leave allowance afterwards.

Sometimes people take and need time to process things. There's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't mean the person has been "bottling resentment" all that time. Everyone should take what time they need. Sometimes better than a five second snap decision that is regretted.

Maybe you need to express your needs to your DH more? Are you usually very self-sufficient and never asking of things (for yourself) from others?

You didn’t think that your dh would want support from his wife?

dh was with his siblings st the hospital when his mum passed but I was there for him the minute he got in and I stayed off work and supported him for a couple of days before I had to go back to work. Thankfully my work were very supportive considering I had only worked there a 3 months.

surely it’s a wife/husbands duty to be there and support their oh in times of need? It didn’t even occur to me to go to work it was low in my priorities.

im not sure I would forgive my dh if he wasn’t there when I needed him.

My employer gave me compassionate time off fully paid.

Thank you, bottling up is the wrong way of putting it, soul searching if I was expecting too much. It has been 7 months of first her birthday, Christmas etc.

I dont think he was being selfish, just using his emotional intelligence at all, and frankly being an idiot. I am going to try and put it behind us and move on as I do love him but if he pulls another selfish stunt I will have no second thoughts in getting a divorce.

You'll know. I stayed after he did something terrible but am divorcing him over something unforgivable. One just knows when it's the end.

I'm sorry for the loss of your Mum 🌺

OP, I'm with you, I know from my own experience that if you come across strong many people leave you to it when things get tough because they assume you're coping ok. But actually, sometimes our world crumbles too and sometimes we need support and TLC and for someone to go an extra mile for us. Grief is one of those moments and I can read between the lines how hard losing your Mum has hit you. I'm sorry for your loss. Thing is, had he taken a day off, brought you a cup of tea and toast and dealth with immediate life admin on that very day and let you rest in peace, things would have been very different. I think he is selfish and acts on assumptions, but you are also right that not showing your vulnerability and just getting on with stuff facilitating everybody else does bite you in the back because people get used to it, take your efforts for granted and don't reciprocate, almost at times forgetting you're human, not a superhuman. It's very thoughtless and rubbish, but it isn't always deliberate to make you feel even worse.

I'm glad you spoke to him, I hope your relationship will become gentler and more attentive to your needs going forward.

I’m so pleased that you were able to have a productive conversation about how you felt and he was able to hear you.

The way he explains it, I could imagine my DH falling into the same trap. I’m always so “together” and in control he can often overlook when I’m feeling vulnerable.

I genuinely hope that you can both move on from this past horrible year.

I'd have to leave him for that. Shows how unimportant you are to him doesn't it.

This is what jumped out at me. He had the opportunity to apologise for hurting you , even if inadvertently, and providing you the comfort you needed after work but instead he seems to be avoiding you.

With the greatest of respect, I do think you're overreacting. Clearly you had a rough time of it, but it wasn't his mother dying and there was little he could actually do in the moment. Naturally if you asked for him to be there and he chose to work instead that's a very different situation, but it sounds like you didn't ask him and just assumed he'd be around?

I agree it's not nice that he wasn't trying to comfort you. I do think talking about leaving him for that is over the top though. If you've explained how you felt and he's apologised for it, you should move on.

I find it strange that anyone would have to ask their spouse to support them when their mom does. I understand asking your partner what they would like you to do to support them, but not doing anything? Hell no.

You have to lack a huge amount of empathy to act like everything is normal when your spouse is grieving a profound loss.

It’s not his mother, no it’s mine. You would not support your partner when their parent died, honestly I think this is cruel, that you think so little of your in-law and your partners feelings.

Losing a parent, sibling is a horrible experience.