To leave my husband, divorce him for his behaviour

[MrsQGinglass]

So not to drip feed, my husband is a very work focused and runs his own business with people that rely on him for wages.

My darling Mum died last year, she had early onset Dementia, we cared for her at home until it become too hard and we as a family, decided that we would place Mum into a very nice care home.

After a couple of months the care home informed us that they thought Mum was on the end of life pathway, IE she was going to pass away in the next few weeks/months. I could see that she was going downhill.

When Mum could not walk or talk anymore as she was too weak, I went into the care home every night.

The care home called and said that Mum has near the end, and it was a matter of hours. I rushed to the care home, and met my Dad who was with Mum.
My Mum had other ideas and lasted another 6 days as she was young her body did not give up. I never left her room and only slept for half an hour at a time.

When I finally got home after my Mum had died, my Husband had gone to fucking work, all I wanted was to be comforted and to be frank looked after.

I cant move past the fact that he went to work and thought it was ok, his best friends mum died and my husband was in tears that he had let his friend down as he did not go to his Mum's funeral but I am meant to suck it up as I know what he is like and how he cant let his workers down but he can let me down.

AIBU to want to feel like this and that I cant move om.

What a selfish bastard!

I'm so sorry about your poor mum and honestly if it was me no I wouldn't be able to forgive him and the fact that he cried over a friend's mum and yet left you alone when your mum,his mil had died would make me even more upset.

I'm sorry for your loss, it sounds heartbreaking.
I was ready to say dont make such big decisions in grief and try to see it from your hardworking DHs perspective, however taking all of your updates into account as well as the OP, I think your DH is a selfish arsehole and doesn't really care about you. A loving, caring and considerate partner doesn't act this way. Sorry. Take this revelation and go make a happy life for yourself 💐

My husband took compassionate leave from work when my dad suddenly dropped dead at 65.. I do not know how I would have cooed if he hadn't because I was a mess.

I totally get why you are so upset op. I would have expected support, not to be left alone on the first day

I'm sorry for your loss OP.

It hurts like hell when the people who are supposed to love you let you down so monumentally. I'd find that behavior difficult to get over...

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your husband's behaviour is horrible and you're not needy for expecting far more. Jesus wept, some of the responses on here would make me despair for humanity. For comparison, my partner was there in the hospital room with me as my dad died, and never left my side for a couple of days after. I didn't have to explain to him what I needed, he did it because he's a compassionate person. Last week a friend of mine died after a horrible illness and partner left work early and came home with a bag of thoughtful treats, and a plant for the garden to remember my friend. OP, looking at your various posts, I would be seriously thinking about leaving him. He's not a good man.

I'm so so sorry for your loss op, it sounds traumatic and incredibly painful and it's clear from your posts how important your mum was to you.

I understand some people can be really bad with death and grief and big emotions and struggle to know what to do or say and therefore avoid it because they just don't have the social skills so they panic and run away. Even though really the reality is that just being there would have been enough. Would that be true to form for him? Is he normally competent and empathetic in situations similar to this or does he struggle?

Either way, it was a very selfish reaction. I can understand going to work but he really should have skipped the gym and prioritised you even if he thought you were okay.

I'm not sure how recent this all is from your messages op, I've maybe missed it. But I think firstly, maybe it would be worth getting some support in place for yourself to help you process the passing of your mum because you deserve to have space where you don't need to be strong and you can have big emotions without feeling bad about it and with someone who will be happy to sit with you in that moment.

When you feel the time is right, I think you need to sit down with your husband and be explicitly clear with him that while he feels he did nothing wrong- you feel incredibly deeply hurt and abandoned and let down by him in the moment where you needed him the most. And even if it seemed like the right call to him at the time - it wasn't and he needs to accept responsibility for that, apologise and he needs to start actively prioritising you and your relationship otherwise you may not be able to move past this. To me, that should involve couples counselling as you've suggested.

You unfortunately can't control his reaction op, and potentially he'll continue to be defensive and shut you down. But I think at that point you realise that you're really in a marriage on your own and those don't work. So it's up to you what you decide to do next, whether you feel you can accept it for what it is and move on, or if you need to get your ducks in a row, seek legal advice and leave.

You don't need to decide anything right now though, these are big decisions and you're allowed to take time and allow the grief to settle in and ease a little before you need to make any life changing decisions regarding your marriage. I'm so sorry you're going through all of that- it's a lot for one person to manage so please use the support you have available and prioritise yourself.

OP I’m so sorry for your loss.

YANBU- almost exactly the same thing happened to me and my ex husband wasn’t there for me at all. I never forgave him and realised I needed someone who would be there for me when I was in crisis, and it was the beginning of the end for us. It felt like I went through that entire thing completely alone, so thought- I may as well be alone, clearly I’ll manage!

When I eventually asked for a divorce I told him it was the reason why, and he admitted it was bad of him and he should have been more supportive and he couldn’t explain why he wasn’t. I now realise why he wasn’t- he didn’t truly love me.

I’m now with a partner who would drop everything if I needed him, for whatever reason, big or small. I’m a very strong independent person so it’s not something I even need to call upon often, but knowing I have that support is a non negotiable for me now.

My ex husband did the same when my mum died. I remember feeling so alone. Honestly it was the thing I never forgave him for. We’re divorced now

Hope you’ve read all the replies from people who never forgave their exes for doing this. You just left your husband grieving and cracked onto work? Have you lost a parent? You’d be truly happy to be at home alone grieving while your husband went to work and the gym ? I’ve seen a later post from you where you backtrack and say your husband was away when his parents died which is a totally different situation.
“didn’t occur to me” or “thoughtless cruelty”

I would not recommend you make any drastic decisions while you’re grieving OP. Give yourself time to clear your head first.

I think yes it’s especially bad he went to the gym after work.

Some people do just have the work mentality. There are a lot of work environments where someone would not be allowd the day off. I have worked in 2 jobs where I wasn’t allowed the day off for a funeral and my team member couldn’t get a day off for his own wedding (seriously). After working in these environments for so long, I wouldn’t automatically take the day off but I would at least ask DH if he would like my support. Some people do just also prefer to be on their own.

Men are mostly fucking idiots as well. I remember having counselling during maternity leave and talking about how my normally lovely DH was being useless. My therapist told me that after doing years of couples therapy, she has learnt that men need instructions. They are idiots with no empathy or intuition. So in this situation you may have needed to actually ASK him to be at home with you.

I think you could definitely both benefit from some couples’ therapy, even just to talk about how you communicate with eachother. If he’s unwilling to do that, then you may have a problem.

I’m sorry for your loss. it sounds like you must have been absolutely exhausted and are still grieving and seeing life through the veil of grief.
I wonder if he thought after 6 days of this you would just want to crawl into bed and sleep. I think many spouses would go to work in this situation. The thing that wasn’t ok was his going to the gym.

A theory - is he resentful that your life revolved around your mother for some years rather than your own small family? I think you might benefit from grief counselling .

My mum died at 2am in hospital. I was at her bedside all of the previous day but took my DF home as he wasn’t coping
My husband woke when the hospital rang me in the middle of the night . I stayed awake as I had to inform my immediate family etc but he went straight back to sleep as he needed to be up at 6.30am for a golf match !
I was so upset that he did this but didn’t say anything at the time . I did however speak to him about it when his own DF died a few months later ( & I was there for him every step -of course ) He had no idea how I was feeling at the time my DM died , I’m usually very stoic and don’t really show my feelings . He apologised and I realised he just didn’t know how to support me or cope with my immediate grief . He said that he thought I’d prefer to be alone and that I had my immediate family to support me & he’d be in the way ( I actually ended up being their support and received none myself )
I accept now that it was as much my fault for staying quiet and a miscommunication problem more than anything else . Don’t be too hard on him Op

This. I wouldn’t expect my husband to take the day off for this. But I would expect him to be there for me after work etc.

My husband can be a bit rubbish. A lot of the time. But he cut short a business trip when my mum died at 69, after a long illness.

Absolutely this - people react differently to situations and don’t see it from someone else’s point of view. That’s what makes us unique.

It’s crap, tell him how you feel, but divorce? You’re grieving still, he’s not.

My FIL died very soon after my dh did something that meant I would go on to divorce him but I still dropped everything to drive him to his mother's, went back later with clothes as he would go on to stay there for months, told everyone and held the fort at home. Your husband needs telling what you are feeling and you need to hear if he is sorry, understands what you need and is willing to fulfil that. If not, then that's your answer.

I am sorry for your loss.

I think it’s very insensitive. When my dad my ex came home from work overseas immediately, and he was my ex at the time not my partner.

I'm very sorry for your loss, OP. My mum died when I was 24 so I can empathise with how you feel. Now I've had nearly two decades to reflect on my grief, I can tell you that I felt a lot of anger in the days following and that it was disproportionate. It's a displaced emotion I think. It feels less awful and powerless than the grief and so it's a safer emotion to feel. Very gently I would suggest not making any decisions while in the middle of such a life change as you are not in control of your thoughts and feelings at the moment. Wait for the dust to settle, have a conversation with your husband and tell him how you feel. But don't think about divorce. Now is not the time to make such a life changing decision.

I came here to say the "people are different and sometimes get it wrong thing". My husband is fucking useless with someone needing emotional support. When he suffers a loss etc he internalisises it, goes through the motions of normal day, does not want to talk about it or be fussed over. An unfortunate consequence of that is he also assumes/ wants others to do the same when they experience a loss or bad upset. He doesn't know what to do if I'm openly upset/emotional and when I've asked for emotional support/ talking he has tried but he's actually so useless at it, it makes it worse. So it would actually be better for me if he cleared off to work. I had to go into hospital for a late pregnancy loss (had to deliver baby) and he offered to come but I said I'd actually prefer if he stayed home with our son who was 5 as I knew he'd be useless at the hospital and that would upset and annoy me more. Plus it helped me worry less about my son knowing his dad was looking after him as I had no idea how long the labour induction would be.

But the thing is he WILL offer any sort of practical help instead. Take over cooking, dealing with kids, drive anyone anywhere they need to go, help with probate paperwork ... anything but emotional support. So at least there's a love language still working away there.

After I read your updates OP though I think you don't even have that. I'm gobsmacked. He doesn't seem to care about you at all from what I've read and is totallyselfish. I'm so sorry. Firstly about your dear mum and secondly about your selfish husband.

You are grieving but people process death of a parent in different ways. I went to work as normal the day after each of my own parents died. Wouldn’t have occurred to me to take a day off. They were dead so didn’t need me. DH did the same when his died. I did however take time off to help them if needed when they were alive.

I’m sorry you lost your mum. As long as he has apologised and listened to why you were upset, it’s for you to choose to move past this or not. It happened, it didn’t go as you wanted but it can’t be undone. As replies here show, it’s pretty split views so it’s not the worst behaviour ever, just a different way of dealing with loss. I’ve had a lot of bereavement and I would probably have gone to work if I was your DH. It’s possible you are putting some of your grief into anger at your DH.

When my mother died my husband was working away overseas. For me that was a blessing. I wanted to be alone for a few days, I wasn't looking forward to him coming home.
People have different wants and needs, if you explained to your husband how you felt and what you needed then he let you down.
If you never, how would he know?

I’m really confused why people are arguing the toss with you here OP.

I think he definitely should of taken the day off, hell he should of taken the fortnight off to make sure your kids were being looked after rather then them being looked after by your friends.

When we lost my nan, my dad was gutted himself because he thought she was a lovely woman and it really hurt him when she passed and was there for my mum and for his kids. There’s definitely something not right here and I’m sorry you had to go through this alone.

He should have been there for you and you can choose to leave him for any reason. I think you're the best judge as to whether this was a one off lack of judgement for which he's very sorry or a pattern of behaviour with him not prioritising your needs. I'm surprised people are commenting saying he might not have realised you needed his support, it should be obvious to anyone that a partner needs support after their mother dying. I do also think it's hard to think clearly when grieving so I would give it a bit of time before making any major life decisions.

@MrsQGinglass your feelings are valid. You are absolutely right to be hurt and angry.

When we love someone, we feel for them. Even if we care for someone, we think of them and want to be there for them.

You DH knew you were coming home devastated and he made the conscious choice to avoid you and your feelings. That's a very telling behaviour. I would also be second guessing the relationship.

If this is indicative of him overall, I think you need to be honest and ask yourself if this man really loves you or if he's just there because it's easier than splitting.

Most of us would put someone in emotional pain first. We'd only avoid that person if we really didn't care at all.