To leave my husband, divorce him for his behaviour

[MrsQGinglass]

So not to drip feed, my husband is a very work focused and runs his own business with people that rely on him for wages.

My darling Mum died last year, she had early onset Dementia, we cared for her at home until it become too hard and we as a family, decided that we would place Mum into a very nice care home.

After a couple of months the care home informed us that they thought Mum was on the end of life pathway, IE she was going to pass away in the next few weeks/months. I could see that she was going downhill.

When Mum could not walk or talk anymore as she was too weak, I went into the care home every night.

The care home called and said that Mum has near the end, and it was a matter of hours. I rushed to the care home, and met my Dad who was with Mum.
My Mum had other ideas and lasted another 6 days as she was young her body did not give up. I never left her room and only slept for half an hour at a time.

When I finally got home after my Mum had died, my Husband had gone to fucking work, all I wanted was to be comforted and to be frank looked after.

I cant move past the fact that he went to work and thought it was ok, his best friends mum died and my husband was in tears that he had let his friend down as he did not go to his Mum's funeral but I am meant to suck it up as I know what he is like and how he cant let his workers down but he can let me down.

AIBU to want to feel like this and that I cant move om.

I'm very sorry for your loss. 💐
As far as your husband, do what is best for yourself, based on how you feel.

I agree with this.

I think your grief is making you feel this way. Have you had any grief counselling?

Am sure you have enough replies… sorry about your mum. I lost my mum suddenly when she was very young too. I had a complete breakdown. My partner at the time was very good - took as much time off work as possible to support me etc. Having said that, he was also (and still is) extremely abusive and I know he made a big deal about how he was supporting me to all and sundry as it made him look good. He was mostly horrible. So, if your husband is mostly horrible - maybe this is the straw that breaks everything. I commented as mine would also refuse couples counselling as “he was a great guy” - who would often threaten to make me homeless, say my mother hated me anyway, that I was evil etc!

I am sorry for your loss.
I dong think you should make any big decisions as you need time to grieve.
Everyone is different and even though he was heartless to just go to work if he is a genuine good husband in all other ways then I would not be looking at this as the end of your marriage.
take time for yourself over the next few months. Concentrate on you. Hopefully in a few months what seems a huge issue now will not seem as major then.
best wishes

Reading all of your posts makes me very much understand your thought process OP, yes.

Your mum died and he went to work, ok. But to then sod off to the gym on his way home and expect you to get on with it, is inexcusable and if he knew you well enough or thought of anyone but himself he'd be there for you. Not only that, but he wasn't there for his teens when their grandparent was dying suddenly, is he a robot?

Based on the information given, I agree with you and would struggle to move past it.

Well yes, of course he was wrong. Unquestionably. We all have our limits, maybe this is yours, can't advise you on that.

After reading your updates he's massively in the wrong. You were due home at 8, he went to meet his mates for breakfast instead of waiting in to console you. Then he went to the gym after work? No. Massive no. I hope you're doing ok OP x

I agree with this. What is he like as a husband generally?
I can imagine my DH would have done the same. He's useless at emotional support. There have been numerous times when he's not stepped up. Examples off the top of my head - dropped me off at work in bits after a scan showing our baby didn't have a heartbeat as he needed to go to a meeting.
I had a major health scare last year & he came with me to my consultant appt but didn't notice how terrified and anxious I was in the lead up. No hugs or asking if I was ok. He just doesn't get stuff like that.
It's easy to say leave him but otherwise he's a kind and caring husband & dad. He completely pulls his weight, makes me a cup of coffee in bed every morning & would do pretty much anything for me - he just lacks emotional intelligence at times. I'm fortunate to be able to lean on friends & family. I do sympathise OP.

Oooo okay so I'm trying to work on understanding my partner recently because he is very work focused and genuinely picks work over everything. Even when I was in hospital and family tragedies (nowhere near as big as yours though, I'm so sorry for your loss! Sending a huge hug)

Anyway, I used to give him a hard time. I felt like he didn't care about me. I felt like everyone else was more important to him. We've gotten so close to ending many times but it took for me to come to Mumsnet for me to learn a different perspective. Finally my partner stopped being defensive when I brought it up because I remained calm and collected, his reasoning actually made sense...to him.

As much as I hate saying it, men and women do think differently. I agree with you, he should've been there for you like he wanted to be for his friend but maybe he was devastated while he was at work? Maybe he wanted to make sure that nothing else went 'wrong' because he didn't want to add stress to your life so in his eyes going to work and trying to stay on top of things helps? Maybe he thought you wanted to be alone? (If perhaps yours someone who needs time alone when you're upset?) there's so many possible reasons but the best thing to do (when you feel ready) is calmly sit down and tell him how hurt you are and ask him to explain his reasoning. Only then you can act accordingly.

Again I am so so sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is so hard and you're being so brave! I hope he can make the effort to understand and you both can grieve together with love xxx

I'm so sorry it sounds horrific. What you need now is a cocoon of love and understanding. Your DH clearly has some
Emotional disconnect (probably not his fault and to do with his upbringing). I get how disappointing and hurtful his initial reaction was, but I think it's best you voice very clearly what you need from him.

YANBU to be upset or feel let down. YABU to want to leave him over it.

@MrsQGinglass I sometimes think mumsnetters are crazy!

Of course YANBU you’ve just lost you’re mother and needing a cuddle and your husband support is a given. It definitely doesn’t make you needy!

Unfortunately, husbands can be dicks sometimes, not intentionally, he’s probably not even given it a second thought. You’re strong you’ll cope. I would be absolutely ragging though and completely sympathise with you. The bloody idiot! He probably is genuinely sorry though.

Sorry for your loss. 💐

Sorry for your loss OP. I dont think you are wrong to feel how you do. As a pp said, the whole point of a relationship is you don't need to do the hard stuff alone surely.

I get that not everyone can take a day off work for an in law passing but from what you have said, being his own boss, he could easily have stayed if he wanted to. To go to the gym is horrible.

For context, when I lost my parent, my DH managed to leave work early and travel to be with me. Admittedly, it was a shit situation, my parent was pretty young but at the time we'd been together a year and weren't planning on marrying etc at that point. Yet he showed up for me and going through that in the early stages of our relationship has always meant I know I can rely on him which to me is what is a key fundamental aspect of a relationship.

I completely understand why you'd feel let down

But did you actually ask him to stay? That's what is key here

This is just another compatibility issue. I don’t think he did anything wrong per se - but that’s heavily influenced that I’m a carrying on as normal person who would hate a partner fussing around me in those circumstances.

It’s clearly not what you want though, which is fine. So definitely not unreasonable to divorce him, though even better would have been not to have married him in the first place. Which isn’t helpful now, but it’s probably something to bear in mind in future relationships- people don’t change and magically become the person you want, the person who will support you the way you want. Not unless they’re really willing to change and listen to what you ask for, and I think that’s very rare.

What’s the point of being in a marriage if they are not there for you at a time like this?

And that weird “gently” poster making out it’s normal to potter off to work the day your spouses parent just died wtaf.

I’m sorry for your loss. Just a thought, was he maybe scared about how to handle your grief and went to work because of this?

"He came home as usual and did not cook dinner, get a takeaway just went to bed early, and repeated our normal life."

That's not normal behaviour. There's no empathy there.

I'm so sorry about your Mum. Dementia is just awful.

I think that if you think he went to work because he chose to do something he would enjoy over dealing with you and your sadness then you have every right to leave him over it. Ignoring your pain because it's not much fun for him would be definite grounds for divorce imo

I had a similar thjbg when my eldest went missing for 5 days.partner went to work as usual while I was crying at home by myself.
I think that had it been the other way round then I would have stayed at home at least a day or so.

We did have a conversation about it when the police found him. But I had to deal with it all myself.

We have moved on but the feeling I had haven't gone away.

I would expect him to pick up extra responsibilities with the children and the household so that you are free to grieve unburdened by responsibilities. I wouldn’t expect him to sit next to you.

I suppose it’s a difference of what people need and how they process things. As much as I love my husband, I mostly wanted space when my mother died. His job was to take care of our child and to occasionally appear with food.

Given the context I don't think you're being unreasonable. His behaviour sounds uncaring. I recommend waiting 6 months or so before making any big decisions.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through OP, that’s awful. When we heard my partner’s father was dying, I left work immediately (with my boss’s blessing) and didn’t leave his side throughout the whole process, including sorting all the practicalities out afterwards. It wouldn’t have occurred to me not to be there. Surely when you love someone, you don’t leave them to deal with the most scary and painful experiences of life alone. I think your feelings are completely justified, but you don’t have to make any major decisions whilst you’re still dealing with such raw grief. Take your time and look after yourself. Sending my very best wishes to you.

@notknowledgeable

But that's irrelevant. Working for yourself has pros & cons. One of the pros is that you can make a decision to be home the day your wife has been away a week & her Mum has died. She was asking for that, not for him to be away with her for the week.

he didn't even take responsibility for their children, her best friend needed to do that.

@MrsQGinglass I'm sorry about your Mum, it's so hard. 🌷

Your DH has let you down enormously. Id be very hurt & angry and would feel like 'what's the point of you (him).

HOWEVER I don't think it's the right time to get divorced. You're too tired, too sad, too angry. And you MAY regret acting in haste.

tell him how hurt you are, how disappointed you are

Give yourself time, you don't need to decide now.

look after yourself
xx

Tbh I couldn't forgive ex for not being there when sibling and parent died so we could never have moved on. I would have always felt resentment.

Your circumstances might be completely different so have a careful think about it and if you can have a future together if you are good together generally.