To leave my husband, divorce him for his behaviour

[MrsQGinglass]

So not to drip feed, my husband is a very work focused and runs his own business with people that rely on him for wages.

My darling Mum died last year, she had early onset Dementia, we cared for her at home until it become too hard and we as a family, decided that we would place Mum into a very nice care home.

After a couple of months the care home informed us that they thought Mum was on the end of life pathway, IE she was going to pass away in the next few weeks/months. I could see that she was going downhill.

When Mum could not walk or talk anymore as she was too weak, I went into the care home every night.

The care home called and said that Mum has near the end, and it was a matter of hours. I rushed to the care home, and met my Dad who was with Mum.
My Mum had other ideas and lasted another 6 days as she was young her body did not give up. I never left her room and only slept for half an hour at a time.

When I finally got home after my Mum had died, my Husband had gone to fucking work, all I wanted was to be comforted and to be frank looked after.

I cant move past the fact that he went to work and thought it was ok, his best friends mum died and my husband was in tears that he had let his friend down as he did not go to his Mum's funeral but I am meant to suck it up as I know what he is like and how he cant let his workers down but he can let me down.

AIBU to want to feel like this and that I cant move om.

How long ago did this happen OP?

The way your husband acted was awful, no doubt about that. But don’t make any rash decisions whilst you’re still grieving your DM.

If this happened recently, then try to put your feelings about your husband to one side and focus on you and coming to terms with your grief. Revisit your marriage once some time has passed.

Take care x

Your husband didn't go to your mother's funeral? What?

So sorry about your lovely Mum. 💐.
I totally understand how you feel.
My DH is a workaholic & usually puts work before us but when my DD died, suddenly & at a very young age, I didn't get to the hospital in time but my DH left work when my brother rang him (I was too distraught) & came straight to the hospital to be with me. He spent all day with us at my DM's house & didn't go back into work & I wouldn't have expected less tbh.

On the other hand, my FIL said something to my Mum on the day my DD died, that was at best crass & tactless...I NEVER forgave him!

You are at your most vulnerable & how people treat you at this time is NEVER forgotten!

Horrified by some of the responses here. Makes me so incredibly grateful for my caring, supportive husband.
Im so sorry you didn’t get the support that you needed and deserved. I too would struggle to move past this. 💐

I feel like there's a lot of backstory here you're not telling us. Your relationship with your late DM sounds really intense (unhealthily so to be honest). I'd wager this is a significant element.

There has been some batshit answers on here.

Yours takes the biscuit.

My relationship with my DM sounds really intense from what I have posted?, if you think that from what I have posted then MN is really a parallel universe.

wtf am I reading? I’d absolutely stay by my mum’s bedside on her death bed. That’s not being “intense” just something you do so a loved one doesn’t die alone and I know my dh would definitely have made sure he was home to greet me with a hug! He may have gone to work after but likely would have gone in late, got home at a reasonable time and taken over dinner etc and been a listening ear.

I don’t think I’d leave your dh for those reasons but I would tell him how hurt I was and we’d need a heart to heart before moving on. Sorry for your loss op.

@Prober unhealthily intense? WTF is wrong with you?? Her mum was DYING. Fucking hell.

I've known many going through similar situations (and experienced it personally) and what you've described is pretty out of the norm (also your description is pretty over the top/dramatic). Does your DH resent the intense relationship you had with your mother? I'm just trying to say this might explain his reaction. Put yourself in his shoes.

@Prober what the OP is describing is completely normal given the circumstances. Honestly @Prober just stop posting.

Fuck me, are you really that thoughtless and cold.

Over the top? Dramatic? You do know that death is unplanned and sometimes does not follow a set pattern. I promised my Mum when she had her cognitive ability that I would be there until the end.

If you think that is an intense relationship, then I think you may have to do some soul searching.

Ignore @Prober OP, there are all sorts of weirdos on the internet and they clearly have their own issues.

Thank you, honestly I am shocked by some of the comments on here, and how little some people place of personal emotions.

How have you got that the OP had a too close, unhealthy relationship with her DM, because she was there for her so much in her final days??
Take no notice of this @MrsQGinglass It's absolutely bonkers and peak MN nonsense!
When my nan died, it was a similar situation with timelines, she was 67. Between us, we spent 4 days in the hospital at her bedside. I don't think in all that time my mum and dad went home for more than an hour to shower and change and not at all in the last 24 hours. I stayed too. My Grandad didn't leave at all, he stayed at her bedside.
It's what families do!
Note that I said my dad stayed with my mum the entire time. He took 2 weeks off work so he could be there to support my mum and help make the arrangements. And grieve himself, as he loved his MIL.
My DH is the same way. When a loved one dies we are there for one another completely.
I feel sorry for posters who don't think this is the norm. When a close, loved family member dies its like you are in another world. It's intense grief and heartbreak. It's when a family/partner should be there for each other to hold each other up.
If posters don't understand a close family or having a loving relationship with their own parents or partner, then that's very sad. But it's not the norm.

What the fuck is wrong with someone who can post that? do yourself a favour and swerve the thread if that's the sort of stuff coming out of your head.

I'm sorry OP, a significant bereavement needs support from your partner. Especially as it lands you on your arse. I think I would struggle to get over it, it would make me look at him very differently.

You need to have it out or it'll fester.

Thank you I think your post sums up my thoughts.

We are just a loving family, I would pop over to my Mum and Dad's house once/twice a week.

We were lucky as the care home, gave us a room that had a bed and private bathroom and the chefs would make us food, we just had to ring down to the kitchens. I know that all of this enabled us to stay with Mum.

I can't believe anyone's takeaway from the OP is that her relationship with her DM must have been intense.
Having a parent with dementia is intense though - in all the ways you don't want, it's fucking awful. My Dad has late stage Alzheimers and it's pretty intense having to manage his money / try and stop him from urinating by trees in view of other people if we're out on a walk / making sure he puts his underwear under his clothes instead of on top etc etc etc.
I can only imagine what you have been through OP and wanting a partner there to make you a brew when you get home after their death is the lowest of bars.

Oh OP, I'm sorry for the loss of your mum and I'm sorry that your DH was thoughtless about being there for you 💐

My dad died on Christmas day. It was sudden so I didn't get the chance to stay by his side (I absolutely would have had I had that opportunity, I don't think there's anything intense about that!). My DH works retail so he was supposed to be working boxing day but he immediately got in touch with his boss to find cover, I didn't even have to ask him. He was able to have 5 days of bereavement leave too. I would have been devastated had he gone to work as if nothing had happened.

I would personally have a chat with DH about how upset and hurt you were at his lack of comfort, especially if he's normally a decent bloke otherwise. But of course if you think that you're unable to get past this, you wouldn't be unreasonable to leave him for whatever reason you see fit.

You've said he's selfish, yet you walked away from your family for 6 days. I know you wanted to be with your mum, but 6 whole days was extreme, given you barely slept during that time.
I think some people might consider that was selfish of you.
Did your dad not get any time with your mum without out?
Most people would have gone every day.

Really?? How bizarre. Can't get over this sort of thinking. But then I love my parents in law they are lovely people and I've known them for 25 years and counting.

Yeah fuck that he sounds like an awful horrible twat. Does he care about you at all? 100% leave him and financially take him to the cleaners. Twat.

OP, I am sorry for your loss.

I think the issue is that you did not include all the relevant information in your first post which is perhaps why some posters are being incredibly harsh in their responses. From your subsequent posts it is clear that:

Your husband works flexibly, and does take time off for his hobbies
He left you alone that morning to have breakfast with his friends
He then went to the gym after work and did not spend any time with you that evening
He said he basically knowingly did not provide you with any support because he thought you were "strong enough" to handle it

With the above information it is safe to say he has been incredibly cruel, and I'm assuming in your case this is the straw that broke the camel's back. I would be just as furious as you OP. Feel your anger and your sadness, but try and put it to one side for the moment to focus on your family as the next few weeks will be very difficult.

And then let yourself be angry with him. In your shoes I would absolutely be reevaluating my relationship, as his behaviour is appalling.

What a bizarre post. She did not walk away from her family, she went to her dying mother's bedside. Believe it or not, people do not die to a timetable. What is wrong with you?

thats an awful post

Yes op took 6 days out of life to be with her mum in her final days and support her dad… her mum And dad didn’t stop being her family when she got married . In fact her husband joined her family and op joined his imo.

she has older teenagers and an adult husband who are capable of looking after themselves … so much so that her ‘D’H took himself off for breakfast with his work colleagues instead of staying home to give his wife a cuddle and sympathise with her for following a traumatic few days and also her loss. He thought this was perfectly fine to do, even though he’s the boss and didn’t have to be there. ops mum had just died and he left her to go for breakfast.

op I would struggle to get past this behaviour… if your life partner is not there to catch you when you’re struggling then I’d prefer to be alone.

It’s hardly as simple as that. When someone is identified as nearing the end of life, it may be 6 hours, 12 hours , 2 days or a week before they die. So with that comes the fear that if you go home for a shower/ sleep that your loved one will die without you there/ alone. There are no exact timeframes. When there are a number of relatives, yes people tend to take it in turns to go home and rest but if there is only you and your other parent, it’s not just about being with the dying person, it’s about being there for each other as well. I’m sure ops husband and children managed just fine without her. Unless he is incapable of parenting.