To leave my husband, divorce him for his behaviour

[MrsQGinglass]

So not to drip feed, my husband is a very work focused and runs his own business with people that rely on him for wages.

My darling Mum died last year, she had early onset Dementia, we cared for her at home until it become too hard and we as a family, decided that we would place Mum into a very nice care home.

After a couple of months the care home informed us that they thought Mum was on the end of life pathway, IE she was going to pass away in the next few weeks/months. I could see that she was going downhill.

When Mum could not walk or talk anymore as she was too weak, I went into the care home every night.

The care home called and said that Mum has near the end, and it was a matter of hours. I rushed to the care home, and met my Dad who was with Mum.
My Mum had other ideas and lasted another 6 days as she was young her body did not give up. I never left her room and only slept for half an hour at a time.

When I finally got home after my Mum had died, my Husband had gone to fucking work, all I wanted was to be comforted and to be frank looked after.

I cant move past the fact that he went to work and thought it was ok, his best friends mum died and my husband was in tears that he had let his friend down as he did not go to his Mum's funeral but I am meant to suck it up as I know what he is like and how he cant let his workers down but he can let me down.

AIBU to want to feel like this and that I cant move om.

OP, there's way too much information missing here for anyone to form a real opinion. When you say last year? How long ago are we talking?

It seems extreme that you're on a forum talking about divorce over a single incident rather than talk to your husband about how you feel so I'm assuming (since we're still early in the year) that it's recent and you're still acutely grieving?

We don't know anything about what your husband is like in general, how much communication you had with him while you're mum was dying and when you were expected home.

On the face of it, it does seem insensitive to just go to work without at least making sure you're ok- assuming he knew you were coming home that day. But some people deal with these situations differently. Is he just an insensitive person in general?

The fact is, you need to speak to HIM about this, not us. Tell him how it made you feel and what you'd like from him in the future in terms of considering your feelings. You can't expect him to be a mind-reader and always pre-empt what level of emotional support you need. Sometimes (and with some people) you need to be clear about your needs.

I definitely feel like there's more going on with your marriage that just this. It feels like this might be the straw that broke the camels back and you've felt abandoned and let down before now.

Yes the OP is selfish for wanting to be with her Mum as she died and support her Dad.
The Mum is selfish for not dying sooner and to a more convenient schedule.

The husband carrying on his normal activities when his partner is emotionally and physically drained and her heart is breaking is absolutely fine though.

She didn't walk out on her family for 6 days like it was an all inclusive to Cancun

Just to add to my last comment, there are some fucking insane responses on here about the fact that someone would spend 6 days by the bedside of a dying parent who could pass at any time. Of course you would!! Some might not, and that's fine, everyone deals with death and grieving differently but there is absolutely nothing abnormal about someone who does.

Also, leaving a husband and GROWN children for 6 days when a parent is dying is not unreasonable.

Absolutely none of these details in the post can be used to draw ANY conclusions about the OP's relationship with her mother.

Yes, his behaviour in not supporting you after your Mum's death was appalling. It sounds like the last straw though - he has always been selfish and hasn't ever supported you emotionally. You just expected (with good reason) that when you were at your lowest, he'd come through and he has shown you he won't. It sounds like he sees you as HIS support person and he shouldn't/won't/doesn't want to give anything back.

Fuck me.

I am being unreasonable for wanting to be with my Mum when she died because I promised her while she was alive.

I am being unreasonable to be there the whole time and should have left my Dad, even though he wanted me there.

I am being unreasonable to be near adult kids because I left them at home, with a fridge full of food, plus supermarket deliveries with treats, Credit cards for uber eats, and their DAD, at home the whole time, unless he came to the care home to visit his MIL and bring his children to visit their Grandma.

I am being unreasonable to believe the Care and hospice staff when they informed me that she had hours left.

My Mum was so UNREASONABLE that she took 6 days to pass away.

This is peak batshit Mumsnet, it has actually made me laugh that there is so many idiots on the internet on a Friday afternoon.

@stitchy I am so sorry to hear about your Dad, I think that people think Dementia is just being a little bit forgetful, and being part of very old age. It can rob someone of every memory including how to swallow like my Mum.

If you ever need some help please message me.

I’m sorry you lost your Mum.

My husband went to work the day I lost mine (early hours too), in all truth I didn’t expect him not to. Maybe (gently) you should have let your husband know you wanted him there.

My DH (who was very close to his Dad) went to work on the actual day his Dad passed.Said he needed to!

That is what your husband wanted to do, and I think what you need is the best for you.

I wanted my husband to wait at home and spend time with me, he went to work.

Op lost her mum too early after a devastating illness. She knew she was dying and chose to be with her as much as possible before the inevitable happened. This is not ‘intense’ or justification for her husband to behave in a heartless manner, it’s perfectly normal behaviour between a daughter and her dying mother. It’s very sad that you are unable to empathise.

Op I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my dm just over a year ago after a short illness. We didn’t know she was dying but we knew that she was poorly so I spent as much time as possible ferrying her to appointments and staying with her at weekends to keep her company. Dh could not have been more supportive. He picked up the slack at home and with the kids so I could be with her and when she died suddenly he took two weeks off with me and didn’t return to work full time until I went back. Your dh was cruel and unkind at a time when you needed his support and care. I’m not sure I could forgive that either. I hope that you’re doing well now.

I think you knowing your husband should have clearly laid out that you needed and expected him to be home.

You say his a workaholic and a bit selfish so you couldn’t shouldn’t have expected much else from him tbh. Your mad that he didn’t do something your likely knew he wasn’t going to do based on who he is.

I don’t think his in the wrong for going to work or just carrying on as normal. Some times that’s what people need even when it’s their own family members who have died. If you want something clearly explain and ask/demand it. Not just a I’ll be home around 8am see you. I’ll be home 8am can you clear your day, I need you.

Christ, some pp have low standards for their partners. Of course he should have stayed home! To meet his friends for breakfast then go to the gym after work is unforgivable.
He sounds like a selfish prick, no wonder you want to divorce him.

I would be upset in your position, and you should talk to your husband about it. But I do suspect that all the anger, upset and grief you feel at the loss of your mum so painfully and so horribly early is being channeled towards your husband and this specific incident.

When something cruel and awful like this happens to us, there is nothing and nobody to rage at. It's just the universe treating us like shit and short of screaming at the sky we can't rage at the universe. So we often redirect those feelings to something or someone tangible we can grasp onto.

You are understandably deep in grief not just for the loss of your mother but because of the awful experience leading up to it all, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you can work through those feelings - although grief never really leaves us, the life we live around it grows and moves on - and talk to your husband about the support you need, and that he responds compassionately.

I could not leave my DP to deal with something g so momentous on his own. Truly.

He was very insensitive, especially re going in for breakfast & going to the gym - but is he the type of person who needs telling? (either because he is completely clueless or because he just was not sure how to deal with you)

People do deal with grief in very different ways

Some would want to be left completely alone to process it in their own time and space, and try and get some sleep with him out of the way

Some would desperately need him to hold them as soon as they got home and look after them for a few days, listen to whatever they needed to talk about

Neither way is wrong, but unless you specifically told him what you needed, he may not have been a twat completely on purpose
He does need to understand now though, apologise and try and communicate better and prioritise you more

Only you can decide if his behaviour was malicious and deserving of divorce, or clueless and worth working on the relationship

So sorry about your Mum 💐

Bloody hell some people have no standards for their partners at all. When you have the flexibility to do so (i.e. not a job where time off is life or death) then if someone close to your spouse dies you at least ask them if they would prefer company etc. This is a guy who works for himself and happily takes time off for hobbies...asking what his wife needed was the bare minimum.

You do not fuck off to work without even giving them a hug, go to the gym, come home and act like nothing has happened. Christ.

It's also not weird, intense or selfish to try to be with a loved one when they die, assuming that is what they wanted.

I’d also want to divorce my DH if he behaved like that after I’d lost a parent! He has let you down badly and refuses to acknowledge how you feel. What is the point of being married to him if he doesn’t support you or comfort you in any way during one of the worst times of your life?

Do you think this is the straw that broke the camels back? Sending a big hug

Nothing intense about it!

I actually think fucking off to work when your mum has just died is pretty awful. I can see from the pp here that lots of people don't think that way and that's of course fine. It's been hurtful for you and and that's valid. It seems this has been one of those penny drop moments for you though-and once those have happened it's hard to reverse how it makes you feel.

Of course you're not unreasonable!

She was your mom and you had to be with her on her last days, most families would do that.

I guess you're the most disappointed because your DH seems to be so considerate and caring with his friends and not with you. He didn't even waited for you to come home.

In my opinion he had to at least talk to you, hug you and ask you if you needed support that day, to confirm that you could cope with all those feelings; after all, your mother was still youngish. He could have offered to help with the funeral arrangements or so.

I wouldn't divorce over this alone, but if this is a recurring issue where he puts you last and you feel you can never count on him, then that could be a deal breaker.

Hope you're feeling better now 🤗.

@CarrotyO that exact thing happened to me and was the end of things with an ex partner too. There is something about feeling at your most vulnerable and the person who should be there not being that is very clarifying-and that goes for op too.

Hi @MrsQGinglass I'm so sorry you lost your mum and esp at such a young age. How terrible.

Your DH was complerely unsupportive and uncaring - thought you were strong, means what exactly? Your mum died fgs.

YANU to want to divorce him and can start that process whenever you're ready. But pls take time to grieve your loss, then review what's happened. At least then, in and amongst the grief, you're not dealing with the difficulty of divorce.

Sending a big hug and best wishes your way xxx

Had to stop reading the comments cos it makes me nauseated how vile people are.

OP you're not unreasonable. Your husband is fantastically selfish to the point of being cruel. I think it's perfectly normal to feel as you do & yes, for me, this would be a deal breaker cos I know I'd never forgive him or stop being hurt. It's repulsive behaviour.

What's the point in being married if you're not there for each other at horrible times like this? I've no idea what kind of loveless, cynical relationships some of the PP are in but it sounds miserable to me.

Just to update you for those that are interested.

My Mum died last June, so I have had these feelings for a long time.

I have sat down with my husband and explained how I am feeling and that my resentment of him has been growing and that even though I know that he loves me and usually supportive, his actions on the day I came home were cruel.

My husband explained that because I was coping and seemed like I was being strong, and still from the care home making sure everything was running as normal at home, he thought that I had it covered. He explained that if I was not coping he would have been with me at the care home but he thought that everything was ok (knows my mum was in her last days) but I didn't need any help!!

I also asked if he thought my relationship with my Mum was intense as a PP said and he was like of course not, you have to do what you need to do, he also said that he carried on like normal as that is what he had to do, but know I have explained what I needed he will take that all on board and think better next time.

He is also said that I have always been so independent and not relied on him, that I would just be like I normally am, I suppose that I have always done everything so that he can run his business , I also work full time although I dont need to he just thinks I can do anything because I am so strong.

I have booked in some therapy so that I can process everything that has happened.

It seems being strong can sometimes shot you in the foot