To leave my husband, divorce him for his behaviour

[MrsQGinglass]

So not to drip feed, my husband is a very work focused and runs his own business with people that rely on him for wages.

My darling Mum died last year, she had early onset Dementia, we cared for her at home until it become too hard and we as a family, decided that we would place Mum into a very nice care home.

After a couple of months the care home informed us that they thought Mum was on the end of life pathway, IE she was going to pass away in the next few weeks/months. I could see that she was going downhill.

When Mum could not walk or talk anymore as she was too weak, I went into the care home every night.

The care home called and said that Mum has near the end, and it was a matter of hours. I rushed to the care home, and met my Dad who was with Mum.
My Mum had other ideas and lasted another 6 days as she was young her body did not give up. I never left her room and only slept for half an hour at a time.

When I finally got home after my Mum had died, my Husband had gone to fucking work, all I wanted was to be comforted and to be frank looked after.

I cant move past the fact that he went to work and thought it was ok, his best friends mum died and my husband was in tears that he had let his friend down as he did not go to his Mum's funeral but I am meant to suck it up as I know what he is like and how he cant let his workers down but he can let me down.

AIBU to want to feel like this and that I cant move om.

My dad is pretty crap when it comes to offering emotional support. But I remember when my grandma died (maternal). My mum got the call in my middle of the night, so my dad didn’t know, he went to work the next morning like normal. I convinced my mum to let him know. As soon as he found out he came home from work to be with her. (He was also the boss of a company)

all that to say that your husband acted wrong, he should have been there for you. It’s up to you whether you can move past it and forgive him or not.

Sorry to hear about your mum. Did you ask your dh to take the day off work to spend with you? I Your dh maybe assumed you would want to rest/ go to bed after spending so much time at the home and having no sleep. So he went to work out of the way, leaving you a nice quiet house to come back to. I don’t think he has done anything wrong really, he has just misjudged what you want from him while you’re grieving.

Very sorry to hear about your mum.

How was your husband when he came home from work - did he support you then?

In his shoes I would have assumed that you'd be exhausted and just wanted to sleep, but I am hoping that he would have focused you and your needs in the evening. Cooked dinner/ordered takeout and talked to you about what you've just been through.

Thank you for all your comments I am taking them all on board.

To answer or make some further points.

My Mum died at 3.30am.
Money is not an issue, he runs a very successful business.
He has people that can run the business, without him for a month let alone half a day/day.
Husband takes out time for the business whenever he wants for his hobby/day off/holiday.
I feel like he always puts himself first , does what he wants and I just have to put up with it, He is known to be selfish.

With that information. 100% an arse.

You do need to talk with your partner as everyone deals with death in a very different way.
I went to work as usual when my dm passed as I’d already spent many days with her in hospital and no one could tell me her life expectancy. I also lived 8 hours away.
Death is very personal and no one option fits everyone.
Sorry for your loss 💐

As it's a pattern of being a selfish arse I think this makes it problematic.

I left my first husband in part because of how unsupportive he was when my mum was ill. There were other issues but that was the first time it really hit me how self absorbed he was. I stayed for another year but never forgave him, relationship was dead after that.

Na that's shitty he should've been there for you.

I have spoken to my husband, and told him how let down I am, and his answer was that he thought I was strong and could cope. I was only strong as my Dad was in pieces.

He came home as usual and did not cook dinner, get a takeaway just went to bed early, and repeated our normal life.

I think YANBU if he's generally selfish and doesn't take you and your feelings into consideration, but I can't really see what he did wrong in going to work. You say your DM died at 3.30am. Did he know she'd died and that you were coming home when you did? Maybe he thought you'd stay with your Dad, be busy making arrangements, or that you'd just come home and go to bed after so many days of no sleep? If so, that wouldn't be an unreasonable assumption.

He knew that she had died as I called him, once I had told my brother, my mums siblings, but waited until 5.30am so not to wake him up too early.

He knew I was coming home, and that my Dad wanted to go home and be by himself.

I think its the fact that it feels like he could not be bothered and always puts other people first and himself, I have asked him to go to couples therapy but he wont as he thinks he did nothing wrong and I should know what he is like, this has hit home of how selfish he is,

You want to divorce him for that one thing? There is nothing else, just that he is a workaholic? Your mum died relatively young, it must have been awful for you and he should have taken a day off when he knew you would be coming back. It is something you should tell him about and by all means be direct…

All these assumptions - he didn’t need to assume he could have asked couldn’t he? He could even assumed that he should be at home with flowers and a nice meal ready. My employer has been excellent around personal time off for my MIL and FIL when they were dying allowing me several days off before either of them either died. So I don’t buy this idea that no one ever takes time off for these situations. He sounds cold and unfeeling to me.

All these assumptions - he didn’t need to assume he could have asked couldn’t he?

Yes, that's true. He really should have asked you whether you wanted him to stay at home or whether you wanted to be alone - that's what a caring person would've done. Personally, I'd have wanted to be alone and I'd have told my DH to go to work! But we're all different.

From your subsequent posts it seems this is not a one off incident, but more like the straw that broke the camels back. You do not appear to be a priority to him, and this particular incident has really highlighted that. I think in your position I would be seriously be reconsidering my marriage. The fact that he just gave you the brush off when you explained you were upset says it all. He's not interested in your feelings. I'm so sorry. This must hurt so much when you've just lost someone so close who did care about you, to then realise that someone who's supposed to care about you clearly doesn't. Go and give your dad a big hug. And I guess you could see if DH is willing to try marriage counselling, but he doesn't sound like the sort to agree.

Why was he at work at 3:30am? It's a very odd time to be working.

My ex partner wasn't there for me when I had a miscarriage and it was the end of our relationship very shortly afterwards. It became very real for me at that point how he wasn't what I needed from a partner and I couldn't forgive him. Never regretted it.

The one thing is he knows me, or he should as I am married to him. That I would want him to be there for me. Maybe that makes me needy.

I said to him, I would be home around 8am, and I would see him then, I got home and he was not there, I could not sleep as I was so upset.

I called his office and his PA answered he was down the cafe having breakfast with his friends that all meet up every morning, if it had been a meeting I could understand, he also went to the gym on the way home.

Where did I say that he was at work at 3.30am, he was in bed asleep I rang him at 5.30am so that I did not wake him up to early.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Sadly hubbys mum passed last year from cancer and his work believe it or not expected him to go in the next day. He had to take holiday days off 2 after she passed and 2 funeral day and one after. Sadly for us if he took days unpaid we would very quickly end up in a hole. I can see where your coming from but men are also very different with grief. My grandads funeral was 2 days ago and until that my mum was managing by being busy sorting everything and dad worked as normal. Since the funeral she's gone to pieces but luckily my dad is self employed so can take this week off to support her but he will have to still catch up next week.

I am sorry for your loss, I hope that you have found someone worthy to be your partner.

OP it sounds like he could have been there for you and would take time off work for something that was important for him, but he did not prioritize you. I'm not surprised you're upset and have had enough of his behaviour

Several things you said remind me of my ex-husband.

The point of being in a relationship is you don't have to go through things alone.

I was always quite independent and proud I could carry emotional traumas without his support.

I'm in a relationship now and my partner is incredibly supportive. It's honestly been an adjustment. My default is to process and deal alone. He reminds me often that he is there so I don't have to.

You deserve better. 💐

Has he always been such an insensitive bastard?
I cannot believe he wouldn't have waited at home for you.