Useless at looking after my children on my own

[Grapeyexpectations]

Husband away on extended work trip. Children aged 4 and 7. Work full time. Only 4 days in of 3 weeks and I'm absolutely shattered.

Our days go like this:
5.40am get up, feed and take out dogs. Shower, pack school and work bags, make breakfast, get children up and dressed, have breakfast.
6.45am leave for school
8.00am work until 4.30pm, break of about 30 minutes at lunchtime
4.30pm pick up children, calm fraught nerves and tears (miss their dad)
5.45pm arrive home. Unpack bags, make dinner, feed and clean cats, have dinner with children, make packed lunches and organise clothes for morning, clean kitchen, take out dogs.
8pm bedtime routine and reading
9pm children bedtime. I fall asleep with them.

Why is this so hard? I'm already short tempered and feel like I'm failing my children.

Thank you for clarifying and I'm glad the dogs usually have DH for company during the day! Sounds like you just have to tough it out until he gets back. Countdown calendar is a good suggestion, and if time difference doesn't allow DH to read a bedtime story maybe he can record himself reading some of their favourites (he can download kindle versions on his phone to read and the DC can follow along in their own copy). As for dinner I'd make a big batch of pasta sauce at the weekend, and a big batch of soup, and leave everything set up for dinner when you leave in the morning so that you can feed the DC 15 minutes after you get in. Table laid, frozen sauce/soup defrosting in pan on hob, etc. Hopefully that will help you bring bedtime forward.

Spending 2.5 hours after work doing the dinner and getting some clothes out seems a lot.
Time to have a week of "kiddy teas". The "bung it in the oven, beige and carby" variety. The kids will love it, and you'll claim some time back.

Also, leaving the house at 6:45! Blimey. I'm a primary school teacher as well, and my alarm doesn't even go off until 6:30!

Op that sounds brutal. I’ve had time when DH is away and I find it hard, and our routine is nothing like as challenging as yours.

Presumably the kids coming with you is the same whether DH is there or not. So what is his part in your household routine? I assume he deals with the dogs and does he normally cook and clean? Of course I assume he shares the bedtime routine which makes a huge difference.

I echo what everyone else says, make life easy for yourself. A mix of easy oven ready dinners and batch cooked meals. Making shepherds pie and homemade soup on a weekday you’re alone is madness. Make double on a weekend or when DH is home and then have a load of meals in the freezer for when you’re by yourself.

Good luck

Before you move (😂) this may help. When the children were young I used to spend a little time cooking at the weekend with them. I did 4 evening meals in 4 pots. (eg Lentils and sausage, stew, lemon chicken with barley, bean and kale stew etc). They loved measuring, chopping etc.

This is the good bit - I put each pot in the freezer. In the mornings, the pot goes on the aga, it defrosts over the course of the day, I come home, heat it up and have zero faff. Absolutely zero.

It was transformative for our weeknights.

Whilst DH is away I’d be doing no cooking in the evening, batch cook a cottage pie/curry etc on the weekend and just reheat during the week, Friday night have a takeaway.

Kids really need more sleep if they are getting up around 6 they should be asleep by 8. Let them read in bed/listen to audiobooks (alone) whilst they adjust to an earlier bed time. Take an hour in the evening (8-9) to yourself (no chores) just chill have a bath, do a sleep meditation, warm drink, you’ll feel so much less burnt out.

When DH is away can you arrange a paid baby sitter/family member to have the kids for 1/2 day on the weekend so you can have a full break - again don’t fill it with chores!

I felt the same that I couldn’t manage looking after my dc on my own (both are autistic) I then had a total breakdown and dh had to give up work . Things are so much better now and I no longer feel like I’m failing the dc . I know it’s different to your situation but I really understand the feeling of just believing you are failing others it’s so upsetting

When my DH travels, which is relatively frequently, the kids and I eat out quite a bit. I find this really helpful in terms of novelty and spending quality time together. It doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive (sometimes it’s Ikea meatballs, sometimes McD, and other times a bit more upmarket), the point being that it changes the dynamic.

we also have lots of really easy go to midweek meals that are either batch cooked, or quick, such as spag Bol, curries, or egg fried rice, griddled chicken fajitas, dhal, or things that go in the air fryer.

you mention a child who you feel has become over reliant on processed food and is vegetarian. It’s interesting that you feel that’s not your choice (is it your DH’s?) - I’d worry about protein intake, I worry about it with my own kids and I know that would be hard for them to achieve on a meat free diet. If this is a child led choice I would question it as at 4 and 7 whilst I agree they can have views on animal welfare they can’t make informed views about nutrition and what a balanced diet for them looks like. I have one child who may very well become vegetarian as an adult but another who couldn’t easily as he currently doesn’t eat enough of a range of high protein foods that don’t contain meat.

I agree with other posters that your day sounds really long, and I’d be interested in what’s driving your long commute full stop as that just wouldn’t work for me. And it kind of depends on your husbands travel profile - 3 weeks is a long time, anything over a week I find tough, and if 3 weeks were going to be regular I would really need to consider some long term changes.