Useless at looking after my children on my own

[Grapeyexpectations]

Husband away on extended work trip. Children aged 4 and 7. Work full time. Only 4 days in of 3 weeks and I'm absolutely shattered.

Our days go like this:
5.40am get up, feed and take out dogs. Shower, pack school and work bags, make breakfast, get children up and dressed, have breakfast.
6.45am leave for school
8.00am work until 4.30pm, break of about 30 minutes at lunchtime
4.30pm pick up children, calm fraught nerves and tears (miss their dad)
5.45pm arrive home. Unpack bags, make dinner, feed and clean cats, have dinner with children, make packed lunches and organise clothes for morning, clean kitchen, take out dogs.
8pm bedtime routine and reading
9pm children bedtime. I fall asleep with them.

Why is this so hard? I'm already short tempered and feel like I'm failing my children.

Plenty of kids have an hour's commute if they go to an independent school, a school near parent's work, a workplace nursery,, etc esp if on public transport. The kids are fine, they probably read or listen to stories and are tucked up warm and dry in a car.

The point is OP is worn out solo parenting for quite a long time - I do it regularly and don't know how single parents do it. It can be so hard. Give yourself a break, use whatever cheats you can afford and try to find moments of cuddles and games that make it worthwhile.

It's no surprise that you're tired during this period of being a lone parent who works full time. Thankfully it's only for 3 weeks so you don't need to think about making permanent changes like you would have to if this was your life.

A couple of things stood out to me.

There are over 3 hours between when you arrive home and when the kids go to sleep. Try and find a way to shorten that. Easy, quick meals (as has been suggested). And does the "bedtime routine" really need to take a whole hour?

Also, 5:45 is on the early side to have to get up, but not out of the ordinary. (I did it for many years myself.) But if you're going to sleep at 9pm you're getting nearly 9 hours sleep! I know you're tired, but do you really need that much? If you can take a little time for yourself to relax after the kids are in bed that would do you a world of good. If you go to sleep at 10 you would still get almost 8 hours sleep.

Well it just doesn’t work with only one adult does it? It’s not that you’re useless and it’s reasonable that you’re shattered.

My immediate thoughts were that the commute is too long and the kids bedtime is too late but you are clear the commute can’t change and you are aware the kids bed time is late.

I agree with this.

I wouldn't want to waste 2 hours plus of my day 5 days a week driving. It's adds up to so much wasted time that could be spent doing so many other, more enjoyable, things.

Having a shorter commute for you and your children would transform your lives.

Plenty of kids have an hour's commute if they go to an independent school, a school near parent's work, a workplace nursery,, etc esp if on public transport. The kids are fine, they probably read or listen to stories and are tucked up warm and dry in a car.

I don't know any 4 year old who has a day like OP describes. Up at 6.30, an hour in the car, a fifteen minute walk, a full day at school until 4.30, the same journey home and not getting to bed until 9pm. That's extreme.

OP, little tips and tricks can’t help you. Your life needs big changes and since you’re posting here I think you know it.

Your rural lifestyle is insane. You need to move - this isn’t getting any easier. In fact as your DC grow it’s only going to get much much harder until they can drive

you don’t need dogs, good lord. You have a neighbour that’s around, that’s enough security. It’s not fair on the animals either. Give away/euthanise.

you need a more flexible job if your DH travels for work. Teaching will drain your soul for little reward

That’s a tad dramatic when her dh is only away for 3 weeks 😂

I think OP probs should make some changes long term in relation to the children’s bedtimes, but I think she’s had a bit of a hard time here as I don’t know if people have grasped that this is a temporary situation.

Well done OP, you’ve got through the first working week, this time next week you’ll have most of it behind you!

Unless he’s planning to become a hermit (it sounds like they’re in the right location) presumably he will travel again/need to tend to family/get sick/abandon them at some point.

Definitely look at the food
If you do a mix of
Batch cook
Easy food - stuff like frozen mash, frozen veg etc and more assembling than cooking
A picnic tea - veg sticks, pitta, hummus, fruit, anything cut up. Call it a grazing board

@Lifebeganat50 thanks 😊

@HiddenPies so now I have to change job, change schools, and KILL the dogs, not that it matters as my husband will 'abandon' us in the end anyway. Bravo, that is hilarious 😂

Would it help to hear that within the parameters of reality I don’t think there are particularly any changes you can make other than the food tweaks, and it sounds like you’re doing brilliantly? And you’ve just got to get on and do it, which you are, so just keep buggering on?

That sounds HARD. Sometimes just getting through each day is all we can hope for.

I think you’re doing brilliantly juggling all that 🍷

I think OP probs should make some changes long term in relation to the children’s bedtimes, but I think she’s had a bit of a hard time here as I don’t know if people have grasped that this is a temporary situation.

Except most of it isn't temporary OP's children attend the school she works at, so they have that commute and that long day all the time. The only temporary bit is the dogs are now alone all day as her DH normally works from home - which is why people suggested kennels until he gets back.

Do you live out in the sticks in the Highlands or something like that?

People aren’t trying to spite you OP, they’re concerned for your children who sound exhausted, in particular the 4year old.

Sleep isn’t a ‘nice to have’ it’s an essential for growth, emotional regulation and memory. From what you’ve mentioned - a reliance on quick processed food (although I appreciate you’ve tried to combat this), kids falling asleep in the car, teary fractious behaviour, a 6.30am alarm call - it’s clear your routine is just too much for them and is affecting their health and behaviour.

Sometimes it takes other people pointing out a routine that seems normal, isn’t normal and needs changing like when my mother in law phoned to ask why the hell I was spending 2 hours getting DS to sleep every night and no wonder I was shattered.

There’s clearly some odd factors at play here which you’re unwilling to discuss, but I would have a long hard think about your quality of life and whether it’s fair to inflict this routine on your kids for the sake of your career/rural living/private education/whatever else.

I agree that most of the problems aren't temporary. Your DH being away has highlighted the non temporary stuff that you're tolerating all the time (and your kids).

@Naptrappedmummy The 'teary fractious behaviour' is a 4 year old who misses their daddy. The 'reliance on processed foods' is homemade cottage pie, homemade soup, sugar-free yoghurt, fruit, porridge, milk and water etc. Yes my kid falls asleep in the car. There aren't 'odd factors', I'm just unwilling to give precise details of location etc to strangers on the Internet.
Yes they are tired and yes I'm going to work on bringing their bedtime forward but please don’t tell me I'm making my children sick for the sake of my selfish ideals (for that is what it boils down to).

My DSIL is a headteacher and has had to commute for over an hour with DN since she was a baby. DN is used to it and it doesn't phase her.

There isn't a lot you can do while DH is away but k strongly recommend meal prepping. I spend a day a month meal prepping with DH. We make meals for the freezer and in between. We put the meals in foil takeaway type containers. Stick them in the fridge the day before to defrost then its oven to table in 20 minutes. When we haven't prepared we defrost for 30 minute at room temp then either oven bake or tip out and microwave depending on the time we have.

Get the kids to pack the bags and do lunch with you. They can help get breakfast out the night before while you wash up or prep tomorrows food....batch cook.

Do you need to stand with the dogs? That's 5 mins you could put lunch together. Make sure kids are returning stuff to bags when used....like reading book and logs.

She said upthread she needs to stand with the dogs because their garden isn't secure and they'll escape.

I can understand not wanting to downgrade the family food when it's been a fight to get it to here, and can see why your timings can't change. So maybe rather than looking at the whole thing you could target bits of it. One of the big things seems to be how long dinner takes.

For next week could you cook some things up at the weekend for the week ahead (maybe the kids could help - could be fun) ?

Soup would do well batch cooked, pasta sauce, veggie chilli, veggie curry etc.

Then the odd "quick night" could be omelettes or something like that that's still freshly cooked and not processed but would cook up really quickly? Serve with beans and/or toast for carbs, or some new potatoes would cook in 20 mins?

Or a fried rice/biryani style thing where the rice is cooked the day before whilst you're making that dinner, then the whole thing could be thrown together in less than 20 mins. Throw in any veg you fancy then paneer/tofu/beans for protein.

Is your DH able to call home? I wonder if your 4 yr old might benefit from him reading her a bedtime story over zoom/WhatsApp if that's possible? Or if timings don't work he could record himself doing it for her to watch later.

Most importantly don't beat yourself up. You're doing the best you can in a trying set of circumstances. Try to have some fun together at the weekend and set yourselves up as best you can for the week ahead.

@HiddenPies
She needs to move house and kill the dogs? WTAF 😂

A gate in the garden sounds like the first place to start. That way the dogs can roam freely yet securely. Surely in the summer they like to potter about, lie in sun/shade and generally do what dogs do without being stood and watched the whole time?

You’re getting some quite, um, strong responses here OP. I think you’re finding it hard just because it’s hard. My day looks similar to yours when DH is away - except for getting up an hour later in the morning and the kids in bed half an hour earlier at night…and my DH only works away a few days at a time. And I still find it exhausting! So it seems normal to me that you’re tired and cross when you’re doing 90 mins more a day than me for several weeks.

All I can suggest is batch cooking pasta sauces etc and a night or two each week of omelette or beans on toast. And making sure you have time to decompress when your DH is back.