Useless at looking after my children on my own

[Grapeyexpectations]

Husband away on extended work trip. Children aged 4 and 7. Work full time. Only 4 days in of 3 weeks and I'm absolutely shattered.

Our days go like this:
5.40am get up, feed and take out dogs. Shower, pack school and work bags, make breakfast, get children up and dressed, have breakfast.
6.45am leave for school
8.00am work until 4.30pm, break of about 30 minutes at lunchtime
4.30pm pick up children, calm fraught nerves and tears (miss their dad)
5.45pm arrive home. Unpack bags, make dinner, feed and clean cats, have dinner with children, make packed lunches and organise clothes for morning, clean kitchen, take out dogs.
8pm bedtime routine and reading
9pm children bedtime. I fall asleep with them.

Why is this so hard? I'm already short tempered and feel like I'm failing my children.

My husband travels regularly for work though I only have one DS who is in preschool.

You can’t keep up your normal routine without the other parent for more than a few days (assuming that they aren’t a waste of space). You have to cut corners. Lay out clothes for the week not just the night before if you have enough. Eat ready meals, curries, tortellini, oven pizza, pb&j sandwiches. Kitchen done every other night. Get a babysitter/friend to take the kids for two hours at some point over the weekend then prep for the coming week.

But honestly I don’t think I could manage it with as much commuting as you do.

The issue is the huge commute, longer term could you work closer?

Also don’t underestimate h the novelty of porridge for dinner!

Extraordinarily hard. I hate it when husband travels for work. I am always an exhausted wreck when he gets back - and I don’t have a full time job to manage as well.

It doesn’t sound like you’re failing your children at all. It sounds like you’re working really hard to keep things on a level for them.

is there anyone around to help at all? Even if it’s just to come and be another adult for an hour in the evening while you make supper / pop on a load of washing?

some things I do to help…

1. I give my older child a sticker chart of ‘days until daddy is home’ - like a reverse advent calendar - to stick a star on every day at bed time - maybe you could do this at whatever the ‘I miss daddy’ crunch point seems to be

2. car picnics - essential for managing EOD hungry tums - my commute not as long as yours - but a cool box with fruit + yoghurt pouches helps minimise transfer melt downs

3. stock up from Cook or similar - easy frozen meals so you can minimise kitchen time + get on with little jobs / spend time with children instead

4. give yourself grace - your dogs are walked, your children are cuddled + fed and worried about. You’re doing a much better job than you think you are

Been there, OP.
I actually put our dogs into kennels - as a PP has said, they saw it like a holiday!
Also, I’m definitely one for cooking from scratch and I hate batch cooking, but I completely revised this when I was on my own for 2-3 weeks.
Pizzas, crudités, jacket pots, ready prepped stir fries….no making cottage pies etc… when I’m lone parenting.
Earlier bedtimes.
Also, distraction worked fine for tears when missing daddy. Before he left I would get special activities eg. Art or sticker books, new toy etc…. Works a treat. I do think children pick up on stress or desperation, so I soon learned to make sure things were fun, fun, fun.
You can’t carry on as normal when your partner is away - you do become a lone parent, do you have to adjust to take that into account.

Also - movie nights just for the children at the weekend, so mummy can ‘tidy up’ (collapse) in the other room for an hour!

That sounds exhausting!
Is it just while your husband is away or do you get up this early everyday? What bits does he usually do?

My DH is military so away a lot, I personally would do slow cooker/freezer meals for the kids during the week. As soon as you get home get their dinner done, while they eat get on with some jobs. I usually fold washing, pack bags etc and chat to them while I'm doing it. Once dinner is done it's bath and bed for the kids, they go to bed and 99% of the time I tuck them in and walk out. I haven't got time to lie with them. Then I will put my dinner on and do a couple more jobs, I live off 'cook' style ready meals or very quick dinners when DH is away. Ideally I would like things to be a slower pace and to sit and eat with them but for me it just doesn't work. But i do very long periods of separation.

I don’t think you can carry on like that. Your timings are not sustainable. A four year old leaves the house at 6.45am? And doesn’t get to bed until 9?! Both you and the children must be exhausted. My kids are the same age as yours but your timings couldn’t be more different to mine, my morning routine is 2 hours behind yours, I live 6 miles away from school and that’s considered quite far. My 4 yr old wakes at 7.30/8am and we leave at 8.45am for school. They are home by 4pm, dinner at 6pm, bed by 7pm.

You have all those pets but you are never home - hardly fair on them

And not fair on your children to have such a long day - I feel bad that as a single parent my kids have to leave to be at childcare at 730am there is no way they would cope leaving at 645 - why is it so long and why can't you make changes to that?

I'd be feeding the kids at 6 then they are in bed for 715 - 9pm is far too late at their age - naps in the car on the way home are not an adequate substitute for a good nights sleep in their own beds

Save the tidying up for when they are asleep at 8pm ish

The kids are getting far too little sleep. Why do they go to bed so late? Mine went at 7 at that age.

Why do you put the kids to bed so late? It's very detrimental to their development to have such little sleep

I think what makes parenting hard is how bloody relentless it is.

Could you get a slow cooker, chopped veg, meat, colmans sachet and as soon as you get home you’ve got casserole/sausages/chilli. Then you can bring everything forward an hour. Can children have a ten minute shower and one book so bedtime can be reduced from an hour to 20 minutes?
Can you get up at 6 and let the dogs out while the children have breakfast? I think if you can get some more time, even if it’s just to have a cup of tea and scroll mumsnet, it will help you to catch your breath.

Single parent with 2 similar aged kids and dogs, similar commute time but can wfh a couple of days a week

During the week we have very simple dinners - either something from previous batch cook in the freezer, an air fryer tea, picky tea or pasta or something. Anything that can be got on the table within 15 mins of getting home

Also weeknight focus is on tea then bath and bed for kids for 7.30 bedtime. Means that we don’t have much time for play etc but also means they get a good sleep and I can run round quick to do any jobs before I go to bed.

Clothes are also out night before, bags packed etc so less to think about in the mornings

We do have slightly different routine of a weekend - so totally different meals, they stay up later, movie nights etc to try and differentiate between the busy weeks and more fun weekends but it is hard to juggle it all together

Have a pizza fish and chips a couple of times a week .pop dogs to kennels as well.3 weeks is a good while to look after young children alone.

It's a bit repetitive. Is there a supermarket with a cafe on your way home that you could sell as a special tea treat, eating there instead one day of the week (Prices are not much more than cooking for yourself). Means a night off cleaning the kitchen when you get back and you don't have to cook. Or maybe go for a swim one night and get everyone washed and in pjamas afterwards so you can skip bedtime routine (they will probably be tired after and sleep easier). It might seem like more effort but these things can actually make the load feel lighter as they are less drudgy. Can you squeeze a treat for yourself in somewhere? Bath, fav tv show?

I’d change to shower every other day and buy a couple of easy meals - ready made family lasagna and cook double portions of stuff so you have sausage casserole Monday and Wednesday (reheated left overs). Slow cooker also very useful for one pot meals. School bags packed the night before and school dinners rather than packed lunches. If they’ve had a cooked lunch then a sandwich or beans on toast for tea is fine.

Why lay in the guilt on yourself? You doing a goid job at all your jobs
You keeping everyone alive
Get some help in when dh is away
Cleaner, online shop, easy meals, .

I feel for you OP, that sounds like one hell of a schedule. I have an autoimmune disease that can make looking after kids tough, and one thing that's helped me make things easier when I'm struggling is refusing to cook in the week. I'll heat things up/whack things in the oven but that's it. Salad vegetables are your friend- less washing up, we have cherry tomatoes/cucumber and carrot batons/raw spinach etc a lot.

It doesn't have to be unhealthy. You could make a big batch of your daughter's favourite soup at the weekend (get the kids to help with the cooking and cleaning) and freeze it- make 4x your usual amount and that's one dinner a night sorted for a whole month. Other things I dish up in the week include:

-Those pre-cooked jacket potatoes with baked beans, cheese and salad
-A tray of pre-prepared roasting vegetables with a tin of chickpeas chucked in, cooked then mixed with a bit of pesto and served with one of those sachets of flavoured couscous and a blob of houmous
-Bol does a very nice, mild and kid-friendly lentil dall, we have it with a microwave pouch of brown rice and salad
-Avocado on toast, baked beans and veggie sausages

It's not exciting and while my kid doesn't get a cooked from scratch meal in the week, sometimes something has to give and what we eat is (in my opinion, anyway) healthy enough. None of those meals require much effort beyond shoving something in an oven or a microwave 😆

This is a very good point, totally agree- sometimes having them out of the house can make things feel much easier even though being home sounds more straightforward. At the very least, less child-related mess!

You sound very stressed. Could you get signed off for a week or two with stress? Using the time to rest and then feeling more rested you will have the energy to look at all the ways you can make life easier going forward. Like do you really need to get you and the kids up so early? If you shower the kids the night before surely, having a quick wash, dressing them, grabbing their pre packed bags and providing a breakfast they can eat in the car would take 20 mins max? Can you afford a cleaner as and when? You already have a kindly neighbour who walks your dogs. Is there any one living local to you whose kids attend the same school as yours who could pick your kids up a couple of night a week and have them until you get home? Or grandparents willing to help out when needed? Again, this would only be occasional, as and when your dh is away. BTW i tho you're doing a great job. Just make it easier on yourself.

This is partly why my kids have school dinners and then I have a packed lunch ready for their tea. Game changer.

Who is with your children if you're taking the dogs out first thing?

Op has stated more than once she’s literally standing in the garden with the dogs for 5-10 minutes

Thanks @Lifebeganat50 😊

And yes, it's not nice for the animals right now but this routine is not normal for them either. They normally have a lot more attention and a lot more liberty. I don't want to put the dogs in the kennels because, with husband gone, I value the security of them being there!