Useless at looking after my children on my own

[Grapeyexpectations]

Husband away on extended work trip. Children aged 4 and 7. Work full time. Only 4 days in of 3 weeks and I'm absolutely shattered.

Our days go like this:
5.40am get up, feed and take out dogs. Shower, pack school and work bags, make breakfast, get children up and dressed, have breakfast.
6.45am leave for school
8.00am work until 4.30pm, break of about 30 minutes at lunchtime
4.30pm pick up children, calm fraught nerves and tears (miss their dad)
5.45pm arrive home. Unpack bags, make dinner, feed and clean cats, have dinner with children, make packed lunches and organise clothes for morning, clean kitchen, take out dogs.
8pm bedtime routine and reading
9pm children bedtime. I fall asleep with them.

Why is this so hard? I'm already short tempered and feel like I'm failing my children.

I get that it’s really hard to get back up and do stuff after you’ve laid down with the kids, but they can’t sustain going to bed that late, no wonder it’s all feeling stressful. My older kids could not cope with that long of a day every day of the week.

You need to get them on hot school dinners, get some meal prep, very quick dinner ideas for them, and get them down way earlier. Once they’re asleep, do whatever last bits are outstanding while watching a series on a tablet or listen to an audiobook or something so that even if you’re folding laundry or washing up, you have some semblance of an evening and downtime.

Look through some of the quick meal threads on here, also I’d be tempted to some evenings give them their main meal on that long journey home - could that work? Listen, none of it is going to be ideal fake insta-mum worthy, but long days and doing it all alone, sometimes you have to do what keeps you sane. The school dinners where I am are lovely, and I can access the menu, so if I know they’ve had something like vegetable curry and taken apples and cut up carrots into school for snacks, then I don’t feel terrible giving them a cheese and salad sandwich for ‘dinner’ in the car on the way home when it’s getting late.

Why are you driving your kids so far to school? Are you very rural?

I agree with everyone else, your drive is very long, 2 1/2 hours a day in awful traffic with two little kids would stress anyone, plus working full time, plus doing the whole household stuff, and all the emotional labour. That looks pretty full on to me. I'd be having a very very low key weekend.

I'm not really willing to go into the reasons for the long commute as it would be quite outing, but yes it is long and no there is nothing I can do about it unfortunately. Thankfully the 4yo often sleeps in the car on the way home.

And yes 3 weeks is a short period of time, but it's too abstract for my 4 year old to properly understand and use this info to regulate their emotions.

For the dogs, my husband usually works from home a few days and week so they are used to a bit more attention than they are currently getting🐶

This used to be my life but I didn’t have a dog. Do you leave the kids alone when you walk them first thing?? Just get a dog walker or something.

honestly I always actually found that the first few days were the hardest and then once we were in the swing of things it was fine

Kids in bed too late

Take-away and go to bed earlier.

No takeaways or deliveries round here, more's the pity.

You can't make cottage pie on a weeknight like yours

Either prep in advance and reheat

Or eat simple foods

I.e
Fried egg on toast

Cheese toastie and soup

Homemade Mini pizzas (mini naan, Passata, cheese, ham)

Spaghetti with jarred sauce, or Bolognese made at weekend

Pick up a rotisserie chicken, serve with baguette and chopped veg

Batch cook weekend. Microwave something in am into keep warm pots for kids and you. Give them a sandwich to eat en route home. Outsource pets. Reckon this will give you a window for tea/wine/wind down.

Also book work trip for self to ensure oh understands how it is

Get a new job much closer to home.

I feel your pain. I did very similar for years but now they are older it's easier, as they can at least wait for tea while dog is walked etc. rather than the tired tantrums I used to contend with when they were little. I was teaching too, and exhausted as Dd woke at 4.30 every morning for two years. I just wish someone had reassured me that it does end, and you will get your energy back. It was an eye opener as I grew up believing that you could have it all, that you can both work but ultimately one partners job has to take priority so that someone looks after the rest, as that's a full time job. But that's for another thread.

Wow you must be absolutely exhausted, I would be asleep at 9pm too. I’ve never left the house that early with children it would be a massive shock to the system for all of us.

As others have said I would definitely work on the earlier bedtime. As soon as you get in, quick dinner and then bath and bed and set yourself a goal to have both asleep by 8pm (or maybe the 7 year old completely ready reading / listening to a bedtime story on Yoto etc). I realise you can’t avoid the early start but you could have more of an evening to decompress. if the children were asleep earlier you could then have a shower, get your clothes ready, pack lunch, feel prepared.

for a quick dinner you can do fish finger sandwiches, scrambled egg and beans on toast, pizza, toasted sandwiches, cheesy crumpets, chicken Goujons and wedges, pretty much anything can be air fried quickly. Add some fruit and yoghurt/ rice pudding / pancake / etc and you’ve got a 20 min dinner. Def would not have any capacity whatsoever for meals like Cottage pie, just needs to be mission bedtime

My husband is currently away and is away quite often. I think you just get used to it. My children and 9 and 6 and you just need to find the right routine.

You do need to make your own life easier though. Easy meals at teatime and school dinners if possible. I know you said there were reasons for the long commute for the kids but it is utterly insane and not sustainable if they want to start any clubs etc.

A few things stand out. Firstly you've got a lot of pets. Cats and dogs as well as working full time with two young children is a lot. I wouldn't have so many pets but that's your choice. Secondly the commute from school is too long, again not sure what you can do about that. Are they at different schools? Can things like ironing clothes for the week not be done at the weekend? A 9pm bedtime is very late for a 4 and 7 year old up so early. I would be looking at giving them their evening meal when they get in, shoving dishes in dishwasher and a quick wipe down, then bath every other day and bed. I'd make the meals as simple as possible, stuff you can chuck in the slow cooker or batch cook at the weekend.

The main thing I would say is you should be much kinder to yourself. Lots of people would struggle in your shoes (I know I would). If travelling is a part of your dh's job I would have a sit down discussion and whether that actually works for your family and whether you are happy to hold the fort. If it's a case of needs must then I would be wanting him to work with you to come up with solutions to make your life easier. For instance he could batch cook before he goes or sign up to hello fresh or something similar, arrange to have laundry outsourced or arrange some home help, someone to take care of the pets. You aren't failing anyone, you are trying your best but I'd tweak things where possible to make your life easier.

The children must be exhausted. The 4 year old is getting just over 8 hours sleep a night and then getting woken up at the crack of dawn. I'm sure they should be having about 11 hours sleep a night at that age. I hope they usually have a different routine when your husband is about. No wonder their nerves are frayed.

They get around 9 hours 20 at night and the younger one another 30 minutes or so in the car as a general rule. It's not great but it's just about okay.

OP I'm a lone parent and this is my life. It is hard but take heart it will be over soon. Batch cooking helps.

If you were a lone parent you’d make permanent changes so this wasn’t your everyday life, but you’re not.

You have my admiration, you’re doing great. DH is going away for two weeks and I have a 6yo and an 11yo, no dogs, live in a town centre with restaurants and takeaways, and a job I can do predominantly at home so I can keep on top of things, and I’m already dreading it! So you’re doing brilliantly.

I did this regularly when my children were younger, minus the pets. It was exhausting.

I used to have everything done downstairs before bringing children up to bed and stayed upstairs afterwards myself. Bags packed, lunches made, breakfast table set, cereal in bowls with a plate or something on top. Coats, shoes, bags lined up in hall ready to go. Get children into bed and then have my shower and that was it for the night.

Simplify dinners for the three weeks, oven chips, sausages and eggs mid-week for dinner or similar, not the best of dinners but will do. Make Monday and Tuesday's dinner at the weekend.

Sounds very full on so not surprised your tired!

What can you stop doing? If kids can have school
dinners I’d sort that then I’d have ‘picnic’ tea (aka sandwiches and save on cooking, cleaning up afterwards and making pack up! Otherwise I’d batch make a few staples and eat on repeat plus pizza.

one more day then it’s the weekend, then it’s half term. Hang in there!

Also can you shorten the children's bedtime routine from an hour to 30/40 mins. Going to sleep at 9pm is quite late for a 4 year old definitely and also for the 7 yo. I'd suggest trying to start the bed time routine at 7.30pm with aim of switching of lights in your children's rooms at 8.15pm.

I felt fatigued just reading your post. Your schedule sounds soul destroying. When do you have time to have fun with the kids? Can they eat either breakfast or dinner in the car? Maybe not at 4 and 7. Can you have super easy dinners while DP is away. Two minute gnocchi or tortellini, pasta, stir fry with noodles, omelette etc. cottage pie and homemade soup sound a lot on top of that day. You're doing an amazing job!

I'm not surprised you're all exhausted and I honestly don't think any of this is sustainable for another two weeks. It's not fair on any of you.

You're commuting for three hours a day with a four and seven year old, working full time and caring for two dogs (who seem to be left alone all day) and cats on top - with absolutely no help from anyone except a neighbour who walks the dogs for you.

Stop cooking from scratch - freezer food or ready meals are fine for a couple of weeks, or even just things like pesto pasta or chicken kievs with chips. Get the kids in to bed much earlier and then do your jobs once they're asleep.

I'm exhausted just reading about your day. Why people get dogs and cats when they also have 2 kids and a looooong commute and work full time is...bonkers to me.