Useless at looking after my children on my own

[Grapeyexpectations]

Husband away on extended work trip. Children aged 4 and 7. Work full time. Only 4 days in of 3 weeks and I'm absolutely shattered.

Our days go like this:
5.40am get up, feed and take out dogs. Shower, pack school and work bags, make breakfast, get children up and dressed, have breakfast.
6.45am leave for school
8.00am work until 4.30pm, break of about 30 minutes at lunchtime
4.30pm pick up children, calm fraught nerves and tears (miss their dad)
5.45pm arrive home. Unpack bags, make dinner, feed and clean cats, have dinner with children, make packed lunches and organise clothes for morning, clean kitchen, take out dogs.
8pm bedtime routine and reading
9pm children bedtime. I fall asleep with them.

Why is this so hard? I'm already short tempered and feel like I'm failing my children.

I really like the idea of changing up the routine by taking them out a bit. I can't do it during the week as we need to rush home to look after the pets but we'll do something on the weekend instead of going to ground completely!

Next time your dh has to travel like that he should leave cooked meals to cover the time he is away.

Agree with posters re eating in supermarket cafe/swim etc but I take your point re the dogs. Is there a tween/teen nearby that wants to ear a little pocket money?

If you can get the children to bed an hour earlier you will have an hour of stillness for yourself - it will be a massive improvement for you.

Getting the bags, lunches and clothes ready with the kids the night before is quality time with them.

You are tired because you are doing a massive amount without any back up. And you are dealing with young children - not rational mature adults.

Your children are screaming out for connection with you. And more sleep. Possibly blood sugar from meals too far apart too. These things will make them far easier to handle.

Get them school dinner and save the packed lunch for 5pm dinner on the drive home, free up an hour for you to be present with them, play, then do bedtime and have them asleep by 7/7.30pm, giving you an hour to eat and prep for the next day.

I’ve a similar length day (though mine runs 6.45-10pm before time to sit down). I’ve very few tips unfortunately. I get up 20 minutes before the dc so I can have coffee and let the dog out in peace before I start the day. I also fit an hour dog walk in the evening with the dc which is more unwind time/ family time. I’ve simplified packed lunches to grab and go stuff- lunchables/ snack attack wraps/ tubs of pre cooked pasta in sauce + a piece of fruit for the youngest who doesn’t eat much lunch, with additional fruit/ yoghurt/ cereal bar for the ones who do. I get clothes out the night before and homework packed away. Breakfast is cereal or porridge done in the microwave for 2 minutes with a handful of raisins. I can’t bring myself to batch cook at weekends for the sake of saving half an hour a night as I like to have some downtime, nor can I bring myself to do ready meals etc (cost too much for 6 of us, and not healthy) but I do meal plan at the weekend and weeknight meals are quicker: around 30 minutes, less if possible on the 2 nights we have clubs 6.30-8.30. I have shortened my morning routine by wearing my glasses instead of contacts and skipping makeup: I do not recommend this as I feel better with both but something had to give.
DH is generally home but for health reasons can’t help with anything currently (or for the last 3 years). When he’s away we do eat less “proper meals “ as me and the kids are happy with things he wouldn’t see as enough- nachos with salsa, refried beans, grated cheese served with guacamole and sour cream, tapas type stuff, sushi to share, tacos to fill ourselves, make-your own wrap (chopped veggies, sauces, cooked meat, grated cheese on the table- generally everyone finds something they like including veg and protein with minimal prep or complaint)

Good idea on the dh cooking and freezing dinners. Next time he could also do a non perishable food items shop to cover the weeks he’s away.

He did do a massive shop beforehand for non-perishables, so we're loaded up with pasta, rice, milk, juice, snacks etc etc. That's certainly been very helpful

I'm really reluctant to use quicker options for meals as we've had an uphill battle getting the children to accept home cooked food (including my eldest putting on weight due to overreliance on processed foods) and I'd hate to take a backwards step on that if I can avoid it at all

It seems to be like you don't actually want to change anything that would make your life easier.

You won't (or can't) change your commute, you won't put the dogs in kennels, you won't do freezer food or ready made meals, and you also seem reluctant to put the kids to bed any earlier or get them up any later.

Did you just want a moan (which is perfectly okay) or did you actually want advice?

I don't know if it's been mentioned but batch cook. Every meal you make, if it can be frozen in any way, make if for 8 and freeze what's left.
Also, spend 5 min in the morning or evening prepping your slow cooker.

You'll get used to it, things become routine really quickly.

I do think the 4yo might be tearful as they're tired, that's not enough sleep!
My 12 yo goes to bed at the same time in the week and has to be up at 630am. My three would all have been in bed by 7.30pm at that age.

4 year olds need about 11-12 hours sleep.

I was going to say this.

I’m not trying to kick you whilst down OP and I’ve had to make wholesale changes to our lives to make it work as it was killing us.

You can’t make any improvements without significant changes.

That commute is ridiculous. I understand that it’s unavoidable in the short term but you can’t keep that up long term.

This is why I would never, ever, EVER get any pet. I grew up with one and the amount of work has put me off for life. PP suggested putting them in kennels for a few weeks to give yourself a break. It's a small change but would reduce the mental load. That commute is so long, but I guess it can't be helped. How about a cleaner once a week or two weeks? I know batch cooking is a chore but it does help.

Good.
I don’t see what you can change in your routine. It looks normal to me. It’s hard work for sure. The only bonus is that you don’t have a baby/toddler keeping you up at night.

I don’t see what you can change in your routine. It looks normal to me.

I genuinely don't think there's anything normal about a 4yo spending three hours in the car everyday, getting up at 5.45 for school, and not getting to bed until 9 at night.

Whatever you do cook.. double up the amount. It's not extra effort. Cook once, eat twice

I vary between home cooked meals and easy meals - two toddler kids and we both work full time.

’cooked’ meal , I make for 2 days, that’s 50% less cooking !
for other cooked meals - we make fresh pasta sauce and freeze it , so just cook pasta or whatever to add
i boil and freeze plain lentils - then just have to add spices , and make any rice etc.

We try to do fresh meals too but not from scratch , the above helps. And some evenings are definitely waffles and cheese / beans etc !

I don’t think that you are useless at all, but I do think that your set up sounds completely unsustainable for all of you and that your DC need more sleep.

I understand that you can’t leave your place of work - and it is 1.5 hrs away, is that right? There must be other options though, such as paying someone to come in the mornings to provide a couple of hours of childcare and to drop your DC off after they have got up at a more sensible time, and an after school child minder who provides a meal for them before you collect.

Bit odd that the children are so devastated by Daddy being away for a couple of weeks. Is he usually the primary carer? Is he able to read a bedtime story on Facetime or anything like that? Agree the children need to be in bed earlier. Don't pander too much to wails of "I miss Daddy", kids know what buttons to push and if you are positive and brisk "I miss Daddy too but he'll be back soon", they'll get over it. No need for special dinners made to order - better to stick to normal routines.

And yes, kennel the dogs. Hopefully your DH usually works from home so they aren't normally left cooped up all day and reliant on the neighbour's kindness to walk them?

You can make healthy quick food. Grill a chicken breast, stick a jacket potato in the microwave and boil some frozen peas

This.

Do the children have this routine even when their dad is around? The early starts, long drive to school and late bedtime?

As a teacher you know the children are not getting enough sleep, so bed one hour earlier and cut the bedtime routine in half.

Plan the whole weeks meals in advance, and batch cook at the weekend and you don't go making a cottage pie then suddenly change dinner on a whim - explain to child that the soup can be made the next day or at the weekend and s/he can have it then.

Get a gate ! that is ridiculous !

I suppose you would hire a live in nanny? Not everyone can afford this.

I suppose you would hire a live in nanny? Not everyone can afford this.

No, I would be looking for a job that didn't mean I had to get my 4yo child up at 5.45 every morning, and that meant they got to bed much earlier than 9 at night.

That amount of sleep and that much time sat in a car everyday is completely unsustainable long term.

^^ Of course, it could be that it's different when dad is around in which case, it's just short term pain, but it's still not ideal for a 4yo and it's no wonder everyone is struggling.