Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

Of course it does, financial security makes it easier to handle anything and everything. Losing DH young was awful, but it was definitely easier because we were well provided for.

You seriously think money makes losing your mum less painful, @Getonnow?

It might make things around the bereavement easier - I am sure it can do - but it can’t change or diminish the pain of losing someone.

But they're separate things aren't they. They have 800k owing to the astute fathers reaction to the tragedy.

People saying that those who can see why it's lucky are materialistic I offer the flip side. I have a friend, both parents alive but separated, he idolises them and they are the most palpably awful fucking people I know, despite never having to worry for much in his life, he is one of the unluckiest people I know because his emotional, moral and every other aspect of his development was ignored or failed by his parents. This is not his view btw, just mine.

The dad might be a complete arsehole who also totally ignores his daughters development and thinks that 800k is gonna solve all her problems and in this respect she would be unlucky. The lucky and unlucky portions of our lives are outside of our control by definition

It was a throwaway comment and your colleagues and the dad are totally overreacting. No one was saying it's lucky mum died, just that it's lucky daughter now has financial security. Lucky may not be the right word but it's a word people use to express that someone is in a good position, so was appropriate enough really.

It isn’t as though the OP was intending to be cruel - that is obvious. She has apologised twice and that is enough. The father was ungracious in his response.

Realistically, what the OP will have learned is that this man (and his friends) will quickly turn on her. She won’t relax around them and will avoid getting into conversations with them.

Some of the responses on here are quite strange. I very much hope that I live long enough to see my children’s middle age but, if I don’t, I hope that they go on to have happy live regardless. I’d hate the thought that people would be expected to tiptoe around them forevermore. My own mother’s parents died when she was young (her mum when she was nine, her dad when she was 13). She is very matter of fact about death and that it is part of life.

Your comment came across as jealous and insensitive.
I don't think it is an over reaction.
What am amazing Father to think ahead and provide for his daughter.

I agree that @Clemcy didn’t mean to cause any offence or hurt, @CruCru - but I don’t think the man’s response to her apology text was dreadful either. It sounds as if he was hurt by what she said, and the advice to think before you speak in the future isn’t bad advice, especially if the OP has a tendency to have foot-in-mouth moments (which I know we don’t know).

Hopefully now she has apologised twice, he and their colleagues will draw a line under it and move on - I really hope they don’t turn on her, because that would absolutely be unreasonable of them. I hope that they can all be grown up and reasonable about it.

Sorry op, I don’t think it’s an over reaction. My colleague made a similar comment about me being lucky to be mortgage free, after my partner died leaving me with 4 small children. I just replied that I wouldn’t call it lucky and that was the end of it. It’s very tough when kids lose a parent early and my kids don’t have that amount of money put aside but even if they did, they would in no way be lucky.
However, you have apologised so there is not much more you can do.

Not an overreaction initially, as it's an Argyll thing to have lost his partner and mother of his child. However after you apologised it would have been nice if he accepted your apology. Makes me think they'll go on about your comment for ages. Tbh I think that he was also in the wrong. No need to mention the &800k, he sounds like he was bragging.

It was not life insurance according to OP. The father downsized and released money. Unless I am missing some extra info.

If it was life insurance then maybe it would be in poor taste, as it is money that is a direct result of the death and could not have been received otherwise.

Even if the mother was alive the couple could have still downsized.

Yes it is a lot of money but it is odd to give an exact figure out like that. It would not bother me, but they say that English people think it is vulgar.

I have around the same amount put aside in total for my teens, there have been no deaths, they can each buy outright a flat in the SE with it. I would not tell anyone other than close friends and only if they asked me directly, because it is not the norm and can make people feel envious

Are you having a laugh ? The man was volunteering private infomation that would put his daughter in the top 100 (if not 10) wealthiest teens in the UK (as opposed to teens with wealthy parents) along side day to day providing

It's obviously a way hes coped with the loss of his wife, to always ensure his daughter is provided for, & therefore heavily tied to her mother's death but really he wasnt having a conversation about her mother's death he was having it about his daughters future & his decision to sell his house & transfer the bulk of it to her along side savings.

The 'lucky girl' comment was about having her entire life housing/university/wedding pre financed NOT a question of wether she would prefer to have her mother back & hes clearly overreacted & others have piled on to defend him as he lost his wife.

But that her automatic response was ‘she’s lucky’ rather than ‘how tragic, how is she?’ does indicate that she didn’t spare a thought for the child but did for the money. And that she’s posted saying the father over reacted also shows a complete lack of empathy.

Seriously - a spur of the moment reaction to information that would stun most people?!

Catch a grip.

It really doesn't. It was clumsy and thoughtless. The OP did not intend to offend and has apologised.

That should be the end of the matter.

I'm sure she feels bad enough without the likes of you putting the boot in.

Your comment doesn't come across that well either.

The OP also says that the mother passed away when the child was younger - so clearly some years ago. So it follows that the funds weren’t amassed as a direct result of the tragedy - life insurance for example - but rather as a result of her colleague being savvy with money. It’s not lack of empathy for either father or daughter, because ‘lucky’ was referring to the lifestyle the daughter could expect as a result of having that money, not the fact that she had lost her mother.

I think an overreaction, it was obvious you didn't mean she was lucky to have lost her mum, but she is very lucky to have 800,000 at her disposal, that she didn't earn. I wonder why he felt the need to give you the exact sum? Talking about money is vulgar. He sounds boastful and gloating. You did apologise. Don't beat yourself up.

Who are you quoting? Because that isn’t what I said.

And who says ‘catch a grip’?!

I don't think he overreacted, it was insensitive. Equally though I don;t think you should be vilified for it, you realise the error and apologised, you meant no harm.

It must be tiring always to assume the worst of people. Most people mean well and act in good faith.

It must exhausting always trying to excuse people’s poor behaviour for them. Most people just see things for what they are.

I assume you’ve never made a mistake in your life then?

this guy was bragging about his nearly 1m fortune which is the height of crass, his daughter is extraordinarily lucky to have that kind of financial support and most people would’ve thought the same as the OP. That doesn’t negate the fact that her mum’s death is tragic but if he doesn’t want comments like that he should maybe stop talking about his money. And yes, he is overreacting. If I was the OP I’d have rolled my eyes at his text and ignored it.

She's probably overwhelmed by the tsunami response. I would be in her shoes.

Of course, everyone makes mistakes. I don’t blame them on someone else on mumsnet though.

I cant see where op says he was floating either?

I’m glad people in my life have empathy- seems to be amiss on this thread!

IMO this kind of response wouldn't be appropriate about a parent dying years earlier. Is that how the girl is supposed to be defined forever- by the death? What if she wasn't OK - it's intrusive. --

"But that her automatic response was ‘she’s lucky’ rather than ‘how tragic, how is she?’ does indicate that she didn’t spare a thought for the child"

ttcat37 she may well have done when he first said about his wife dying. I highly doubt he told the whole story and the only comment from OP was "wow, lucky girl".