Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

This

What a load of nonsense. The girl has £800,000 and she is lucky to have it. Fact. She isn't lucky that her mum died young but you didn't say she was. You said she was lucky to have £800,000. She is.

1. your comment was not thoughtful.
2. did your colleague need to throw around the fact that £800k is waiting for his daughter? Why.
3. your comment was thoughtless, but I think people need to consider context. Was your intention malicious? No. Was it poor judgement on your part? Yes.
4. you are being dismissive by suggesting an overreaction.
5. your colleagues should probably back off, as you are aware that you made an error.
6. learn and move on.

I think it’s an overreaction. He must know that you (or anyone) wouldn’t be referring to his kid being lucky at losing their mum. He’d just been talking about how much money is set aside to help his DD out when you said it. It’s blatantly saying obvious it wasn’t meant in malice.

You’re human, you’ve apologised, move on.

of COURSE they’d prefer her mum to be here still over any money. That should go without saying.

however £800k is money that many of us could only ever dream of, irrelevant of whatever age our parents pass away at.

yes it wasn’t exaclty tactful of you OP but I understand why you said it how you did. You apologised, everyone should move on.

what kind of reaction was he expecting when he announced he has 800k set aside for his daughter? Perhaps he should keep that to himself in future as that’s such a high amount you won’t be the only person to react in that way

Pull this thread Mumsnet, OP does not need anymore kicking. No doubt she feels even more terrible after posting. I hope she's read the supportive posts but it's enough now.....21 pages, jeez!

Her mum could have died and she was left with nothing. Of course she is lucky to have that sum of money. This does not negate how awful it is to lose your mum.

I do think he overreacted. Anyone would know you didn't mean to say that intentionally to hurt him.

He seemed quite happy to go in to the finer details about how much he has in the bank. A little insensitive given a lot of people are struggling right now. He could have easily said he had it covered without going in to £££

He wanted you to know he's well off and that he's provided for his daughter. She is lucky and you merely pointed it out

ok it was super thoughtless, which you acknowledge, but I’s say he should also be more graceful about accepting your apology and realising it was a stupid comment rather than anything malicious. My brother died when I was 20 and i received some money from his life insurance policy. Doesn’t mean it’s not awful I lost him, but certainly also made me luckier than friends of mine who also had a bereavement and didn’t have a few thousand suddenly drop into their bank. Like someone else said, multiple things can be true at once (tho as you now know, better not to have made the analogy in front of him).

I wouldn’t stress about it too much - you’ve apologised for screwing up. and you can’t - and shouldn’t have to - be expected to grovel about it. Your colleagues are probably getting off on the drama a little bit.

Nobody’s saying she intended malice. The fact that she’s posted saying the bloke overreacted shows that she’s not very remorseful and still doesn’t acknowledge how hurtful what she said was.

As a fellow blurter, I sympathise! You've apologised, maybe try a second time, along the lines of you realise how thoughtless the comment was and really wish you had thought before you spoke, then, you need to forgive yourself - the comment is out there now and much as you would like to, you can't take it back.

Op has disappeared since last night.Probably not worth commenting on!

Yes it should have been.

Only OP messaged him after the initial apology, therefore inviting a response. Which he gave. 🤷‍♀️

For goodness sake this thread is mad.

No one is saying OP meant any malice. Or that she meant they were lucky for losing their mum/ partner. Yes it’s clear she meant lucky to have the money.

But can you imagine losing your partner and someone telling you that you or your child was lucky to have the money? Imagine being that bereaved and someone using the word lucky? It would feel awful.

I think it’s obvious to anyone with 2 brain cells that you meant she was lucky having all expenses covered…. And obvious you didn’t mean ‘oh she’s lucky her mum died!!’….
my friends husband died and unfortunately he didn’t have life insurance….. now if someone said who DID have insurance said ‘oh luckily we had life insurance’ it doesn’t mean they consider themselves ‘lucky’ that their partner died…. But lucky they’d covered themselves!!
his daughter is very unfortunate that she lost her mum…. But yes I’d consider her lucky that her parents had taken out insurances to enable her to have a financially secure life herself !!

I’d probably have responded and just say.. ‘I can only apologise and assure you I didn’t mean it the way it came across, it was very thoughtless and clumsy’ or words to that effect!!

Don't think the widower either will be particularly thrilled to read this in the Daily Mail

You misspoke, nothing more than a bit careless. Maybe just apologise, but yes they are overreacting. Also quite insensitive and vulgar for them to brag about how much they have in the bank! Who does that!

I'm sure the op and every normal person reading this thread is very very sorry that this gentleman's wife died and he raised his daughter alone. I think the op is wondering if it is an overreaction because what are you really supposed to say when someone reveals a nearly £1 million pound nest egg? It is certainly extraordinary information. The op was surprised, (as was I to read it) had a momentary lapse and blurted out something and apologised. The matter should have closed there and then, not dragged on with ongoing berating. Minor missteps like this should be forgiven and forgotten especially when major and life changing events are happening around us all the time.

Voice of reason.

For goodness sake, we all suffer from foot in mouth occasionally and stretching someone out on the rack due to a tactless lapse, harmlessly meant, isn't really on.

I think it’s probably a matter of an opinion based on how materialistic you are. No amount of money would soften the blow of a loved one to me. And for a child losing their parent it pales into insignificance. You may think it’s a minor misstep but imo it makes the person totally transparent and reveals them as someone I would not want to have any sort of friendship with

If you have a reputation for making thoughtless comments then maybe they are somewhat justified. But otherwise I think they are being over the top.

Yes your comment was thoughtless, but you apologised. That would be the end of it for me.

"be careful what you say" sounds a bit ominous to me. "Please think more about what you say in future" is probably more appropriate.

My guess is there is something else going on here as to why your colleague is being so unforgiving.

That is your right to behave in any way you choose but I think the issues are being conflated. Of course the op does NOT think the girl is lucky that her Mum passed away. How on earth could anyone even begin to think that? It's not untrue or unfair to say she is lucky to have a nest egg whilst also recognising that of course she would much prefer her mother present as we all would. I think that life is very difficult if one takes everything as a mortal wound.

This isn't an option. You can have the money or not have the money but you definitely can't have your parent back.

There is nothing materialistic in recognising that having a significant amount of money is going to facilitate many normally difficult aspects of someone's life.

I lost my dad at a young age and I asked my mum about this yesterday and she said of course I was lucky to have had the start I had in life, whilst also being unlucky I didn't get to know him more, but his work and success left me far more privileged than most other people. Children didn't get anything in inheritance but my dad achieved what he wanted as a parent which was security for his family but his illness and death was obviously a very horrible blow. Not recognising the fortune undermines the achievements of both parents in this and I reckon that's something that at some point, if not the father, then the daughter, will realise

The pp who said earlier that we don't get to choose our luck has it right

I don't think it's about being materialistic, it's just pragmatic. Grief is horrendous. Grief whilst worrying about paying the bills is worse, because whilst you're grieving, you've also got to process a lot of other stress. It really isn't about somehow implying the money in some way makes up for the loss. It's just acknowledging that everything is worse when you have no money and you're worried about that as well.

Do you think that not having to worry about rent or bills makes it any less painful to lose your mum at a young age, @pootlin?