Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

That was to all posters saying Ops colleague was inappropriate mentioning a large sum of money. I think when you’re grieving and gone through trauma people should cut you a bit of slack not judging you and labelling you a a bragger

You blurted & so you apologised at the time. It may have been a bit insensitive but it wasn’t an insult. I feel they defo overreacted. Their reaction would have been warranted had you not apologised at the time.

This for me. He’s agreeing with you that it was the wrong thing to say, it’s not for you to determine how much that affects him.

I don't think it's an overreaction, no. It was very thoughtless of you, but you've apologised, and just leave it now. At least you will have learned from it.

Many years ago I was with a group of friends who were all moaning about their husbands. One of them said to me "you're lucky you don't have to put up with all this". My DH had died a few months previously. I was very hurt at the time but also appreciated that it was just a thoughtless comment, with no malice intended.

I don't think it's an overreaction, you said yourself that it was a thoughtless comment and it obviously upset him. You've apologised and hopefully now can both put it behind you and move on. I think it's slightly insensitive of him to be telling people about the large sum of money his daughter has when other colleagues may be struggling to pay for their kid's Uni expenses though!

How is that the same!

One is directly saying that it’s good the mum died because you don’t have to get a present.

The other was just a thoughtless slip where they were saying lucky to have all that money without thinking for a moment that the only reason the daughter has it is because her mum died.

Everyone says stupid stuff like that sometimes. It’s definitely putting your foot in it, but it’s no way as bad as the first example, which is literally jaw-dropping.

This was in response to the poster who said she would never forgive the op's comment. I am sorry for anyone who loses a loved one (it is an awful awful thing that so many of us so sadly experience). I cannot understand the mindset of someone who wouldn't forgive a thoughtless comment and an apology. The point is that in the grand scheme of things the op's comment is not life-threatening or life-changing. I can see how it could transiently sting but not affect someone's life to the point where endless and lifelong berating and shaming is required.

Oh no, OP. Cringing for you. I'd just repeat my apology to your colleague then move on.

She is a lucky girl … I read the first half of the opening post and thought what a spoilt brat!!

yes very said circumstances that has given rise to it, but very lucky he is such a thoughtful father to have planned for this.

shame he wasn’t so thoughtful about his mouth (especially with values) in such a conversation!! Those sort of numbers really shouldn’t be shared with anyone because they can cause shock/opinions.

I really don’t think you said anything wrong! @Clemcy & I wouldn’t have apologised.

I think they are being ridiculous, the comment was OBVIOUSLY specifically about the huge sum of money waiting for her to cushion the way into adult life, and nothing to do with loosing her mum. Don’t feel bad you did nothing wrong.

I have a friend who dumped a few of her friends for a similar incident.
Friend made a similar comment in a relatively similar situation. All of them turned on her and made her out to be an appalling person refusing to accept an apology at a mispoken misinterpreted comment.
luckily they weren’t that close so she could afford to lose them but because they were that close they didn’t know that my friend had also lost her mum at a young age and spent years in and out of foster and children’s homes because her father was a useless alcoholic.
So to her, having a surviving parent who gave a shit and had gone out of his way to make life easier for their child felt like a really lucky thing.

I'm a widow, more comfortably off than I would be if DH hadn't died. I am lucky. I could have been left a penniless widow.

Either way, I don't brag about it, which is what he was doing. I wouldn't dream of telling anyone about the little nest egg that's there for DC.

Telling colleagues, in normal circumstances, that he has £800k tucked away for his daughter is tone deaf too.

You've apologised, you didn't mean it the way it's been taken, people wanting you to feel bad forever are being awful IMO.

Agreed.

An unfortunate comment but not meant as it was taken. Bit crass to mention the amount and it’s a large sum so easy to react to that.

Some people do like a drama. An apology to explain you obviously meant the amount the girl will receive should be enough. Seems the mother died a number of years ago so this is not fresh grief and while a sad situation you really weren’t meaning the death was a good thing.

You said it without thinking, it happens, I know exactly what you meant and so did everyone else.

I really think you did the decent thing by messaging him with an apology. He and the busy bodies shoild show you some compassion as you obviously feel bad and move on.
I was diagnosis with cancer 2 years ago and the number of times someone has said something thoughtless about me having had a couple years off work or getting fast Dr appointments or free prescriptions is crazy but I absolutely would not make them feel bad for it because I know full well they mean no harm. Give yourself a break you've apologised that's all you can do.

It was thoughtless but you already knew that and apologised at the time.

I don't think it was appropriate for a number of other people to contact you to tell you the same thing you already know.

Re the Dad's reaction to your message, it is fine. He only sent it because you contacted him again about it. He wouldn't have said it again if you hadn't contacted him.

You are allowed to make mistakes as a human. You are allowed to be insensitive at times, we all are. You’ve apologised, cut yourself some slack.

I lost a parent at a similar age to the girl and I think your comment is basically fine. Yes it was thoughtless and he was right to correct you but I would have instantly forgiven and forgotten. She is fortunate financially - notwithstanding it’s awful to lose a parent. Similar to the girl I was financially better off than my peers due to life insurance payout and what you said is fairly normal and she/he will hear it many more times as she will likely be further up the property ladder her whole life.

Its far more hurtful when people make comments that you’re better off not having a parent or minimise the loss by inferring you were too young to feel it as deeply as an adult would (yes really someone said that…).

I can understand the colleague being a little upset by the comment but sounds like there was no malice. Maybe shouldn’t have voiced the thought, but maybe it was a knee jerk reaction in shock at the amount.
I wonder whether maybe the issue was the tone / manner in which it was said? Who knows.
Ultimately it was a mistake, OP has apologised, no need to make a big deal out of it. I think they are overreacting.

As someone, who lost a parent at a similar age and to cancer, I don’t think they sound remotely similar. Op was careless with her words but meant no harm whereas commenting on not having to buy a Christmas present for a parent you lost in your teens is plain nasty.

You showed sincerity by apologising. I understand that their situation is beyond awful but you apologised and it was a clumsy mistake, not an intended, malicious comment. Also, quite frankly if someone mentions a staggering sum like 800k available to someone to start them off in life it is quite an unexpected comment and quite tricky to know how to reply, especially in an already sensitive situation. I think you were just responding without really adding up all the details but in any other conversation this sort of response would be fine, amusing even but where this is about death and quite sensitive its as though its been blown out of proportion. Please don't be upset you showed a lot of humility by messaging him, nothing more you can do.

I do think he could have been more gracious in accepting your apology instead of making you feel worse.

I’m actually intrigued as to what he was expecting people to say to his gloat.

He is overreacting. My dad died when I was a child, my mum did very well out of life insurance etc. If someone had said this within my hearing I would have assumed you meant what a lucky girl she is to have a father who has invested money for her future and looked out for her. Not lucky girl she has all this money because her mum died.

You didn't mean any harm, you didn't mean your comment in the way it was taken and you apologised at the time. Huge overreaction from them all.

I might have made a similar remark as I tend to zone out when people are going on at length about their investments/money/holidays or other topics like that, and I just sort of nod along and make bland, generic remarks at intervals without really listening.

My dad passed, leaving my mum in a v good financial situation. We tell each other all the time how lucky we are, how it could be so much worse with extra stress on top of the grief, how were better off than many. It's not just words either, my mum especially really believes it. You can be in a terrible situation, but still be lucky it's not worse.

I think your reaction was fine considering the shock of hearing about that much money.