Thinking this is an over-reaction to my thoughtless comment

[Clemcy]

Today at work I spent lunch with some colleagues who have children a similar age to my eldest, 16-18 sort of age. We were talking about uni/fees/tech/accomodation etc.
One colleagues wife passed away when their child was younger, he sold the house, moved away to somewhere much cheaper mortgage free etc. and put the rest of the money from the sale away for his daughter.
He was explaining he's not worried as he has enough to buy her a flat/house when she's in second year, pay her fees and keep some back for wedding/emergencies. He quite causally said "yeah there is about £800,000 waiting for her."
This is insane to me, my house is worth a quarter of that, while I appreciate the circumstances that have allowed them to accumulate that money are awful it is a large sum!!
I thoughtlessly said "oh wow lucky girl" and everyone sort of looked at me, I realised and apologised.
Since I've gotten home 3 separate people have messaged me to let me know said colleague is quite upset at my insensitive comment, and there is nothing lucky about your mum dying - I never said there was!!
I messaged him to apologise but he just replied with "no amount of money will bring her mum back, be careful what you say"

I'm now sat quite upset, I genuinely wasn't thinking, heard the amount and thought wow!
AIBU to think this is an overreaction to a thoughtless comment?

My Dad died young and with the money he left me I paid for my wedding, house, car etc. I've had people say thoughtless things like "your dad dying was the best thing to happen to you wasn't it". Erm no, I'd rather have my Dad but that's life. People can be thoughtless, we are human, but I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. If you've reflected on it and apologised, and he's still being funny, well that's up to him I guess. You can't do anymore except learn from it and move on, but I wouldn't keep apologising, you've tried. She is a lucky girl to have parents who have helped her so well. I'm gutted I lost my Dad but he looked after me in life and after, therefore I'm still lucky.

You said something thoughtless, but so did he.

Who verbalises to colleagues that they have almost a million quid put aside for their child?!

I couldn't read and run.

I lost my husband last year 10 weeks after a cancer diagnosis. He was 38. Our DCs are 5 and 2. The amount of times people have put their foot in it in this short time is already enough to make me livid.

Luckily we protected ourselves, there is a mortgage insurance, death in service and private life insurance. I would give it all back tenfold if I could have the love of my life back and so would my children. I will aim for both of them to be very well off when they come of age, it's what their dad would have wanted.

If someone had said what you did I would react the same. They probably will at some point in the future too! People just don't get it and never will unless they've been through it themselves and I don't mean losing a parent in their golden years. I completely understand his reaction and he's completely within his rights. You should feel bad and an apology will not erase the hurt he felt at that moment and probably will every time he thinks about it. Saying he should move on from it is easier said than done. You never "get over" a tragedy like that. I don't think I ever will!

All you can do is apologise which is what you did anyway but think before speaking in the future.

She is a lucky girl! No need for him to have mentioned money.

Poor girl’s unlucky to have lost her mum and I’m sure she’d rather her mum be here than the money.

They’re separate issues. So if someone wins the Euromillions they can’t possibly be described as lucky because they’d suffered a bereavement when they were young?

His bragging was incredibly crass in the current financial climate. How are people supposed to respond to that?

Of course it was a thoughtless comment but I also think his reaction is unfair. Everyone puts their foot in it sometimes, you immediately apologised, that should have been the end of it.

I also think it’s really odd and mean for your other colleagues to wade in to stick the boot in and make you feel even worse!

I think your comment was a little thoughtless but so was his. However you look at it, the daughter is in a great position financially and most of us would love that for our children.

This. 800K is a lot of money to be bragging about.

Exactly this.
You know your comment was thoughtless. Why is it such an issue that he’s told you that he agrees with you?
Just move on!

He is a complete drama lama. She is lucky. She has almost a million pounds and her father obviously looked after the money carefully and didn't go mad and fritter it away like has happened to many people. He is obviously a wonderful father. I have relatives who lost a parent in a tragic incident they were very young and thirty years on they are still devastated. No money will make up for their loss. However they also received very generous compensation and do feel lucky about that and have acknowledged that it gave them all a house deposit and a helping hand. In the context of the conversation you were having you said nothing wrong.

Exactly this

And this is the point, he wanted you to congratulate him for not spending it all on kebabs and only fans

We have all put our foot in it!

This.

Complete overreaction on behalf of the drama lamas.

Plenty of children lose one or both parents and this leads to further money worries which your colleague’s daughter won’t have.

Of course she’s lucky in that respect.🤷🏻‍♀️

He is the crass one for bragging about that amount of money.

The reason it’s such an issue is that OP recognised what she’d done immediately and apologised in person at the time. That should have been the end of it. How many apologies are enough ?

He probably shouldn’t of mentioned the amount but at the same time you were extremely insensitive and for 3 people to message you would indicate maybe sometimes you are a bit that way in general and then for you to imply he’s here reacting then that says you don’t really see the issue at all so I’m leaning towards you’re the bit of an AH

Vast over-reaction.

Nope not an over reaction at all from them. You were thoughtless in saying that. One of my friends told me I was "lucky" because I inherited a brand new car when my mum died. She said she wished she had a new car. I turned around and said "well you will when your mum dies". Not friends with her now since that comment. Your colleagues have every right to be annoyed with you. The colleague shouldn't of mentioned the amount though.

Oh come on, the conversation had nothing to do with the mother directly - the fact is he was bragging about how much money he had put aside for her (otherwise why mention the figure?) then when you unintentionally responded in a way that may have been insensitive he proceeded to slag you off behind to your 'friends'. I presume he didn't say something to you in the moment?? No of course not. He'd rather play the victim in a situation of his own doing. Stop worrying and certainly stop apologising - once was enough.

He should also have the manners to gracefully accept the apology offered, both at the time and again via text.

No it’s not an overreaction. You said something upsetting
you apologised, he said just to remember in future

move on

My old school friend, who is a lovely man and not at all materialistic, was widowed when his children were teenagers. He told me similar things re large amounts of money he gave his children as a result of insurance money he received. I didn’t perceive it as bragging, I interpreted it as he was grieving and it gave him solace to think his children would be financially comfortable. I felt like he was trying to compensate for their trauma and wanted to talk about it so I would validate and reflect back to him that he was doing all he could to ensure his children would at least not have money worries. Grief is very complex, people react in different ways and losing your spouse prematurely and navigating life with your teens as a bereaved parent must be a minefield. I think OPs colleague wanted recognition he done well by his daughter, I don’t think he was being boastful