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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I tell her he's been sleeping with me

539 replies

Damaged27 · 30/01/2024 23:15

Changed name for this as its really outing. My ex and I have been sleeping together since we broke up kind of a fwb situation. Where not together and free to do whatever with whoever. However iv just found out, not from him that he has been in a relationship with another woman for almost a year and she is a minimum of 12 weeks pregnant with his child. He has not said a word to me about this. Aibu to tell her or should I just walk away and let them have their little family.
Yabu. Don't tell her
Yanbu. Tell her what a cheating asshole she is with.

OP posts:
rainbowbee · 30/01/2024 23:59

I would end it with him, and ethically I think the girlfriend needs to know. There is a baby in the picture for her so she'll need to get her literal and metaphorical house (and sexual health..) in order, without her cheating boyfriend.

Original poster
Damaged27 · 30/01/2024 23:59

Quitelikeit · 30/01/2024 23:57

I think there’s something quite soy and uncouth about him having sexual relations with you when he was supposedly committed to someone else and didn’t tell you

Do you have children together?

Do you think he was cheating on you too?

No we don't have children together. I didn't think so but wouldn't be surprised now

OP posts:
CustardySergeant · 31/01/2024 00:00

ChedderGorgeous · 30/01/2024 23:44

How do you know the baby isn't yours?

What on earth are you talking about? How can it be hers?

Original poster
Damaged27 · 31/01/2024 00:01

TooBigForMyBoots · 30/01/2024 23:55

You are not FWB. You are the woman he is having an affair with.

I had know idea about the other woman the deal was fwb

OP posts:
Raffington55 · 31/01/2024 00:01

Do NOT tell her. You sound angry but don't take it out on her. If he's your ex I suspect you knew he wasn't trustworthy and that you might not be entirely surprised that he's with someone. The bit that gives it away is where you say "we are both free to do what we like". Why would you say that? I suspect what you didn't know about was the pregnancy, which means he's unlikely to leave her for you. Your mess. But for God's sake don't tell her. She hasn't behaved badly. That would be very cruel of you.

RockyRogue1001 · 31/01/2024 00:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
Damaged27 · 31/01/2024 00:03

2024GarlicCloves · 30/01/2024 23:56

Oof, hope you're feeling okay Flowers

I can hear him now: "@Damaged27 is upset because she had to have an abortion, now she's found out I'm having a baby with you, she's all hormonal and desperate! She was always jealous anyway, she's lying to split us up."

Thankyou I'm ok it's been hard.
Exactly this, this is what cheaters do

OP posts:
JVC24601 · 31/01/2024 00:04

I despair at people saying to turn a blind eye.

He shouldn’t have put you in this position, but he’s clearly not going to tell her and she absolutely has a right to know. Anyone ultimately saying that it’s ok to cheat on as long as she don’t find out clearly has very warped morals.

I cannot imagine how people genuinely seem to believe that “no good can come of it”. Oh, I don’t know, maybe a fellow woman can get out of a deceitful relationship with a cheating dickhead? That sounds pretty good to me.

Or would these people be ok with being cheated on as long as they never have to hear about it? Nuts.

Please tell her. She has a right to be informed about what he’s doing with his dick, so she can make an informed choice on how to proceed.

In my eyes, not telling her would be to condone his cheating, and that would then make you more like a sordid affair partner than an innocent party.

Original poster
Damaged27 · 31/01/2024 00:05

Raffington55 · 31/01/2024 00:01

Do NOT tell her. You sound angry but don't take it out on her. If he's your ex I suspect you knew he wasn't trustworthy and that you might not be entirely surprised that he's with someone. The bit that gives it away is where you say "we are both free to do what we like". Why would you say that? I suspect what you didn't know about was the pregnancy, which means he's unlikely to leave her for you. Your mess. But for God's sake don't tell her. She hasn't behaved badly. That would be very cruel of you.

I am angry, but I also haven't behaved badly I knew nothing about it this is all him

OP posts:
JVC24601 · 31/01/2024 00:09

Raffington55 · 31/01/2024 00:01

Do NOT tell her. You sound angry but don't take it out on her. If he's your ex I suspect you knew he wasn't trustworthy and that you might not be entirely surprised that he's with someone. The bit that gives it away is where you say "we are both free to do what we like". Why would you say that? I suspect what you didn't know about was the pregnancy, which means he's unlikely to leave her for you. Your mess. But for God's sake don't tell her. She hasn't behaved badly. That would be very cruel of you.

Exactly, his girlfriend, to the best of our knowledge, hasn’t behaved badly. Why on Earth would hiding his cheating from her benefit her?! It benefits him and massively, massively disadvantages her.

Can you honestly say that if your partner was cheating you’d want to be deliberately kept in the dark about it under some bizarre guise of sparing your feelings?

She has a right to know when she’s at risk of STDs, and she has a right to know whether her partner is faithful so SHE can make the best decision for her. It’s not up to others to decide what’s best for her and hide the truth.

WandaWonder · 31/01/2024 00:10

How on earth does anyone have time to have children with all this shagging going on, I think you all deserve each other

Original poster
Damaged27 · 31/01/2024 00:12

WandaWonder · 31/01/2024 00:10

How on earth does anyone have time to have children with all this shagging going on, I think you all deserve each other

What are you talking about I have done nothing wrong

OP posts:
Redglitter · 31/01/2024 00:14

ChedderGorgeous · 30/01/2024 23:44

How do you know the baby isn't yours?

Whaaaat. Well this took a strange turn

Ramalangadingdong · 31/01/2024 00:19

ChedderGorgeous · 30/01/2024 23:44

How do you know the baby isn't yours?

Wait, what?! Did I miss something?

Crumpleton · 31/01/2024 00:22

Where not together and free to do whatever with whoever

I had know idea about the other woman the deal was fwb

As you say, and knew, your relationship with him was just FWB, free to do whatever with whoever.

You weren't exclusive to him and him not exclusive to you so he doesn't need to tell you about his other relationships.

They also could be FWB but this OW got pregnant and has decided to keep the baby.

Fluffyfleece · 31/01/2024 00:23

You're not important though, just leave it.

girlfriend44 · 31/01/2024 00:25

What a mess, why dosent everyone stop shagging around it's not bringing happiness.

tty · 31/01/2024 00:25

Id want to know, tell her

newfriend05 · 31/01/2024 00:27

This all sounds very messy .. you were pregnant with someone else's baby he's got another girl pregnant sounds like you're both as bad as one another to me.. haven't either of you heard of safe sex.. especially if you're sleeping with multiple people

Original poster
Damaged27 · 31/01/2024 00:27

Crumpleton · 31/01/2024 00:22

Where not together and free to do whatever with whoever

I had know idea about the other woman the deal was fwb

As you say, and knew, your relationship with him was just FWB, free to do whatever with whoever.

You weren't exclusive to him and him not exclusive to you so he doesn't need to tell you about his other relationships.

They also could be FWB but this OW got pregnant and has decided to keep the baby.

Their not fwb there in a relationship. Just because where only fwb there's still rules that go with that. Yes he can sleep with whoever he wants without telling me, but no he can't get in a serious relationship with another woman and start a family with her without telling me

OP posts:
Babla · 31/01/2024 00:30

I only found out yesterday and we haven't had sex in over a week as iv been recovering from an abortion (not his baby) so no not still shagging him

So you were shagging your ex and someone else at the same time and got pregnant?!!!

Original poster
Damaged27 · 31/01/2024 00:30

newfriend05 · 31/01/2024 00:27

This all sounds very messy .. you were pregnant with someone else's baby he's got another girl pregnant sounds like you're both as bad as one another to me.. haven't either of you heard of safe sex.. especially if you're sleeping with multiple people

I wasn't in a relationship with the person I got pregnant by. He is in a relationship with this woman

OP posts:
beetr00 · 31/01/2024 00:31

Damaged27 · 31/01/2024 00:12

What are you talking about I have done nothing wrong

Show quote history

But... now you know, he has a pregnant girlfriend. Why would you want to "punish" her? By telling her.

HE is the arsehole. Why some women feel the need to inflict pain on another, unsuspecting, woman baffles me :(

Raise your bar @Damaged27 stop seeing him! !

Crumpleton · 31/01/2024 00:31

but no he can't get in a serious relationship with another woman and start a family with her without telling me

He already did.
And has been for the past year.

Original poster
Damaged27 · 31/01/2024 00:32

Babla · 31/01/2024 00:30

I only found out yesterday and we haven't had sex in over a week as iv been recovering from an abortion (not his baby) so no not still shagging him

So you were shagging your ex and someone else at the same time and got pregnant?!!!

It's fwb we are not in a relationship we are allowed to sleep with other people

OP posts: