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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is an unfair bill split?

241 replies

Willow39 · 30/01/2024 21:03

Hi all.
I am a full time student who is also working full time. I earn £1200pm after tax. I'm a trainee teacher and have to work as a TA full time during my course so I'm stuck for options work wise.

My partner and I have just moved into an apartment with rent of £1300pm. Bills are circa £400pm so £1700 all in to run it. The flat is nothing special and price is because we are in London.

I contribute £800 which is just under 50% of everything, leaving me £75 a week disposable income after my personal bills.

However, my partner earns significantly more than me at circa £3000pm

I'm in a sticky situation where I agreed to this bill share when we moved in and now I'm really left in the shit. I can just about pay for fuel and food for the week if I'm careful.

I have tried to bring this up to him and he just gets angry saying that I'm going back on everything and that it's my fault that I chose to go to university and take my career path. He told me I should get a second job to support myself but I can't manage even more hours on top of one full time job and full time university...

Any advice on how to handle it with him?

OP posts:
Spacecowboys · 31/01/2024 12:56

In a relationship of two years, where you are renting and only one of you is on the rental agreement, there are no children involved and no long term relationship plans, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to have agreed to split housing costs 50/50, despite one person being a lower earner. What I find strange is that he doesn’t even feel like treating you to your nails done! He has a much higher disposable income than you and if he never wants to treat you, I’d be worried about what a potential future with him would look like. I suspect that you’d be contributing 50/50 on maternity leave. If possible I would move back to your parents and leave him with 100% of the costs.

Ponderingwindow · 31/01/2024 12:59

in hindsight, you should have insisted on finding a place you could actually afford.

I had a similar situation with a boyfriend, I made it very simple, we could live by my means for everything, or we could work out a concrete plan that let us live together closer to the level he preferred. He chose to subsidize me because he didn’t want a spartan life and I absolutely refused to stress my budget.

if your boyfriend isn’t so inclined and you aren’t on the lease, I would move back to your parents or find a house share you can actually afford.

as for your nails, I am a biter too. It’s an ASD thing for me. I just doing my nails at home to keep from biting. Never bite if my nails are done. There are many options. I personally like the nail wraps. They are cheap and easy to do. Semi-cured gel is also good, a bit more pricey, but not bad. And honestly, press on nails are back and reusable if you take care of them. My dd is all about the press on nails. She says most come with inferior glue so she buys that separately.

you already have a job and are in school. I wouldn’t be trying to add in more work. You should be focusing on your education, not trying to meet the budget set by some man who doesn’t appreciate you trying to make something of yourself.

longtompot · 31/01/2024 13:40

Willow39 · 31/01/2024 08:50

I have 2 years until I qualify then I'll be on 30k. Yes I can move back home but I doubt my parents would be too keen as they've finally got an empty nest and loving it... I'm talking to them today

If my child told me this was how their 'partner' was treating then, I would invite them to move back home and help them with it, until they had finished their course. I hope yours will be the same to you. I'm not saying I'd not miss having the house just to me and my dh but I wouldn't be happy knowing this was happening to one of my children.

SinnerBoy · 31/01/2024 13:44

I agree, get out ASAP. As already suggested, find a house share and don't wait and dither. He's a total waste, can you imaging your situation if you decide to have kids? You'll have nothing from him and he'll blame you for needing him to pay the bills.

He's a mean, tight-fisted sponger.

Bluenotgreen · 31/01/2024 13:47

Well he really cocked up not putting you on the tenancy. It means you can just walk away and he will have to pay it all from his salary.

Tight fisted arsehole.

Go back to your parents.

SinnerBoy · 31/01/2024 13:48

Bluenotgreen · Today 13:47

Well he really cocked up not putting you on the tenancy. It means you can just walk away and he will have to pay it all from his salary.

Oh yes, good point. He deserves it.

Original poster
Willow39 · 31/01/2024 13:53

SleepingBeautySnores · 30/01/2024 23:50

OP, on the subject of biting your nails, I am in my 60's and apart from a very short spell when I was younger, I have ALWAYS bitten my nails. Then, I was on MN one night, and saw a post by someone asking for help to stop biting her nails. She had posted a picture, and quite honestly her nails looked really sore, and quite revolting, just like my own. She was desperate to stop, and like you and ME, had tried EVERYTHING. There was the usual advice given, but people like you and I know that even these things that taste disgusting really don't work, as you get used to the taste, no matter how bad it is. Then someone suggested 'tapping'. I'd never heard of it as a cure for nail biting, and wondered how the hell something like that could stop you biting your nails, I even thought maybe they'd responded to the wrong post, but the reader included a link about it, and as I too was desperate to stop biting, I decided to give it a try. I'm afraid I can't find the post or the same video now, but if you Google 'tapping to stop nail biting', I'm sure you'll find lots of videos on YouTube about it. Basically the idea is that you replace the habit of nail biting with tapping. I know, it sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? But to my absolute amazement, it worked!! Initially, I just started tapping my chest every time I noticed myself biting, not quite like the video showed, but my own version of it, and over a period of weeks, my nails actually started to grow. There were no whites for a long time, as I'd bitten them so badly that I was more or less biting my fingers as there was not much left of the nail to bite. I armed myself with several glass nail files, and put one in every room, plus one in my car, and one in my bag, and every single time I felt a slight catch where my nails were starting to grow, and where previously I would have bitten them, I would file the catchy bit off, until it was smooth again. It's taken probably about 3 months, but I actually painted my nails for the second time tonight, and not just with a clear polish, but a colour that actually shows up. I am, as you can imagine, extremely proud of myself. I'd highly recommend giving it a try, after all, what have you got to lose, it doesn't cost a penny, unlike all the other methods you and I have tried over the years, and if it worked for me, it just might work for you. If so, I'd love you to DM me and let me know. Good luck.

Oh, as to the other thing, I too strongly recommend ditching this guy, and going back to live with your parents, assuming they live close enough to your current working life to make this feasible.

Thank you for this lovely message and taking the time to write it. I will try this thank you very much!

OP posts:
rosesinmygarden · 31/01/2024 13:54

YANBU the bill split is unfair.

He doesn't sound very kind.

Option 1: Find somewhere else to live.

Option 2: Earn some extra money. You could tutor a couple of hours a week and charge at least £30ph. More once you're a qualified teacher. It's very easy and much better paid than TA work or most other part time jobs. Plus, you're already DBSed which will appeal to parents.

Muchof · 31/01/2024 14:06

I honestly can’t make up my mind on this one. I am all for shared finances and me and DH have been that way for as long as I can remember. But he is your boyfriend not husband and I am not sure he should have to subsidise you at this point.

What would you do if you hadn’t met him? You would have had to work out how you would support yourself on £1200 a month in London. Presumably you would have chosen a cheaper place to live and study. I think as you are not on the tenancy you need to do that now.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/01/2024 15:34

Muchof · 31/01/2024 14:06

I honestly can’t make up my mind on this one. I am all for shared finances and me and DH have been that way for as long as I can remember. But he is your boyfriend not husband and I am not sure he should have to subsidise you at this point.

What would you do if you hadn’t met him? You would have had to work out how you would support yourself on £1200 a month in London. Presumably you would have chosen a cheaper place to live and study. I think as you are not on the tenancy you need to do that now.

I agree.

It probably doesn’t sound like he’s a keeper, but I really wouldn’t be expecting a fairly new boyfriend to support me financially for a whole degree course (is it another 2 years 8 months left?) when that clearly wasn’t what was agreed. You can’t make him pay more so you can pay less. You couldn’t have said no, and told him you’d stay living at home whilst doing your degree.

WillowBarkTree · 31/01/2024 15:41

I was initially on the fence, because if you are a relatively new couple then I don’t think you need to share finances; however, I then saw you raised concerns and he pushed you to agree. You are paying half the rent and bills but not on tenancy agreement. I’m struggling to understand why you and him together would reduce affordability (most landlords like being able to go after more than one person). You would be considered a lodger and as such should be making a contribution but in my view not 50/50. He’s got to live in a flat he likes for 50%. Who does the cleaning, cooking and shopping?

Makeitmakesensetoday · 31/01/2024 15:47

Willow39 · 31/01/2024 08:50

I have 2 years until I qualify then I'll be on 30k. Yes I can move back home but I doubt my parents would be too keen as they've finally got an empty nest and loving it... I'm talking to them today

You're their child. Tell them what you've told us they'll soon want you home. He sounds awful.

GabriellaMontez · 31/01/2024 15:53

Leave as soon as you can afford it. Don't get pregnant. You don't want to be tied to this man. Sounds like he's positively enjoying your struggle.

lateatwork · 31/01/2024 16:01

Yabu

You don't have shared finances or children.

It's a 50/50 split of household costs and you aren't taking on any additional responsibilities (IE child rearing ,/ household tasks).

If that leaves you with only £75 a month, then earn more, or move back home.

If you want more of a commitment as round finances, that's a different discussion.

Daisy12Maisie · 31/01/2024 16:27

I thought the nail thing was really unkind. I don't get my nails done but considering it stops you biting your nails and you were in pain it seems more than reasonable. Either he should have paid for them or realised you didn't have enough money for any little things you wanted/ needed because of the set up. It doesn't need to be exactly equal but it's not kind for one part of a "couple" to watch the other struggle. I would start looking for a cheaper house share for when your lease is up. Tell him you can't afford to keep living there and as he knows you have been financially struggling. Then move out. He isn't long term relationship material.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/01/2024 16:29

I would start looking for a cheaper house share for when your lease is up.

The OP isn’t on the lease, she could leave tomorrow and live anywhere else she wants to.

What do you plan to do, @Willow39 ? Is it September 26 you would begin to earn a teacher salary? Is it a 3 year course?

78Summer · 31/01/2024 16:36

He does not sound very nice or kind. I would question the relationship. He should be supporting your career path and goals.

Muchof · 31/01/2024 17:00

78Summer · 31/01/2024 16:36

He does not sound very nice or kind. I would question the relationship. He should be supporting your career path and goals.

I have supported my husband financially in the past and there have been other times when he has supported me, in fact he did when I went back to FT education. I totally believe in sharing finances in well established long term relationships.

I would love to see the thread when (I assume) a relatively young woman is told, when her boyfriend makes a unilateral decision to go back to study, that she should be supporting his career and goals by paying most of the bills and treating him to beauty treatments every five weeks.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/01/2024 17:32

I would love to see the thread when (I assume) a relatively young woman is told, when her boyfriend makes a unilateral decision to go back to study, that she should be supporting his career and goals by paying most of the bills and treating him to beauty treatments every five weeks.

Yep, it’s not going to happen, is it!

OP chose to leave the financial safety of her parents’ house to move to expensive accommodation in London whilst she worked a part-time minimum wage job and trained to be a teacher. If it’s not working out, then it’s time to either earn more, move into cheaper student accommodation or go back home. Deciding your boyfriend should just pay more, isn’t a plan. No matter if 30 people on the internet say he should/could pay more or their boyfriend paid more, he is well within his rights to say, ‘no, that’s not what we agreed’. The OP didn’t have to move in with him-nobody forced her.

LorlieS · 31/01/2024 17:36

@Shinyandnew1 I guess things also depend on what they both agreed before they moved in together?

ForgottenWhyImHere · 31/01/2024 17:41

I can see both sides of the shared finances issue.

You could get a room as a lodger for £800/month with all bills included. You could probably find somewhere for less.

On the nails, I just wanted to say that I bit mine for 30+ years. I finally stopped when I separated from my ex. I'd been biting them long before I met him, but it was only once I knew I didn't actually have to stay married to him that I managed to stop (we were together 19 years). Still have the occasional lapse, but my nails are never anything like the state they used to be.

So maybe leaving your boyfriend would help solve that issue.

Shinyandnew1 · 31/01/2024 17:44

LorlieS · 31/01/2024 17:36

@Shinyandnew1 I guess things also depend on what they both agreed before they moved in together?

Well, in the OP it says that I'm in a sticky situation where I agreed to this bill share when we moved in, so I’m presuming they agreed to this before they moved in but the OP has changed her mind.

It’s ok to change your mind, but that might mean the OP has to make changes (move back home, get a higher paid job, move into a student house etc) rather than it automatically being the case that the boyfriend just ‘pays more’ as the solution.

barkymcbark · 31/01/2024 17:52

He either splits the bills fairly or you leave, it's a simple as that. It's a good thing your name isn't on the tenancy as you can move out whenever you please

LorlieS · 31/01/2024 17:58

@Shinyandnew1 I see. Well no, if she decided on one agreement with him and now is unilaterally deciding on another that's not fair.
I'm going back to uni pt in September and certainly don't expect my husband to fund me!!

user1471538283 · 31/01/2024 18:02

If you were mine and whether or not your bf was subsidising you I would want you home. You cannot afford to live where you are and I wouldn't want you in an unequal situation with a bf.

If he won't move to somewhere you can afford speak to your DPs and go home or a house share that you can afford.