To think this is an unfair bill split?

[Willow39]

Hi all.
I am a full time student who is also working full time. I earn £1200pm after tax. I'm a trainee teacher and have to work as a TA full time during my course so I'm stuck for options work wise.

My partner and I have just moved into an apartment with rent of £1300pm. Bills are circa £400pm so £1700 all in to run it. The flat is nothing special and price is because we are in London.

I contribute £800 which is just under 50% of everything, leaving me £75 a week disposable income after my personal bills.

However, my partner earns significantly more than me at circa £3000pm

I'm in a sticky situation where I agreed to this bill share when we moved in and now I'm really left in the shit. I can just about pay for fuel and food for the week if I'm careful.

I have tried to bring this up to him and he just gets angry saying that I'm going back on everything and that it's my fault that I chose to go to university and take my career path. He told me I should get a second job to support myself but I can't manage even more hours on top of one full time job and full time university...

Any advice on how to handle it with him?

LGB and from a fellow former nail biter, coat the ends of your fingers in anti-biting solution for a week or so until you've beaten the habit.

LTB I mean!

I was in a similar situation in the past. My partner was doing teacher training and working in a school on a low wage, and I was earning more (although not what your partner is earning). We split rent costs proportionally to our income.

I didn't love it (as it was my partner's choice to do further training, and they also had a lot of holiday/short working hours and chose not to earn during these).

But, I saw it as an investment in our future whereby my partner would eventually earn more and we would adjust accordingly. I also fundamentally didn't want my partner to struggle while I had more cash. We also would not have afforded to live where we did if I didn't pay extra.

I do think that your partner was unreasonable to push you into this.

I think really you should both have either lived somewhere else where you could both easily afford half the rent, or adjust how much you each put in to make the situation workable for both of you.

I let concerns me that your partner clearly knows you can't afford this (and told the landlord this) but has pressured you into this arrangement.

You could move out tomorrow and you wouldn't be liable for rent, though! Something to consider!

In what universe is 2 years ‘a relatively new couple’?

Bin him. You’ll be skint the second you go on maternity leave.

I am from abroad but in all of my friends lives and my own, the man always earned more and paid the whole thing. It only makes sense you want to pay a percentage but should be the correct percentage. A man is meant to love and protect a woman with ( some say, old fashioned ) idea, one day he will be the father, you the mother of kids and you won't be able to work and pay even a percentage. The idea was ( I hope still is ), that men would love their wives and offspring and provide for them, build estate without any selfish notion

No one who actually loves you would see you struggle that much, even and £50/week would make the difference for you and he is not prepared to do it. I know plenty of women who support their male partners 100% through training, unemployment etc so that gender argument is nonsense. When you love someone you help them if they need it. Also I hope you are not paying 50% of the food, in my experience men eat loads (and cost) more.

But the good thing is, you know this now, before you are committed and trapped with children. If you can find cheaper acom move out, move home if that doesnt seem to bad and is possible, you could save money there. If not, then maybe carry on as you are, but know its going nowhere. Don't forget the lesson he is teaching you about him, he does not have your back.

@MamaAlwaysknowsbest This isn't 1900!!

Move back home and bin the bastard off. He doesn't love you or even like you to treat you this way.

Assuming your parents care about you, they will absolutely want you to move back home with them rather than stay with someone who mistreats you. I moved back home when a live in relationships went wrong. It happened when my parents were away on holiday and my sister was coming home from uni so they went away leaving an empty nest and came home to the two of us moved back in😂

Well this is perfect, leave ASAP!

Just go back to your mums. See how he likes paying for a flat he can’t afford. He’s awful. He won’t understand why you have gone so be prepared for the backlash blaming you for being a selfish monster and leaving him with all the bills.

I think the fact that you agreed to how costs would be split before you moved in means you need to pay. If your bf offers to pay for some treats like takeaways, dates, holidays etc I'd be inclined to stay.
What was you paying before? That doesn't sound an awful lot per person and you have to live somewhere. Also have £75 left over isn't so bad. A lot of people don't have that.

I don't think your bf is a keeper, imagine the shit you will be in of you had a baby with him.

Get yourself back to your parents till you finish your course.

Not even on the tenancy? I would pack up and leave tomorrow then. Leave him to it - tell him you can’t afford to stay. Soz.

😂😂

Yeh, definitely leave the fucking bastard, I'd nick back in with your folks if I were you.

It is absolutely illogical for a couple in a committed relationship to split bills almost 50:50 when one person is earning 2.5x more and the other is absolutely skint from trying to matching that with their contribution. A partnership means you support each other, but he’s clearly begrudging paying £100 more and certainly will be in a strop if he’s asked to chip in another £100.

You aren’t flatmates. He should see this as a short term thing where you both invest in your joint future while you train in a profession and get career prospects. He has a very weird take on this, as if he blames you for doing a degree and working full time: somehow it’s your fault for bettering yourself - tough luck if you’re skint

If he won’t be anything other than rigid and stingy with his money then his attitude does not bode well for anything such as maternity leave or part-time work later on, if you need to do either of those things for your family. You’ll never be able to do a masters because you’ll be made to feel like a sponger.

Honestly, I have no idea if he’s great in other ways but I’d be thinking of leaving him to pay full whack in his flat given he’s on the tendency agreement. What a selfish mean guy.

Honestly, you needed to be honest and firm from the start.

When I was with my ex, we had discussed moving in (we never did though). He basically wanted a 50:50 split as well, despite me earning around 1k less per month and having more bills (for childcare as I was a single mum)

We looked at houses hypothetically and I had a budget in mind and he kept going over it. I just kept insisting definitely NOT if it was going to be 50:50 and if he wanted that standard of living, he would need to cough up more for the privilege.

Thing is, they want a lifestyle they cannot afford and are more than happy to watch their "partner" struggle for it.

He rented somewhere significantly cheaper alone, because he and only he was responsible for the bills. Which I think spoke volumes.

He wasnt great with money either, constantly in overdraft etc.

It was one of many red flags that in the end, I ended the relationship.

Very much true colours. It should be based on % not split 50/50 as partners. He's leaving you in a vulnerable position.

He is treating you like the poorer flatmate. Definitely a big red flag. Imagine how it would be if you had young children and earned significantly less. Look around MN there's loads of awful situations women are in where the balance of power is off b/c of the way typically the man who earns more behaves. Now they have dc and are stuck.

As a partner of 2 years he should be supporting your goals and being fair around contributions to bills and rent. Time to make a priority of your future self and end it.

@Willow39 how are things? X

You earn £1200 after tax. He earns around £3k - have you quote his before or after tax figure?
Do You see any further in this relationship because your inability to communicate as a couple stands out. Does he see you as trying to take advantage of him - the lack of trust this suggests is problematic too. Is he behaving like this to control you? He might not understand the significance of your feelings about your nails, he may just think you are being overly concerned about something that doesn’t matter. So many potential red flags that need to be resolved, it doesn’t bode well.

Please do not set yourself up to have a miserable life, you will be the one skint and sacrificing whilst on mat leave while he's being selfish with his money and stress free. Do not underestimate the stress financial problems cause. My exh was selfish and terrible with money and here we are

I’d rather live in a houseshare than subsidise this cunt to live in a flat that he bullied you into.

Please leave him, Op.

A room in a shared house in London could cost as much and exclude household bills. I would stay and complete your course before leaving him, unless he’s unbearable.
You know he would be awful if you had children together; he’s not a keeper for sure.

My advice would to not marry or have children with this person. When you do it to life you have to work as a team. Seeing how he is now suggests he wouldn't be financially supportive or you having maternity leave it part time working to raise any children.

When I met my husband and we moved in together we split all money and bills equally (I was the high earner then). Now we are married and have two DC he warns 5 times my salary and any money is family money.

He's not the man for you. Shout 'percentages' loudly and leave him. Rent somewhere else or your life will be a misery. Do it.

Why is everyone going on about maternity leave? The op hasn't mentioned kids and has two years of studying before qualifying.

Presumably before having a baby she'd assess her finances and have a conversation with the baby's father about how it would all be paid for. If he wasn't offering a satisfactory arrangement then she has the choice not to do it, as she had the choice not to move in with him.

My DP earned a bit more than me in the early years, now I earn a bit more than him. We've always done fifty fifty bill split, I wouldn't enjoy spending my disposable income if it was subsidised. Everyone's different though, if you prefer a proportional split then the time to say so is before moving in.