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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mums, is this weird or am I being weird?

619 replies

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 30/01/2024 20:27

Hi, I don't know if neighbour is weird or if I'm just being silly?

I also don't have any children or huge experience with them. I asked a mom friend and think she is still laughing at me!!!

I don't know my neighbours well other than to wave and say hello in passing. I don't even know their names or they mine. I suspect they don't have family nearby.

This evening I get knock on the door. Male neighbour and his little girl. It's clear little girl (5/6) is a little upset. Mum is pregnant and due in 2 weeks and has been taken to hospital for observation. Don't have full story but iron & blood pressure issues.

The man has asked if I can do his daughter's hair every morning for school as he can't plait it. Little girl has gorgeous long hair she always wears in a plait. He can't plait it.

In awkwardness, I tried to show him how. I think he has bigger things on his mind as he didn't really want to learn, just wants me to do it. Anyway I have agreed to plait it every morning while mum is in hospital once his daughter is here at a certain time. What else could I say?

Is this normal and ok? Will the mum be ok with it? Should kids that age not be able to do it themselves? Could he not just put it in a ponytail?

Please tell me it's normal and I'm just overthinking it. I'm not usually awkward but this has thrown me for some reason. I don't know these people.

OP posts:
OurfriendsintheNE · 30/01/2024 21:43

Sometimes people have different strengths
Yeah my husband is a lot better at me at putting on voices for the kids’ bedtime stories. If he was in hospital I sure as hell wouldn’t be approaching male neighbours I didn’t really know to fill in, or do any other parenting task. This isn’t about personal strengths, it’s about gendered tasks. Women don’t outsource caring tasks to the nearest available man. Men shouldn’t either.

QueSyrahSyrah · 30/01/2024 21:53

I've read this thread to DH and he's declared that if our forthcoming baby is a girl he's going to start practicing doing plaits on me Grin (he already knows how to do ponytails from the Instagram reel of the Dad with the Hoover nozzle apparently GrinGrin)

OP I'd do exactly the same as you to help a neighbour out. We recently had unexpected but very much appreciated help from a previously unknown neighbour so I'd be glad to pay it forward.

To a PP upthread, yes it's possible to do a french plait on yourself, with practice! I'm better at a french on myself than on someone else in fact.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 30/01/2024 21:53

Hmmmmaybe · 30/01/2024 20:35

Of course he could learn to do it - he can’t be fucking bothered.

he’s just decided that you a RANDOM WOMAN WHO IS A STRANGER should do the Labour of looking after his own chilS because he chat be bothered

id do it because I’d it for the little girl - but that is why men get away with this shit

i would ask him lots of specific questions about why he is incapable of doing such a simple task

Or maybe he doubts his abilities and wants his daughter to feel like her hair has been done nicely? Many people, myself included, are cack handed. Why the aggression when it could be entirely his way of looking out for his little girl while mum is in hospital?

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 30/01/2024 21:53

Hmmmmaybe · 30/01/2024 20:36

It’s not harmless by the way - it’s attitudes like this which is why women are exploited the world over

imagibe how crap he would be to his wife

Melodramatic much?! 🙄

Freakinfraser · 30/01/2024 21:55

I’d do this, the little girls mum is in hospital,she wants her hair done a certain way, as many kids do, she’s scared about her mum and hurting, absolutely I’d help her.

im shocked at rhe people who would turn their backs.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 30/01/2024 21:55

AnglepoisePond · 30/01/2024 20:42

Deeply weird. Well, not so much weird as a combination of helpless and entitled.

’Hi, virtual stranger whose name I don’t even know, I’m so unashamed at my own incompetence at performing a basic daily childcare task for my child in the absence of my wife that I’m prepared to ask you to do it every single day, and I’m ignoring your demonstration because I don’t want to learn, I want you to do it.’

Jesus, give the guy a break. He's probably got a lot on his plate and he's trying to do the best by his daughter.

SaulHudsonDavidJones · 30/01/2024 21:58

Kastri · 30/01/2024 21:13

This could be the beginning of him outsourcing childcare/housework/babysitting to you.
Be wary and be prepared to say no as it can escalate quickly.

😂 Get a grip

JMSA · 30/01/2024 22:06

My mum couldn't do a French plait so my friend's mum would do it in the playground before they let us in, if I wanted one that day 🤷‍♀️ ots not that weird.

Umm, yes, your mum's friend. A but different to a total stranger then.

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 30/01/2024 22:07

Out of interest can your DH do them now?

This was a very recent thing so not yet (recent weeks), but he is practising. He can now do pig tails with a straight parting, which he learnt to do while I was in hospital. He isn't very dexterous bless him so that's an achievement in itself.

thaegumathteth · 30/01/2024 22:08

When I had to suddenly leave because my dad was dying I had to leave my then 5 year old daughter with her dad.

I don't know how awful her hair looked but I do know another mum came and offered to do her hair for her in the playground....

SoooSoSo · 30/01/2024 22:13

I feel bad, my dds went to primary school with plain pony tails and came home with messy hairdos after lots of running around. They have pretty well kept hair since secondary.

WetBandits · 30/01/2024 22:19

Not everyone can plait hair! My Mum can’t, no matter how many times I’ve tried to teach her (not even a simple 3-strand plait!) so I just never had plaits as a child 😂 perhaps her Dad has tried but just can’t get the hang of it and it’s upsetting his DD. I imagine he’s got a bit more than learning to plait on his plate at the moment, and the little girl may well have said that she saw OP in the lift and that she had nice plaits!

I made DP learn to plait my hair when I had shoulder surgery as I couldn’t do my own, he mastered those but still can’t do a ponytail 😅

I’ve plaited random children’s hair before now, I worked with a man who was telling me that his kids had a show that evening and neither he nor his wife could plait. I mentioned that I could (as he knew, and he probably brought it up because I had my hair in plaits 😂) so his wife brought three little girls in for a plaiting session after work. I didn’t mind!

NobilityScooter · 30/01/2024 22:25

My DH couldn't plait and I had to leave for work before our DDs were up and ready. So he watched YouTube and taught himself. Now of course he's not as good as me but he hasn't had 30 years of practice!

Perhaps the dad has other things on his mind and hopes it's a temporary thing and his wife will do it when she's better. But learning couldn't do him any harm!

WholeHog · 30/01/2024 22:37

My suspicious mind did wonder if the parents had come up with a cunning plan to build up the little girl's relationship with you, just in time for you to emergency babysit if the birth doesn't fall in school hours, and then help them out once the new baby arrives with childcare/plaiting/whatever. But if you're willing and able to help it could all be quite beautiful.

TheSnakeCharmer · 30/01/2024 22:42

It would be a weird thing for a mum to do, particularly asking a stranger to be in close proximity to their child. However, as men are a bit useless, it's not altogether surprising that he's asked you. I think that it's really sweet that you've agreed to do it and you might develop a nice rapport with the girl and her family. It's one way to meet your neighbours at least.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2024 22:44

I would guess the little girl is upset about her mother being in hospital and a new sibling coming to usurp her and things generally not feeling quite right. So she is expressing her anxiety by saying "But who is going to plait my hair? I always have plaits. Mummy does my plaits. I won't go to school without my plaits."

Her father is distracted and instead of recognising that it's not about the plaits, he is trying to put out this fire by finding A Lady, because Ladies can do plaits.

Basically I would do the plaits because they are clearly under stress to even ask such an odd thing.

Hairspray123 · 30/01/2024 22:45

Yes its a bit odd as you dont know them, but its a very kind thing for you to do so just help out it wont hurt

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/01/2024 22:45

And yes, I see babysitting in your future if you are amenable to that.

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/01/2024 22:47

TheSnakeCharmer · 30/01/2024 22:42

It would be a weird thing for a mum to do, particularly asking a stranger to be in close proximity to their child. However, as men are a bit useless, it's not altogether surprising that he's asked you. I think that it's really sweet that you've agreed to do it and you might develop a nice rapport with the girl and her family. It's one way to meet your neighbours at least.

Men aren't useless, they are perfectly capable. Especially if they aren't enabled.

TheSnowyOwl · 30/01/2024 22:50

YouTube will teach him all he needs to know about plaiting hair and it’s very straightforward. DH manages fine when he has to get our DDs ready in the morning.

At the same time, if a neighbour asked me I wouldn’t have an issue doing it because I can appreciate that having hair a certain way can be a big deal for some children and a child whose mum isn’t at home and knows a baby will soon be joining them is going through a lot.

slithytoveisascientist · 30/01/2024 22:53

As a mum I don't think this is weird.

My DD is nine and can't do her own hair
Her dad and I aren't brilliant but I can at least do it presentably

I can imagine she would have a lot of anxiety over this if I was in hospital and it's the sort of thing that can be easily solved as your neighbour has done.

If you do it it's a nice thing and kind for the wee girl.

slithytoveisascientist · 30/01/2024 22:54

And some people just can't plait! So I'm not judging the dad. I can't French plait despite years of trying, and DH can plait but not tightly which some kids want.

SummerFeverVenice · 30/01/2024 22:56

It’s a bit odd, but it’s not too weird to ask a neighbour for a hand when your partner is in the hospital. His mind probably wasn’t on learning to plait right then and there while his wife is in hospital, gravely ill, pregnant, maybe losing the baby. I would have helped and tried to show him how when he is a little less stressed. It’s for the benefit of the little girl who must be worried about her mum and he is just trying to keep some sense of normalcy going.

I wouldn’t be lying in hospital suspecting my husband of starting an affair with a neighbour either because of this like a pp has said either.

Original poster
ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 30/01/2024 22:57

Thanks everyone.

I'm going to take it at face value. I really got a stressed vibe more than anything else and a pregnant women being kept in hospital unexpectedly has to be worrying.

I'd like to think people would help me if I needed it & ten minutes to do a child's hair isn't a big ask really.

Just hoping I do as good a job as her mum & she's happy with my plaiting.

I will post tomorrow to let you know how it goes.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
SummerFeverVenice · 30/01/2024 22:58

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/01/2024 22:47

Men aren't useless, they are perfectly capable. Especially if they aren't enabled.

Show quote history

Or worried out of any ability to focus because their pregnant wife is in hospital potentially losing a baby or worse.

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