MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

She is not nuts, she is heartbroken, BUT, she should never voice these things to you both and try to guilt trip, that is so wrong.
Tbh, if I was her, I would move to be nearer to your new home.

She sounds like she’s throwing a tantrum. Absolutely she might be upset, but your job as a parent is to support your child (however old they are) in the choices that they make that will enhance their lives as they see it.

By all means be upset but don’t try and curtail your childs life to get your own way. This is one solid way to drive your child away (as is happening here)

It’s sad for her but she’s being dramatic and unfair. 2 hours isn’t horrifically far away. Could she still do some childcare if she stayed overnight once a week? Or you could commit to spending the day with her in the first Saturday of every month. Maybe you could send her a message along the lines of this like ‘we know you are going to miss us and DD. We’ll have her booked into nursery every Thursday but any time you want to you can come stay over Wednesday night and have her for the day on Thursday’

OP, first off, are you sure you are not romanticising “home” - yes being close to your parents is nice, but if you have lived in a place for 11 years, your kids are there and you have presumably made friends, neighbours etc, what exactly is it that you are looking for in this “home” apart from your DP being close? Things may not be how you remember them.

Second, I do feel sorry for your MIL, though I understand your family choices should be yours as well. If your MIL is very close to your DD, and her reason of existence is the grandchildren, this may have a terrible effect on her mental health. My MIL died , yes, died, a few months after people dependent on her died (not us, other members of the family). It was almost as if she had nothing to live for anymore.... I dont want to catastrophise either, but just to let you see that sometimes, it really is a big deal for some elderly grandmothers...Difficult.

It’s quite clear that the only way this will go smoothly is if you murder her. Assuming you’re not up for that option, it would be best if you could find a way to put it out of your head altogether. This is energy you don’t need to waste

You know the alcoholics prayer? This is one of those things that you cannot change.

How far along are your plans? I wouldn’t be sharing them stage by stage. Just get a move on. And say as little as possible between now and moving day.

It may be a big deal, but she’s had OP’s only child all to herself for years where own mother hasn’t. Another one is on the way now and ppl are saying poor MIL missing out on the new baby - what about the OTHER DGM?! She’s been in this boat since the 1st DC was born - and it may have been her only DGC. Why the double standards? If MIL gets to dictate everything based on being old and possible poor mental health in the future, she’s been extremely lucky to get her own way for so long. She was most probably an insufferable spoilt child and learned this behaviour back then. Where will it end? What about OP’s mental health, her DH’s and her DM’s??

I can understand it must be very sad for her . My husband comes from a lovely area about an hours drive away and although I have a lot of ties here and couldn’t move , I wouldn’t mind living over that way . It’s never been a real prospect because I do have so many ties here and I wouldn’t want to move the children’s schools etc . However , I think if we ever did it would be my one child’s Nan that would be affected most and I don’t think I could do it to her. She looks at my child like her own - she does all school pick ups and drop offs to help me with work and she is amazing . She would be heartbroken and it would be such an upheaval for her and so distressing ( for my child too ) so I do understand how heartbreaking it must be for grandparents .

However , ultimately it’s your life! You are away from all your family and your child is young - moving now would be much less unsettling that having her start school and make friends and then move . As sad as it is for your MIL you have to think of your little family. She would get used to it.

I do think locking herself in a room and crying is very OTT and also unfair - sounds like emotional blackmail

Do all these granny’s and nans realise that knew the kids hit 13 they will rarely see them.!

There's more to the South of England than London don't you know? I'm down South and I have the same as you, good schools, National park on my doorstep and I wouldn't move up North if you paid me, so there you go😀

Why in threads about the south do people from the north randomly get triggered? Doesn’t seem to happen the other way. 😵‍💫

She sounds dramatic but equally I think she’s had your DD one day a week.. that’s a huge commitment for her (and your DD) and I wonder if you entered into that arrangement because it was conviennent for you maybe without thinking that actually it means they have a really close bond. And I am not surprised therefore your MIL is really upset about that changing. Yes it’s not too far but it’s not going to be the same for her. If you weren’t that close I’d say she’s being over the top but I can see why she is hurt.

Nor me….I don’t know why some people think anyone down South live in the middle of London lol

No way would I go North…😳

It’s interesting you say how lovely you find your husband’s former location but have decided categorically that you’re not going to move bc of the ties you have where you are. It sounds like you’re married to a very accommodating person.

Is your child’s Nan your mother?

Your story is my story but with a mil who let's her intentions and feelings known through more subtle and manipulative means but the message is loud and clear! I hated where we lived. I'm a country, welsh speaking girl. I'd had enough of the city, didn't want it for my kids. It was never my intention for ils to do any childcare although I was at times grateful for it.

We made our escape, although the distance was slightly less than yours so easily doable in under an hour but a world away from their life. A lot of people in our village speak Welsh and its very rural. Anyway, long story short...my inlaws literally can't cope outside their role of grandparents. They have no hobbies, are terrible and keeping up friendships, gave up on church and volunteering activities and are bored out of their minds. So putting aside their hatred for the countryside they are leaving their city lives and moving here so they 'don't have to miss out on anymore precious moments.' An offer has been made on a house. Don't feel too sorry for your mil. It sounds like she would also be capable of this!

I had a MIL just like this. In the early days we wanted to move 10 miles away and she created such a fuss my DP gave in and we bought in the same village. HUGE mistake. She was dominating interfering and wanted our baby all the time but then moaned about how she had no free time. I worked 2 long shifts then.
I got a childminder but she changed her focus. Constantly demanding my DP went to hers after work every day. We both had blue light jobs long shifts and didn’t see each other very often. I grew to resent this and eventually we parted.
she was instrumental in destroying us as a family.
Move as fast as you can where ever you want.

I get that she’s upset, but omg! The drama is ridiculous! Locking herself in her room to cry is so over the top. 1.5hr away is hardly the moon. My brother emigrated when his dc were 4 and 2. My parents, rather than being devastated and crying, they visited twice a year (poor brother was actually escaping them!)

To be clear, I never wanted her to look after her at all. In context, she was deeply upset that we chose to send DD to nursery at all and couldn’t believe she wouldn’t be having her the 4 days that I work. The 1 day a week was my compromise (and DH was happy we saved some money). I have never taken advantage of their childcare and if anything, resist it as much as I can. Because she spends all Monday with DD, I rarely make an effort to see her any other time, especially over the weekends.

I prefer the transactional nature of nursery; we pay them so can express our preferences. With MIL in particular, I have always had to tiptoe around her feelings and would much prefer we just saw her for fun things, days out etc, rather than her “looking after”. I actually think us moving would improve the time we spend with her… quality over quantity!

Tell her you're considering moving to Australia! Then she will be begging you to stay in UK.

Just-married we lived a 20 min. drive away from in-laws, in a studio they owned. It was more than an hour away from my family. Husband is an only child. In-laws were visiting véry often (let themselves in) and we were expected at theirs every sunday. Then I was pregnant, and we started to look for a bigger place. Drama! Meltdowns! And why didn't we move in with them? (Very tiny workman's house where mil's parentes also lived. 3 bedrooms divided by flimsy doorswith glass panels.) We decided to move to a place even further away and equally far away from my parents. Still very happy here - it's been 39 years 😊

You can be devastated that your grandchild is moving away without behaving like a child and using emotional blackmail to get your own way. No doubt she will miss her, just as her other grandparents miss her now.

OP I think you need to work on your boundaries.

what you are doing is fine, your husband is happy to do it.

you cannot control your MIL’s feelings and reactions about it.

you sound like you want to solve or fix her.

you won’t be able to, it would be a mistake to try.

you are however responsible for your own reactions to HER

i suggest you:

• give her time
• get your husband to point out how she’s being unreasonable
• perhaps offer one conversation yourself

then move. Think about what pattern of visiting would work for you? Day trip or overnight? Are you willing to always go ‘back’ to Kent or do you want to (try) to set a pattern where you take it in turns and she comes to your new place every other time?

when you move, set expectations step by step (so don’t say we’ll
come every month unless you are sure you can stick to that) say we’ll
visit for X event, or invite you for Y

try some things out and settle into a pattern. Be consistent and ignore her emotional blackmail.

my PILS try to be controlling. They are not British don’t live in the U.K. and don’t speak much English (DH move here aged 20 to escape them!).

they have tried all sorts since we had DC. Being firm in what we would do and want we wouldn’t and ignoring all their noise has been a study on how effective that can be.

10 years in we have patterns that work for us, and they have calmed down and settled into them as we and DC have decent time when we are together. They have a much better relationship with DC now than if we’d given in to their pressures.

you can’t make her like your choices. You can stand firm and carry on regardless, including detaching your own need to have her accept or approve of what you are choosing

I had this when we were moving. We did move and now we are settled and mil is fine. Your parents have a right to enjoy their grandchild while they are young too. It can’t all be about her.

Is CNN this her only son . She shouldn’t be such a Drama queen. She could always sell up and move to be closer to you when you move

That would be really strange in this instant

Are you me? We moved away. Big fall out - no drama llama but continual manipulation. Apparently We are now too far away - it’s less than an hour. She refused to babysit kids ever again (she very rarely did before) and that suits us fine. We can’t go there due to similar issues as you and there is no current way forward.

you just need to do what’s right for your family. And if you want to move, then move. You are beholden to no-one x