MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

If I understand this correctly, she's 69 and you are moving 1.5 to 2 hours away. Kent to Hampshire. I live that far from my mum and we live twice that and a bit more from DH's mum.

What's to stop her jumping in the car and visiting you whenever she wants? She could stay overnight surely.

I'm 63 @AnonRR. I think she's being utterly pathetic and deserves no air time.

At least she's been honest.

No, she's being melodramatic. The honest answer would be that she's enjoyed looking after DD and will miss her. DD will probably also miss her, but she's only going to be a couple of hours away at most. They could easily still see each other most weekends if they chose. She also has a husband that she could give some time to.

And yes, I am a MIL, and have looked after my grandchildren regularly, but I for one never wanted to build my life around them. That's even the case now that I am a widow.

Her reaction is real and related to her sense of missing you all and is totally understandable.
You have every right to move. You told her gently and she will be processing that for the next six months and feeling sad.

You can't do anything but stick to your plans and set up a guest bed for her. Stay nice. She loves you all.

For Christmas and birthdays you could buy her train tickets to see you and framed photos of the children.
I would also have a plan in place for when the new child arrives. Chances are that she will want to stay a week or so - so get in first and decide exactly the dates that suit you best of all, such as a week after DH has returned to work or whatever.

It will all work out fine. Your children have a bit of a Drama Queen as a grandmother, that's all.

Will your DD miss her? Does she love the attention that her grandmother provides?

Yes, make sure she is aware that her only worth to your "little family" is as a provider of free childcare.

Yes, it's the Mumsnet "my awful mother in law" script.

I agree too and I say this as someone who has lived 200 miles away from my family for 20+ years even though I’m close to them, and my whole family live in the same place. Is moving inbetween your hometowns really not an option, so you’re fairly close to both?

I understand she’s shocked, especially if there hadn’t been talk of it before (you say you’ve been too scared to broach it for years).

OP has stated that her MIL has said ‘don’t taaaaaaaaake my grandchildren awaaaaaaay from meeeeeeee’. I’ve merely brokered a solution to the heart ache. If OP’s MIL wants to break free of the family: this is her ideal opportunity.

I agree with this, I feel a bit sorry for her.

I would mention that DH has been offered a job in Australia. She will soon realise that 2 hours away is nothing.

Bereft is a feeling that should be saved for actual, permanent loss. It's not reasonable to feel it because your grandchild is moving a couple of hours drive away!
It's natural to be sad, to miss people, to wish they weren't moving. But all the weeping and wailing is selfish and manipulative. Does this woman ever think about the OP's family and that OP might like to see her own mum a bit more often after 11 years?

Oh how ridiculous. I don’t blame her exactly for feeling sad because it’ll be natural not to see you and her grandchildren so much but the shrieking and wailing would piss me off. And it’s not actually really that far.

It sounds like she never cut the apron strings from the time that you married your DH @AnonRR .

Sell your place and buy a bigger place.

Get your DH to say that she should be happy that he is out there doing his thing, spreading his wings and providing for his family and particularly in these financially troubling times that you can afford to do this but instead she is tainting the whole process and making it all about her.

He needs to show her that he has cut the apron strings even if she hasn't. He's ready to fly the nest and be the adult. I don't think she actually sees her son as a fully fledged adult yet. I believe that, even though you have kids, she still sees him very much as her little boy. That dynamic needs to change.

All of that said, either your DH or both of you need to sit with her and tell her "This is how it's going to happen and your tears are not appreciated or warranted here". Tell her that she is making things very uncomfortable in your house but that you will power through and still make it happen because you're brushing it off. You are determined to. Show her that her tears and her 'Woe is me' attitude is not landing with either of you and that you're not moving to Outer Mongolia, you're moving 2hrs up the road. You leave with the parting shot that this is going to happen, she has to find her own way to accept that and you will not hear anything further about it - from any part of the family. If she complains to anyone or goes crying to anyone about it and you hear about it, that's it and you will not be extending a welcome to her because she has been so terribly manipulative and morose about the whole situation.

It’s really awful and very upsetting I know OP

We we’re in a very similar situation a few years back, as we decided to relocate as a family, only difference was our DS’ were grown up by this point, we all idolised MIL (now unfortunately late MIL) she was a wonderful person and helped us so much when our DS’ were little. We were very, very close.

We had very specific reasons why we decided to move, mainly surrounding my disability, financial, better city/opportunities for our DS’ etc. we had tears, and a lot of emotional moments before and after we moved. It was a really horrible time.

But we did move, 3+hrs from where we used to live. And it really has been the right decision for our family, our only regret was that the move upset late MIL. But there were some other circumstances and many other family members around MIL. It did cause a lot of feelings of resentment at the time, I will be honest.

But MIL will come round to it in time, once you have moved, she will have to come to terms with your choice. It’s totally wrong to try and emotionally blackmail. The distance you are moving, is not that far, it allows for days trips, it’s not Australia. Yes, it’s a change, but you need to do what’s right for you.

My DS’ girlfriend (currently at uni in our city) hails from a very long distance from us, who knows if he may end up moving back with her, but that is his choice. We would be sad, but I wouldn’t tell him or let it show. He needs to live his life.

Wishing you all the very best OP but you must do what you need to do. Good luck.

Not to be horrible but no one knows what’s round the corner - just bc your parents are younger doesn’t mean they’ll outlive her. They could get involved in an accident or get ill, anything. How would you feel if they never got the chance to spend more time with you and DC bc everyone was too scared of MIL’s tantrums? It would ruin your relationship with her forever and I can tell you, would most probably impact on you and your DH’s, as your anger, grief and guilt would most likely manifest in your relationship.

Point out that age is irrelevant to the stupid woman. She will always use this to get her own way in everything, stop her. Taking to her room to pout and cry - she sounds like a toddler or young teenaged girl! I’m guessing Christmases are an interesting topic - do you get to spend them with your family guilt-free? (Lol)

She is being utterly selfish and emotionally manipulative. She’s clearly a narcissist who uses fear of her meltdowns outbursts to get what she wants and has been successful in doing so. Don’t pander to her OP as it’s rewarding her behaviour and teaching her to continue doing it. Why wouldn’t she continue? If anything tell your DH you don’t want your DC learning that this is an acceptable way to behave. I have a similar issue with PIL getting upset and commenting at not seeing DC for a week when my DP see them every few months - drives me insane.

People like this are awful bc ultimately she is putting her needs first - above your parents, you, your children and her own son, as he has got to cope with the fallout, so she doesn’t care if it impacts on his relationship, which can have pretty serious consequences in the long run. She’d be seeing a lot less of them if you two divorced!

She has kept her adult son close for a long time as you could have both decided to move closer to your old home after uni. You didn’t. She should be grateful for the time she has had with you all rather than emotionally blackmailing you now. Why is she more important than your own mother? Talk about entitled.

She’s being toxic and possessive Op, put the child-woman back in her box.

Agree with the sentiment of the poster above

Dry your eyes and lets get the train time table out, you'll have so much more quality time coming to visit us. Lets stop with the negative and start with all the positives. And just think we could have emigrated!

I have grandchildren 2 hours away, but regularly meet half way, go for an overnight stop. We have a great time and they used to live a 8 hour flight away so I consider myself lucky when im stuck in traffic coming home on the Motorway that its only 2 hours drive - not 90 minutes to the airport, 2 hours wait at the airport, 8 hours flight, an hour getting through customs etc.

Added to which FaceTime is wonderful, I had neighbours during lockdown that collected children books from the library every week and over FaceTime read their grandchildren bedtime stories

One of the reasons OP moved to Kent was probably bc her DH was being emotionally blackmailed by his mother. OP said BIL was in Newcastle- from how she’s described MIL it’s easy to suppose her other son felt obliged to stay closer to home.

MIL has every right to feel sad- but telling her son - “Don’t take my grandchildren away!!!!!”😫😭😭😭😭😫 or whatever she specifically said, and taking to her bedroom to cry in such a melodramatic fashion is so selfish and manipulative, and extremely immature. She didn’t have to do that in front of them, she did it to make them feel guilty so they would do what she wants. How dare she! And why are her needs and relationship with the DC more important than OP’s parents? They’re not just HER grandchildren. Presumably she was ok with them spending considerably less time with them and their daughter, now the shoes on the other foot suddenly it’s the end of the world. Nah, she’s a loving GP no doubt but she’s denying OP’s parents the right to have a closer relationship themselves and doesn’t sound willing to compromise. It’s not her decision and she’s in danger of seeing less of them if she carries on this way.

I actually can’t get over posters defending the MILs behaviour. A grown woman behaving like a spoilt child. She is of course entitled to her feelings but there are more appropriate ways to express that sadness.

OP I think it’s understandable that you are getting resentful of this behaviour. It’s infuriating when one adult behaves badly and yet you have to rise above it all. I think I would leave it to your DH to deal with. Also do not back down no matter what.

It's understandable that she is upset. Locking herself in her room. And having a tantrum like a child is not on though.

I wouldn't say you are moving very far away if it's only an hour and a half away. It must be difficult to see this from her point of view though.

I live an hour and a half for my parents and two and a half hours from ILs. We see them everybody month maybe longer times in holidays. Its a big change from one small period of time a week. My dc talk to their GPs on face time regularly.

Not seen my sibling for 5 years but talk to her all the time and doesn't affect my relationship with her.

Leave it to your DH to deal with and crack on with moving.

@AnonRR I get you want to move nearer your family but is it really going to be the nirvana you think or, because you haven’t lived there for 11 years, has it become some dream that may not be as you remembered? I’m sure you have visited lots but living and visiting are entirely different.

your MIL is being dramatic and far too OTT, not like you’re going to Australia.

Suppose your DH asked to move back nearer his friends and family in years to come? What do you do then? Not saying you shouldn’t but you’ve paid your dues so now he has to pay his doesn’t sound great.

Bloody hell! My DD and her DH have just moved to Australia! They are planning to start a family soon. I haven't said anything negative. I have wished them fun on their amazing adventures, and me and DH have booked to go and visit them later this year, coupled with a trip to Singapore and a road trip across Oz. Of course, it's weird that they are so far away, but it's their life, and not our place to clip their wings. How old is she? For context me and DH are 54 & 51, so still feel young enough to travel. Is she old and frail or something?

Move whilst you can and don't give in to her manipulation. I live 5 minutes from my MIL and have done for 22 years. We tried to move after about 3 years, only about 20 minutes away and MIL manipulated the situation so that we stayed. She has done nothing but cause trouble since and I really regret not sticking to my guns and moving.

Sorry, I see she's 69. Well, she could live for another 15 years, by which time your DC will be an adult, and the chances are, if you moved back "home" then, your DC would not move with you, because they will be established where they are, with friendship groups etc, or they will be at Uni. Moreover, your Nan would be gone, and who knows how fit your parents would be. Just do what you want. She will have to get over it.

Just talk to the poor woman. Tell her you will visit. Try and allay her fears rather than get angsty. She’s being over dramatic and is clearly overwhelmed with her feelings.

I would not have time for an adult who behaves like a little child… I would just not engage