MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

Locking herself in her room and crying, being nasty to all concerned ? If it’s not nuts, then at the very least her behaviour is incredibly manipulative and not deserving of sympathy. It’s sad for MiL but she’s behaving as though a couple of hours drive is the other side of the world, and there’s another set of grandparents to consider here - not to mention the OP’s mental health.

That’s really not what this poster was saying. But then you know that.

Singing telegram.

It is understandable that she is upset. It sounds like she really loves your daughter and values the relationship she has with her. You are quite lucky in that way. Plenty of grandparents have very little involvement with their grandchildren. It is sad for your daughter too that the relationship will now change, and that your new baby won't have that relationship at all. She just needs some time to get used to this news. She's reacting like this out of fear and desperation.

I live in a city in the north and think it is the best place to raise children. Good schools, national parks and outdoor spaces on the doorstep, cheaper housing and cost of living, miles from dirty, crowded, expensive London. I wouldn't move south if you paid me.

Works both ways, doesn't it?!

The problem of MILs behaviours is that she is actively demanding for your husband to put her whims ahead of your needs and any benefits this move would bring for his family.

If he chooses to put his mother’s selfishness first your marriage is doomed. Over the years, you may be able to forgive your MIL but you will never see your husband in the same way.

Personally, I would dig my heels, screw the MIL and move wherever works best for you and DH as a young family BEFORE eroding the relationship with my husband and therefore risking the family unit my children need and will continue to need to thrive in a family setting.

Besides, at such level of manipulation, she is not going to get any better by having the grandchildren around, she will only get more controlling and demanding so run while you still can.

That isn't necessarily the case though. My DM died last year at the age of 67. Nobody is guaranteed to live until old age.

😂

Although I do have some sympathy for your MIL she's been a rather selfish person, her whole life plan for retirement was she'd be a DGM surrounded by her family. It's fine to have a plan but you can't say that's it, that's what you're all going to do because that's what I want. Your poor FIL gets no say, your DH and his BIL get no say, she's set herself up as the one who matters.
It's quite telling that your BIL moved away and your DH is happy to leave too. You've spent years being afraid to go, that's not right, one family member doesn't get to rule everyone's lives.

@IkeaMeatballGravy I am from Hampshire coast and now live in Sutton/Surrey borders and were it not for the fact both sets of families live here, DD is Year 10 and DH works in London I would move. Hampshire is a lovely place to live and easy to get to London - used to go up all the time from Fareham, lots of cities Southampton/Portsmouth/Winchester and Brighton and Bournemouth easy to get too.

I was the opposite - moved from London to Kent where DH family - but he wanted to move to London. I much prefer it here!

In regards to MIL- just do you!

People who act nice as long as they are getting their own way aren't actually nice people. Nice parents have their children's best interests at heart.

We had this with my own family when we moved. Trust me the very best thing to say after trying everything to pacify is:

Of course you are most welcome to join us MIL

There is literally nothing she can say.
On repeat ‘you are welcome to join us there’

Be prepared, we have had over a decade of this….. and counting.

This is why my parents moved 5,000 miles away from overbearing relatives. I can't say I blame them.

@oakleaffy
"I knew of an adult daughter {a relative of a friend} who emigrated to Australia, her mother never said anything, but was like a wraith when her daughter left.

When the Mother died, the greedy daughter was back to sell the house and get the inheritance.

It would have been great if the mother had left it to a charity instead."

We don't have children to insist they live how we have or how we want them to - we raise children to at some point set them free to live their own lives.

I'm not saying it wouldn't be devastating if my child moved across the world, but also it's their choice and I wouldn't let them know and wish them well on their adventure. Also making sure I have a life outside of my children so they are not my sole connection when they move out.

You call her greedy, haven't given the full story but was she greedy or just coming back to her hometown to grieve and sort affairs - someone has to sort the sale of property.

While yes she is being ridiculous I can see where. she's coming from and would say most of us will be in this position some day-she's got to properly know her gc while your family has missed out and now it will be tough for her to know her as well as she did, she'll miss the everyday. She'll also miss the new baby. My family barely know my mum even though she only lives an hour and a half away, she's regularly in hospital and can't travel and the only times I can see her is when I drive up when they're in school. They think they only have one gm and when we visit they're shy with her. Sorry you're going through this op, I have always said the first conversation that should take place is 'where will we live in relation to gps?' Huge conversations here always, eg I regularly drop mil to hospital and doctor, my mum gets a taxi. But we couldn't afford to live in Dublin so that decision was taken from us. It's hard

1.5 to 2 hours away and this woman is having a breakdown? She doesn't think the OP deserves to spend some time in HER home area, just her son? Okay, then. She does sound the centre of her own universe.

She sounds like a spoilt toddler having a tantrum.

Do what’s best for you and your family. You are not beholden to her.

YANBU. You need to put you and your family first. I do think though that either your DH needs to have this discussion or you both tactfully have it together with her? Is she a widow? Does she have friends whom she goes out with?

I already resent her for me living here so long already??? YABU!

From another perspective you've been very happy to take the free childcare for a day every week & now this is no longer needed are also quite happy to drop your MIL a stone.....

Clearly the reaction you are on the recieving end of is immature, inappropriate and pathetic though.

It works both ways - you can't expect to let your MIL invest such a huge amount of time and effort (at huge convenience to you and your DH) in caring for your young children and not to have some sort of emotional response in return when you end the arrangement.

Ugh, I hate emotional blackmailers. I do understand she is disappointed, but you have to let other people live their lives.

My MIL is slightly inclined towards attempts to control things via emotional outbursts. Fortunatly it puts my DH's back up as much as it does mine. Ignoring it isn't comfortable, but we usually just get on with what we were planning to do anyway and she comes around because she does love DH and the kids.

My friend moved from Stoke to London and had a family here and has no plans to move back - they came to an arrangment with her month that she's come down once a week on SUnday night and go back Tuesday monring and she's do childcare for mondays. It works really well for them when the kids were in primary.

No she hasn't. OP has covered the childcare a few times now. Read the updates.

Fuck her. I'm sorry but fair is fair. She didn't care about your DM being the grandma living miles away and now the shoe is on the other foot it doesn't suit. Just make sure you visit as often as possible and crack on with moving back home.