MIL crisis - moving away

[AnonRR]

I moved to London for University with every intention of moving back home near my family once I'd finished... Alas, met a boy, fell in love, got married and for the past 11 years, have found myself living closer and closer to DH's family in Kent. One DD later (3) and another on the way, I've found myself becoming more and more depressed that I'm going to be expected to live here for the rest of my life and quite recently had a bit of a breakdown to DH about it. He is entirely happy to move back to my "home" and sees it as I've paid my dues living here so long already. We will be 1.5-2 hours drive away from where we are now and it will not impact jobs etc. However MIL is acting like someone's died and has locked herself in her room crying since she found out. She won't really talk to me but is being incredibly nasty to my DH saying things like "Don't take my grandchildren away from me" and "Can't you just wait until I die?" Whilst I sympathise that she will miss my DD (she looks after her once a week), I'm so scared my relationship with her is going to be ruined forever because I am getting more and more angry at how she's behaving towards us, when we should be able to move to the other side of the world should we want to! I already resent her for me living here so long already (we've both been too scared to broach the subject with her for years) and ironically, would make more of an effort to see them, if we didn't live round the corner, which I hate! Please help me to help her... before she ruins our relationship for good...

What a lovely woman... not.

Simply respond as you would a toddler. Breezily validate, and continue with your plans. Leave her alone unless she approaches you. If she brings it up, validate 'oh, I know you're sad about this. It's okay to feel that way, it's a big change' and then move onto something else. And continue making your plans to move. She has no power to stop you.

Her son probably hightailed it to Newcastle to escape his mother's clutches!

He did it, now you are the sole focus of her family as you are living nearby. It is understandable that she is not happy that you are going to move also. However her woe is me attitude that is very annoying.

I am nearly her age and go here, there and everywhere at home and abroad. Lucky that I can still do it, so I make the most of my still working limbs! Life is an adventure, when one door closes another opens up. It's all about attitude.

Reassure her, explain how easy will be to get to see you and vice versa. If she continues with her martyrdom, ignore it and go. But keep the doors open and encourage visits. That's as much as you can do.

It seems as if she has a good network around her anyway so it's not as if she will be alone in the back end of nowhere with no one around.

You know, what struck me about this comment is how much your MIL seems to be calling everyone’s tune, even though she’s not the one paying the piper - I’m assuming you definitely would have mentioned if she were some crazy heiress and the whole family lived off her.

As that’s not the case… maybe it’s time for full-scale changes. I was saddened by what you said about your FIL, in addition to your desire to move home. First of all, there’s no question you should move home - your DH supports it, you can have a larger house, and it’s an ideal time for DC age-wise. But second of all, I don’t know if you can talk to FIL alone, but it’s time to tell him that he doesn’t have to be beholden to her either. He can still have plenty of adventures at 70, and going off to seek them is not abandoning his wife if she has an entire family around her. There are some absolutely lovely travel groups, river cruises, etc., that only accept people over 65, and some are geared toward single travelers over 65 as well. You could even consider asking him to visit you… by himself. And take him on adventures. Let MIL lock herself in the bathroom for a month over it. She’ll come out when she gets hungry enough.

FIL often pops round on his own to do odd jobs at our house, because it's a much nicer environment. And he is more than welcome. It's my biggest concern when we move... leaving him to deal with the inevitable fall out. FIL, MIL and BIL live in a big house and no one talks to each other. Another reason why I feel so uncomfortable taking DD there... they swamp her like she's their only source of happiness and we genuinely think it's the only time they're all in the same room together! I say to my DH all the time, I'm not comfortable with them using DD in this way, and I didn't have her to fill some void they all have in their own lives.

@5YearsLeft Sorry to go off topic for a minute, but do you have any links for these over 65 trips? I feel like an adventure coming on, and would like to go on my own too! Nothing ventured.....

My MIL would be exactly like this.
I've learnt to not tell her too much and don't explain every decision I make.
It sounds like your DH is happy to move, so go ahead with it. You do not b eed her permission and you are not responsible for your MILs happiness. It's not like you are moving to the other side of the world-but that would be fine too.

I would just continue the same message, understanding but firm.
Like you would with a toddler.
'i can understand why you're upset, it must be hard, but it's the best thing for our family.
'we'll miss you loads too but this is the decision we've made. It wasn't easy'
And repeat.
'ahh I hear you mil, it is hard, I know you love DD. Luckily were not too far away'.
'yep, I hear you, I know you feel abandoned.'
'i totally get where you're coming from'

Just continue to empathize but that's it.
Don't get dragged into arguments, be like a stuck radio.
You can do it.

@couiza I absolutely do! I was raised by two grandparents who loved to travel. This is a great article that covers a lot of the options. They used Elderhostel, which according to this, is now called Roadscholar. If one company mentioned in this appeals to you, Google it and look up reviews on other sites or people who have written about it. As you can see from the selection, “senior” is mostly so you have good company; it doesn’t mean it can’t be on the more adventurous or active side, if you’re in fine health and you want a walking tour, etc.
https://www.travelandleisure.com/trip-ideas/senior-travel/best-travel-groups-for-seniors

I also mentioned river cruises which I think are great. A wonderful way to see several places with the pleasure of a cruise and without the strain of bus or air travel when trying to see seven cities in eight days, for example. The range in price and duration - some are very expensive, but some are about the price of an average all inclusive holiday which is what they are. This page shows tons that are senior-only (my grandparents mainly traveled Holland America and Viking so if you check out either of those companies specifically, I know they’ll have cruises that are “adults only” and then “seniors only”). Here’s a very wide-ranging list with a lot of river cruises that take passengers up to age 99:
https://www.tourradar.com/pa/seniors-v-river-main

And then I’ve included this list because it specifically talks about Viking and Holland America, though I know it’s a bit US centric, but a lot of European river cruises for Americans require flying to a European destination to start so you just save a lot of money:
https://travel.usnews.com/features/bucket-list-cruises-for-seniors-and-retirees

"the only life she has ever seen for herself"... wow.

You can't make life goals like that for things over which you have absolutely no control. I do feel sorry for her but she sounds very very self-centred. 1.5 to 2 hours is NOTHING too, you could be over there every other Sunday if you were so inclined!

A friend had this with her MIL. Latter made herself so ill she ended up in a mental health unit after losing it completely and making threats. From this it was clear why the husband chose a university 200 miles away.

@5YearsLeft That is very kind of you. Thanks. I'll spend a while later investigating. Oh the joys of retirement and good health to go with it mustn't be wasted!

Your H has no boundaries. His parents have none either. You're going to have to stand up for yourself here.

She’s nuts! We live miles away from my in laws and see them loads. My kids have a wonderful relationship with them and we are all close. It’s been hard for my dh being so far away from them but has been what’s best for us as a family and my in laws totally support that! My in laws would love us to be closer but we make the most of the time we have together and really the amount of time we spend with them is probably the same as my family if you average it out over the year!

On MN 1 1/2 - 2 hours away is considered the end of the earth whereas for some people it's their daily commute!

I thought that the MN mantra is that 'home' is where the 'little family' lives not where either set of parents live.

When we lived abroad but came to UK during the holidays it drove me mad when my mother would insist to the children, both born overseas, that England was 'home' when they talked about going home to Germany!

Home is wherever you decide it is.

I think it's unfair and really selfish of any grandparent to expect their dcs and dgcs to plan their lives to live near them.

I'd hate for my dcs to feel they had to take my feelings into account when planning their lives and where they wish to reside.

They'll never know if I feel sad or upset about their choices.

I understand OP, my mum would feel the same. She has always (literally, since I was 18 years old) gone on about how she wants grandchildren. She looks after DC one day a week, this is by her request, it would actually be easier and more reliable for me to have an extra nursery day (btw - it's strange to me how people on these forums assume family childcare is a massive favour, rather than a mutually enjoyable way for grandparents and grandkids to develop a relationship). She is in my opinion over the top with my DC, but it's just from a place of love. Doesn't have many close relationships in her life, loved being a mum when I was a child. She would be devasted if we moved. But I am pretty sure that she wouldn't try to manipulate us or behave like that. It isn't the feelings that are the problem, it's the way she's acting.

@AnonRR my in laws said similar, your parents have more time left than we do. It really annoyed me actually because why shouldn’t both sets of grandparents get to spend time with their grandchildren at every age and stage. They may be getting older every day but so are the children. It doesn’t matter who has more time left.

My MIL was the same when we moved half an hour away….. yes half an hour! She still has digs now and doesn’t like to visit us as it’s too far. Sadly I do think it’s impacted on her relationship with our DC but that’s on her rather than us. You are absolutely making the right decision and sounds like you’ll be much happier.

My dhs grandma used to get the train from Cheshire to visit us in Wiltshire and didn't stop doing so until her late 70's! She'd get a taxi from her house to the station and from our station to our house, and then do it all again to get home.
I understand your mil is sad you are moving away, but you aren't going anywhere that's hard for her to get to.
Every generation, usually, hopes their children do better than they did. It sounds like you have a great opportunity to have an even better life, so absolutely go for it. Is there a room in the house that you can make as a bedroom just for them when they come to visit, just so she still feels included?

You must live your life as you choose. And don't be emotionally blackmailed by this selfish woman. Fair enough she is sad you are moving further away but trying to stop you by these methods is totally out of order.

Its your live your choice, but id make it clear she could visit you

Whoknows101 · Today 11:21

From another perspective you've been very happy to take the free childcare for a day every week & now this is no longer needed are also quite happy to drop your MIL a stone.....”

OP didn’t need or particularly want it. She allowed in to basically keep MIL happy.

I’m a MIL and a granny. I would be ashamed of myself if I had behaved as OP’s MIL has.

MrsSkylerWhite · Today 13:26

Whoknows101 · Today 11:21

From another perspective you've been very happy to take the free childcare for a day every week & now this is no longer needed are also quite happy to drop your MIL a stone.....”

OP didn’t need or particularly want it. She allowed in to basically keep MIL happy.

I’m a MIL and a granny. I would be ashamed of myself if I had behaved as OP’s MIL has.