Inheritance issues !

[Troublesome3]

My parents ( both still living ) but battling health conditions spoke to my brother about the inheritance situation last week. He is not happy.
my parents are not splitting our inheritance equally between the 4 of us.
they think it’s not far to do so and have based it on our lifestyles / jobs.

the siblings are as followed

eldest DB works in a very high income job - I am not exactly sure what he does but it’s something to do with finance. His wife is an oncology consultant - they also received an inheritance previously which they bought their house with.
they have 2 kids - private education, no mortgage nice house and DB also had investment properties.

DS - is a single mum after leaving a very rocky relationship ( DV ) she works as a youth worker in a teen hospital ward earning around not very much but works hard. She currently private rents a 2 bed flat for her self and 2 DC 10 and 7.
she gets top up universal credits.

I have 2 children and a stepson in my care. Forensic pathologist and also qualified make up artist ( I know it’s a weird combo )
I bring home just under 100 k a year and have my late DP insurance. I own my house.
DC1 is severely disabled.

youngest DB has a lot of issues - mainly drugs / petty crime
he goes between living at parents to sofa surfing to disappearing and repeat.
he doesn’t work.

my parents have decided to leave us differently amounts.

my DS will receive the most

my youngest DB has a slight diff set up they are making sure he has accommodation and support but no money.

my eldest DB will receive less than myself and sister
and I will receive less than my sister but more than my DB.

DB1 is fuming and I do understand where his coming from but I also understand what they mean also and what they are trying to do.

are my parents being unreasonable ?

This. It’s never okay to exclude a more successful child because of they have ‘done all the right things’. It really isn’t.

I mean it is their money, they can choose to do what they like with it. However, I'd not want to cause hurt or resentment so I would probably just split everything equally.

You can't control how others feel.

If your well off DB doesn't have the empathy to see that your DPs are trying to help their less fortunate offspring, well that's his problem.

Splitting it equally is the fairest, however, life hasn't been very fair to you, your DS or DB (but his downfall seems to be of his own making)

How much is their estate worth? Is he quibbling over £10k?

Where are people getting the "supporting the OP's disabled son" from?

DS=DEAR SISTER not dear son. FGS

Always equal split. Whether one is a millionaire and one a pauper.
So much can change.

I think you need to announce to people that when you said, "DS gets the most" that you mean dear SISTER and not your dear son.

I mean, you mention it more than once in your original post but it seems some are failing to grasp the obvious.

OP how much money are we talking about? What are the approx splits in numbers?

The numbers do matter, as a 20k difference may be neither here nor there to the more prosperous siblings. Although an equal split is probably best for harmony, are we talking 10s of thousands, 100k, 500k each, or millions?

I think your parents can do what they want with their own money. And this sounds fair and reasonable to me. Fair doesn’t have to be equal. Your brother needs to consider your parents point of view, and that what they have decided is fair and equitable to them. He may to do differently with his own children when the time comes and that will be his choice to make.

I'd be fuming if I was your brother, just because he works in a well paid industry he is going to get less money. That's a dreadful way to split inheritance and will damage the relationship between siblings. I think your parents are wrong in this situation. My brother and his wife earn far more than me, I am a single parent but my father has already said he will leave anything he has split equally between my brother and I and I'm am perfectly happy with that. My brother shouldn't be penalised for having a well paid job.

As others have said, it is up to your parents to decide what to do with their money, but I think it is totally reasonable for your DB1 to be incredibly unhappy about it.

My own parents have always said any money that is left will be split equally between the three of us even though our personal circumstances are very different. I think that is the only way to avoid parents having to judge the relative merits of each child's business case for being left anything at all, which may change.

I don't think your parents are necessarily being unreasonable as it is their money, but I think they are being very naive if they imagine DB1 will accept it without complaint.

In my head, the only option is an equal split, always. I have a DD and soon will have a DS, in the future if one is really in more need while I’m still alive I would possibly try and help the less favored if the reasons they are in this position are outside their control, even than I’d proceed with caution when it comes to amounts, etc. I will leave 50/50 for each and hope if I did a good job raising them with the proper virtues and values they will help each other out in case of need.

OP I’ve PM’d you a link. It’s your parents money and they are entitled to do what they like with it. What they can’t control is the consequences of their decision. And I’m not sure whether, if you are the left out child, it’s better to know before they die.
my DM completely cut me out of her £1m will (save for £500 of jewellery), and told me. My siblings and I all earn in the same ball park. My DH earns significantly more than the other siblings partners. One sibling has more children than me, the other sibling has no children but is a functioning alcoholic with a cocaine habit. My DMs justification for cutting me out was that 1. I didn’t need it (although obviously the alcoholic with a drug habit did), and 2. I’d had more of her time.(my mum was my best friend and my rock through all my 20s and well into my 30s when I was largely single…..it feels now like she went home After every time we went out/went on holiday and filled in some cryptic spread sheet “afternoon spent with curtains = minus £500 from any inheritence).
this isn’t about money, it’s about value and fairness.
DM has subsequently said she has now changed her will to include me, but I haven’t seen a copy and I absolutely believe that if my DBs challenged it they would win. The relationship I had with my mum is now functional (after a period of silence and some family therapy). I thought she was the most amazing mum in the world and She has utterly destroyed our relationship. I’m beyond devasted. I’m sure there are plenty in MN that will jump on board and say that your DB and I are selfish and grabby…..but unless you’ve been in the situation I don’t think you can comment.

So the DB that probably earns the most is the one?

it’s strange that having money makes you greedy.

At the end of the day it’s your parents money and they can do what they want with it. By the sounds of it they are trying to give each of you what they think you need.

This happened with one of my aunties when she died she left everything to two of her daughters and nothing to her two sons and another daughter.
this was mainly because the boys and one girl were set up and never came to see their mum. The two that got the inheritance saw her most days and looked after her.

On a brighter note they could have turned round and left it to a charity for wonky donkeys and none of you would get anything.

I think your parents have done their best to be fair while being clear sighted about the youngest son. I say that as the sister of a man who has inherited three times and each times squandered it on gambling, has been financially exploited etc and also lost benefit entitlement as a result, this resulting in him having a major breakdown due to the stress of it, and being sectioned, he’s only just picking up the pieces now. I have an aunt who has made provision for her financially irresponsible son to get a regular allowance managed by her solicitor, but not to inherit a lump sum. Having said that, I can understand the eldest son being pissed off.

The thing I always wonder with threads like this is - will there be any inheritance left? My family tends to be long-lived and with care homes costing upwards of £4K a month, I am assuming that if my mum outlives my stepdad, and the house has to be sold to pay for her care (like the OP's parents, that's where any inheritance would come from) any inheritance me and my siblings might stand to receive will probably be wiped out by this. It does seem silly everyone falling out if it's going to be a moot point anyway.

Really? So, for example, a 55 year old sibling should get more than a 57 year old, all else being equal?

@fuzzyduck1 On a brighter note they could have turned round and left it to a charity for wonky donkeys and none of you would get anything.

But at least they then would be treating all the children equally, without judgement or considering their relative worthiness.

That's awful, what on earth was she thinking?! Presumably she's aware your relationship has been damaged by it?

dagnamit!
i also read it that the disabled grandson will inherit more

In fairness it should be equal.

I should add that both DBs have benefitted from financial gifts from my mum in the past that I haven’t had and I haven’t minded or complained and DH and I have recently paid for private healthcare for one DB. I would never see either DB in financial hardship…..but to be excluded from a will feels like a parting statement to the world that I wasn’t valued. Will’s need to be fair and if you e done a decent job of raising your children then hopefully they will look after each other.

Definitely, because they'll also live longer and so need the money!

I am the youngest sibling in my family by some margin btw! 😂

Ridiculous, isn't it?

I can understand why the eldest brother would feel hurt / unfairly treated.

But I mostly agree with your parents.

Have they sat your brother down and carefully explained their reasonings and reassured him that they love all four of you equally, but that his sister (as a non home owner, single parent, much lower income etc) really needs money more than him. If he is feeling very hurt by their decision then they really need to emphasise this a lot with him. Could he get left a higher percentage of sentimental items in the will, to show their love to him but reflect that he needs money less.

And can you remind your brother just how much the money would help your sister and her kids….. and still she would never come close to his wealth and level of comfort/luxuries. Surely if he received a quarter of your parents money he would spend it on a nice holiday, investments etc…… whereas for your sister it could change her life and get her on the property ladder rather than rent her whole life.

This is so sad. How devastating for you. What made your mum think like that?!

I get it to a certain extent as I imagine if my mum ever does a will on her own, she will favour my DS who she believes is incapable of looking after herself. My family is pretty dysfunctional though!

But why do you think your DBs could successfully challenge her will now she's changed it to include you?

I can't imagine spitting my dummy out over one of my siblings being left more money than me in the kind of circumstances you describe. I'd be happy for them that they were getting a chance at some of the financial security and freedom of choice I already have. I would also be extremely disappointed if one of my children was so grabby and uncaring towards their siblings were I to make a similar decision.

I think your parents sound sensible and loving, and are trying to meet the needs of all their children as best they can.

Have only read OPs posts. Presumably your parents have explained all this. However. They must be aware that this will cause unrest, and disquiet. In the extreme case those promised less may feel that they don't have to "earn" it and not be available for any help the parents may need.