Inheritance issues !

[Troublesome3]

My parents ( both still living ) but battling health conditions spoke to my brother about the inheritance situation last week. He is not happy.
my parents are not splitting our inheritance equally between the 4 of us.
they think it’s not far to do so and have based it on our lifestyles / jobs.

the siblings are as followed

eldest DB works in a very high income job - I am not exactly sure what he does but it’s something to do with finance. His wife is an oncology consultant - they also received an inheritance previously which they bought their house with.
they have 2 kids - private education, no mortgage nice house and DB also had investment properties.

DS - is a single mum after leaving a very rocky relationship ( DV ) she works as a youth worker in a teen hospital ward earning around not very much but works hard. She currently private rents a 2 bed flat for her self and 2 DC 10 and 7.
she gets top up universal credits.

I have 2 children and a stepson in my care. Forensic pathologist and also qualified make up artist ( I know it’s a weird combo )
I bring home just under 100 k a year and have my late DP insurance. I own my house.
DC1 is severely disabled.

youngest DB has a lot of issues - mainly drugs / petty crime
he goes between living at parents to sofa surfing to disappearing and repeat.
he doesn’t work.

my parents have decided to leave us differently amounts.

my DS will receive the most

my youngest DB has a slight diff set up they are making sure he has accommodation and support but no money.

my eldest DB will receive less than myself and sister
and I will receive less than my sister but more than my DB.

DB1 is fuming and I do understand where his coming from but I also understand what they mean also and what they are trying to do.

are my parents being unreasonable ?

If you respect your parents then respect their decision. They will not have made these divisions lightly.

Equal split is always the fairest way although
your brother with drug issues might be better off having his share put in a trust fund and paid out monthly rather than as a lump sum.

I don’t believe a child’s life choices that lead to success or more money should impact inheritance
My dss have chosen very different careers that will, financially, have very different outcomes. That’s their choice but I will not be penalising the high earners because of it.
Nor would I reward those that have children because they chose to procreate.

By the sounds of it, your DB is a grasping greedy shit. They’re already rolling in money yet they think they should have as much as your sister in straightened circs and your disabled child who may need life long care they really need to take a long hard look at themselves.

we have a template for distributing money according to needs in our society, it’s called charity. Where those who have plenty give to those who don’t have the same privileges.
(we also have a tax and welfare system which is meant to work in a similar way).

my uncle was all over my grandmas humble house when she died (hardly ever bothered to visit her when she was alive). He literally has multiple garages full of vintage cars and a massive house and his kid went to Eton. Absolutely rolling in it. But, he still was rooting round to see what loot he could grab in the end. Despicable.

@Bookmark1111 yep. She’s completely aware. She instigated the family therapy which was a complete disaster because the therapist also thought she’d made a huge mistake and whenever she asked questions like ‘so have your sons not had any of your time?’ And my mum would say ‘of course they have’ then she’d say, ‘so how have you accounted for that in your will’ and my mum couldn’t answer. I used to speak to her every day and see her 3-4 x week just for a chit chat. Now I speak to her and see her when I have a reason to. And beyond that I have nothing to say to her…..wouldn’t want to be accused of using up her very expensive time.

I personally think equal is the only fair way to do it. I know there's a good chance that one of my siblings and their spouse will always earn just min wage, whereas I and DH earn well. But I do also have a slight irritation about how often we get told "ah well they don't have very much so we'll cover that", or "I know you earn a decent amount, but they don't have much".

And no, they don't. But they also have very minimal outgoings and have made choices. The spouse went to the same university as me and has a very similar degree. But chose to not apply for related jobs and work retail instead (whilst complaining). We live in a different area and so our mortgage costs are three times theirs (yes, a choice in some ways, but equally these jobs don't exist in their area so still a factor). They have chosen no children, whereas we have a DD and at present our childcare fees are massive.

ONE DAY, if all stays the same, we will be better off. But regardless of income at the moment, we are not. And it's our choices that have made that possible, not circumstances out of their control. So if my parents left them more, I'd feel slightly put out that they hadn't paid attention to the choices and sacrifices made to get here.

Luckily I am aware of their wishes and I am their executor. And their wishes are equal split, but that if any of us needs looking after, we do that between us. And I would never see my family struggle if I could do something. So it wont be an issue. I just wanted to put a point across as the elder, "better off" sibling who is deemed less "needy" of parental support.

That's just stupid.

Your parents are leaving their money in such a way that gives them peace of mind. They are not well you said, they probably want to know that their children are looked after going forward. Perhaps for this reason they are not looking to be “fair” but leave the world knowing their troubled son will be ok and that they daughter won’t have to struggle so much in the future.

There's no right or wrong answer. Hope it doesn't cause a fallout, money is the worst thing a family can argue over.

Agreed - it's ridiculous!

Eh?

@horseyhorsey17 because it could be easily construed that I bullied her into changing it. I didn’t bully her, I went low contact. In fact I told her not to change it. But I don’t think that’s how the law would see it.

Wrong thread I think @Brefugee

I think my parents would have been inclined to give someone involved in drugs and petty crime less money not more.

If he has issues that were not of his own making such as disabilities then maybe it would be easier for your older brother to understand.

At the moment it looks like crime and drug taking is being rewarded.

Nobody is unreasonable for deciding how they want their money to be distributed.
It doesn't matter what your brother or anyone else thinks.
I would hate anyone to think they had a say in how i distribute my money when the time comes. They have their reasons and that's all there is to it

I seem to be in the minority in thinking that it's completely justifiable to split inheritances based on circumstance. Maybe it's because I'm not from a background where I know many people who actually get inheritances.

I would want to set my children up the same way, it would bring me comfort to know that I could bring financial security to those struggling.

I don't really see inheritance as a reward or measure of love. But then I'm not really due anything so perhaps I'm just not so invested.

Tbf, yeah I see their point. They're worrying about their children and will feel more at peace knowing they've protected their most vulnerable children. Your DB should try and see it from his worried and dying parents perspective.

I don't know enough about the law around these things to know if it's true or not - but does she seem sorry? Does she acknowledge it was a bad decision? Her decision to instigate family therapy and then change the will to include you does suggest that she knows it was.

I'm sorry, though. From someone else who has been badly let down by their mum, and has tried to get over it but never quite succeeded and always had a pretty tense/fragile relationship, I do really feel for you.

@Cosyblankets absolutely. But you can’t then control the consequences of leaving a child out.

Another thing. I know a family where the parents put an alcoholic son’s share in trust and gave the other two siblings their money outright. Executer was pressured into changing it so he got it all in one go and he drank himself to death in less than a year. Which had been exactly what the parents had feared and reason it had been put in trust in the first place.
The money all then went to his estranged but not divorced wife who the family hadn’t seen in decades.

paste buffer has gone haywire. have asked for it to be deleted

No that’s exactly what I would have done. Eldest brother doesn’t need the money and it’s not up to him to decide what your parents do with their money.

They want to know that all their children are as secure as possible before they go. Your brother obviously thinks that his siblings have messed up their lives and that he’s Mr Perfect because he hasn’t. People like that think that life is so simple. Your parents know they can’t rely on him to help anyone.

I just think this is a really immature way of looking at things.

He's not being "rewarded". His "punishment" is a life of instability and hardship and strained relationships.

I can so relate to the impulse to want to provide for your children who need it once you know you won't be around.

It has also been made clear that it is based on circumstances, it's not an ambiguous slight to any of the siblings. I think it would be wrong and kind of uncouth/ghoulish to be arguing about this. DB or any of you did not earn that money, your parents did.

Your parents can leave their money whatever way they want but not dividing it equally is the quickest route to destroying the relationship between the siblings after they've gone. I think it's a huge mistake.

of Course they would be hurt and clearly your brother is !
Its this sort of thing that can cause divisions in the family later.

My aunt left a lot to one grandchild of her son but left a token to her three granddaughters of her daughter
My cousin no longer talks to her brother or nephew, they thought it was ok and didn’t talk to their mum and explain it isnt.