Inheritance issues !

[Troublesome3]

My parents ( both still living ) but battling health conditions spoke to my brother about the inheritance situation last week. He is not happy.
my parents are not splitting our inheritance equally between the 4 of us.
they think it’s not far to do so and have based it on our lifestyles / jobs.

the siblings are as followed

eldest DB works in a very high income job - I am not exactly sure what he does but it’s something to do with finance. His wife is an oncology consultant - they also received an inheritance previously which they bought their house with.
they have 2 kids - private education, no mortgage nice house and DB also had investment properties.

DS - is a single mum after leaving a very rocky relationship ( DV ) she works as a youth worker in a teen hospital ward earning around not very much but works hard. She currently private rents a 2 bed flat for her self and 2 DC 10 and 7.
she gets top up universal credits.

I have 2 children and a stepson in my care. Forensic pathologist and also qualified make up artist ( I know it’s a weird combo )
I bring home just under 100 k a year and have my late DP insurance. I own my house.
DC1 is severely disabled.

youngest DB has a lot of issues - mainly drugs / petty crime
he goes between living at parents to sofa surfing to disappearing and repeat.
he doesn’t work.

my parents have decided to leave us differently amounts.

my DS will receive the most

my youngest DB has a slight diff set up they are making sure he has accommodation and support but no money.

my eldest DB will receive less than myself and sister
and I will receive less than my sister but more than my DB.

DB1 is fuming and I do understand where his coming from but I also understand what they mean also and what they are trying to do.

are my parents being unreasonable ?

Your parents money, not yours or your siblings. 🤷‍♀️

I'm usually in favour of an equal split but in this instance I think it would be really stupid to top up an already full tank for DB1 when DSis' tank is almost empty.

The fact he's begrudging his sister having a chance at a better life is sad.

I don’t think my parents see it as loving any of us any differently, I think they see it as supporting us in different ways to make us secure.

I'm guessing that if your parents could rely on their eldest to support their youngest as and when required, they may leave the money equally. Guessing he doesn't want to welcome is younger brother into his perfect home.

Despite the mistakes their youngest has made in his life, they presumably love him and want to ensure he has the opportunity to be safe and secure and not on the streets. What he actually does of course is up to him.

I'm guessing the rest of his siblings (especially with young kids in the house tbf) won't want to welcome an addict into their homes. Therefore your parents are doing their best to help him when they are no longer able to - when its unlikely anyone else will want to.

Your parents have made a decision which in my opinion should be respected.

You shared the information you wanted to share and according to you changed some details. Other posters should lay off and leave you alone.

I think anything other than an equal split causes resentment and bitterness. Imo the only exceptions would be significant disability or special provision (eg a trust) being made for a sibling who is likely to spend the inheritance on drugs.

To the siblings that lose out, it feels like they are being punished for being sensible. What if one sibling has always been a bit feckless and gets rewarded for it? And as others have said, circumstances may change. What if one your DS marries a millionaire? Your parents should reconsider or at the least explain their decision sensitively, including that it does not reflect a lack of love.

I think anything less than an equal split will split the family once your parents die. I've got 4 sisters. When my Mum died she left us all equal shares. She told us she very much wanted us to remain close after she had gone. Myself and one other sister are better off than 2 other sisters and my younger sister is really quite poor. I know my youngest sister spent all her inheritance paying off debts and had virtually nothing left. A year later her car engine blew up and she needed another car to be able to get to work. I bought her another car, not a new one but a decent one. When her DD went to uni I knew she couldn't afford to help her out so I did a direct debit to her every month for £100 for 4 years to help her out just a bit. If my Mum had given me less I know I'd have felt terribly hurt and less loved than my sister's. My MiL has my DH and his brother. His brother earns a lot less than my DH. Also DH and I have a property portfolio. I am hoping my MiL leaves DH and BiL the same. BiL has always been the favourite and it will just break my dh if she favours his brother again. Especially as when his Dad died DH went up to help his Mum deal with the funeral. He did everything for her, stayed 10 days, took her to undertakers to choose the coffin, arranged celebrant, order of service, music, catering and flowers and kept his wider family informed throughout. Also dealt with the bank, changing utilities into his Mum's name etc. BiL did nothing he even refused to choose music despite both he and FiL both liking country music. At the time she thanked me for agreeing DH went up for 10 days of his holiday and told my DH she couldn't have managed without him. DH remembers never having new clothes and always having to wear his older brothers hand me downs and his older brothers getting things but when he reached the same age there never being enough money for him to have similar.

I think it's so unfair to give less to the highest achievers ..

Everyone had the same chances

My mum has always favoured my sister as the under dog .. makes my blood boil

However it's their money and what they choose to do with it is up to them .. it does however hurt feelings when one child is favoured over another regardless of the reason

It's your parents money and their decision to make.

Ime these decisions rarely come out of nowhere. They usually reflect a lifetime of children being treated differently. This is the reason they are so hurtful- lots of baggage.

I was always of the mind that things like inheritance should be equally shared, but this post makes so much sense.

As for posters appearing to me to say they know the op, why not dm them and ask, instead of trying to derail the thread?

It depends on the amount of the inheritance. If it's a relatively modest amount even for the person getting most, then it seems fairly unimportant.

But it always seems fairer to split it equally. People always see it as how much they were loved by a parent rather than how much money the parent thought they needed. I do feel sorry for the hard working brother getting least.

No one might complain, but it might leave one or more of the DC broken and feeling unloved. If Mil leaves everything to her other son DH would not complain. Who would he complain to, the mother who did it would be gone? I know dh would be left broken.

I don’t think our parents favoured any of us, well not in my opinion, I don’t think it’s also what they mean.
I don’t think they are punishing DB of rewarding DS.

Maybe, but how will the DC left out feel? Less loved I'd expect.

I would never do this to my children and I have 4. Primarily because I would not want to cause issues between them.
Whilst your eldest sibling has far more money, he has probably also worked incredibly hard and had the burden of expectation on him from your parents all his life. And the youngest probably got away with doing whatever he wanted from a young age. This is very stereotypical. Unless your youngest DB was very premature or has a disability this is very unfair. Your sister also made a bad choice.
Personally, it is a difficult situation and your parents are taking a big risk with this set up affecting not just their own relationships with their children but also sibling relationships. So I would never do this. That is provided all 4 were given the same opportunities. If you are now going to tell us your eldest DB was the only one to go to an expensive private school, that may change things.

I think what your parents are doing is very reasonable and fair and I would do the same in their circumstances. Bro has more than enough, and already had an inheritance that the rest of you didn't. I think he sounds selfish to be upset, and your sister sounds awesome.

No one is entitled to an inheritance, and it's not like he was entirely left out.

My in laws are doing this, my DH will get very little and his brother will get the majority as he has a son who will need life long care.

DH is happy enough with this, it's been openly discussed, and DH and I are both comfortably off.

Not sure DH's kids know about it....

Their money, their rules. I wouldn't give money to a non-working drug taking petty criminal either.

I can understand that your DB probably feels as though he has been punished for being successful.

If it were me though, I would want my siblings to be comfortable. If they needed the money more than me then I'd happily accept it.

I don't see gifting money as a demonstration of love though.

You can imagine that’s how it feels though. The reward you get for always having to stand on your own two feet is continuing to have to stand on your own two feet.

Obviously this may not be completely reasonable or rational but emotions tend not to be.

I have a friend who experienced something similar to your DB. It was after a lifetime of the younger sister making poor decisions, which she continued to do because her parents always bailed her out. It caused a lot of sadness as my friend felt that she was never supported by her parents in the same way.

At death, it should be equal shares.
Since your DB has some issues, his share could be in trust so that he has to go through trustees to get the money, rather than spending it on drugs etc.

That said, in life, they can help people unequally depending on their circumstances. For instance, if they are willing and able, then they could help your sister get her own flat. Or give her money for things that she/her kids need and struggle to afford.

The thing is, in death, they can't just consider their 4 children. By splitting it unequally between 4 children, they are also splitting it unequally between their 3 sets of grandchildren. And potentially creating a major family rift between their children. Nobody can see into the future. The rich DB/SIL could have a messy divorce for example. One or both of them could die, leaving their kids orphans. Nobody knows. It's best not to try and look into the future and leave things equally. Like I said, in life, they can see the present and they can help people unequally.

We are the equivalent of DB1, we received FA from FIL or my Mum and it’s like SIL was rewarded for her amazingly bad choices as was my sister. No disabilities or illness or kids with any issues just their appalling judgement and their predilection for cock lodgers.

With your scenario it’s very different with people with complex care issues. That would not have bothered me at all.

It's totally up to your parents to decide how to split their inheritance. We have 2 DDs in very different situations and have chosen to treat them differently for reasons I'm not going into here but that is our choice to make. Same with your parents.