Inheritance issues !

[Troublesome3]

My parents ( both still living ) but battling health conditions spoke to my brother about the inheritance situation last week. He is not happy.
my parents are not splitting our inheritance equally between the 4 of us.
they think it’s not far to do so and have based it on our lifestyles / jobs.

the siblings are as followed

eldest DB works in a very high income job - I am not exactly sure what he does but it’s something to do with finance. His wife is an oncology consultant - they also received an inheritance previously which they bought their house with.
they have 2 kids - private education, no mortgage nice house and DB also had investment properties.

DS - is a single mum after leaving a very rocky relationship ( DV ) she works as a youth worker in a teen hospital ward earning around not very much but works hard. She currently private rents a 2 bed flat for her self and 2 DC 10 and 7.
she gets top up universal credits.

I have 2 children and a stepson in my care. Forensic pathologist and also qualified make up artist ( I know it’s a weird combo )
I bring home just under 100 k a year and have my late DP insurance. I own my house.
DC1 is severely disabled.

youngest DB has a lot of issues - mainly drugs / petty crime
he goes between living at parents to sofa surfing to disappearing and repeat.
he doesn’t work.

my parents have decided to leave us differently amounts.

my DS will receive the most

my youngest DB has a slight diff set up they are making sure he has accommodation and support but no money.

my eldest DB will receive less than myself and sister
and I will receive less than my sister but more than my DB.

DB1 is fuming and I do understand where his coming from but I also understand what they mean also and what they are trying to do.

are my parents being unreasonable ?

Easy to say when you (& your child) stand to benefit more then your own brother

Alittle harder when you've worked all your life & married someone who's already recieved their inheritance

Have you ever been left out when all siblings have been given a treat? My Gran used to leave me out but treat my sister's. I've no idea why because I've never done anything to upset her I'm aware of. When I was a small DC it was a knitted cardigan for my sister's but never for me or sweets. When I was 17 Gran had some savings come out of a bond. She gave £100 to each of my 4 sisters, which was quite a lot of money over 40 years ago, and nothing to me. My Mum was upset but said it was up to my Gran as her money. My Aunty found out and she gave me £100 but I can tell you when my Gran died I refused to go to her funeral. My sister's always put together and buy my Gran a holly wreath at Xmas time. I always refuse to contribute. It is so incredibly hurtful to be left out. It it has never happened to you, you probably won't understand how hurtful it is.

Unless any of my DC decided that they wanted nothing to do with me, I would split it equally. No matter what their financial position

I don't know why but it's different when they are alive because either of you could get help at different times. Death is their final.chance to show you are both loved equally.

Does the value each child has put on their parents ever figure in counselling? In terms of acceptance/responsibility? This is quite close to home for me - I have a sibling who has only ever used counselling to validate and support their own outlook. Its done them no favours.

@Iwasafool i think ‘unfairness’ in life is slightly different than unfairness in death. You can see my pp- I am the left out child. My DM has helped both of my siblings financially when they have needed it. I haven’t needed it and I don’t resent that she helped them but didn’t give me the equivalent. I do resent that she has made all sorts of assumptions about how life might be in 5/10/20 years when she dies and on that basis decided that I’m not getting anything in her will.

The OPs mother and father probably know him better than any of us just like your mother knew you and your sisters so they made their decisions based on that knowledge. You and your sisters have lived up to your mother's expectations.

The brother is in a very privileged position already, house paid, two good wages, investment properties. Doesn't sound like he's done much to help his little sister up to now.

The brother isn't being left out by the way, he is just getting a smaller amount as is the OP.

When it comes to inheritance, I do genuinely think that the only fair way is an equal split, which is what my parents have done.

I have 2 younger brothers and they are both substantially better off than me (one more so than the other) with much higher household incomes, however i don't think for one second that I should get more because of this.

Team parents. Your brother sounds like a selfish nob.

Wills can be changed. Do you really want to be in the position of needing help?

The OPs parents aren't actually leaving the brother out, he's just getting less.

@Iwasafool but it hasn’t really got anything to do with ‘need’….it really hasn’t got anything to do with money….its to do with fairness and a feeling of worth. If my DM left everything to the donkey sanctuary that would be fair. But she has 3 homeowning adult children all with well paid jobs, but 2 of them are apparently more worthy. It just really stings.

Makes me glad my family have nothing to leave 😂 though I’ll fight my brother to the death for the Lego 😂😂 and we shall split the cost for the skip for 99.9% of the stuff in their house. Mum knows she gives no shits.

Ill watch from the sidelines for dhs side 😬

I guess so yes.
If however she tried to take more than her fair share, then I’d be all guns blazing! 😂.
It has to be equal.

I think your parents are right to do this, and very sensible to bring this up while they're still alive and can address it with your DB. Honestly I think he's being incredibly selfish - this money will make v little difference to him but will be life changing to your sister and her kids. Presumably the money for your DC will be put in a trust?

People do equate money with love, unfortunately.

But I can see your parents just want their children to be safe. That's the best we can hope for with money.

Btw, who is the executor? Not DB1 I hope?

Its up to your parents what they do with their money. It's THEIR money. People always seem to believe that inheritance is a right. Imo its not. It's their money, they earned it.
It's no different to someone telling you that you can't buy the dress you want out of your own wages.
It has even less to do with your dh than anyone. It seems like you are on board with it all. Money causes such upset in families and its really not worth it.

Well it is sad you are upset but that isn't the situation the OP is describing.

I think If it was split equally

we would probably at an estimate get around 125,000 each. ( not including little brother ) but that is a whole different issue.

so although money I wouldn’t say it was a massive inheritance. But see that’s the point .. I see it as just over a years wage
my sister would see that as winning the lottery.

What's the problem?

Are you saying you should get more of what?

Equity Isn’t always equal in nature and that’s the whole point of it.

However I can also see the perspective of the person who is basically left out because they have been fortunate enough to secure a good income / career as sometimes (and not necessarily suggesting this is your family) some siblings are sacrificed continuously for others. When a child is capable and mentally strong they can often be overlooked and left to their own devices where many resources and parent time / energy is put into the siblings who aren’t as robust. I have personally experienced this! So whilst I’ve technically done better and don’t “need” any inheritance, a lot of my life has been impacted by the constant enabling of my pain in the arse sibling by my parents.
To then deny me further is just reinforcing the message isn’t it - we don’t bother to parent you to the same level because you don’t need it as much (which isn’t fair nor true)

When my father died he left everything to my youngest brother. They had cared for him over the years. My other brother and I received nothing. We were happy for him to have it all. We were both comfortably off. His need was greater for various reasons and he is a good man

When MIL died she left all equally between DH and BIL.
BIL wanted nothing to do with the property, he made this clear before she died. He then signed it fully over to us no monies involved.

If we ever sell it, we will still give him half if he's alive. No children to consider for him. It's a long term rental now.

However where money is involved things tend to get ugly for a lot of people.

It’s unfair. Why should be he punished for being successful. Presumably all the siblings had the same upbringing. Your sister and younger brother made bad life choices and he made good ones. They get rewarded and he gets punished.

@Troublesome3

"But see that’s the point .. I see it as just over a years wage
my sister would see that as winning the lottery."

And with the proposed split, she will be getting rather more than that.

I was in a similar situation when my father died last year. I was left a third of his estate and my brother two-thirds.

At first, I was very angry. What, he only loved me half as much as my brother?!?

But then, various things came to light while we were sorting out the funeral. I found out that my father had been supporting my brother and his family financially for quite a while.

To be frank, the difference for me between a one third and one half share of the estate wasn't all that great. But to my brother, that was a large amount of money.

I really don't begrudge my father giving extra to my brother when his family needed it.

@Another2Cats that’s lovely. As a parent I would like to think that my children would be happy for me to leave one of them more if they needed it. As pp have said it’s not about loving one child more than the other but recognising their different needs…