Inheritance issues !

[Troublesome3]

My parents ( both still living ) but battling health conditions spoke to my brother about the inheritance situation last week. He is not happy.
my parents are not splitting our inheritance equally between the 4 of us.
they think it’s not far to do so and have based it on our lifestyles / jobs.

the siblings are as followed

eldest DB works in a very high income job - I am not exactly sure what he does but it’s something to do with finance. His wife is an oncology consultant - they also received an inheritance previously which they bought their house with.
they have 2 kids - private education, no mortgage nice house and DB also had investment properties.

DS - is a single mum after leaving a very rocky relationship ( DV ) she works as a youth worker in a teen hospital ward earning around not very much but works hard. She currently private rents a 2 bed flat for her self and 2 DC 10 and 7.
she gets top up universal credits.

I have 2 children and a stepson in my care. Forensic pathologist and also qualified make up artist ( I know it’s a weird combo )
I bring home just under 100 k a year and have my late DP insurance. I own my house.
DC1 is severely disabled.

youngest DB has a lot of issues - mainly drugs / petty crime
he goes between living at parents to sofa surfing to disappearing and repeat.
he doesn’t work.

my parents have decided to leave us differently amounts.

my DS will receive the most

my youngest DB has a slight diff set up they are making sure he has accommodation and support but no money.

my eldest DB will receive less than myself and sister
and I will receive less than my sister but more than my DB.

DB1 is fuming and I do understand where his coming from but I also understand what they mean also and what they are trying to do.

are my parents being unreasonable ?

Pity that your parents revealed the terms of their wills at this stage. Just leads to trouble where the split is uneven. No matter what, those who are favoured (even for good reasons) will be seen as "more loved" than those who take a smaller share. There's no getting around that.

OK when the parents are gone, and the wills haven't changed, the same issues will arise, but there is no resentment/arguing while parents are alive.

I'd split four ways. If rich brother and comfortable sister are willing, they could vary the terms of the will or donate a portion of their quarter share to the less privileged siblings.

I see what you are saying but the parents haven’t said “we are allocating your inheritance according to who we love best”, they’ve said they want to ensure all the children are secure. It’s the children who are attaching emotional meaning to money, even though it’s been explained and does start to feel a bit grabby from the wealthiest.

My mum gave my brother £5k to do some house renovations because his house needed some work but not me because my house didn’t need work. Also she gave me £2k towards my wedding but not him because he’s never had a wedding. I don’t feel she loves him more, it’s just different situations and different needs.

I think splitting inheritance equally is the only fair way. If it were me, I think I’d try to help out the children who were hard up when I was alive.

You're spot on.

I find it fascinating how many people are saying that parents should always treat their adult children the same, even if their adult children haven't treated them (ie their parents) the same!

@NotARealWookiie because that is how it feels. You don’t know me. My mum maintains she loves me as much as my 2 siblings. but in her will they get £500k each and I get her £500 (yes£500, no k on the end)engagement ring that she never liked. Does it sound to you like she loves and values me the same as my 2 brothers?

Taken advantage of by the sibling

From my understanding the elder brother would get nothing at all. A slap in the face really.

It sounds like they have tried to be fair based on needs. My argument is it is never the children's to expect. Mine have cut me out fully, as way of punishment (narcissist dynamic and I stand up for myself and my family) but it is what it is. BW and hope it resolves.

I'm thinking spy and professional hula hooper!!

I don’t see it as showing how much they love each child, if your parents love all boils down to how much they leave you rather than all the love and support they have shown you through your life then you’ve got it all wrong.

I am in support of parents allocating their inheritance based on their children’s needs (if there is a wide disparity in their lives and I come etc) rather than equal just to show you live then equally.

If one child is doing really well, earns a high j come, has investment property etc then he is very greedy and selfish to be so upset unless there’s more to the story where the parents have consistently treated the kids differently.

Emotions run much deeper than money. You can't speak for everyone.

The trouble with dividing money based on "need" is that parents often won't really know who will need money. Someone with a large house may be about to go bankrupt, they may get divorced or very ill. It just seems like an excuse for favouritism.

Equal split otherwise it’s unfair and creates resentment. Also it’s no motivation to actually get on and do well in life.

Whilst I typically agree 4 way split is better.
This actually sounds really fair and well thought out. Money does not equal loving more. They are just trying to help their children after they are gone. Equal opportunities is not about treating everyone the same and that's what's happening here.

Saying that my parents left me and my sis 20k each and the grandchildren (my kids ) 20k each. Sis was furious that my family got 60k and she only got 20k (both my ds are adults )

That's the reason why they have split the way they have as my mother liked to call her brother golden boy who got everything and excelled at the expense of the other siblings. Bringing up children is not easy and sometimes you have to make tough choices that will benefit one child and not another. I see it at the school gates at my son's school one child is in private and another is in state school. They obviously threw a lot at the oldest and he wants more.

I understand why your DB is upset - he's done nothing "wrong" to get less money. However, I do agree with your parents in their choices. And it is their choice. Just as in life, it is entirely up to them how they divide their assets when they die.
They have the money to be able to make an enormous difference to your (struggling) siblings' lives when they're no longer around to help them.
If someone is already pretty well off then what difference does that money really make? A house extension? A fancier private school for the kids? More holidays?
All very much nice to have but not the difference between having a roof over your head or not.
There isn't a right or wrong answer here but I think it sensible for you all to have a conversation. You could even use a mediator if things get heated.
Ultimately, inheritance is not guaranteed.
A huge number of people get nothing, a lot of others get very little indeed - and none of that is 'fair'. Even people whose parents were well off sometimes end up with very little because of social care fees.
Life isn't fair; everyone should be grateful if they get any money given to them that theu haven't earned.

Ah right; you're saying you'd experience the anger and hurt to prevent your absent sibling experiencing the anger and hurt. I wouldn't.

if they left it all to the cats home they would be well within their rights to do so

absolutely. then the siblings would be treated equally and it wouldn't cause resentment, hurt and issues between them!

How will you know what their needs are and how can you be sure that they will remain the same? Wouldn't you hope that your children don't actually need an inheritance and that it will just be a nice bonus for them? I would also hope that I have brought them up to support each other so that the better off sibling would choose to give a much less well off sibling the money anyway.

It depends on the family. My childhood was terrible because my parents were constantly splitting up, blaming 4 year old me for crazy things like forgetting to buy a birthday card, money was incredibly tight. My sister is a fair bit younger than me and her childhood was in an upswing of our parents getting back together, making a lot of money in business, living in the best neighbourhood in the area.

Sorry but your parents sound incredibly ridiculous & pretentious to be dolling out who gets what with failing health & not enough money to actually take care of everybody "based on their needs (& having a child of there own whos fallen behind socially/financially!)

If I was you I'd tell them to shove it ... you can support your own child on £100,000 a year & value your relationship with your siblings too much to play into this bullshit

@coffeeaddict77 exactly. My mum thinks one sibling ‘needs’ money for school fees and house improvements and the other ‘needs’ money for house improvements, alcohol and cocaine. I don’t apparently ‘need’ money for anything, my school fees and house improvements are somehow different.

These threads always divide the room!

In my opinion anything other than equal splits (apart from very exceptional circumstances) has the potential to leave a very bitter legacy for the family. I work in a counselling related field and have seen how this can be devastating for relationships.

Like it or not, your actions 'from beyond the grave' will usually be experienced as an indication of the value you put on each child. It might not be reasonable or rational but I'm afraid that's how it often goes.

Yes, of course people have total freedom to choose how to distribute their money. But anyone who thinks there will not be ramifications if the split is so obviously unequal as the OP has described here is very naive.

Reading this thread makes me realise how many entitled people there are...

So if you had a child who wanted to be a doctor and they needed some financial help would you say no because your other child had left school, got an apprenticeship and was doing well? Or if one of your children needed surgery, the NHS waiting list was long would you say you couldn't pay for private treatment because you couldn't do the same for your other child who didn't actually need an operation. How about one child is at grammar school getting a good education and your other child has a condition the state system doesn't cope well with but you could pay for an excellent school.

I don't think the the same is always fair.

To me I think it would be cold hearted to refuse to help the child who needed it because it isn't "fair" which always sounds like something children say when squabbling.