Should I tell him baby is here?

[AngieR87]

My partner left me around 10 weeks ago , while pregnant with his child. I have a few weeks to go. Originally I was going to tell him when baby was born....but in the whole time we have been separated I've only heard from him a few times and on non of those occasions has he asked how our baby is doing.

I couldn't imagine not knowing how my unborn baby was doing. Because he hasn't been in touch I don't really feel I should tell him when baby is born. What do you think?

He hadn't been very kind to me during this breakup. I don't know if it was said in anger but he said at one point baby wasn't his and that I trapped him with baby (he said he wanted baby when I found out?

AIBU by not telling him when his child is born and just wait for him to ask?

I think it is inappropriate for you to not tell him just because he's not asked how you are. I mean unless there are complications or additional apps, scans etc then there's not much to tell.

I think if there are any issues you should tell him so he's aware then it's his choice to follow it up.
You should definitely tell him when his child is born but I would suggest setting boundaries such as when he can meet baby etc depending on how the birth went and how you are both doing.

So if it was a straightforward birth I'd say baby been born, all healthy, x weight, we will be home xyz or we are home now. I am trying to establish bf so would like some privacy but you are welcome to pop round to meet baby for an hour on xyz.

If you are in hospital for longer or any difficulties then think about what boundaries may be appropriate then so he can meet the baby.

Just wanted to send you some hugs. X

This.

It is not a legal requirement so someone is giving out wrong information.
Husband's are not put on the bc by force. What if they were still legally married and she'd moved on quickly? What if the baby was conceived via an affair? You wouldn't put the husband's name on would you, just because you're married??

Absolute nonsense.

From what I can see from Googling if you are married and he is the biological father then yes, his name has to go on the birth cert. If he is not the biological father then that is a different issue.

I'd say that once the new passport arrives, you won't be seeing him that much anyway...

Us women are expected to constantly take the moral high ground when it comes to our children even when we've been treated like shit. Some men feel entitled to know all about their child with unprompted updates and spout on about their "rights" yet can happily not see baby for weeks or months, or ask how you, mother of child, carrying a baby inside her belly, about to give birth, is doing. Personally from experience I would say don't bother. If he isn't bothered now and isn't asking you when baby is due, is everything ok, he's sitting back feet up and relying on you to just hand over all info to him on a plate, because, well it's his RIGHT as a father. No. If he isn't interested now you might end up regretting giving him undue information and chances to be involved or give a shit about his own (I assume?) first child when he inevitably doesn't care that much. You will very possibly be perplexed and upset and even angry at the idea that he doesn't seem to love your gorgeous, perfect, little human you've just brought into the world. You don't need that stress. Decent men would at least see you through the pregnancy to make sure you are okay whether you are together or not. He clearly isn't decent.

Good luck with everything and enjoy your baby! I would only tell him if he bothers asking, otherwise don't give it a second thought :). Xx

Yes, I would tell him. But not straight away, simply because you will most likely be vulnerable, exhausted, trying to BF and be dealing with the emotions of having a child, and one who's father has abandoned him. I would wait a few days and then do it, possibly after you've registered. No one could blame you for that.

@hot2trotter

The legislation states 'if you were married at the time of conception' - it's not about being married and having a baby with someone else

Probably the best option anyway.
He will be needed to prove he is not the father or pay .
If OP contacts him that baby is here and he deny’s the baby then it upsets her and she will
have to contact the CMS anyway.

What paperwork? I've registered two births in England and never had any paperwork for the Registrar.

@AngieR87

Please follow up on all the advice about seeing a solicitor now rather than later, OP. I added the link to the Find a Solicitor page earlier.

It sounds to me as though he is preparing to leave the country and not come back for some time, in the hope that he can try to avoid any financial responsibility for the baby.

If you can say which town or city you would be able to get to easily in Scotland, someone should be able to suggest a suitable solicitor for you.

I honestly think that he intends to leave the UK before the birth.

See a solicitor this week.

@ReadingSoManyThreads

OP is in Scotland.

Don't sink to his level. Let him know that the baby has arrived. Keep it vague, no details. Then you've done your bit. He can't then turn around and make you out to be the bad guy, telling people you didn't even let him know his baby had been born. It's then up to him to make arrangements to see the baby etc. Also make sure you go through CMS for maintenance.

Do you have support for during and after the birth? Mum? Sister? That should be your priority now

YANBU

I wouldn't bother telling him or offer him up any information, based on the information you've stated on here.

If he asked, then I would tell him.

I would not let him have the baby unsupervised, in case he takes baby back to his home country.

I'd give baby your own surname (which you can still use despite not being divorced yet). If he's going to be hard work or a difficult co-parent, I'd just carry on as you are with raising baby on your own, it'll be easier that way.

You cannot force a man to want to love and care for his child, nor should you have to.

OP I remember your post .
I honestly think this man will leave the country sounds like he’s sorting paperwork passports and his future and it’s certainly not sounding like you or his child will be In it.

If I remember correctly he was a cocklodger .
Sounds like he will leave the country so as not to pay for your child.

Yes you are right any decent person would send a txt asking if you and baby ok.
He isn’t decent and he doesn’t care . I hope you are doing ok.

I would be tempted to move south of the border for a month or so and have the baby and register the birth in England if you have the money/support network to do this.

I think it’s better to tell him. You have to think ahead to the future and you don’t want to regret not doing the right thing, (even if he is not). You could perhaps tell him after you registered the baby, if preferred (if you think he might cause an issue if the baby doesn’t have his name.)

sorry you are in this situation

If you want the baby to have your surname and you took your husband's name on marriage but intend to revert to your maiden name asap or after divorce, it might be worth seeking advice about whether you can put your maiden name as your surname on the birth certificate without any problem. If so, do you need to have formally reverted to your maiden name first eg. on passport/driving licence/NHS records - I don't know the law in Scotland. Just a thought.

Your choice of course but I feel like you're hoping he'll show interest and that when he doesn't, you'll be very hurt.

Birth is a huge drama, the biggest event of yours and baby's lives. I would gently encourage you to focus on your own well-being and give him as little headspace as possible.

He's treating you abysmally and that must be very painful.

What sort of support do you have?

I'd imagine she'd need to go back to maiden name on her medical info first. Then when she delivers she'll be "OP Jones" instead of "OP Smith" and baby will then get named on its tag "Baby Jones" and registering will be "OP Jones registers baby Jones".

You can give your baby any name you want

It is in Scotland. If biological parents are married at the time of conception, both have to be on the birth certificate. If you're not married to the father but you are married to someone else, you don't have to put any name on the birth certificate.

So OP could pretend her husband isn't the father and then put no name on the birth certificate, but she would be breaking Scottish law.

It's madness, and very frustrating in cases like this where the biological father clearly wants nothing to do with the child. But it is the law.

Your user name is very appropriate! So what if he holds it against her? It is up to OP to decide who can be at the birth. Why she want her nasty ex there?

In Scotland -

What documents you'll need

You should have both:

• the card issued by the hospital
• if the parents are married or in a civil partnership, the marriage or civil partnership certificate

You can still register if you don't have these documents but it will be easier if you do.