Should I tell him baby is here?

[AngieR87]

My partner left me around 10 weeks ago , while pregnant with his child. I have a few weeks to go. Originally I was going to tell him when baby was born....but in the whole time we have been separated I've only heard from him a few times and on non of those occasions has he asked how our baby is doing.

I couldn't imagine not knowing how my unborn baby was doing. Because he hasn't been in touch I don't really feel I should tell him when baby is born. What do you think?

He hadn't been very kind to me during this breakup. I don't know if it was said in anger but he said at one point baby wasn't his and that I trapped him with baby (he said he wanted baby when I found out?

AIBU by not telling him when his child is born and just wait for him to ask?

I would wait and see how you feel once the baby is born and you've had time adapt and bond with baby. If he contacts your before then - then tell him. But have your time with baby - he's had 9 months to contact you and is aware of the due date.

He will be bleating on regardless of what the OP does or doesn't do. So no, she doesn't need to be the bigger person here - she is always going to be that. She doesn't need to put her feelings aside and pander to a man who has run away from his baby before it has been born.

I despair of some women. Why not lie down and let him wipe his feet while he is at it?

You're married, you're carrying his child and it's been a complicated pregnancy - fuck him, he's an utter c*nt for not checking in on you.

Register the baby in your name, THEN tell him. Either by way of child support claim, or by letting him know he'll hear from them soon.

This.

Passport ?!!!

That's nice he can afford a holiday...

or is he not planning on returning to Scotland.

Don’t give him anything to use against you. Tell him when the baby arrives but then leave the ball in his court. I doubt he is going to want any involvement.

Pleeeeease please please give the baby your name and not his.

It's sent electronically now.

I have to say I can see where other posters are coming from in that you have separated so he probably doesn’t feel any need to check on his ex. Is that nice? No. But then I wouldn’t expect nicety from a man who left his wife while pregnant.

I would tell him though, then leave the ball in his court as to involvement.

@TheTigerWhoCameToEatMyHusband

In Scotland?

He doesn’t care about you, which is unfortunate. But I don’t think you should be spiteful because of this. He’s entitled to know his baby has been born.

Strongly agree with this.

For so many posters it seems to be a race to the bottom, an "he's being unfair so I'll be unfair back" and all that does is make you into someone worse.

Be a adult. Send him a message telling him his child was born, and what he does after that is up to him.

Unless he is abusive, yes you should tell him. The child deserves to know their parent and make their own mind up. Rather than think about whether he should know, start planning what visitation etc you’d like so you can be prepared if/when he comes asking for contact. Plus you need to ask him for payment to raise the child.

I would tell him, for the sole reason that when my child was grown, I'd want to let them know that I gave their father every opportunity to be involved in their life. What happens then is on him.

Don't put his name on the birth certificate

Do what you want to do. If you want to tell him then do. After his rotten behaviour I don't think you are obliged to. I disagree there is nothing a person can do when their partner is pregnant. How awful to abandon them at this time. Its beyond awful and mean.

Of course it’s wrong he’s not asked about you. I would let him ask around due date, if he can’t be bothered checking then I wouldn’t update him

If he wants to co parent then unfortunately you will have to learn to manage that, you both made this baby so unless you have a very concerning reason to keep him away from the baby he is entitled to have a relationship with his child. I can see how your tempted to just not tell him to save any drama or stress but won’t it be far more drama if he finds out say in a month or two and then you will also look in the wrong for not telling him. Yes he should have messaged you around due date to see if child was born and ok. I would be the bigger person and send him a text…. baby was born on X date and they’re doing well. Then do a cms claim. He can then reach out or not but at least you have been reasonable and will face no bad comeback.

Can posters RTWT? Or at least OP's posts? She says quite clearly her local register office has said he must be on the certificate.

@AngieR87 I would tell him in order to be the bigger person and be able to honestly tell your child when older, and busybodies enquiring, you did everything you could to facilitate a relationship. After baby is registered I'd send a succinct message with name and DOB and say you'll be hearing from CMS in due course. Leave the rest up to him.
Absolutely appalling behaviour on his part, of course. You're quite right that the way for him to check on his baby is to ask after you/scans/midwife appointments.

Reading your post has brought up some awful memories as i too, was left by the father of my child when I was as pregnant.

I can hand on heart say it was the hardest time of my life, and I’d never felt so low, abandoned and vulnerable.

I made a decision that I was going to make the worst heartbreak of my life, make me better person, not bitter. I didn’t want to spend the most precious years of my child’s life feeling low, lost and sad.

I ended up contacting him in the middle of the night when I went into labour, he did end up coming to birth and he has turned out to be a very good dad. He’s pays financially and sees our child every other weekend and a day in the week. We coparent pretty well together, although I can never forget how he treated me when I needed him the most.
Because he’s a good dad, I’ve had to separate him being a good father to an awful partner. I love my daughter more than I love myself so I will never stand in the way of their relationship.

Sometimes, things turn out better than you expect them to.
I really do hope it turns out the same for you, and you need to look after yourself. Regardless of how he is being now, or in the future, you’ll be ok.

Take one day at a time, and see how you feel when the baby is born. Maybe a text to say the baby is born and well, but after that your job is to be a mother, and please don’t let him ruin it for you. You get 5 years of having a little one, when they’re young and innocent and just the best years. You don’t get that time back, so do separate your feelings and look after yourself ❤️

Register the birth without him and obviously give the baby your surname then contact CMS and see if he gets in touch to ask how you and the baby are doing.

You and baby first.
Speak to a solicitor now about divorce - as PP mentioned you'll have other priorities when born.
Register the birth as soon as baby is born.

Then see how you feel.
You don't need to tell him immediately. (He can calculate 9 months, he knows when baby is due)
Once you & baby are home safe & the birth is registered, you can tell him then.

I don't think I'd bother to be honest,he knows when the baby is due and he's shown no interest in yours or your baby's welfare up to this point since you split so it's unlikely he will change once your baby is born.It doesn't sound like he will be around anyway if he's going abroad,surely any decent father wouldn't dream of going abroad around the time their baby is due.I think you and your baby will be a lot better off without him in your lives.

Congratulations on your baby!

I wouldn't wait until the baby is born. At least let him know when the baby is on the way. Leave it up to him to decide if he wants to be there. He will only hold it against you and keep reminding you he never had the chance to be there.