Should I tell him baby is here?

[AngieR87]

My partner left me around 10 weeks ago , while pregnant with his child. I have a few weeks to go. Originally I was going to tell him when baby was born....but in the whole time we have been separated I've only heard from him a few times and on non of those occasions has he asked how our baby is doing.

I couldn't imagine not knowing how my unborn baby was doing. Because he hasn't been in touch I don't really feel I should tell him when baby is born. What do you think?

He hadn't been very kind to me during this breakup. I don't know if it was said in anger but he said at one point baby wasn't his and that I trapped him with baby (he said he wanted baby when I found out?

AIBU by not telling him when his child is born and just wait for him to ask?

Get divorce proceedings underway now - if he’s planning on being out of the country, you’ve no guarantee that he will actually come back and that can complicate matters.

Is there anyone you can delegate to?

A trusted person could pass on a purely factual update (baby born on x date, weighing x, men and baby well) one you get home or whenever you want, and then you don’t have the stress of waiting for a reply (or not). You could set it up so that they don’t even tell you when they send it.

It has the advantage of keeping your dignity - you’re doing the right thing by baby, without distraction at a really important bonding time.

I’m so so sorry this has happened. You and your baby deserve better. I think perhaps the only principle that can guide you is what’s best for your baby. If it will jeopardise your relationship with him further and he is likely to hold it against you AND your baby if you don’t tell him, then maybe it’s best to tell him.

Sounds like even if you brought fatherhood to him gift wrapped, and spoon fed it to him he'd still fail to engage.

Don't bother trying to nail blancmange to the ceiling, you've got enough to worry about than the utter waste of energy that would be.

He knows where you are and if in the future he whines about you not having provided a yellow brick road for him to skip down, you can indicate his apparent total lack of interest was his choice, not yours.

As for the pp asking why should he enquire about you cos baby isn't here yet, well, 🤦

But the baby and Mum are not separate during the pregnancy. Asking about the Mum IS how you ask about the baby. Taking care of the Mum during pregnancy is how you take care of the baby.

Sorry you are going through this OP. Hope you have friends and family to support you during birth and postpartum.

Agree with previous posters who've suggested informing him after the birth is registered and just saying something along the lines of "baby is here" and sharing nothing else.

this. He’s showing you who he is. Don’t think about him one second more.

It’s not petty to not reach out. Your responsibility is to you and baby and that’s it. I’d send him a message AFTER registering baby, something neutral and bare bones like baby is here, doing ok.

I don’t understand this, he says you trapped him with the baby but you are already married?! I can understand if he said then when you were just dating, not that it is an appropriate thing to say but this makes no logical sense! If he didn’t want to be “trapped” (his words) why did he marry you in the first place?! Bizarre behaviour. You please take care of yourself and the baby.

You can tell him once the baby is born and then see what he does about it. Atleast then your conscience is clear. Gives him a chance to step up and do the right thing once his wife has given birth. If he doesn’t bother you will know he atleast can’t blame you for not informing him.

How is the baby doing? How did your last scan go? Is it moving about lots now? How big will it be now?

There were loads of questions you can ask about an unborn baby, and this doesn’t even touch on what you can ask about a pregnant mother.

Why would OP want him there as she’s giving birth? It may be his baby, but it’s her labour and delivery.

He ABANDONED you and the baby. Why is this unclear? He did it for his own reasons, no reason, whatever reason. Prepare to have and raise the baby on your iwn prepare to divorce him so he can make no claim on you and to be sure his debts are his alone.

You mentioned he was looking for paperwork for a passport? Is he planning to go overseas - and is he British? Am wondering whether he does have real plans to stick around?

I was the 'bigger person' in this situation. He went violently mental when he found out I was pregnant, did a campaign with his friends to pressure me into an abortion and then left me when that didn't work and made me out to be the devil who trapped him to all and sundry. I facilitated a relationship and told him when DS1 was born, put him on the BC, even double barrelled his name, diligently took DS to the contact centres, went through court, quietly accepted the £20 a week CMS etc but 20 years later I wish I hadn't bothered and I wish for the sake of DS I had just cut him off. The harm it causes to children when one parent isn't interested and cba is horrible. Add to that when they are awful towards the other parent, it just isn't worth being the 'bigger person' IME. It does more harm than good to the person who didn't ask for any of this...the child.

I wouldn't. If he wants to know, he can put in the effort to find out himself.

What an absolute dick. YANBU at all to not want to tell him.

However, I probably would tell him because (a) if there’s any court dispute in future over custody arrangements etc. you always want to look like the bigger/more reasonable person and (b) if he does continue to be awful you want to be able to tell your child that you gave him every opportunity to be a dad, even when he didn’t deserve it.

Like fuck would I be showing him any consideration.

How long were you together before baby?

This seems an odd legal requirement. Some people informally separate and move on quickly with a new partner but don’t sort out legal steps to separation and divorce immediately.

What if a woman has a child from an affair the husband knows about and has left her because of it but hasn’t yet divorced? He ends up logged a father of a child that isn’t his because he is still married to the woman having the baby?

So you could be having a new man’s baby but have to put your husband down as the father even if he biologically isn’t?

We seem to moving back to the days of women and children as property after marriage.

It has to be nuanced than “if your are married that man goes on the birth certificate wether you or he agree or not”

That's awful. I'm so sorry that you and your child went through this @Rangelife

I’d be the bigger person by letting him know, but other than a quick text I wouldn’t be chasing him or anything else.

I've just seen that he has other children. Did he see them regularly while you were together?

It's so depressing

Congratulations on your pregnancy, I’m sorry you’ve been abandoned by your husband during this vulnerable time.

I completely understand why it’s tempting to try to give him a wake up call by shutting him out. But I think you need to consult with a solicitor to learn more about how you can protect yourself in the event that your husband suddenly petitions for joint custody in the future. My worry would be that if you haven’t made an effort to keep him updated on the baby’s birth (even though he is not asking and generally being a POS) then it might backfire on you if he later claims that you didn’t give him enough opportunity to be part of the child’s life and that’s why he has been absent.

I wouldn’t.

do not put him on the birth certificate.

let him know with a CMS claim.

I quite like @Kittykat9070 's post and it is a good outcome, but I think this above is a good list for going forward

You must put yourself and baby first - he isn't going to.
It doesn't sound like you could guarantee he would be a helpful person to have at the actual birth and that he wouldn't upset you more either by being unkind or saying he'd come and not turning up,

Guarantee yourself a lack of drama.

Its not "spiteful" to tell him when you are ready, rather than immediately when you go into labour, that's self-protection for your mental health as well as your current physical health and It's not much to ask under the circumstances. Make a birth plan you are happy with. Speak to your midwife and ask her advice and plan how you want the birth to go.

Then when you are home, or doing well in hospital you can, as previous poster said have a polite message sent via a trusted person. Screenshot that and other contacts made since he left.

I don't think you have to worry about 10 years hence. I see what the posters mean, but anything could happen in that time and he's unpredictable. I don't think waiting a week or so until you are ready will make any difference in the scheme of things. You will have proof you informed him. If he's going to be difficult in the future, whining that he wasn't treated well when he Abandoned you, he will anyway, whatever you do now. You can deal with that if and when the need arises, but you have to be concerned with your immediate birth and what makes it easier for you right now. It's not about him now, it's about getting through this pregnancy and your baby.
Having said that @SillyBilly1993 made a good point about checking with a solicitor to make sure you have given the right amount of info.

I'd add to this list. Get your baby its passport ASAP too.
Hope you are doing well OP and that everything goes smoothly.

Even though he's being a dick, I would still tell him. Just a text message to say baby boy/girl was born at X. Weighs X. He/she is healthy. Then leave it at that.

It is then in his court.

Dont lower yourself to playing games just because he is

This.