DH and the breast milk saga

[MilkyBadBoy]

DD2 is 10 weeks old and EBF. Yesterday I left DH with her and DD1 who is two, for and hour whilst I popped out. DD2 had not long been fed but I left DH with a frozen pouch of breast milk just in case, and two deconstructed sterilised bottles in the steriliser.

After 25 mins I got a call to ask whether the condensation in the sterilised bottles had chemicals in that needed rinsing out before pouring the defrosted milk in and I explained that no, you don’t rinse sterilised bottles and you also touch as little as possible- certainly not the teat. (Remember, we covered this in NCT class with DD1’, ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok.’)

DD1 disliked the bottle so DH didn’t get much practice first time around but not for lack of trying- at least 20 or 30 occasions of him having to prepare the bottle of breast milk from frozen whilst I popped out.

When I got back, DD2 was asleep but the bottle was still full, on the side and DH explained that she’d fallen back asleep before he’d had a chance to offer it to her anyway. Ok, not a problem. But, he said, DD1 had touched the teat, so it wasn’t sterile any longer. I looked over and saw there was no lid on the bottle, he’d just left it out in the open. He said he didn’t use lids. I explained that you have to use the lid to keep it sterile and obviously curious DD1 would touch it otherwise if she saw it on the table. ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok’.

So we go together to the steriliser and I walk him through putting the other bottle together, transferring the milk, not touching the teat and putting on the lid. Fine.

In the meantime DD2 wakes up so he had a chance to try again, which he did. He promptly poured a full 80ml bottle all over himself and her because he hadn’t actually fully tightened the lid. Disaster, much swearing. Then he says ‘wow it’s hot’. Didn’t you test the temp rather on your wrist?’ ‘Huh? No.’

!!!!!!

Luckily not scalding but I was pretty annoyed by this point. Full outfit chance for both required, with him asking ‘where do we keep her clothes?’ (Erm, where we have kept them for the last ten weeks, right by the changing mat, which we use about ten times a day?!)

I calm down, go into the kitchen to clear up the absolute disaster zone that has developed in the whole hour I’ve been out of the house. I pick up the empty milk pouch to throw it in the bin (just discarded on the side). It hasn’t been cut. He’s just reopened the seal and poured the milk out over the unsterilised opening, straight into the bottle.

Thankfully none of the milk ended up being drunk in the end, but I can count 5 unacceptable ‘no no’s here.

YANBU= Weaponised incompetence at its finest
YABU= Mea culpa, I should have delivered a full detailed walk through and left an instructional video before I attempted to leave the house

(PS, no I won’t be LTB, so please save your breath)

If he hasn't done it before then I think he should have talked you through it before you went out. I don't think it's weaponised incompetence I think he is genuinely thick.

I totally understand. BUT you must remember those early days with dd1. Everyone is tired, everyone is adjusting, everything becomes magnified.

Try to be calm and try to give him the benefit of the doubt, especially if he's otherwise a good man.

And perhaps, in a calm time you can discuss what happened and why he seemed to lose his rational ability!

But, yeah, I'd be pretty annoyed. Why do YOU have to be the gatekeeper of doing things properly and remembering these things? And can he seriously not know where the clothes are kept? I agree it's not good enough. It's how you sort it out now that matters.

I don't think it's weaponised incompetence I think he is genuinely thick.

That's the funniest line. I would also be a bit annoyed OP.

Why was breast milk hot? Unless I've misread, it's very early I might have

Don't worry too much about it being sterile - it's more for when using formula.

Whilst I can understand your frustration around him not knowing where the clothes are (I wouldn’t put up with that from DH!), I think you’re being a bit patronising with the bottle. Multiple times DH or I didn’t put the lid on the bottle properly for DD1 and 2 and ended up pouring the milk all over them or us. It wasn’t weaponised incompetence but sleep deprivation and a mistake.

Your DD2 will be absolutely fine with one bottle with a teat that might have been touched and him not cutting the bag. Obviously you try and keep them as clean as possible but she’ll be fine.

YANBU, a few of these things would have set me off. But I do think the teat thing and the cutting of the bag thing were a bit much. I never worried about those things, you can bring babies up completely sterile :) so while yes, complete weaponised incompetence, there are some points I would say you're getting needlessly wound up about.

Also, don't "go through" it with him. I spent so much time with my therapist going through weaponised incompetence and when you "teach" them, "go through" it with them, the pressure is on you as the teacher again to have done that right in a way they understand. Just tell him it's wrong and do better next time. Make him put in the time to research it. Make him seek your approval, make him understand he's done it wrong and HE needs to correct that, not wait for you to come running to fix it.

It's hard, I know, but honestly, after a month of me stopping "okay, let me show you" for the 50th time (after I'd done the research for myself to make sure I got it right and he hadn't bothered) he started doing the research himself, realising he was letting me down and I wasn't about to hand him all the answers.

It all sounds a bit over the top to be honest.
Pretty sure I didn't cut the bags.

If you've got those bloody awful MAM bottles that have about 4 parts. I'd let him off. They are a nightmare to put together properly. If bit. Then he's an idiot.

Though leaving the lid off wouldn't bother me.

Do you have some sort of germ phobia?
It all sounds rather OTT.

Breastfed babies don’t need their bottles sterilising btw! You only need to sterilise because formula can contain harmful bacteria. Breastmilk doesn’t have it, so hot water and soap is absolutely fine. And your older daughter will be touching the baby, you can’t sterilise her!

Yes i wondered this too. And why did op clean up?

but you might just have to keep lowering your standards until you have none. His attitude you described was shockingly dismissive of so much wasted breast milk.

If baby was born healthy and full term you don’t need to sterilise anything for using with breastmilk, so that was a load of unnecessary faff and hassle, unless there’s a drip feed about your baby being premature or with a medical issue.

I started reading this thinking what a wally DH sounds but by the end, slightly losing sympathy, some of this is OTT.

Sterilising is to kill any bacteria that might be present in leftover formula milk after improper washing. It’s not because babies need laboratory style sterility. It all sounds a bit OTT on the germ front. And why did you clean up? He’s not going to start doing thong properly if you quite literally swoop in to clean up his mess. I’m confused why it was hot too.

The breast milk was frozen.

Interested to read these responses- this started as a vent but perhaps I am being OTT. Genuine question then- if you don’t need sterilisation for breast milk/bottles, why do they say to do so for the Hakka/ pumps? What about if being kept in the fridge for a couple of days? Surely you’d want a sterilised lid on?

Some babies prefer breast milk warmed to body temp (not hot) so usually put in a water bath (submerge bottle in a cup of hot water for a few mins to take the chill off… not hot, as DH had somehow managed).

I assume they popped it into a bottle warmer or warmed the bottle in a sink of warm water but the water was too hot.
i never cut the frozen milk bag- I always opened from the top (didn’t know I have to cut it and I was using them about 3 yrs ago so not too long ago)

Breastmilk is sterile, so no need for all the faffing of sterilising and not touching the teat…….

It's more important to be properly washed with BM than sterilised.

I've had one FF baby and now a BF one and I don't do lots of these things with the current BF one as I thought breastmilk was sterile and youre trying to kill potential bacteria in the formula? I cut the bags of expressed milk but for ease of opening, I wouldn't really consider the seal.

Anyway, your DH was still being a wally. Spilling hot milk on a baby would make me cross. As would the clothes thing. As would the mess - I have exactly the same with my DH - I'm home all day with both kids and it's reasonably tidy at the end of the day. I leave for one hour and it looks like a tornado has hit the house on return.

You are being OTT about the sterilising especially since it’s breast milk and not formula. Even with formula I wouldn’t be that OTT.

I sterilised everything for every use with pumping and storing but only because I was stuck in hospital for days and was religiously following hospital protocol that has been demonstrated. So sterilised everything every 3 hours!

This was until a midwife helpfully told me that breast milk is naturally sterile and antibacterial so I only needed to serialise the pumping stuff once a day. Felt weird to leave it all milky but I certainly got more sleep after that.

Do you sterilise your breast before you feed her each time??