DH and the breast milk saga

[MilkyBadBoy]

DD2 is 10 weeks old and EBF. Yesterday I left DH with her and DD1 who is two, for and hour whilst I popped out. DD2 had not long been fed but I left DH with a frozen pouch of breast milk just in case, and two deconstructed sterilised bottles in the steriliser.

After 25 mins I got a call to ask whether the condensation in the sterilised bottles had chemicals in that needed rinsing out before pouring the defrosted milk in and I explained that no, you don’t rinse sterilised bottles and you also touch as little as possible- certainly not the teat. (Remember, we covered this in NCT class with DD1’, ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok.’)

DD1 disliked the bottle so DH didn’t get much practice first time around but not for lack of trying- at least 20 or 30 occasions of him having to prepare the bottle of breast milk from frozen whilst I popped out.

When I got back, DD2 was asleep but the bottle was still full, on the side and DH explained that she’d fallen back asleep before he’d had a chance to offer it to her anyway. Ok, not a problem. But, he said, DD1 had touched the teat, so it wasn’t sterile any longer. I looked over and saw there was no lid on the bottle, he’d just left it out in the open. He said he didn’t use lids. I explained that you have to use the lid to keep it sterile and obviously curious DD1 would touch it otherwise if she saw it on the table. ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok’.

So we go together to the steriliser and I walk him through putting the other bottle together, transferring the milk, not touching the teat and putting on the lid. Fine.

In the meantime DD2 wakes up so he had a chance to try again, which he did. He promptly poured a full 80ml bottle all over himself and her because he hadn’t actually fully tightened the lid. Disaster, much swearing. Then he says ‘wow it’s hot’. Didn’t you test the temp rather on your wrist?’ ‘Huh? No.’

!!!!!!

Luckily not scalding but I was pretty annoyed by this point. Full outfit chance for both required, with him asking ‘where do we keep her clothes?’ (Erm, where we have kept them for the last ten weeks, right by the changing mat, which we use about ten times a day?!)

I calm down, go into the kitchen to clear up the absolute disaster zone that has developed in the whole hour I’ve been out of the house. I pick up the empty milk pouch to throw it in the bin (just discarded on the side). It hasn’t been cut. He’s just reopened the seal and poured the milk out over the unsterilised opening, straight into the bottle.

Thankfully none of the milk ended up being drunk in the end, but I can count 5 unacceptable ‘no no’s here.

YANBU= Weaponised incompetence at its finest
YABU= Mea culpa, I should have delivered a full detailed walk through and left an instructional video before I attempted to leave the house

(PS, no I won’t be LTB, so please save your breath)

Tbh a bit over the top 5 kids 3 toddlers all survived touched teats lol

I’m not voting as I don’t agree with either of your options.

I would probably have gone ballistic about the milk being hot. Imagine if he hadn't fucked up everything else as well and fortunately spilt it, and your Dd has scalded her mouth on hot milk? Well I'm sure you did imagine that. Did he imagine it? That would be horrendous.

The rest of it I'd just make him clear up and do it all again until he had sorted himself out.

Swear you don’t need to sterilise bottles for BM. Just wash in warm soapy wate. That was the advice when I was bf. I remember a lacto consultant telling me they studied BM left out on the side and it gets more antibacterial! So don’t worry so much.

I do hope that this will be one of those rare threads where the OP actually listens to being told that her behaviour is the challenging issue and not her husband’s, so she can change the way she is doing things and apologise.

And I’ve never heated BM. I didn’t think you were meant to as it kills all the live stuff that’s in it?

The milk being too hot wasn't OK. But there's no need to sterilise so much with breast milk. I never cut the bags. Bottles think I mostly did hot soapy water and then air dry. Definitely no need to stress about the teat being uncovered. I'm assuming you don't sterilise your boob before baby goes near it? With formula it's different.

Pretty sure that at this stage of having a newborn and a toddler you can legally club him to death with a breast pump and bury the body under the patio.

I think OP has probably got the message now re: sterilisation.

I would have been cross about the heat of the milk bit, BUT ....

i wonder if by that point he was flustered?

I'm a perfectly competent person, but i know when my DH gets impatient with me because i've fucked something up he has a way of making me flap about like a total prat! I don't know how he does it, but i hate it and i hate myself for being like it and feeling like a tit. I'm not like it with anyone else.

Maybe there's a bit of that going on with your DH?

I always heated in warm water. Neither of mine would take it cold. It’s absolutely fine. Sounds like the husband used the microwave though, which you don’t do.

All the “OTT, not that bad” replies are missing the worst bit which for me isn’t the spilling all that milk – though the waste and disregard for the fucking work of expressing would have me spitting feathers – it’s “where do we keep the clothes?” That blatant casual “all knowledge of the kids is your job, my brain is too important for information” is red rag to a bull to me – a total flashpoint of FUCK OFF. Flip it round: I bet two bottles of hard-won expressed milk that OP would never ask such a stupid fucking question of her husband.

The annoying thing is you can’t leave the baby with him for a full day, zero instructions, so he learns, without the ballache of expressing first.

He overheated the milk but that’s the only issue here. All the other stuff is just noise the OP is making whilst she is actually in the wrong.

YANBU= Weaponised incompetence at its finest
YABU= Mea culpa, I should have delivered a full detailed walk through and left an instructional video before I attempted to leave the house

neither!!

I also don't think you need to sterile so obsessively for breast milk, sterilisation is meant for formula as it's the formula that's not sterile. Breastmilk is naturally sterile.
Let him off. He probably feels shit. Easy mistake to make. your standards are clearly very high!

I've never sterilised bottles for breast milk? A good wash once used with warm soapy water, and rinsed and then I'd fill with freshly boiled water and tip it back out before putting breast milk in? Breast milk is sterile.

I know this isn’t the point but If he knew hard it was to express and save 80ml of breast milk himself he would have treated it like liquid gold.

i say he’s an idiot.

Yeah agree with others you’re being OTT and PFB about it all really. But he definitely should have tested the temperature of the milk, that’s a bit idiotic

Nope, can't get past that WTF username MilkyBadBoy

You have had a second child with him and have instructed posters not to tell you to leave, so presumably he’s a good partner and dad?

In that case, just talk to him and make sure you baby is safe in terms of testing the temperature of the milk which I agree should be obvious.

The other stuff is you being ridiculous and you sound like one of those women who wants to slag off your husband to be in some sort of club, but if anyone said he sounds awful, you would start defending him and take offence. 🙄

Communicate as your relationship will go to shit. You’ve got two young kids, you need to be a team, not more bothered with getting others to say you’re husband is useless, (but not to useless because you’re staying with him). It’s pathetic.

I'd be annoyed about wasting the expressed milk for sure. Also the not knowing where things are etc. He does need to step up.

However I'd leave him to figure out a lot of it on his own (apart from the hot milk that's a safety issue) and clean up his own mess. It's OK for him to do things his way too. I have a friend who does everything for her kids and picks apart anything her DH does to the point that he won't/can't even get the kid a drink of water. No thanks!!

Ditch the steriliser, tell him you were wrong about that and dd1 touching the teat briefly, apologise for getting ratty, tell him never to microwave a bottle, if that’s what he did, remind him where the baby’s clothes are (I know!), and don’t swoop in all the time to clean up and ‘put things right’ - you’re not, and don’t have to be Mary Poppins!

I think you're being a tad precious about the bag not being cut - but everything else, if he's not delirious through exhaustion I'd be annoyed about too.

I didn't realise I didn't need to steralise bottles for breast milk, that's literally minutes wasted 15 years ago!

Just thought, us all critiquing the over zealous sterilisation routine is missing the point. The point is, that's the process he agreed to do and took responsibility for. It could have been anything eg. he ruined their clothes by not following washing instructions or wasted their dinner by not caring enough to follow the recipe. The point is he agreed to do 'a task'- doesn't matter what it was- an colossally fucked up what was agreed to do.

Have to say I agree with others, the milk too hot is probably the only thing 'wrong'. Spilling milk whilst annoying, is just a mistake. Definitely didn't cut the bags and worry about touching the teat with breast milk though. And didn't sterilise pump or bottles for breast milk - your breasts aren't sterile and there aren't the harmful bacteria in breast milk that need to be killed like there is in formula. Hot soapy water and clean hands is enough, this was even promoted for pumping parts during months in NICU with DS1.

I'd have to agree - while recognising you have a newborn & not wanting to pile on.

I think you both need to cut each other some slack.