DH and the breast milk saga

[MilkyBadBoy]

DD2 is 10 weeks old and EBF. Yesterday I left DH with her and DD1 who is two, for and hour whilst I popped out. DD2 had not long been fed but I left DH with a frozen pouch of breast milk just in case, and two deconstructed sterilised bottles in the steriliser.

After 25 mins I got a call to ask whether the condensation in the sterilised bottles had chemicals in that needed rinsing out before pouring the defrosted milk in and I explained that no, you don’t rinse sterilised bottles and you also touch as little as possible- certainly not the teat. (Remember, we covered this in NCT class with DD1’, ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok.’)

DD1 disliked the bottle so DH didn’t get much practice first time around but not for lack of trying- at least 20 or 30 occasions of him having to prepare the bottle of breast milk from frozen whilst I popped out.

When I got back, DD2 was asleep but the bottle was still full, on the side and DH explained that she’d fallen back asleep before he’d had a chance to offer it to her anyway. Ok, not a problem. But, he said, DD1 had touched the teat, so it wasn’t sterile any longer. I looked over and saw there was no lid on the bottle, he’d just left it out in the open. He said he didn’t use lids. I explained that you have to use the lid to keep it sterile and obviously curious DD1 would touch it otherwise if she saw it on the table. ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok’.

So we go together to the steriliser and I walk him through putting the other bottle together, transferring the milk, not touching the teat and putting on the lid. Fine.

In the meantime DD2 wakes up so he had a chance to try again, which he did. He promptly poured a full 80ml bottle all over himself and her because he hadn’t actually fully tightened the lid. Disaster, much swearing. Then he says ‘wow it’s hot’. Didn’t you test the temp rather on your wrist?’ ‘Huh? No.’

!!!!!!

Luckily not scalding but I was pretty annoyed by this point. Full outfit chance for both required, with him asking ‘where do we keep her clothes?’ (Erm, where we have kept them for the last ten weeks, right by the changing mat, which we use about ten times a day?!)

I calm down, go into the kitchen to clear up the absolute disaster zone that has developed in the whole hour I’ve been out of the house. I pick up the empty milk pouch to throw it in the bin (just discarded on the side). It hasn’t been cut. He’s just reopened the seal and poured the milk out over the unsterilised opening, straight into the bottle.

Thankfully none of the milk ended up being drunk in the end, but I can count 5 unacceptable ‘no no’s here.

YANBU= Weaponised incompetence at its finest
YABU= Mea culpa, I should have delivered a full detailed walk through and left an instructional video before I attempted to leave the house

(PS, no I won’t be LTB, so please save your breath)

You sound quite OTT - especially the ‘unsterile opening’ on the bag bit and touching the teat. I would find you very exhausting if I was your DH.

I don't understand why touching the sterilised teat is a problem. Babies put unsterilised things in their mouths all the time. Formula can contain nasty bacteria that needs cleaning, but surely once those have gone (and they don't even apply here anyway) then clean hands aren't an issue.

Not putting the lid on properly - annoying, but I did this last night with DD2's sippy cup and she tipped water all over herself. I've put together bloody hundreds of milk bottles of either expressed milk or formula, and sippy cups of water. On occasion I've screwed the top on wrong and one of the children has end up a bit soggy. It was just a mistake. They happen.

Not checking the temp of the breast milk would have annoyed me, as I think that's the only thing he did with the potential to cause harm. Leaving the mess would also annoy me. No reason why he can't clean up after himself.

I didn't realise you were supposed to cut open bags of breast milk for sterile reasons, I thought it was for convenience if the seal was frozen shut..

Yeah sorry, you’re being OTT.

It seems that he hasn't done enough bottle feeds with either daughter to become second nature/muscle memory. He probably thought he knew what to do but in the moment with two babies to look after it all went out the window. Maybe try a couple of bottle feeds with you around. Did he moan or resist the idea of you going out in the first place? If not I think he just needs a couple more tries...

This

Way OTT - don't make him feel stupid.
Milk too hot, lesson learnt
Teat- unless you sterilise your nipples then don't fret if it's sterilised and gets touched - the bottles aren't sterile after the machine is opened anyway
Good luck and co gratulations on the new baby

The too hot milk is the only thing I’d have been annoyed about, the rest is way ott.

Nothing will happen to your baby from milk passing over an unsterilised bit of a pouch. Calm down.

I'd have looked him dead in the eyes and asked if he wasn't ashamed to be so incompetent at looking after his own baby, and the second one at that. Then I'd expect an immediate transformation. I'd not be living with weaponised incompetence. (But then I doubt this is the only thing, so I'd probably wouldn't have got to baby bottles with him the first place).

(You do seem overly cautious about sterilisation, but maybe I'm out of date.)

This all sounds OTT. Do you go through this much faff to sterilise your own nipples?

I’m 3 weeks postpartum with my little one and the number of times I’ve not put the lid on the bottle correctly, or lost pump milk because I didn’t close the pump bits right. I’m so tired it’s all forgotten a bit and your husband is probably the same.

You just need to show him what to do it’s not obvious to everyone. My husband has shown me lots of baby stuff he’s figured out on the last week and I’ve shown him stuff too. Just work as a team not against each other.

The tiredness is real! One memorable moment for me was when I poured the breastmilk I’d spent hours pumping into my coffee rather than DD’s bottle next to it. I did have a bit of a meltdown over that one 😂

Yes I agree with pp, all sounds very OTT from op and if I were the partner I'd find it patronising. I think the only thing that would have annoyed me is not checking the temperature of the milk. Otherwise it just seems part and parcel of having a new baby, sleep deprivation doesn't bring out the finest in anyone.

Lid should have been put on, but it was an accident.
Milk should have been checked for temperature but it’s beyond me why the breastmilk was heated in the first place. Just give it to baby cold. Eta I thought the milk was already defrosted. Either way defrosting it shouldn’t have made it hot or scalding.

So you are EBF and not doing much bottle but expecting him to remember lots of steps about bottles.
If it's a new skill it takes time to learn. I also never did all that sterilising for breast Milk. Just leave some simple instructions out about how you want things done if you want all the sterilising done and things opened a certain way. It will be helpful if someone else needs to do it too.
The only line I feel has been crossed is the heat of the milk.

If your DH hadn't ever prepped a bottle before and had only been told the way to do it once, in an NCT class before your had your first DD, I think I'd cut him some slack. Yes, I get that it's frustrating that you have to be the one to keep all this knowledge and dole it out to another adult who should know what they're doing, but that's life and parenting and you have to pick your battles. If you're going to argue about shit like this, you'll be divorced in no time.

Op you've really misunderstood the purpose of sterilization. It's to kill bugs in formula!! If using breast milk then a run through the dishwasher is enough. It doesn't matter if DD1 touches the teat, she's going to stick her fingers near the baby plenty!

Your DH sounds dim. But you're probably both exhausted. Chuck out the sterilizer and try and get some rest

Do you want your marriage to last?

It's not weaponised incompetence. He just doesn't do it that much, or does things a bit differently from you. My DH can be like this with me, have expectations of things being done HIS way (which is the ONLY) right a way and then have a go if it's not done exactly to his requirements. You're current attitude will only make him insecure about doing things because it won't be right. Then you'll probably bang him with weaponised incompetence.

You need to chill out big time. Didn't cut the BAG and pour the milk out properly. FFS!

Haakaa etc don’t have to be sterilised, just wash with warm soapy water, unless your baby was born ill or prematurely. It doesn’t need a sterile lid of going into the fridge for a few days, why would it?

You don’t cut the bag the breast milk is stored in. You just open it. Why are you so obsessed with sterilisation?

You really don't need to do all that sterilising. You sterilise when you collect it, because bugs can grow while it's being stored. A few bacteria in the milk at feeding won't have time to grow.

You were a dick to your husband.

You were being way OTT.

You think he's incompetent and ignorant yet you were the one telling him duff information.

No wonder the poor bloke is confused.

Also the reason he didn't put the lid on properly was because you were bombarding him with (unnecessary) info. And the reason he forgot where the clothes were was because you were having a massive go at him when he was covered in milk.

You being ott re the top of the bottle. If it's the mam bottle totally understand. Useless things I throw them in the end. Sounds like you all tried. Breath today's another day, baby was fed no none was hurt.

When you’re the one at home all the time doing the baby stuff, you get really good really fast. You also make mistakes along the way but you learn quickly and probably your partner isn’t there scrutinising everything you’re doing and counting the errors.

When someone less practiced starts to do bits of the care, they will be less good. Because they’ve had less practice. A bit like if I was going to (super sexist example but holds true in our house) use the electric drill to put something up, I’d get dh’s input because even though I can do it, he does it more so has more experience.

If all you do is pick holes then don’t be surprised when the person stops doing the thing because you’re the expert. I don’t mean accept uselessness but think carefully about what is actually important and what is just noise around the edges and not - in the grand scheme of things - a big deal.

i have so many friends who ended up saying they could never leave their dh with their children because they were useless - then I watched the way they micromanaged everything and thought, no wonder. You aren’t giving them a chance to learn for themselves.