DH and the breast milk saga

[MilkyBadBoy]

DD2 is 10 weeks old and EBF. Yesterday I left DH with her and DD1 who is two, for and hour whilst I popped out. DD2 had not long been fed but I left DH with a frozen pouch of breast milk just in case, and two deconstructed sterilised bottles in the steriliser.

After 25 mins I got a call to ask whether the condensation in the sterilised bottles had chemicals in that needed rinsing out before pouring the defrosted milk in and I explained that no, you don’t rinse sterilised bottles and you also touch as little as possible- certainly not the teat. (Remember, we covered this in NCT class with DD1’, ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok.’)

DD1 disliked the bottle so DH didn’t get much practice first time around but not for lack of trying- at least 20 or 30 occasions of him having to prepare the bottle of breast milk from frozen whilst I popped out.

When I got back, DD2 was asleep but the bottle was still full, on the side and DH explained that she’d fallen back asleep before he’d had a chance to offer it to her anyway. Ok, not a problem. But, he said, DD1 had touched the teat, so it wasn’t sterile any longer. I looked over and saw there was no lid on the bottle, he’d just left it out in the open. He said he didn’t use lids. I explained that you have to use the lid to keep it sterile and obviously curious DD1 would touch it otherwise if she saw it on the table. ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok’.

So we go together to the steriliser and I walk him through putting the other bottle together, transferring the milk, not touching the teat and putting on the lid. Fine.

In the meantime DD2 wakes up so he had a chance to try again, which he did. He promptly poured a full 80ml bottle all over himself and her because he hadn’t actually fully tightened the lid. Disaster, much swearing. Then he says ‘wow it’s hot’. Didn’t you test the temp rather on your wrist?’ ‘Huh? No.’

!!!!!!

Luckily not scalding but I was pretty annoyed by this point. Full outfit chance for both required, with him asking ‘where do we keep her clothes?’ (Erm, where we have kept them for the last ten weeks, right by the changing mat, which we use about ten times a day?!)

I calm down, go into the kitchen to clear up the absolute disaster zone that has developed in the whole hour I’ve been out of the house. I pick up the empty milk pouch to throw it in the bin (just discarded on the side). It hasn’t been cut. He’s just reopened the seal and poured the milk out over the unsterilised opening, straight into the bottle.

Thankfully none of the milk ended up being drunk in the end, but I can count 5 unacceptable ‘no no’s here.

YANBU= Weaponised incompetence at its finest
YABU= Mea culpa, I should have delivered a full detailed walk through and left an instructional video before I attempted to leave the house

(PS, no I won’t be LTB, so please save your breath)

I had a baby in nicu. We did not sterilise pumps there, so I carried on like that at home. We just washed with hot soapy water and rinsed with hot water.

Yes! All this “it’ll come back to him in time”. As if he didn’t have ample time/opportunity for refreshers while OP was pregnant. And OP and all women don’t have the luxury of it coming back to them in time, by magical osmosis: you have the baby and right then and there you start taking care of them, and know where the clothes are, and manage nappy changes while leaking from multiple orifices, and express as well as feeding. Meanwhile the men go “could you hand me the wipes? Oh, and where are the bags? Oh, actually and a change of onesie too. What’s this about testing the temperature of milk? Never heard of it” and flail about with their intact perineums.

I agree he sounds extremely thick. How did he not know to check the temperature?

The most dangerous part was giving the baby the milk whilst it’s hot - surely he knows to check the temperature?
Otherwise it’s annoying he doesn’t do things the same way as you would do but not a big problem - presumably he’ll learn to tighten the bottle!
Make sure you go out again soon or his incompetence has been rewarded.

You defo don't need to sterilise the bottles, so i'd stop doing that right away. This is one of the perks of breastfeeding, much less faff.

Bloody hell chill out. It doesn't need to be complicated and stop being OCD about touching bits. It won't kill the baby!
Your making a rod for your back with DH.

"Yeh yeh yeh ok" is a patio offence. How dare he be so flippant and then get it all so completely wrong.

Zero common sense

Zero care

Zero respect for your energy, the food you produced and pumped.

He needs to buck up. Have ZERO tolerance for this nonsense.

Am I missing something?how do you not touch the teat when putting bottles together?surely you have to to put it together?I had my last baby 30 years ago so that part is a bit hazy lol 😂

and flail about with their intact perineums.

😂😂😂😂😂😂

I wish I had been told it was okay to sterilise pump bits once a day! I was forever sterilising bits. It was one of the annoying things about pumping (was so glad when I could stop pumping and just breastfeed!)

I was a bit mental with my first. I was a terrified first time mum, she was preterm and 4lbs. She was so fragile and unsettled.
My second was an 8lb boy who from day 1 just seemed so robust and healthy. He never had chance to live in a sterile world with toddler DD clambering over him.

The latest guidance is that anything used for breast milk, including pumps, just need to be thoroughly washed in hot soapy water and allowed to dry. Some classes/courses might still advise sterilisation to be cautious, but it's not necessary. DH needs to get his head in the game though and realise that he's a partner, not an employee.

God, this all sounds a bit precious and OTT. We had no chance of being like this with DD2, DD1 went to nursery and was an absolute germ magnet. Bottles of BM don't need sterilising and I don't think I've ever cut a bag with BM, always just unsealed and poured. Sounds like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other, he should know by now having already had 1 child, but you sound over the top and it he is probably finding it hard to meet all of your demands and do all of the little bits so it's up to your standards

All this manic sterilising, you’d think this was your PFB. As others have said, sterilisation is to prevent harmful formula bacteria. It’s not to prevent any germs getting anywhere near your baby.

It is so frustrating but honestly it’s new to him, you’ve done it way more often and he will be feeling shit about it. I would try not to dwell in this and make it into a bit argument.

I was able to breastfeed which was easier as I’m rubbish with tasks like this, often think I would have fudged the bottle making process.

Trying to work out a process like this while managing a baby and toddler is tricky. I would have gone through it beforehand or got him to write out a guide for himself.

Breastmilk is naturally antibacterial, your boobs (and house) aren't sterile.

He's been a bit feckless but just needs more practice.

He rang to check about the condensation in the bottle because he cared about doing it properly. I’d be grateful for that. Defo not weaponised incompetence, some silly mistakes but in my experience he will do better if you highlight the things he’s got right rather than criticising for his honest errors.

I breast fed so didn't really deal with bottles on ds2 and one day I had to make a bottle up whilst dh was settling ds and I fucked it up in every way it could be fucked up because I wasn't used to it. Dh went mad at me because he was left with a hysterical baby whilst I was dicking around with the bottle and I ended up hysterical too. We both assumed I'd be able to do it all because I'd done bottles exclusively for ds1 and dh had done nearly all the bottles for ds2 so I was just out of practice and exhausted. So I think it's just something that seems so simple until you're in the thick of it and stressed.

However, in this house, a wasted bottle of expressed milk is. A sackable offense. Gross misconduct. Go to jail do not pass go do not collect €200. So on that point compassion, logic and common sense would be out the window here.

Also- could be totally wrong here, but doesn't heating breast milk break down the proteins? You've to be careful defrosting it.

Give the man a break OP! Poor guy.

Show him how you’d do it kindly, but in a patronising manner.

Why can he not educate himself on basic parenting? Who taught OP?

The entire OP could just be ‘I have two kids with a bit of a thicko’, and OP could’ve saved herself the time it took to write out paragraphs.

It is annoying but i probably would’ve given very specific instructions and gone through it all with him before leaving him. Some men just don’t get it sometimes!

We’re almost 11 months in and my husband managed to forget to switch the steriliser on last night (he’d put the bottles, etc in last night but apparently not pressed the button, I didn’t check he’d done it because he’s a grown up and he’s had over 11 months practice as it’s our second DS). Cue baby waking up this morning for his bottle and having to wait for 20 minutes whilst I sterilised the bottles….that was a fun 20 minutes!

If DD2 had just been fed before OP popped out for an hour, why would DD2 need a bottle?

That’s either a totally disinterested and useless man in action, or someone who has weaponised his incompetence so you don’t go out and leave him ageing, for a very long time.

I had similar arguments with DH when DS2 was tiny because in my head, bottle feeding was Not The Ideal, so I had to justify it by absolutely and almost obsessively sticking to guidelines whereas DH did not have this hormonal insanity so he just approached it like he approaches all other food - with a haphazard attitude towards food safety. Which, BTW, I normally agree with, though I'm not sure I would be AS cavalier with a newborn.

I got very upset/frustrated with it and ended up talking to some sensible friends who reminded me that everything would probably be fine. everything was fine. Our marriage survived.

I don't think either of your options is correct so I won't vote :) I don't think your DH is being a pain on purpose and I don't think you should have left him with detailed instructions. He should probably try a bit harder to use common sense, but he's probably tired and stressed too - assume positive intent.