DH and the breast milk saga

[MilkyBadBoy]

DD2 is 10 weeks old and EBF. Yesterday I left DH with her and DD1 who is two, for and hour whilst I popped out. DD2 had not long been fed but I left DH with a frozen pouch of breast milk just in case, and two deconstructed sterilised bottles in the steriliser.

After 25 mins I got a call to ask whether the condensation in the sterilised bottles had chemicals in that needed rinsing out before pouring the defrosted milk in and I explained that no, you don’t rinse sterilised bottles and you also touch as little as possible- certainly not the teat. (Remember, we covered this in NCT class with DD1’, ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok.’)

DD1 disliked the bottle so DH didn’t get much practice first time around but not for lack of trying- at least 20 or 30 occasions of him having to prepare the bottle of breast milk from frozen whilst I popped out.

When I got back, DD2 was asleep but the bottle was still full, on the side and DH explained that she’d fallen back asleep before he’d had a chance to offer it to her anyway. Ok, not a problem. But, he said, DD1 had touched the teat, so it wasn’t sterile any longer. I looked over and saw there was no lid on the bottle, he’d just left it out in the open. He said he didn’t use lids. I explained that you have to use the lid to keep it sterile and obviously curious DD1 would touch it otherwise if she saw it on the table. ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok’.

So we go together to the steriliser and I walk him through putting the other bottle together, transferring the milk, not touching the teat and putting on the lid. Fine.

In the meantime DD2 wakes up so he had a chance to try again, which he did. He promptly poured a full 80ml bottle all over himself and her because he hadn’t actually fully tightened the lid. Disaster, much swearing. Then he says ‘wow it’s hot’. Didn’t you test the temp rather on your wrist?’ ‘Huh? No.’

!!!!!!

Luckily not scalding but I was pretty annoyed by this point. Full outfit chance for both required, with him asking ‘where do we keep her clothes?’ (Erm, where we have kept them for the last ten weeks, right by the changing mat, which we use about ten times a day?!)

I calm down, go into the kitchen to clear up the absolute disaster zone that has developed in the whole hour I’ve been out of the house. I pick up the empty milk pouch to throw it in the bin (just discarded on the side). It hasn’t been cut. He’s just reopened the seal and poured the milk out over the unsterilised opening, straight into the bottle.

Thankfully none of the milk ended up being drunk in the end, but I can count 5 unacceptable ‘no no’s here.

YANBU= Weaponised incompetence at its finest
YABU= Mea culpa, I should have delivered a full detailed walk through and left an instructional video before I attempted to leave the house

(PS, no I won’t be LTB, so please save your breath)

The only thing I'd say is that for a second time mum serving breast milk you seem a bit over anxious about things being sterile. Obviously bottles should be sterilised, milk should be stored and served in sterile bags/bottles, one should do one's best - but pouring thawed bm out of the top of the bag seems like a non issue to me, it's not filthy is it, and if your eldest is a toddler she'll probably be sticking her fingers IN the baby's mouth given half a chance, so dumping q whole serving of bm because she's squeezed the tip of the bottle seems bonkersly overcautious to me - just remove the whole top and put on a sterilised new one, no harm done.

Noone wants their baby to get sick; but babies do grow up in far less hygienic conditions with no access to sterilisers and the like and do alright, I'm not saying that's ideal or to be emulated just that in our incredibly clean modern homes with all the devices and guidelines at our disposal, with free access to modern medicine if things do go wrong, we can afford to unclench significantly and should take full advantage of that. Motherhood is stressful enough! Maybe imbibe some of your husband's chill - germs are everywhere. Baby wil inevitably pick some up especially with an older sibling in the house. Don't let perfect be the enemy of good enough.

Leaving a mess all over the kitchen and expecting you to clean it up, and calling you fo instructions instead of researching like you would have had to do, not on though. You're not his mum.

DH needs to spend more time on his own with the baby otherwise you will have this kind of thing for life.

Also agree with others that you being a bit OTT about the bottles. We didn't even use a steriliser, just hot soapy water, rinse and air dry. All good.

It's more the fact that he didn't know basics like where her frigging clothes were that would concern me. Has he never dressed her or put anything away??

Your OP reads as a huge faff to me.

The beauty of breastfeeding (once it’s established) is that it’s zero faff!

Honestly, I would be bound to make a mistake in all that you described, if it wasn’t something I did every day. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So sorry only just saw thi - of course if you're used to a vulnerable prem baby you'll be far more anxious about this stuff so ignore all I said above!!

Interestingly, I once left a breast pump unwashed for several weeks (I hate pumping, and forgot I’d left it in a bag). The bits that had BM on/in didn’t grow bacteria. The bits that had had a cursory rinse in water grew mould.

Op might be OTT about the sterilising (my PFB was also prem so maybe I just also assumed that sterilising was necessary!)-but she had left it all ready for her husband!

What's his excuse for apparently opening the steriliser & immediately calling for help?

Re: “you don’t need to sterilize bottles etc. with breast milk”….

Technically, nothing that you are doing in a home kitchen is really “sterilizing” according to the scientific sense. What you are doing, when you say “sterilizing,” is really “sanitizing.”

If you are using a modern dishwasher that washes at a high temperature (check your settings), that level of sanitizing is fine, regardless of whether you are using formula or EBM. There should be no need to carry out any additional sanitizing after the dishwasher.

If you are washing things up by hand, you should sanitize with boiling water or tablets, regardless of whether you are using EBM or formula. This is because bottles are full of nooks and crevices that can harbor little bits of milk which can go bad, causing bacteria to multiply, and this is true for EBM as well as formula. EBM does contain some substances that retard the growth of microbes, but this only slows down the process of microbe growth, not stopping it altogether. Bottles and expressing equipment should therefore be sanitized for EBM as well.

That said, the OP does sound a little anxious/over the top. Touching the teat should not be an issue.

I didn't vote because I don't think either is truly fair.

He doesn't sound like he was weaponising incompetence , although he really should know where her clothes are! I'm expecting DC no2 this summer and I can guess DH will have no clue about bottles. Similar to you though DS was EBF so bottles didn't come into it too often, well not until he started nursery.

No you shouldn't have to walk him through step by step on what to do. How does he think you know.

I think you are both probably very tired and re-adjusting to being a family for 4 instead of 3. I know I am already getting worried about how I will manage a tiny baby plus a toddler.

I'm guessing the milk was warm because it needed to be defrosted.

Don't forget to wipe the vapour off your nipples before feeding again later today.

I think your dh should have learned all this stuff by now. There always seems to be an assumption that mum will learn all this stuff and then teach it to dad and its not his fault if he gets it a bit wrong at times. It's his second child and he had plenty of time during the pregnancy to refresh himself on basic baby care

I think you’re being a bit over the top with the sterilising

Annoying yes but how on Earth doesn’t he know where the clothes are over two months in? Sounds like you’ve been doing it all pretty much OP so learned helplessness. Now is the time to take a step back and him to step up! I’d get a bottle/pouch warmer as the hot water was the worst part. Exhaustion even isn’t an excuse for that.

At ten weeks I would have been inconsolable at the wasted milk even though it was mistakenly wasted. I found pumping so hard until I got the Hakka lookalike from Aldi. Even an ounce was like liquid gold!

I’d have been so pissed off if I’d spent ages pumping and he just wasted my precious breast milk. Twat.

Oh and if they’re responsible for the outfit change, they do it. I found they learn quickly that way..

He sounds a bit useless but you sound wayyyy over the top. You don’t need to sterilize bottles for breast milk, you don’t need to cut the bag of milk, rather than pour it. The bags aren’t sterile to begin with! Breast milk is not sterile. Breasts are certainly not sterile.

he should know where he clothes are, and possibly should have asked you to remind him how to warm the milk before you left. But throwing a bottle together is hardly rocket science, aside from the fact you’ve massively over complicated it.

So this cutting the bag thing, I guess you also sterilise the scissors before you use them?

You sound like hard work tbh

6 of one, half a dozen of the other…
you are both new to it.

• you are a bit OTT on the sterilisation stuff
• he should def have checked the milk temp* and needs more practice.

i myself have failed to correctly build a mam bottle and very memorably poured an entire bottle of it (baby was old enough to drink a full bottle) all over me, baby and bedding
🥴🥴🥴
it happens…

these things feel like disasters but really aren’t.

try and remember

• Your husband is on your team
• he prob isn’t confident as you.
• you can support him by not being too prescriptive on stuff that doesn’t matter, showing him nicely how to do it and giving him space to do it himself.

My rule was if it didn’t harm the baby he could crack on… backward nappies and vests, no burp cloth so baby need new change of clothes … all fine and he just dealt the consequences (outfit changes, poop-splosions, changing his own clothes as they were covered in vom)

*Buy a nuby rapidcool it will remove this issue entirely

I'm not voting. It's a bit of both. He sounds a bit hopeless. I put a metal spoon in the sterilized though I had been told not too. But you do sound fearsomely efficient. That can be a bit intimidating.

I've voted YABU. I was like you with our DC . I expected DH to exactly mirror my parenting. He didn't. He was much more casual about things. The D.C. all survived and love him very much. In hindsight I see I was being overly bossy and controlling.

The child who touched the teat is two a lot of two year old rummage when your changing a nappy like hell would I use the bottle without washing if a two year old had touched it

You don't need to sterilise breastfeeding equipment, hot water and soap is all that is needed for cleaning. I have had 3 EBF babies and never sterilised anything. You can also be much more liberal re storing and leaving out milk. For breastmilk the rule is 6 months in the freezer, 6 days in the fridge, or 6 hours at room temp.

You are being OTT, but you’ve got a 10 week old baby and were badgered repeatedly for info that he would ideally have been able to figure out for himself (though I am assuming you’re both sleep deprived which can turn even the most competent partner into an incompetent buffoon sometimes). Give both of yourselves a break, newborns aren’t easy

No need to sterilize for breastmilk.

Just a clean bottle (or cup). Defrost milk in bag in a bowl of hot water.

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