DH and the breast milk saga

[MilkyBadBoy]

DD2 is 10 weeks old and EBF. Yesterday I left DH with her and DD1 who is two, for and hour whilst I popped out. DD2 had not long been fed but I left DH with a frozen pouch of breast milk just in case, and two deconstructed sterilised bottles in the steriliser.

After 25 mins I got a call to ask whether the condensation in the sterilised bottles had chemicals in that needed rinsing out before pouring the defrosted milk in and I explained that no, you don’t rinse sterilised bottles and you also touch as little as possible- certainly not the teat. (Remember, we covered this in NCT class with DD1’, ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok.’)

DD1 disliked the bottle so DH didn’t get much practice first time around but not for lack of trying- at least 20 or 30 occasions of him having to prepare the bottle of breast milk from frozen whilst I popped out.

When I got back, DD2 was asleep but the bottle was still full, on the side and DH explained that she’d fallen back asleep before he’d had a chance to offer it to her anyway. Ok, not a problem. But, he said, DD1 had touched the teat, so it wasn’t sterile any longer. I looked over and saw there was no lid on the bottle, he’d just left it out in the open. He said he didn’t use lids. I explained that you have to use the lid to keep it sterile and obviously curious DD1 would touch it otherwise if she saw it on the table. ‘Yeh yeh yeh, ok’.

So we go together to the steriliser and I walk him through putting the other bottle together, transferring the milk, not touching the teat and putting on the lid. Fine.

In the meantime DD2 wakes up so he had a chance to try again, which he did. He promptly poured a full 80ml bottle all over himself and her because he hadn’t actually fully tightened the lid. Disaster, much swearing. Then he says ‘wow it’s hot’. Didn’t you test the temp rather on your wrist?’ ‘Huh? No.’

!!!!!!

Luckily not scalding but I was pretty annoyed by this point. Full outfit chance for both required, with him asking ‘where do we keep her clothes?’ (Erm, where we have kept them for the last ten weeks, right by the changing mat, which we use about ten times a day?!)

I calm down, go into the kitchen to clear up the absolute disaster zone that has developed in the whole hour I’ve been out of the house. I pick up the empty milk pouch to throw it in the bin (just discarded on the side). It hasn’t been cut. He’s just reopened the seal and poured the milk out over the unsterilised opening, straight into the bottle.

Thankfully none of the milk ended up being drunk in the end, but I can count 5 unacceptable ‘no no’s here.

YANBU= Weaponised incompetence at its finest
YABU= Mea culpa, I should have delivered a full detailed walk through and left an instructional video before I attempted to leave the house

(PS, no I won’t be LTB, so please save your breath)

Warm versus cold milk - when our DC was a baby milk in bottles was always warmed. Babies did not drink cold milk or formula. I don’t mean hot like the OP is discussing, but nothing cold or room temperature

💯

Because babies aren’t robots? At 10 weeks both mine might have either slept for hours OR cluster fed non-stop and raged without a constant milk input, with zero predictability about what kind of day it might be. Or OP’s DH was doing that “cover all bases to solve crying baby” thing: tired? Dirty nappy? Wind? Cold? Hungry? Milk is comfort as well as nutrition; trying a bottle isn’t the issue, wasting expressed milk is.

Both of mine were exclusively breastfed on demand till they started taking solids, then some breastfeeds till a year old. I never expressed milk nor used formula and I did manage to pop out to the shops for an hour or so while DH looked after them, without any problems. No babies aren't robots, but neither do they need adults preparing for every single whinge or demand that might crop up in an hour.

You would leave a hungry 10 week old to scream for an hour?

10-week-olds were not hungry when I went out having been feeding right up to the point when I left.

The baby is 10 weeks old. If it’s hungry, it’s hungry. You aren’t “giving into its whinges” or indulging its demands or spoiling it or whatever. It’s 10 weeks!

God this mindset people have it just awful.

I think him not doing the lid up properly and not checking the temperature is a lack of common sense, and I wonder how he manages to get himself out of bed by himself. As for the whole sterilisation thing, it does feel a little over the top

I always poured breast milk back out of the bag, and I’ve never heard it said before that it’s something you’re not meant to do. Babies don’t live in a sterile environment, your nipples certainly aren’t sterile and neither are their clothes, muslins etc.

Claiming to not know where her clothes are would really annoy me though.

Lucky you. But as the poster was pointing out to you before your snarky reply about ‘their whims’, babies aren’t all the same, or particularly predictable at that age

So having a back up plan of a bottle of expressed milk is pretty sensible unless you are happy to potentially leave a newborn screaming for an hour.

Annoying that a simple task like giving a bottle caused so much drama, YABU about the sterile situation though, no need to sterilise for breastmilk so that wouldn't of bothered me. My DD is the same age and I dont sterilise bottles/dummies/pump parts

Chill out and don't stress so much OP.

The fact that he actually called to ask about the condensation, and how the OP has come across on this thread, makes me think that she has actually got him really stressed out and worried about it all. If she is this obsessive to him, with the instructions and how seriously she takes it all, then I wouldn’t blame him for being so stressed over it that the panic and worry of his wife’s reaction has made him be really bad at it. I get into a bit of a flap and make stupid mistakes and forget things I totally know (like where the clothes are) when I’m being treated like I know nothing, can do nothing and have someone on my back about something stressing me out.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he has been hen pecked into being crap at this because the OP makes the whole thing very stressful. I mean, cutting the breast milk bag? Where on earth did she learn that? No one does that.

Had 3 babies, never sterilized a bottle. Don’t know anyone where I live that did!

Thankfully when DH had to feed babies, it was pretty straightforward.

IMO the only real issue here is whether the milk was so hot it could have injured the baby. I would press home to him he needs to shake it and check the temperature before putting it in her mouth. Let everything else go.

Gosh I used to leave bottles of breastmilk out for hours with both of mine! (They're both alive and thriving.)

Snarky? Blimey, pots and kettles! Bitter or what!

Unsurprisingly, I am not bitter than my babies were fed and looked after while newborns

Weirdly, no one has agreed with your post suggested that feeding a newborn is somehow pandering to their ‘whinging’

This all seems very OTT to me. Yes sterilise bottles but the rest putting top on etc. My cousin was just like you everything sterile until the baby was 18 months old. Her children were always ill, they forever had upset stomach etc. as they had not had the chance to build up any natural immunity.

I'm totally on your side OP. I would have lost my shit at this. The bottom line is that your body has used energy that you can't really spare at this moment in time in producing milk and you've spent time you could have been sleeping pumping so that you can have a little bit of time to yourself and he hasn't treated it or you with the respect you deserve.

But, once you've explained to him why it has upset you so much then you do just have to let it go and not fester on it, otherwise it'll build resentment which isn't healthy.

I breastfed my middle for 3 years and my eldest for 6 months and now pregnant with a third, I genuinely never knew you were supposed to cut the bag and I have never heard that anywhere. I have always just unsealed the seal and poured from the bag. I can’t imagine why that’s an issue at all! It makes a little spout to pour from!
I also was never that bothered about touching the teats on the bottles to be honest, and touched them with both previous babies. So I think yabu, but not because you should have done a step by step guide for him, just because I think you’re being a bit patronising!

I was never told to cut the bags and always poured out from the seal

(scissors would surely be non sterile as well?)

can’t comment on the mess thing because it’s usually me that leaves the house looking like a tornado after the kids have run rings round me all day

We cupfed ours using little sterile cups you can buy. The milk doesn't need to be heated. You can just put it in the sterile cups and go ahead. My DH could manage that... Anything left gets thrown away including the cup.

We never bothered with bottles in the end and mine could drink out of a cup without a lid at about eight months by themselves because they'd had practice (PBF until 19 months).

It’s not formula, it’s breast milk. No need to be so crazy about sterilising! Do you carefully wash your boob before feeding?
I never used a steriliser. Just washed the bottles in hot soapy water.

I think I need to give you a LTB ....... alone 😂

Seriously there is being cautious and there is being OTT.

The clothes thing would have driven me nuts but I expect that was one of those times someone asks a question actually knowing the answer or asks something not what they actually meant. So "where are the clothes kept" when they mean "what should I get to wear" or ate just communicating without really thinking about what they are saying.