Does a mother's jewelry traditionally pass to daughters or daughters & DILs?

[DeathNote11]

Looking for opinions & experiences please.

What's the etiquette/norm when no instructions are left due to the death being sudden? Does jewellery usually go to the daughters only, or an equal split between daughters and DILs? No high value items. I'm expected to make a decision on distribution, I always thought it went to daughters but the 2 DILs are up in arms. The 2 daughters are too distraught to give an opinion. DILs both have mothers of their own & there was no special relationship between them & my friend.

YABU - Daughters & DILs is the norm
YANBU - Daughters is the norm

My mum has a lot of very precious jewellery. I think it would have been split between me, my DSIS and DBro, but DSis died four years ago.
DBro has a partner but no kids and not likely to have any, while I have three DCs (one DD).
I suspect I will get the majority when the time comes (hopefully not for a very long time), DBro and his partner will get some and my DCs will too.

I would have said all assets to be divided between the beneficiaries as stated in the will I.e if the will stipulates everything to be shared equally between 4 children then jewellery ( and everything else) is split 4 ways regardless of gender .

That is really lovely of you.

Unless she was close to the DIL then no, it usually would just go to her daughters. If they’re making a fuss over money and jewellery at a time like this when the family is mourning it doesn’t sound like they deserve consideration anyway since they can’t even take a few weeks before demanding a dead woman’s possessions.

@OVienna She is a lovely young woman. They have been together since they were 17. She works so very hard as does our son. They have one son who is 5 this year and probably will not have another. If, god forbid, they ever split, I would still love her and be so proud of the mother she is to my grandson. I told all of our kids.. if anyone divorces, unless there are abuse issues, I will still love my daughter in law and my son in law, and do the best I can to support them whilst they are raising my grandkids. I hope to god though that neither my daughter or my son divorce as they have amazing partners and I love them as much as my own. It would break my heart. Unless they abuse my kid.. then I would kill them lol. JK because I know that not only are they great people.. my kids were raised not to put up with any abuse..from a friend.. a partner..or even a parent.

Most decent people would not make these feelings known to a woman who lost their Mother unexpectedly.

'Up in Arms' how??

I'm trying to imagine a scenario where I tell my sister in law I want some of their dead mother's jewellery.

I can't as it's unbelievable grabby. Rude. Tactless.

I would just icily respond with 'our Mother, my decision, subject closed'

When my mum died there were 3 rings plus her wedding ring. None of anything more than sentimental value. Two of the 3 were jointly bought by one of my sisters and I for my mum as gifts.

3 daughters and 3 sons, numerous dil and grandchildren. My mum had already given her wedding ring to my eldest sister. The other 3 rings she wrapped individually in tissue paper and each of us picked one blind.

Dils and sons were not included or consulted. I think that's fair. I only have boys but both my sisters have a daughter. If I don't have a grandaughter then I'll give mine to the only other grandaughter who is my brother's child.

For another example, my sils parents died and she split the jewellery between her and her brother's daughter, he was a single dad and had already passed away too. Sil only has sons who are now mid 40s with no children. She'll pass the rest of the jewellery to her niece.

Families all differ in size and make up and closeness. What's fair in one might not be in another.

My MIL passes jewellery to her daughters, not sons or DILs. It's a little bit of a shame as their is some valuable jewellery that she inherited, but there aren't items on equal value on the male side. I think daughters and sons would be nicer, then all the grandchildren would eventually benefit equally.

That doesn´t seem fair when one considers this:

Sorry for the drip feed but I think I need to mention that the sons got their dad's watches & jewellery when he passed. None were shared with daughters or sons in laws. That was their father's instructions.

As pp said, it really depends on the specific situation. What´s fair in one family might not be fair in another...

That's a very nice way to do it. I have a lot of lovely jewelry as it is my weakness. I've taken a photo and laminated of each piece and given each piece a number. I've only got one DD and she likes platinum but a lot of my jewelry is yellow gold which she's not keen on. I don't have any granddaughters. I do have lots of nieces so they can have at least one ring each and either a necklace or earrings too. I've tried to leave it to my nieces I think will like it, either because they have complimented me on a piece in the past or just eye colour. I've got 2 nieces with green eyes so I'm leaving the emerald/diamond pieces just to them, nieces with blue eyes will get sapphire or sapphire and diamond and rubies to my grandsons as maybe they will have a partner who would like them in the future. My son's gf who he hopes to marry in 2025 can have my gold watch. After my first marriage broke down and I divorced I offered my DD all the jewelry my ex had bought me because I knew I wouldn't wear it again. She didn't want it as mostly yellow gold. I gave my engagement ring and eternity ring to 2 of my nieces, several necklaces to other nieces and I see them wearing them sometimes. I really do like to see them wearing them.

Daughters and granddaughters

I think mostly daughters, but if the relationship was close, it would be nice for the DIL's to have one piece each, to remember her by. But why are they 'up in arms'? I don't like the sound of that at all. It sounds rude and grabby.

It should go to the daughters and if they so wish they can then give a piece or pieces to the DILs..but the daughters absolutely should get the jewellery

Why are you making the decision? Is that something the mother has written about in her will? it seems you’ve already made your mind up. What the father did with his jewellery is irrelevant, and this is the wrong time to be making such decisions let a decent interval pass.

Unless it's high value, I would expect it to go to daughters or preferably granddaughters for first pick, then offered to DIL rather than sold if anything is not needed. I wouldn't expect DS to get my mum's jewellery, nor my MIL's, but he has a watch and pen I think from my dad, barometer and paperweights from my grandads and will get similar type of stuff from FIL. DH knows from the will that most of my jewellery and handbags are for my niece, sisters and then SIL/ his nieces to take their pick, only wedding/engagement ring and a couple of daily wear necklaces / handbags could be kept back by DS for sentimental reasons. These things should be worn and used if anyone likes them, but we specified clearly in the will that items of sentimental value should be taken and I would expect the order to be: DS then niece, sisters, his nieces, SIL.

My jewellery will only be going to my daughter. I can’t risk a daughter in law running off with it.

The situation you describe, especially with your update about the fathers watches, seems pretty clear cut that the daughters should get the jewellery. I'd be telling the DILs to swivel!

Personally, as the only daughter, I would be happy for my SIL to have some of my mum's jewellery.

When my dad died, my brother was given his 'good' watch (21st present I think) as that is what my dad wanted. My step-mum had also bought him a relatively expensive watch that he wore on special occasions which she gave to my DH.

I'd never feel entitled to my mil's jewellery and would expect it all to go to sil.

My mum has told me I'm having her engagement ring as I'm the oldest daughter. (I've never asked she just announced it once.)

my husband inherited all my fathers watches. he didn't have any sons and he loved my husband- my husband had actually bought a few of the watches himself as gifts for my dad.

My mum has listed out who gets specific Jewellery items (me and my two brothers). My older brother gets the wedding and engagement rings and my other bro and I get other sentimental jewellery.

she has already given her one DIL a ring when she married my brother.

Couple of other bits of jewellery have been ear marked for granddaughters.

so All well planned out

They sound grabby, leave the DILs nothing…..

Daughters or sons. Not in laws. If dils are pushing then I feel like they are thinking of value and not sentiment. Sad that they are squabbling like this at such a time

Daughters. DILs are incredibly cheeky to expect anything

In our family when mum died all jewellery was split between me and my sister, with a specific ring (identified by my Mum) being given to my DD (the only GD). My Dads jewellery and watches went to my DH and my BiL - with a small item of jewellery going to my DS (only GS).