Awful gift off DP and he’s being precious about it!

[Gertrood]

My birthday yesterday. DP handed me a gift which turned out to be a hideous charm bracelet - clearly meant for children. Made from pure metal. I don’t wear jewellery at the best of times but would have worn something decent on special occasions - this however I would never wear. I’m normally a very grateful person but I half thought this was a joke until I saw how proud of himself he was so I said “it’s a lovely thought but I don’t really wear jewellery”. He said “well you’ll have to wear this as it cost me a lot of money, anyway you’ve not opened the other one yet” - so I opened the other one and it was a small bag of metal charms. Awfully childish and generic ones like a stiletto, a little metal car!? A unicorn!!!

So I said “as I said, it’s a nice thought but I won’t wear this, it’s for children” he said “it’s not for children! You dont have to wear all the charms but I do insist you wear this one that I chose especially” - it was a charm saying “true love” 🤦‍♀️ I’m getting annoyed at this point and say “you chose that one especially? So the others were just bought in bulk?” So he said “no, they were all different sets and I chose this one for you”.

I explained that charms on a bracelet are meant to at least resemble something to the owner. This stuff couldn’t be more opposite to what I’m like. I’ve never worn a stiletto in my life - I have no interest in cars - I don’t have a thing for unicorns!!??

Si anyway I said “I’m sorry if you spent a lot of money on it but I won’t wear it, it’s not me at all” I then suggested he give it to his daughter (12). He said he can’t do that as hes bought her the same one already!!

He’s in a huff about it but AIbU to think this was really bloody thoughtless? I’d have rather got nothing at all. It’s tacky as hell. The best bit, I looked at his eBay account where I guessed it was from and it cost him £2.99 - the charms were a job lot for £3 including the one he “chose especially”

Partner, gave me a gift on xmas eve a few years ago. he was VERY pleased with himself.

It was a Pandora charm. He knows I dont like Pandora (nothing against those that do, but I dont) and I dont own a bracelet to put it on. But, it was at least a thoughtfully chosen charm connected to something I love, or so I thought.

His ex wife liked Pandora and it was his go to "easy, no effort" gift. So I did not hold back on my displeasure. I pointed out that a) the reason he as in the shop in the first place was with his kids to get their mums xmas present, I did no appreciate being an afterthought and b) what exactly was he expecting me to do with it?

His answers were that I wasnt an afterthought but that he spotted it and thought I would like it, (so afterthought then?) and that I could get myself a bracelet or necklace to wear it on....thereby gifting me an obligation to spend money on something I didnt want in the first place. For mothers day he mentioned taking the kids to get her something and I pointed out the gift bag (unmoved on his shelf as we dont live together, since the day he gave it to me) and said "Dont bother, give her that as I dont want it". Yeah it was mean but I was still feeling spiky about it.

He has improved on the gift giving a lot since then.

Came on to say YABU until I read OP's posts. Unbelievably 💩

I would let him know that I was aware of the cost and hand it back to him and tell him not to bother next time

I think the worst bit is him saying it was somehow personalised yet he bought his child the same thing. Yet, it's not for children? OK then.
I am not remotely materialistic but this is shite.

Personalised and expensive @BobbyBiscuits! When in fact it was cheap generic tat

Sorry OP, that is shit. I can’t believe 7% of people think you’re being unreasonable - God only knows what sort of rock-dwelling losers they’re tethered to!

I really do take DH for granted - I assume his level of adult man-ing is normal, but he’s an actual demi-God compared with the sub-standard specimens you read about on here.

You can do better. Better is out there…

Did you see the actual transaction in his eBay account? If he's not normally a big liar (as far as you know), I'd be a little worried that he paid more for it and actually thinks it's decent-quality sterling.

Also, gift aside, his insisting that you wear a specific piece of jewellery is creepy.

Re reading.....why does his 12 year old need a gift on someone elses birthday in case she is jealous? Does he buy the OP a gift on his DD's birthday....I doubt it.

I an neurodivergent and a lot of it runs in my family. This type of behaviour is really frustrating to live with, and I think it relates to a psychological concept called "theory of mind", the ability to understand other people, including anticipating their thoughts and actions/reactions.

He put some level of thought into a gift, proven by the fact he actually purchased a gift, but he clearly was not thinking about what you would like. Is this normal for him to have no idea of what you would like?

Then when you were upset because the gift feels thoughtless to you, he still has no capacity to understand why you are upset, and in turn he gets upset because he thinks he put thought into a gift and his effort is not being appreciated.

My ex bought me so many alarm clocks as gifts. I never wanted an alarm clock. He couldn't comprehend the fact I was happy without an alarm clock, so kept buying them for me. Some made horrendous rings I would never want to wake up to, so he thought he bought me the 'wrong' alarm clock, he just couldn't understand I wasn't bothered. He himself couldn't live without his alarm clock and couldn't see a different perspective.

It is even worse when lack of theory of mind is combined with another neurodivergent trait of "rejection sensitivity" because when you point out to them their gift is thoughtless, instead of seeing your POV and offering to return the item or a similar appropriate response, they feel attacked and get upset and defensive.

The difficult thing when someone lacks theory of mind, they are not intentionally setting out with bad intentions. Then if you are like me and highly empathetic, you keep excusing their behaviour and giving extra chances because deep down you know they did not have bad intentions.

Having no theory of mind and naturally lacking empathy, can present as narcissism when it is extreme, and as a plain old thoughtless selfish arsehole when it is less extreme.

In the end my exes thoughtless selfish behaviour really affected myself esteem. I can see one of my sons has very similar traits and I am doing all I can to try and develop his skills and abilities to recognise and anticipate how others may be thinking and feeling.

Like most things, is this charm bracelet incident isolated, or is it part of a pattern of behaviour? That helps determine an appropriate response.

Present him with a printout of the cost. If he’s paid more, he’s been had. I’d be really upset to receive something eo tacky.

I remember the other thread where the H got his wife and daughter the same bracelet.

Must have read the same how to be a knob handbook.

I would never get over the amount of ick this would give me. The lies are worse than the 'gift'.

In a way he has given you a gift though. The gift of clarity of thought.

"well you’ll have to wear this as it cost me a lot of money..."

AND you saw where he bought the shite and how much he paid. Tell him to hand over £100 (which includes a punitive element for being an arse and thinking he could pull the wool over your eyes) and you'll get yourself something you like.

It'scheap and not you. Wear it any way and thank him.
Wear it mostly at home. It will soon break.
Keep reiterating that you are not a jewellery person and he'slucky that you wear it. You don't want him buying anymore precious items.

No they don’t. They may not be “in” anymore but they are heavy and solid silver and you don’t get job lot charms.

It is the thought that counts, zero thought here, she counts for nothing and it shows.

Omg what a cheapskate. Had the cheek to call it expensive

Also to say that "it's the thought that counts" is so very true particularly in instances like this.

I think you're a fool and will believe me when I say I spent a lot of money.

I think I'm clever for getting 2 gifts for £10 that I think look expensive and high quality.

I think I can lie to you about the cost, quality and the "effort" I put in to choosing the gifts.

I think that even if you don't like or wear jewellery you should on this occasion because of all the effort and expense I went to.

URGH! Big fat message from him there OP.

The tears have just run down my legs 🤣

The 7% are men who have the same or similar tat in their eBay basket ready for Valentines 💝

Sorry OP, this made me lol 😂
I think you said exactly what I would have said.
I don't wear jewellery also and any time I have been bought it as an adult, it's never been to my taste and doesn't get worn.
But... A Kiddie charm bracelet?! 🤭
Ah, I sort of feel sorry for him though..

This.

The obvious response to ‘it’s the thought that counts’ is ‘and what was he thinking when he bought this’

‘It’s the thought that counts’ applies in my view to genuine but misguided attempts to please the recipient. Gifts that completely ignore the recipient’s tastes or like this one are just cheap tat are most definitely not included (unless the giver is a child - smiling and agreeing that a 6 year old’s weird gift that you would never use in a million years is just perfect is definitely a ‘thought that counts’ moment)

I might think a bit differently from others here. I think he knew exactly what he was doing. He was hoping, that when he told you he spent a lot on it, that you'd be thankful. He KNEW he didn't spend much but hoped to get you and his DD to like it because he "said" he spent a good bit on it.
Then, with his mates, etc. he can have a good laugh at your expense, telling them, "I spent shite on it but told her I did, so she was happy!".
People do that, thinking that, if they can convince you they spent money on it, you'll be appreciative. These people think many others are stupid enough to believe their shite.

If he buys shite gifts most of the time but you buy him nice items, he has no reason to change his attitude. He gets what he wants without caring about anyone else.

In case no one could tell, I majorly dislike people, men or women, who pull that kind of crap.

He sounds like a thoughtless tight git but the gas lighting around it and trying to convince you it was worth it makes me think that at best he is an idiot who has been taken advantage of and at worse, someone who has lied so many times he believes people around him are stupid.

Either way, it is not good news. Nothing to do with gratitude, really. Your anger is your intuition waking up.

@Gertrood Pleeeeeaaaassssseeee tell me you confronted him after you saw the cost on eBay? Please?? I can’t believe he thinks so little of you

🤣🤣🤣

This can't be the first example of him being tight, can't return it because it's expensive?

It's awful!