Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

Let’s face it…not all fucked up people come from blended families. I know so many people that have severe issues in one way, shape or form. Many of who have come from a nuclear family…myself included.

Thing is unloving or uncaring parents don’t always think they are lacking at all. They might well think they are the best thing ever.

How many abusive people ever hand up go yeah you know I’m a shitty person/parent/partner. Not many but there’s a shit ton of abusive people.

The thing is if a step parent admits their blended family isn’t or doesn’t work means they have to admit that they or their partner are basically failing their children and how many people can truly do that.

So yes there are a few that work but the majority don’t and parents and step parents don’t want to admit it because it means admitting they failed either as the parent picking a shitty person or that they are a shitty person as the step parent. so the issues get glossed over and every one slaps a happy smile on, and the truth comes out many many years later or often on the deaths of a parent / step parent.

I can only speak for my kids, who were mostly raised by their DSD. They’re adults now. They’re unbelievably close to DH. He’s always been a Dad to them where their bio-Dad has never bothered, and they’ve always appreciated this. He chose to do it.

They ring him for a chat more often than they call me. They ask for his advice and help. He’s been a fantastic role model to them. My DS is a wonderful partner to his DP and I know it’s because he’s grown up seeing a truly caring, supportive, happy relationship between me and DH. Similarly DD has high standards in her relationships. If I’d stayed single, their only point of reference for relationships would be mine and exH’s, which was utterly toxic and I’m sure the outcome would be very different.

Financially, as a couple we’ve given them a beautiful home with their own rooms, lovely holidays, and we were able to gift them deposits to buy their own homes. I never could have done this if I’d been on my own and struggling on one wage. Having a partner made it easier for me to advance my career, which has benefited us all.

DH has always done everything for them - taxiing them round, clearing up their vomit, school runs, cooking, watching them play football every weekend, etc. He taught them to drive, has done loads of renovations on their houses, and he would always move mountains for them.

I know my children. They adore him, and I know they feel blessed to have him in their lives. An example - DS recently took out payment protection insurance because “if anything happened to stepdad I’d be so devastated I’d need to take at least six months off work”, which I thought was sweet and ridiculous in equal measure! (DH has a life-limiting condition but is quite well at the moment).

That’s not to say he doesn’t get on their nerves sometimes, as do I. They get on ours at times too. That’s just family life.

I agree with you OP but there's little point in posting about it. The parents on here who are in one have a vested interest in believing that all the kids love it, and a vested interest in not having that belief challenged (guilt).

I've seen it countless times in my wider family and friendship circle and all it's done is cause pain and suffering to the kids whilst the parents merrily bleat on about how happy everyone is. It's so selfish and it makes me really annoyed.

A really important point in all this.

As actually what happens is stepparent uses this to justify them being “ a nightmare.”

Yes me too.

There seem to be a lot of posters thinking it’s women still married to their children’s dad who are saying blended families don’t work. I’d be sceptical too if those were all the people posting - sort of “that’s fine for you to say”.

But actually it’s mainly single parents who are saying this - describing our own reasons for deciding not to move another man in.

I don’t think anyone is saying they do.

I’ve got a lot of trauma from my upbringing in a nuclear family - both from the way my siblings were allowed to behave towards me, and from my parents relationship with one another.

Sending hugs horsey. That’s disgusting and I’m glad you see it now for what it is. Some of us think that stinks and wouldn’t treat you that way so take heart!

I realize this is going to be unpopular to say. But I've always noticed that it seems like women who already have children and get remarried always seem to have another child with the new husband almost as if it was out of some kind of obligation. I think that's the thing I really take issue with. Because it never really seems to make sense to me. It doesn't matter if they have one child or six from the previous relationship. Without fail they have "just one more" with the new man.

And I'm not hating on them. It's just I think they are terribly misguided thinking that the new baby will serve as some kind of glue that will stick them all together and make them a "real" family. Which is unfair to the child. But it almost always stresses the entire family out and creates a hellish dynamic. The new baby gets to live with both of their parents and the other kids only get to live with one at a time.

So honestly I think, at best it creates a huge jealousy problem and an unfair playing field that's impossible to level.

At worst if you have unbalanced parents the new baby becomes the Golden child and everyone else needs to be seen and not heard.

Half siblings should in my opinion be avoided.

Just rattling through the examples I know and … yup, that seems to hold true.

The other trend I’ve seen is when DH remarried first family lives with mum in straitened circumstances and new dcs get sent to few paying schools ( or, slight twist, if new stepmum doesn’t value that for her own, they all get pulled out even if they’ve been in the system for years.)

Without fail they have "just one more" with the new man.

Without fail? Really?? I didn't. Am I the only one?

Thing is, you say this - and I am not having a dig at your family, which sounds great - but my mum is completely convinced that marrying my stepdad, which gave her access to a standard of living she couldn't have afforded on her own, was absolutely the right thing to do. That belief is rock solid. It's also complete bollocks, unfortunately. Also, being gaslighted about this for years - before the phrase 'gaslighting' was even really a thing - really messed with my head! I was left feeling like I was a nasty, ungrateful brat.

What happens is the nuclear family is mum, stepdad and new baby, and the existing kids are no longer part of that family. They are disenfranchised through no fault of their own, and the new family is the 'real' family.

Having said that, my half-brother was the best thing to come out of the toxic mess of my childhood! He's my best friend and almost makes the whole mess worth it!

My mum was divorced with a 9 and 6 year old. She swore blind she would never bring a man into the home after her experience of being raised in a blended family. She was true to her word. Of course she dated and had relationships (including with men who had children) but she never moved someone in to our home. Having seen my dad’s ‘new family’ and how it affected us, she said she feels this was the right choice. She’s a happy person and has her own life too. Not moving in an unrelated man when she had daughters in the house where she drew the line. I feel we were always put first.

Well if that's the case why are you getting so defensive? I'm merely speaking from my experience.

But the situation clearly doesn't describe you unless you are one of those women with 3+ kids and was thinking "hm you know I don't really want or need a 4th child but maybe if I add another my current kids will actually think of my new husband as their real dad!" In that case then yes I guess it is about you.

After seeing how my husband was treated as the disenfranchised child as previous poster @horseyhorsey17 mentioned above. I'm am convinced that your mother is very wise and made the best decision for her already existing family.

A decision I think I would make for myself and my own daughter of it ever came down to that.

It's not that I don't think blended families could never work. However I would say the success rate for all parties involved is less than 15% and when it goes wrong it goes very very terribly wrong.

LousySpice
But some of the behaviour on some threads IS selfish.

Having another relationship in life isn't selfish.
Introducing your kids to new boyfriend/girlfriend after 5 seconds is selfish though. Moving a new partner in quickly rather than taking your time and focusing on stability for the children is selfish. Deciding that each new relationship needs a new baby, regardless of the impact on existing children is selfish. Threads where new partner is treating the kids like crap and posters upset that their child isn't appropriately fawning over new boyfriend is showing they're selfish because so often it's clear the poster is focused on how to make their children fall in line with new boyfriend, not to leave the boyfriend who is treating the children like crap.

There's a lot of threads on here where it's clear that the OPs are more focused on their love life and appeasing their latest partner than what's best for the children. Of course that's going to attract people saying put the kids first.

There's also a lot of threads where all the adults have new relationships and are being sensible and considering the children. Those threads don't tend to get comments about being selfish because the people involved aren't being selfish.

@LolaSmiles

I'm not sure why you think I disagree that SOME people can be selfish. I do not.

It is not selfish to simply have a relationship or to move on and continue your family if it is considerate of the child.

It is an impossibly broad topic.

I don't think a single person here disputes that it is selfish to move in a man who really is a stranger. This happened to me. One who doesn't care about children, or worse, actively mistreats them. It's wrong to ignore your child's feelings because you want a partner at any cost.

It is not selfish to have a relationship. It is not selfish to continue that relationship through marriage and living together if things are working out. That doesn't mean someone isn't putting their child first. There are risks with having another child, but that is not inherently selfish either, anymore than any woman having a child.

As long as things are going well and the child is satisfied too, it's not selfish.

It is not selfish to simply have a relationship or to move on and continue your family if it is considerate of the child.
I never said it was.

My issue was with the silly characterization of Mumsnet up thread where apparently you shouldn't LTB, not be a single parent and not be in relationships because it's selfish.

In reality there's a lot of good advice given that usually reflects the situation the person is posting about, which means that sometimes that behaviour will be called selfish because the situation is about selfish behaviour.

@BraveLight I agree. A new baby is so often part of the mix and causes major issues with the dynamics.
I read research posted on MN a few years ago about how on average step children are served less healthy food, get less medical treatment and less money spent on them than children born into a blended family.
And on here you see all the time scenarios where people want to prioritise their own children and deprioritise step children, whether for inheritance, holidays, spending at Christmas or bedrooms. Children living 50/50 between two families are the ones who seem really deprioritised.

I'm more than happy to criticise poor choices that do negatively impact children. I'm still bitter about the choices my mother made.

Also, PP has a point about the LTB thing

Jesus, that’s some sweeping generalisations about having more children in a new relationship.

I met now dh when I was 28. My ds was 6 at the time (although, he didn’t meet dh and ds knew nothing of dh him until 3 years later, I wanted to be sure of who dh was a person).

Should I never had more children? Ds was 11 when his first sibling was born. Dh in particular was very concerned that ds would never feel pushed out. And he wasn’t. He’s incredibly close to his two younger siblings. He never refers to them as “half” either - they are just his sisters.

They are all equal in everything. In dh will (and mine), everything is split equally between the three of them. Ds not being Dh biological son means nothing to him - he sees him as his son, there is no difference to him.

Christ, my ds is even included equally in dh parents wills along with their biological grandchildren!

Not everyone on this Earth is an arsehole.

Yes there are people on here who will think that you shouldn’t have had any more children

Love this response!

Don't generalise, OP. Lots of different kinds of families out there - some work, some don't.