Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

@BraveLight to be fair in your post you didn't say 'in my experience' and I'm getting defensive because of your vast generalisation of all step-parents.

I grew up in a blended family and, yes, it was a bit shit. But it wasn’t the blended family bit, just the bio mum bit. Without a blended family my life with her would still have been shit, only I wouldn’t have two amazing half sisters (and a nephew, 2 lovely BiLs, a step bro) and an incredibly supportive and loving extended family.

On balance, when blended families don’t work it’s because of the individuals in them who, obviously, came from broken unblended relationships beforehand.

NB, though, that acc to stats 45% of first marriages fail, versus 31% of 2nd marriages - suggesting that blended families may actually work better.

Blended marriages may work for the parents, but rarely for the children.

I didn’t!! Maybe it’s just us…

Interesting how this thread has moved on from bashing blended families to now bashing women who have DC with more than one dad.

Thinking about my immediate family, if we’d all stuck to this ‘rule’ of have kids with one person and if it doesn’t work out stay single forever:

I would still be living alone in a 2 bed house with my 2 DC sharing a room
DH would still be living alone in a 2 bed flat seeing his DC every other weekend
My DSis would be living alone with her now 17yo (who would have no siblings) and wouldn’t have her wonderful step daughter or her 2 younger DC.
My BIL (sister’s husband) would I guess now finally be allowed a new relationship as his eldest DD is now 18. But he wouldn’t have his 2 younger DC and wouldn’t yet be allowed to live with my DSis.

Would this have been a better life for all of us? I really don’t think so. But I’m sure someone will tell me that all the DC would have preferred this.

@BusyMummyWrites01 just out of curiosity where did you find the stat about more first marriages failing? I've come across a lot of articles that say the reverse and that more second marriages fail

The blended families I know irl all have some major issues. One of my friends has 4 children, 3 from a previous relationship. Her husband upped and left her 2 months ago. He continues to see the child they have together but has completely cut contact with the older 3 despite helping raise them and supposedly loving them as his own for the last 10 years.

Ah I found a Relate factsheet which says "If one or both partners are remarrying they have a 31% chance of divorce, compared to 45% if it is both partners’ first time" (Benson, 2013) but it has a sentence underneath saying 'Note: There isn’t consensus on this issue'. Hmm

Interesting how this thread has moved on from bashing blended families to now bashing women who have DC with more than one dad.

And bashing women who dare to get married twice.

Well, he’s just a massive cunt then, isn’t he. As some people are. But not all people are the same and there are many who wouldn’t dream of acting so horribly.

Don’t forget that there are parents who do that to their own children too, completely cut all ties if the relationship with the other parent breaks down.

Logic would dictate that second marriages have a much better chance given that both parties are older, wiser, more picky second time around and much less inclined to take any shit from a potential husband/wife.

This is from a report in 2013. https://marriagefoundation.org.uk/research/second-marriages-are-less-likely-to-end-in-divorce-than-first/

You're also probably less likely to bother getting married second time round, so there's probably more chance of taking it seriously if you do.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 well some are older and wiser - not my ex, who got married again a whole six months after our divorce and about 18 months after leaving me when we had two small kids. As for picky - he'd only been on a handful of dates before meeting the new wife. Think he was desperate for a new housekeeper

This happens all the time on MN. Op posts about a "difficult" teenager and drip feeds that her husband and her have only been married a year or two. Multiple people comment that the teenager should have consequences, it is all their fault, etc etc. Most do not seem to recognise that difficult behaviour is often a sign of unhappiness.

I saw that thread in active, that the OP posted on. Teenager child and stepfather. Not an ideal situation given the age.

The signs are still there. As I said. Choosing not to acknowledge that unhappiness does not mean the signs are not glaring you in the face.

(I haven't read that myself though, I just saw ops name as one of the first comments, clicked out and went 'it all makes sense now').

I should probably have been more specific and referred to women in my post. You're right that some men are just looking for another woman to look after them.

Yup the LTB thing is a reasonable criticism of MN. Of course sometimes it’s good advice but sometimes it’s so ludicrously trigger happy. There was a guy who had jeans that showed his butt crack when he was cooking dinner poor guy. Partner was standing complaining how gross he was and of course there were cries of LTB. Apparently he was disrespectful ( but cooking dinner all the same). I think about it every time I see someone bending over working hard and the jeans slipping a tad.

@Diymesss I was rather surprised by the stat myself but it was in the Family Law Journal, based on marriages in 2023/stats for last 10 years. Obvs relates to married blended fams, not unmarried ones (so might need to be taken cautiously).

https://www.familylaw.co.uk/articles/Second-marriages-less-likely-to-end-in-divorce

@BusyMummyWrites01 thanks for that. I found this interesting article about the same research, by its author - https://marriagefoundation.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/09/MF-paper-second-marriages-FINAL.pdf

• This says "When comparing couples of similar age, previous ONS research shows that second marriages do consistently worse across all age groups.[...]It is not that second marriages do better. It is that couples who marry later, whether first or second time round, do better."

I suppose being morbid about it, the later you marry, the less time you have before you die and so the less time you have to get divorced!

It's probably the opposite of brave to be honest, saying it on an anonymous forum! I'd never dream of saying any of this to DH as he'd probably, understandably, leave me!

And for the most part I'm happy enough to not damage my own children's childhood by leaving their dad simply because I don't love or have a bond with his older children. I'm not blind enough to say that isn't selfish, I know it is. But I have my children now and the best thing for them is for us to stay together. As I say, the thought of another woman feeling how I do about DSC makes me feel awful.

I don't even dislike DSC as individuals and we get on well. I just don't really have any strong feeling for them. I was naive at first at hoped that would develop in time but it hasn't and has only been heightened by having DC of my own which really showed the chasm of difference in my feeling or lack thereof between DC and DSC. And because I don't have strong emotional connections to them, I do prefer times when they aren't there. I find it easier to be myself, be relaxed and enjoy family time. Little things like feeling a pang of disappointment when it's our Christmas with them and the opposite, more excitement when it isn't etc.. It's not nice and I wish I didn't feel that way.

I think as you say, when two parents are involved where do you really fit? I went through all the feelings of being taken for granted by both DH and his ex when we first got together and I think due to that I did take a massive step back which probably didn't help the lack of bond I feel toward them but as you say, what do you do? You're not their mum but you should act like it whenever demanded? No thanks.

As I say, if it were possible to have my time again and still have my own DC (because I could never regret them), I'd never ever have gotten involved with a man with DC. But you can't go back in time and here we are so we plod on and I always try to stamp down these moments of feelings I have and put a smile on my face.

I don't think I'm a horrible person and I've never excluded them from anything, even when inside I have wanted to. I have always TRIED and I always will. But I can't make myself feel something that isn't there.

So yep I agree with the OP, most of the time blended families just don't work. Or at least don't work for one or more parties.

I think maybe people who it works for don't post on here asking for advice.

I came from a blended family. Overall I think it worked, though possibly my sister would differ, but I don't think it was more fraught than life with a parent would have been.

But there were certain things that contributed - my step-father had no kids of his own when they married, we were fairly young, my mother was scrupulous about never introducing us to anyone she dated up until my step-dad and she waited a long time with him, and when they married he pretty much took us on whole hog, in terms of supporting us financially, doing dad stuff, etc. And honestly I think a lot was luck.

I've known a lot where they don't work that well. And far too many where the kids have had multiple different living arrangements with different partners and those seem to produce kids that have some pretty significant issues.

Wow it is such a shame people can be so negative and narrow minded. I bet alot the people who complain about blended families not working are people never in that situation or are the bitter ex not wanting partner to move on.
FYI I am a mum of 3 children the youngest of which is from my current relationship who has 3 children from a previous relationship, so 6 altogether.
Since July we have all lived together under 1 roof, this is due to safeguarding concerns of the ex. It was not an easy ride to start with, lots of teething problems, arguments between the kids who weren't used to living together BUT with alot of hard work, motivation and determination we have become a very harmonious and happy family.
Agencies such as social services, caffcass and the schools have all commented that the children are doing so much better and we are meeting their needs very well. They are safer and happier than when we weren't living as a blended family.
I haven't felt the need to create a mumsnet post as we are dealing effectively with our family and have overcome alot of hurdles as many others do in our lives.
Let's not forget that you are all commenting on posts you have seen where people have been at their wits end and maybe haven't accessed the right support so have come to this place for helpful positive advice... not criticism
However for each bad post like that, there are plenty of positive stories but people don't feel the need to post them because they are busy being happy

Look this is just an opinion of yours, so your neuther right nor wrong. But the only stories your going to see on these sites are the bad ones because nobody wants to talk about the good ones and get advice... because their good.

My situation is, I had an infant and 4 year old when I met my partner, we've been together now 4 years and have 2yr old twins and are planning our wedding this year.

It isn't always bad.

My step father met my mam when I was just 6, and I always told people about how I had 2 dad's. He never had his own children and still doesn't, but he took on my and my siblins and lived us like his own. Not all stories are bad. That's all.

I think people should still be able to ask for advice without retribution of someone saying it doesn't work: *signpost them here.

Everyone is different and everybody's circumstances are different. It may be a moment in time where the child is going through hormonal changes or something is happening at school, or something is happening in the life of the adults.

Do you not think people have the right to also be happy, and everything may have been fine when they first moved in after careful consideration of the whole family dynamic.

It frustrates me that some people would only think about their kids and not want to pursue something because of them but I'm not going to come here to berate them for it.

Each circumstance should be looked at with some form of neutrality and questioned. This is supposed to be a safe space for advice and understanding, not berated because someone feels frustrated, it would seem, because their own circumstances haven't/didn't work(ed) out.

Give people a chance and space to breath. Hopefully, these are people who have thought long and hard about their decisions to adopt a new member in to the family and worked through all possible scenarios as well as understanding their child's needs are mixed in.

There are some parents that just need to do better but there are also parents who are measured and thoughtful, so I think we owe ti ourselves to give them due respect.