Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

So if a single mother has 1 child, and would like the option of having another, on the whole would it be better to get into a other relationship (therefore being a blended family, stepfather involved etc) or go down the sperm donor route?

Obviously there's the option of not having another child, but if she is going to is there a preferable option from the two above?

@Prettywomen91 certainly not the scorned ex or any such thing. I am a shudder. Stepchild 😅

Scotcheggsontoast
Surely it depends doesn't it?

If the choice is between another relationship with a dead-beat partner whose main contribution to the family unit is sperm, then she's probably better going down the sperm donor route.

If her thought process is to have a baby at any costs so she rushes into a new relationship and having a baby with any man who seems open to the idea, that's probably not a good course of action and sperm donation is likely to be more stable for all the children overall.

If she's met someone she really likes, they have a respectful relationship, amicable co-parenting relationships with their ex partners, haven't rushed into moving in and play step-parents, and they both want a child, then that's probably going to be better than sperm donation.

I don't think you are BU. Where my husband is from is a country with a very high rate of children who don't live with both parents, which we experience because nearly all his mates from home have split up with their children's mother/father.
The partner of one of his best mates split up with him and immediately left to live with his daughters and her new man, and his daughter. Our friend said 'I've never met this guy, and now my daughters live with him'. Our friend then got a new girlfriend; his girlfriend moved two hours to move in with him with her kids, away from living with their dad, their school and all their friends.
Quite honestly much as I like him I can't imagine upturning the lives of my kids for anyone in that way.
What an absolute mess, and nearly all his mates have lives like that.
Not entirely unsurprisingly, their country has a terrible rate of mental health problems in their teenagers.
I think all these people are being incredibly selfish.
I suppose I am seeing things through my own perspective, but I liked peace and quiet as a kid and the thought of being shunted around and living with children who are not my siblings sounds horrendous.
People often want to believe that their children will view half brothers or sisters as full siblings, but it often doesn't always work like that. My dad has a half sister, born after my grandfather walked out on his seven children.
I have met her once, at my grandfather's funeral. My dad has zero interest in her.

I have to say I don't think it always works. I have 2 stepchildren who have had a variety of stepfathers and I think it is such a shame. I am my husbands first partner since breaking up with his girlfriend 8 years ago. We have being married for two years in March and have an amazing daughter between us. I am so close to my both of my stepchildren. We do everything together and they are my family. I could never imagine my life without them and one thing that attracted me to my husband was how amazing he is as a father. I love both of my stepchildren and they adore my daughter.

Mines worked for 19 years so far. I have 4 children aged 37 down to.29 and he has a 21 yr old and we have a 17 yr old. And 11 grandchildren. All works fine. Bit of aggro of his ex in first years but hes a great stepdad and grandad and I get on great with my stepdaughter who came to live with us full time when she left school. So they can work very well. Sweeping statements are silly because no one comes on here to start a thread about how good everything is and how they have no unsurmountable issues.

I had a situation, my only child, son aged 13 hormones kicking in , and his dad suddenly, oved to Spain with his new wife. At the time, he offered my son to mofe to Spain with them both, and join schhol etc. I will never forget , my son crying so much, and aaid 'I need to think about this very carefully mum , in a very earnest,, beyond his years manner. He cried so much, and developed a migraine type headache, and not much sleep, I kept him off school the next day. I did not want him to go, his father was never an involved parent, would buy him new DVD or toy to keep hi occupy. My ex was also a functional alcoholic. The next weekend, my dear ex said to my son 'I think it is best you leave moving to Spain when you are older. His new wife didn't seem to want my son around, and was insecure, and said in front of me to my ex, who comes first me or your son'. I asked to talk to my ex without my son around, and 4 was so angry and said how upset my son had been, and then he had changed his mind. I think he said this to ease the guilt or shock breaking the news of moving abroad. I do beliefe his wife's opinion also contributed to my son not mòving to Spain, but then my ex should have put my son first or thpught it through the implications of saying my son could move to Spain. My son saw his dad once in six years whilst his father lived in Spain, and my dad paid for the airline ticket. Blended families do work, but all adults in my opinion need to put the children first. I never received any maintenance from aged of 10, and I know my son favours his father because he let him do whatever he wanted , and never had the daily 'parenting' role of ensuring homework was completed, my so hated secondary school, and trying to het him out of bed and downstairs, and the stress of taking him rezlly early to school as I had to drive 45 minutes to work, or on a very heated day when he was downstairs, but , I was late for work , leave him to walk 10 minutes. I was on first term names with the welfare teacher, who would call me and say my son had not turned up for school. He had gone back to bed😡. So yes, it can work but with 2 adults in this case decided to live in the sun and not work and consume alcohol. I am resentful, and my son , is a very closed booked but the whole experience, I am sure he has issues but I did my best.

FWIW and from my observations I would say 'perfectly happy and harmonious ' families are conceivably in the minority anyway, depending on your definition of 'happy.' In the best case scenario many people would recognise the sense in working on getting along as best as they can most of the time, grinning and bearing it and cultivating tolerance for forbearance.

Take a random group of people from a variety of walks of life. What are the odds of them all getting along just fine? Then add into the equation that if they're related by blood, which means they're forced into each others' proximity a lot of the time, and there's huge potential for kerfuffle. It is almost inevitable that there are going to be stress, and even conflict and politics. Being 'related' doesn't automatically mean that some magical force makes everything hearts and flowers.

I don't go along with the rather deterministic premise that blended families are by definition inevitably conflict-ridden and acrimonious. Every family potentially has the potential for disharmony, no matter whether 'blended ' or not.

Just thought of a 'blended family' of sorts that has worked pretty well.

My sister met her now husband (hereafter referred to as DBIL) when her DC was 3. She was 25 at the time, DBIL was 23.

DSis didn't introduce her DC to him for at least a year (more than that, I think).

Her DC was introduced to DBIL's DF and DSM a year or so later. My DSis says her DC was welcomed as part of the family and attended family gatherings etc.

DSis and DBIL bought a house together when the DC was 7. DSis had 2 further DC, one when her DC was 8.5, the next when they were nearly 10.

My DSis' DC's Dad remarried when DC was 6. Had 2 further DC. Cut contact with my Dsis' DC when he was 8 or 9.

So, DBil has never always been called 'Dad' by Dsis' eldest, but started calling him 'Dad' when he was in High School.

Dsis says DBil has referred to eldest as his son to others for years, although he sometimes clarifies there is no blood connection.

Dsis says DC has never pushed back around DBil being his SF, dotes on his younger siblings and has a close relationship with his step-Grandparents.

So, it can work!

Even unblended families have failures but some are fine.

I think that we hear so much more about the blended fails because this is Mumsnet. Anyone who starts a post here saying that her family is happy and healthy and not struggling with in-laws normally gets the crap beaten out of them.

I actually think this thread is a really good thing! So often the media, celebrities, cheesy Netflix movies, etc, push the idea of a relationship being the be all and end all. I was really young when I had my first dc and ended up unsuccessfully blending twice after that. I’ll never regret having my younger dc, but I absolutely do regret dragging my older ones through a sh1t show of bad relationships, out of a misplaced sense that it was better to be a ‘proper’ family. We need to talk way more openly as a society about this issue.
I’ve now been happily single for nearly a decade and youngest is 17 (can’t actually imagine sharing my life / house with a man now!)

I have met one woman who was struggling with this horrible decision to get a sperm donor and have a child because she was desperate. Exhausted, burned out, screaming at an autistic 2 year old boy who she was raising alone without a father. Kids need two parents but this woman was living a nightmare she didn’t envision. She was ruining her life and the poor boy who will no doubt become ward of the state. Society pays for these children raised y dads, the data is clear, it is harmful, even if they don’t have disabilities, they don’t do as well and much more likely to commit violent crimes, drugs, etc

I can't work out what you are trying to say here. many children are raised very successfully without fathers, - are you trying to say any step father is better than no father in the household?

I read it as the opposite - that a succession of failed relationships and step fathers had been disastrous for both herself and her kids?

I think where I’m coming from was that I’d subconsciously picked up harmful messages from the media / society, which fed into a cycle of poor decisions, along with low self esteem, history of abuse, etc. Whereas, if voices like OP’s were more prominent, albeit with a tad more nuance, people might think harder before blending.

@Isabellivi when you remove poverty from the equation, children raised by single mothers have the same outcomes as children from 2 parent family units. It's poverty that causes a higher rate of negative outcomes.

This is not what data shows, repeatedly, when comparing low-income households with two parents to single parents. Many people do very well out of poverty and single mom household, but it is the aggregate of data that affects society. Even adolescent male elephants need father figures, despite their species being matriarchal family groups. Humans are not matriarchal and fathers were vital to the survival of offspring in our evolutionary history. https://www.bbcearth.com/news/teenage-elephants-need-a-father-figure

@Isabellivi the studies i refer to are when factoring out poverty, not comparing different types of low income famiy units. Single mothers by choice tend to affluent, and plenty of single mothers not by choice have high paying jobs/generational wealth/life insurance policies from death of spouse

@Isabellivi also, being in a single parent family unit doesn't mean boys don't have their fathers in their lives. Those that don't can have coaches/teachers/grandfathers/uncles/scout leaders. And I'm sure the children of lesbian mothers do just fine too.

I was going to say this! I'm a single mother but my son very much has a father figure - his father! We just don't live in the same house...

And he has a grandfather's, uncles, many other people who act like 'father figures' too

Tbh my kids have no father figure sadly not all kids have grandfathers or uncles, I don’t really think teachers are the same thing at all.

Some people in nuclear families have rubbish father figures anyway tbh

@Isabellivi I am not sure what you are trying to say. As others have said lots of children have grandfathers, uncles etc as father figures. As a widow, I find your post quite insulting, are you trying to say that single mothers should find someone else and marry them to be a father figure?
I have done just fine bringing up my children on my own, they are good kids.
Personally, I could have done without my Mum’s bf making me feel like I was in the way in my own home. As pp stated there are plenty of rubbish fathers out there in nuclear families.

You don’t need a dad or step dad to have a father figure. You just need a decent man who’s around in your family or a good friend. Hell it can actually be a teacher or their boxing coach or a respected member of the local community if you live in such an area.

You need decent male role models that’s what’s important and that’s regardless of step or bio.