Blended families don't work

[picklesandcucumbers]

This comes up time and time again.

It riles me off when I see another thread on here saying "my family life is falling apart, kids and DP not getting along"

Yeah

Blended families don't work

There's a minority that do - but they're an exception

If you get into a relationship with someone and you've got kids, expect it to go badly

Anyone find another thread about kids and DP not getting along, just signpost them here....

Beezknees
I agree with you. It's not something I've seen much, if at all, on Mumsnet.

There's far, far more posts encouraging women to not tolerate terrible partners and walking away from poor relationships that aren't good for them or the children. There's also lots of helpful posts helping women get support and their ducks in a row.

I take my hat off to women who decide they'd rather be single than have any Tom, Dick or Harry coming in and out their children's lives. They aren't saying nobody should have a relationship either. They're making their choice that's right for them and their children.

You're saying that, but that's not what everyone is saying. Nobody disagrees with this.

People disagree with:

• ridiculous blanket rules
• judgement like selfish
• the superiority of some saying they put their children first despite being in completely different circumstances to other parents (eg teen gave children when they split)
• and married people claiming they'd never date anyone again and dedicate every breath to their children (because of course you know that, don't you?)

@LousySpice

It is selfish. Having children is a selfish act. Blending families is also a selfish act. Not saying don’t do it, I did! Own it though.

I didn't say it's not selfish. We do selfish things all the time.

But when someone says blending families is selfish, it's said In an entirely different way. A quite unpleasant and judgemental way.

And if have actually blended families, you know this.

This is an interesting thought. I don’t think I could say having children is inherently selfish, but in this day and age it probably is. Global warming, land for crops and cows etc …

Mine were sooooo cute though! 🤣

And I've said earlier, that I've been both child and adult. It can go wrong, it can go right. I'm definitely critical of people who genuinely ARE selfish and being a man in too quickly; too many new children; new man doesn't like existing dc; favouritism etc etc.

BUT

Blanket judgements are stupid and judgemental. Usually from people who's only exposure to other families is MN, or who had a bad childhood (like I did), and assume all families are the same.

It only worked for us as I had a child, now dh didn’t.

To be honest, I wouldn’t have got into a relationship with a man who had children - I know, I know, double standards as I had a child myself. But I didn’t want to get caught up in someone else’s baggage.

15 years on dh and ds are really close. We have had two children and ds adores his younger siblings. he’s 21, we all get on so great, he’s no plans to leave home. There has never been any issues. Dh treated ds as his son from day one, always put him first in everything, just like he’s gone on to do with his biological children from our marriage, there is no difference to him, the commitment is the same.

However, his fathers wife had two children already. That side of ds family has really not worked out at all. He hardly had a relationship with his father for years and still only sees him a couple of times a year as his wife and step children come first. So I have seen both sides.

ETA - sorry, I know my personal situation isn’t a blended family as it was only me with a child, not now dh. but like I said, I wouldn’t have done it. I wouldn’t have wanted another child in ds space, it would have been too disruptive and confusing for him IMO. And it was awful in the situation with his father marrying someone who had children. Ds was the one coming in one weekend a month, sleeping on the floor. it was awful for him and damaged their relationship as the step children his father lived wth did Ultimately come first.

No, they're the ones who've grown up in blended families. And they're not invested in convincing themselves that blended families work (some might; most don't).

And your mother's partner is a stranger until they move in. People change as soon as they get their feet under the table.

My mum actually moved in with him. But as she’d lived in the flat below for four years it wasn’t much of a move! The kids were usually round at her place anyway.

This is the decision I've made - not to date for a few more years until my son's at uni/daughter doing A-levels. It's unlikely I'd want to move anyone in anyway, but having come from a very unblended blended family, there's no way I'm inflicting stepparents on my kids, and I don't really want to be one myself either unless the stepkids are grown up so don't feel threatened by me coming on the scene.

It's not being holier-than-thou or anything like that, it's a reaction to a pretty traumatic childhood. I guess if people haven't experienced a childhood like that, it's hard to understand though.

I think @bahhamburgers is right.

My DM married my stepfather when I was 13. She actually hadn't known him that long but knew.

We had a few niggles initially but it has worked well because he didn't have any DC that I had to live with. I would have struggled because I am an only child for my mum.

It also worked when my dad remarried. I loved my stepmum and half siblings because they didn't impact on my day to day life. I only visited in school holidays and it was great to see them all.

You see a side of peope on don't when you live apart, but the use of the word 'stranger' is a deliberate choice. It's exactly what @Menomeno just said.

It is sometimes true women don't know men enough. Other times not, and there may have been a long-standing friendship that pre exists the children's father. You don't know. To say they're all strangers is just moral judgement.

I meant to add, my DF died on my stepmum's 40th birthday leaving her with 4 DC aged 13 to 5.

She dated but never brought anyone into their lives. She didn't want another man having a say in how she raised her children.

When people are saying their blended family 'works well' they need to be really honest with themselves and ask whether their kids actually prefer living as part of this blended family to living on their own with their mum. I would bet my house on the answer in almost every single case being the latter, although as someone said upthread, huge pressure is put on kids in these situations to pretend they love it.

I think this is very true ( for the most part) and I think that’s why the topic gets some fairly emotional reactions. It’s normal for people to get concerned around children’s circumstances.

When I stared dating again I decided I only wanted to meet men who already had children. My reasoning was that I wanted someone who understood my life, that the DC would always come first, that I was very restricted on when I could meet up for dates etc. I also knew I didn’t want any more DC and I worried a childless
man might eventually want their own. I wasn’t particularly looking to get remarried, and I would have been happy dating and not introducing them to the children. But with DH it just got to the point it was clear the way things were heading.

To those single parents who have decided they aren’t going to date, that’s your choice and I respect that. I was 34 when I became a single parent to a 6 and 3yo. If I waited until the youngest was 18 I’d be almost 50 by the time I was “allowed” to date again. Call me selfish but I didn’t want to do that. I don’t think my exH deciding to have an affair instantly meant that I wasn’t allowed to have a fulfilling relationship for 15 years. I also have a few friends now who are trying to date in their 50s and they’re not having a great time of it! It’s not that easy to just meet someone when you decide the time is right. Sometimes the right person comes along when you don’t expect it.

We waited a year to introduce the children to each other, 4 years to move in together. For us it works, and for lots of other people it works. And yes they all have their own rooms.

Parents should be honest, that's true. It's not fair to say that if your child seems happy, they're probably faking it anyway. So, there's an impossible standard.

There are things that make it easier such as a positive relationship with new partner, no divorce, healthy coparenting situation, no new siblings, no changes to routine and living arrangements, how long they've known the new partner, age of the children, whether the biological dad is involved (can be easier or harder, depending on situation).

Opposite factors make it harder.

Ultimately, any caring and attentive parent will know if their child isn't happy with the change and act accordingly.

I think though that a lot of it working when it does is being honest about why it may not work and carefully navigating all the relationships, not just the adults ones. And I'm not sure that all adults necessarily have the emotional intelligence to do that - although many obviously will.

They won't. What often happens is the children who let on that they're unhappy with the situation get grief for being 'difficult.' (I did - I was kicked out of home at 18). It's not that the mother isn't caring or attentive, but it probably is true that she puts her own needs/wants ahead of her children's - and maybe it's just easier to believe the narrative that the child is 'difficult', especially if life is easier with two salaries etc. People don't admit to this though.

Decent parenting doesn’t only come down to being a single parent or in a relationship only with your children’s father. That doesn’t make you a decent parent. Being a decent parent is how you raise and how much love you give your children.

Of course there’s blended families that don’t work and that are chaotic and unfit for the children. I’m not denying that. But surely that then comes down to being a decent parent and removing them from the situation.

Im putting a light on the fact that sometimes life is happy in a blended family.

Theres been a few narrow minded posts from being putting all blended families into a very negative catagory and that’s not fair.

I have upmost respect to those that choose to stay single and raising their kids on their own.

@horseyhorsey17 I agree. I used to work with a 17 year old who had to sleep in his dad's car if he had come home smelling of weed or a bit tipsy. Even in winter. I often wondered if his stepmum would have made his own son do that?
It's all done on the pretence of keeping their younger children 'safe' but what about your older child? If they were the full bio child, would they still get sent away to live with mum/ dad/ grandparents in the same way that first children are?
Of my friends at school, the ones who moved out, shacked up with much older boyfriends, went into social housing were without any exceptions all the kids who lived with step parents and second families. It's like they were trying to create a home which felt like theirs for a change.

I did exactly this - moved in with my boyfriend and his family when I was 18. Not that I had much choice - I got home from uni to find I had no bedroom and all my stuff had been binned. My stepdad made a point my whole life of saying I'd have to move out at 18. Needless to say, his own son wasn't subject to the same rules at all.

Honestly, I am still recovering from the emotional damage that was done to me as a child. It has left me scarred, and really impacted on my own ability to form relationship.s What hurts the most is how complicit my mum was in all this - and still is, she regularly refers to what a 'difficult' child I was. I wasn't, I am just honest and was in a horrible, unhappy situation. Unsurprisingly, I am not convinced that blended families are ever what kids would actually choose.

@horseyhorsey17

If a child gets grief for being unhappy, that's not a loving and caring parent, so not sure we actually disagree. There are always signs, some parents choose to ignore it for convenience.

I think unhappiness in children can look different, it can involve lashing out, taking drugs, rudeness, violence.